DSL and stuff....

Hey everybody we got DSL in the kitchen now so I'm on the phone with Ash and on the computer typing this up... this is so extreamly cool. My mom says I'm "in my element."
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Kyle will be here soon... we have so much to talk about....
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I got to see Nick today as he was walking up to Lynndsey's house.... first time all summer... I really miss that kid sometimes... he might be a compulsive liar but I still love him....
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"I think Kevin is fat and a horrible kisser..... and he can go to hell and burn forever and ever and ever and ever... fucking chink bastard" - Kevy wrote that about himself... what a lozer huh?... plus... he's not fat damn!
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Yesterday night Monica and Cora came over and we all hung out.... that was cool.... Me and Kev kept trying to talk Monica into stripping but she wouldn't no matter what we said... we were all really *positive*
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Awwww..... Justin just got in trouble for talking at Kids Peace so he had to get off Runescape... I hope it was for today only not for like... forever... I like talking to him on Runescape.
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Well I gotta go take a shower... Kevin's going to the Waterfront today to see that Kristen chick and I'm jealous... I know he's not my boyfriend... no where's near close... but I'm still jealous... another girl spending time with him period... I am the most envious person ever... *sighs*

Seeing Justin

Went to Ellsworth to see Justin yesterday.... it's kinda sad but the best part of seeing him is when we're getting ready to leave him. That's when he gives out the hugs. Yesterday was the first time he said he loved me while I was in his arms hugging him without a "platonically". I gave him the letter I wrote him... the one that asks for his forgiveness for cutting myself again. I told him on the stairs on our way down to his room to get money for his mommy... I told him to just read the letter before he got his "magic card" and forgive me. He read like the first sentance and was like "Is this because you like another guy?" and I'm like "no" so he read another couple sentances and was like "You cut yourself again" and I'm like "yea" and he's like "I forgive you" so I gave him it and hugged him really hard. He asked me why and I'm like "Just read the letter" later on the phone I asked him if he had read the rest of the letter and he said he did and that he was glad that cutting again didn't make me feel any better... so I know he really did read it cause that was only in the letter. I didn't tell him that. Anyways... when we got outside and it was time to really say goodbye I hugged him and this is our conversation:...

Me - "I love you Justin"
Justin - "I love you too"
Me - "I'm really sorry, I"ll never do it again"
Justin - "You better not"
Me - "Your my bestest friend"
Justin - "Your my best friend too"
Me - "I love you"
Justin - "I love you too"

*sighs*.... It made me stop thinking about something that has constantly been on my mind..... for like 5 mins I forgot.

Anyways.... guess what everybody KYLE CALLED ME TODAY!!!!!! After I got off the phone I screammed really loud so my sister knocked on the door and asked me why I screamed and I started to jump up and down in my door frame and I hit my head. Now I have a big lump on my head but it was all worth it for Kyle.... my bestest friend in the whole world other than Justin.....

well... it's almost 4:20 so I gotta go upstairs for a few... I'll be back lol..

What all happened today

Ok…. Well… I woke up at 7am this morning… I watched TV and stuff till around 9:30ish when Justin called on the home phone and Sam brought it up to me. He was calling to say that his mom was gonna bring me with them to see him today because Kevin was coming back and then they were going. I talked to him for like half an hour until Justin was like "check if they're here yet"... I looked out the window and saw Kev taking stuff outta Cathi's car. I kept talking to Justin on the phone and then I was like fixing my fan putting it back in the window and Kev came in and scared the fuck outta me. I talked to Justin for a little while till kev wanted to talk to him so I gave Kev the phone and went and changed in the bathroom. When I came back I got the other phone and me and Kev talked to him at the same time. Kev's mom came to get him and got the phone from him to talk to Justin not knowing I was on the line. She said we might not go (which we didn't end up going) because of personal reasons. He got all upset. Then Cathi wanted to talk to him and asked him if he was allowed to take weekend visits to like go to a theme park. They're all going to six flags the little bastards lol... Kyle, Kevin and probably Justin if he can get out for it. She told Justin she loved him and he goes like makes this noise and goes "uh-huh".... hahahaha... they gave Kev back the phone and he came back to my house. We both talked to Justin a bit more until he had to go eat breakfast. I'm like "Ok I love you" and he's like "I love you too" and Kevin's like "awww man I love you too" and I was like "He loves me asshole".... that was funny. We hung up and got Russell to buy us cigerettes and hung out in my room for a while. Not much happened I guess... we listen to music and stuff... sweated our asses off. He went home aroun 8ish cause OJ came and got him for some reason and he hasn't been back since. Well I gotta update my website... write more tomarrow...

Life sucks

I wanna write a little about my day though. After Kevy left at 3:45 am... well this was yesterday... I was online... on the downstairs computer... right now I'm on the upstairs one... Angelina's computer, in my room... it's slow, but hey... it's better than nothing I guess... actually it's working pretty good right now.. it has spyware or adware or something and I downloaded this free trial of virus protection... hey it's 4:20... anyways... I was on that message board again... jeesh I hate those people... oh pop-ups gone crazy... I'm tired... *yawns*... so anyways... I was on the computer till like 2ish... Leola had shown up and was hanging out with me when Kev came over and told me that he was going to Cathi's for a couple nights...

ohmygosh... *tears* I'm watching the Fresh Prince of Belair and it's such a sad episode. Will's dad came to visit him and said he was gonna take him with him but then made up an excuse at the last minet and didnt take Will. So Will got upset and said to Uncle Phil "Why doesn't he want me man?" He's like "It's not like I'm 5 years old anymore, staying up late asking my mom when's daddy gonna come home" He's like "I went to my first day of school without him, I learned how to drive without him, I learned how to shave without him and I will go to college and marry me a beutiful honey and have a ton of kids, and I will be a lot better of a father then he ever was to me"... "I don't need him. I didn't need him then and I don't need him now" It kinda hit me hard... reminds me of Justin and Kevin and how they're dads aren't around. I feel so bad for those boys. I mean they say they don't care... but... I don't know... I would care... ohgawd... I just stabbed myself with my exacto knife... I was bleeding everywhere... I haven't been typing in here for like an hour because I was chatting with Monica sending smilies back and forth lol... but she's gone to bed now I guess.
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Ok so where was I really? Oh yeah Lee showed up and hung out and Kev showed up to tell me he was going to Cathi's and he'll be back on Staurday... I told him the good news I got from Josh... that Kyle's probably leaving for Maine on Tuesday. After Kevy left Leola and Me went to Cumby's and got munchies even though we weren't high or anything. She got me a brownie and an ice cream sandwhich and a cadbury creme egg. She got herself 3 big cup penut butter cups and some other kind of ice cream. We got back to my house and watched some movie until Sean showed up so we all went up to my room... so did my brother.. and positive... Sean left cause he got bored hanging out with us. Lee's mom showed up and my brother left on his own to go back on the computer downstairs...

I fell asleep. I woke up around 8:30 something... I went downstairs and fought with my brother for him to get off the computer so I could call Justin... Matt says that everyone is allowed 2 hours on the downstairs computer now. That way there will stop being fights... I can do most of what I need to do on this one... but I don't go to the message boards or play Runescape on this one cause it's too slow..... wow Shakira is hott huh?.... new video on VH1 whew! ... Anyways it was like 9 so my mom just gave her cell and I called Kids Peace. Someone else was on the phone so I had to call back in 10 mins. I called Jen and talked to her for 18 mins until Justin called my cellback. She's pretty sure her mom is gonna get an apartment in Augusta again. Plus she's coming up sometime next week to Augusta so her gram can visit her mother (Jen's great-gram) and she's gonna come see us. We talked about how if she comes to stay for that week like she's suppose to then I'm gonna try to get her down to New Beginnings to see Justin... hopefully he'llbe able to get back in there. That way we can get *positive* with him again... I miss it so much... it's like... what most of our good memories are based on lol... that's kinda sad... but I loved him way back when neither one of us were into that stuff. When I fell in love with him he was a good little boy... on the wrestling team, never drank or smoked (anything), was a virgin (yep I loved him way back then), such a good little boy. He had gotten into that one fight with Ray Hamilton up here... he got into a fight in Lousianna too but it don't count... that's what made me fall... the Ray fight... so I guess I should like... be ok with Ray because of that... but I'm not... I guess I don't hate Ray... I just really don't like him and I think he's gross and I don't care who knows.

Anyways... Justin called back my cell so Jen was like "we've talked too long anyways, I'll let you go so you can call him" so we hung up and I called Justin. He spent $40 on black wife-beaters yesterday... that was his biggest news, lol. Oh yeah... I couldn't remember Cathi's number since Justin moved out like over 3 months ago so I go "Justin do you remember Cathi's number?" and he goes "Why?" and I go "Because you're brother's there for a couple nights" and he's like "Why?" and I go "So he can't spend her money" so he remebered the first 3 numbers which set me off so I could remember the last 4. It used to be my aol password. Hey.... one of Kyle's songs' videos just came on... I haven't heard from him in so long.... ok I just looked it up and it's been 23 days since I last talked to Kyle... how sad is that... my best friend... well one of them... him and Justin are equal now... awww cool... Saved By The Bell's Vegas Wedding is on... it's been a long time since I've been awake early enough to catch SBTB... Anyways... Justin told me he was gonna get off the phone with me and call Kevin so I go "I love you" and he goes "I love you too, talk to you later" and he said he might call me back later but he didn't. I wanted to call Kevin but Justin was suppose to so I called Jen back to tell her I knew the number now. No one picked up so I hung up and was gonna wait a while before calling Kevin but Jen called back my mom's cell. So I called her back and we talked for like another 10 mins. Then she had to go so I called Kevin at Cathi's... I was surprised but she actually let me talk to him. He told me about the movie The Grudge and I told him about when I stayed at Cathi's and watched Charlie's Angel's Full Throttle and me and Justin were checking out the girls lol... "She Will Be Loved" is on now... gawd I miss Kyle... anyways I asked him if he read that 3 page letter I wrote him and he said he did but his mom wouldn't let him burn it so he hid it in his room. I'm like "you better have hidden it good" and he's like "if you want you can tear my room apart I doubt you'll find it" so I guess that it'll be ok.... lol... He had some movie starting so we had to say goodbye. I go "I love you Kevin' and he goes "I love you too"... yay!... he wasn't gonna say it till I told the internet people to fuck-off and I did so he said it. Yay!... I love Kevy so so so so so so so much! Not in the same way as I love Justin... but I still love him so much.

Yeah so after that I got on my computer and talked to Monica... I took a shower around 1:30ish and I came back at 2:30ish and guess what I found..... Kevin had written to me from Cathi's screen name... the one Justin used when he was there. And I missed him goddamnit! And then Brett had been IMing me on yahoo and he signed off right as I was sitting back down at my chair... I kept talking to Monica though... I gotta get offline now though cause today is call backs to see if I got the Subway job... I want it, yet I don't want it. I want to work at Wal-Mart... it would be so much easier and funner... I would get to see tons of people... everyone goes to Wal-mart. And I'd want the night shift... cause that's usually when I'm awake and stuff.... anyways.. really I do have to be getting offline or else I'll be in trouble...
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Um... Kevy if you read this while you're at Cathi's leave a comment so I know... and write in yours... I love you!

My Chat with Kev about the previous entry....

"Me!": oh thank god
"Me!": i so totally just called u
"Cathi's house": hey
"Cathi's house": i know
"Me!": how do u know
"Me!": u guys didnt answer on purpose
"Cathi's house": i dont
"Cathi's house": lol
"Cathi's house": i got kristyns # last night
"Me!": guess what I've been doing all day again today......
"Me!": thats cool i guess
"Cathi's house": guess how much i dont care
"Cathi's house": lol
"Cathi's house": jk
"Me!": never mind Kev... i dont even want to talk to you anymore... i hate ur twisted jokes
"Cathi's house": k buye

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"Me!": Tiffy Jean
"Me!": read that asshole
"Cathi's house": no bitch
"Cathi's house": lol
"Me!": fuck you
"Cathi's house": jp
"Me!": just read it ok
"Cathi's house": ?
"Me!": please
"Cathi's house": do it again i just closed it out
"Me!": Tiffy Jean
"Cathi's house" signed off at 5:06 P.M.
"Cathi's house" signed on at 5:09 P.M.
"Cathi's house": got to hell tiffy
"Me!": why?
"Cathi's house": if thats the way you feel then i dont give2 shits about u anny more
"Cathi's house": ur pissing me off so much
"Cathi's house": holy shit
"Cathi's house": first off if your mom dosent love u then why the hell shoud u care if mat hits her
"Me!": because i still love her
"Me!": weather she loves me or not
"Cathi's house": and i cant leave a comment on ur blog beacuse cathys comp wont let me sign on
"Me!": oh
"Cathi's house": but anny way
"Cathi's house": who the hell said i didnt care about u
"Cathi's house": u?
"Me!": u did
"Cathi's house": u assume to much
"Cathi's house": and it pisses me off
"Me!": "Me!": guess what I've been doing all day again today......
"You": guess how much i dont care
"Cathi's house": and right after i said lol jp
"Cathi's house": LAUGH OUT LOUD JUST PLAYEN
"Cathi's house": so shut the fuck up
"Me!": i dont like those asshole remarks and you know it
"Cathi's house": grrr
"Cathi's house": im so pissed
"Me!": yeah well im depressed outta my mind and i have no one to talk to
"Me!": im all alone
"Me!": i swear they waited till i was all alone for them to spring this shit on me
"Cathi's house": if ur gonna type that crap about me tevery time i say somtin stupid like that then stay outt of my life
"Cathi's house": >:o
"Me!": fine if thats how you feel then i guess i will
"Cathi's house": thats not how i feel thats how u feel
"Me!": i type how i feel on my blog and i feel like no one cares and i cant help it that i feel that way Kev
"Cathi's house": ur doin this shit to ur self tiffy
"Cathi's house": i mean
"Cathi's house": jesus fuck
"Me!": yeah I'm kicking myself outta my house and i'm bossing myself around and im calling myself a crybaby and ....
"Me!": I'm not calling myself for 24 fucking days.... where the hell is he?
"Me!": I'm ignoring myself and telling myself i should go to hell
"Cathi's house": no but ur letting it get to u and its making u depressed enough to consider suicide
"Me!": im not really... i'm just saying that... like justin says I dont have the guts
"Me!": i could never really kill myself im too much of a wimp
"Cathi's house": give me the link to ur site
"Cathi's house": plz
"Me!": Tiffy Jean
"Cathi's house": Kevin also told me yesterday that I should just kill myself and go to hell and that would solve my problems... maybe he's right.... maybe that would solve everybody's problems... me just offing myself. Nobody cares about me or anything...
"Cathi's house": the people I thought cared about me have proved me wrong... like as in Kevin... i thought he cared... but I guess he doesn't... at all. I'm done with him... with friends like him who needs enemies
"Me!": yeah .... i wasn't being serious
"Me!": right
"Cathi's house": what happend to wut u rite in ur blog is wut u really feel
"Me!": it is....
"Me!": i feel like i should just off myself... but i could never really do it
"Cathi's house": IM DONE WITH HIM
"Me!": i feel like you dont care about me at all even though you say you do... sometime that is... sometimes you say you care and other times you tell me you hate me
"Me!": well.... i dont want to be... but... u really hurt me Kev when you tell me you dont care...
"Cathi's house": I'm done with him... with friends like him who needs enemies.
"Cathi's house": that hurts nomatter wut u THINK i feel about u
"Me!": i said the same thing in the note i wrote to you... i used to be ur journal and nowe you dont barely even talk to me... its like you dont care about what i feel
"Me!": well im sorry
"Cathi's house": well now that ur done with me......
"Cathi's house": good bye
"Me!": bye i guess

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"Me!": Tiffy Jean: Picture read like the last two paragraphs of this one for me
"Me!": Kevin just left for camping with the boys group.... After all that bugging me he did to be on my list as one of my best friends... now I've decided he's not one. He doesn't treat me the way he used to. He found out something about me and now..... he acts different. Like this he doesn't love me crap. I love him so much.... he suppose to be one of my best friends, and he used to say it all the time. He would always say he loved me... I'm one of those people who like to be reminded....
"Me!": but now anytime I tell him I love him, he just says "uh huh sure" or "I bet you do." And then today I go "I love you Kevy, do you love me?" and he goes "Not particually"... I don't need that. It makes me feel bad. All my friends say they love me. Even ones who are just aquaintances and he's suppose to be one of the best. Great... now I'm crying and he's the only one I had... and now he's gone too... what am I gonna do?
"Me!": Kevin made me mad at him on purpose today. He was like "It's so easy to get you mad at me" and I'm like "I know, but that doesn't mean you should do it on purpose" and he was like "you haven't been mad at me for like a week now, and I miss it" or something like that and it just pissed me off more. He's my only best friend I got left around here and goddamnit he's an asshole. I still hugged him really hard when he left and told him I love him because no matter how mad I may be at him I will alway
"Me!": always love him. Always.
"Cathi's house": stop
"Me!": r u reading any of it?
"Cathi's house": i b > back
"Cathi's house": no
"Cathi's house": i cant i gtg
"Me!": oh
"Me!": ok then
"Cathi's house": love*
"Cathi's house" signed off at 5:40 P.M.

I hate my life.....

I hate my life....
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I'm kicked outta my house... I don't know what to do anymore. I have no one. I'm sitting here breaking down bawling my eyes out and no one cares... and the people who would care... I can't get ahold of... I need to get away but yet my problem is I don't wanna leave. What I need is my friends back... everyone left me and I'm all alone. Everyone is long-distance so I can't even call anyone. Kevin was suppose to be back tonight but I went over to his house to ask what time and OJ said tomarrow... so I'm gonna be alone to deal with my thoughts all on my own again for the third night in a row... would be 5 nights but Kev was here one of those nights and fell asleep on me. That didn't help me any now did it?... I just want... I don't know... I don't wanna share a room with my sister... I mean come on... it's Sam... I'll kill her... it never worked with us sharing a room. I mean... that room has been host to some of the best times... and some of the worst times... of my life. So many memories... I don't wanna ever give it up. Not ever!
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I can't call Jen cause it's long distance... I can't call Kyle cause I don't have a number... I can't call Kev cause it's long distance and they never answer the phone anyways.... and Justin is on an activity and won't be back till around 7ish.
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I should just give it all up.... there's no one I can talk to.... no one understands me... everyone thinks I'm some big baby who cries all the time and doesn't want to grow up... well that's true... I am a big baby who doesn't want to grow up. I hate my life. I wouldn't mind having a job... it's just the getting one that's hard. But even if I had a job... that wouldn't be enough for these people. Kev said (yesterday)that I should stop thinking like the world is out to get me but I can't help it. I feel like everyone hates me and nobody seems to want me not even my own mother wants me anymore. She wants to get rid of me... she doesn't love me.
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I have no choices... I have no future.. what the hell am I even still doing here on earth... Kevin also told me yesterday that I should just kill myself and go to hell and that would solve my problems... maybe he's right.... maybe that would solve everybody's problems... me just offing myself. Nobody cares about me or anything... the people I thought cared about me have proved me wrong... like as in Kevin... i thought he cared... but I guess he doesn't... at all. I'm done with him... with friends like him who needs enemies.
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And like Kyle... why hasn't he called me? It's been 24 days now since I've heard from him... he's suppose to be my best friend.... he called and told me his sister got a new cell phone and then he doesn't call. Why would he call to tell me that... to rub it in when he doesn't call me.... Kev also said that I make it out to be like the world is against me. Well... isn't it? It sure as fuck feels like the world is against me. I don't know what to do anymore. I hate myself and my life and the way I'm leading it into a deep black hole. I can't stand it.
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Jen.... Jen at least loves me... I know that much... Jen loves me... and I am a horrible friend to her... I gotta stop that... I don't wanna stop what I'm doing but... I lvoe Jen so much... I may be.... never mind... but... she's my best friend and I love her so much... that stupid fucker Matt won't let me call her. It's not like it will cost any money... it's free weekends.... now I have some motivation to get a job... to hire a hit man and have Matt knocked the fuck off. I mean it... it's not just the phone thing either... the world would be such a better place if he wasn't in it! I hate that fucker... he bosses us all around and he breaks my mom down emotionally with words... he's only really hit her once but to me that's enough... I want him dead.... I hate him! I don't want my mom to have to deal with his bull shit anymore. I jsut figured out the perfect solution to all of our housing problems... I'll kill Matt myself and go to jail... then there will be two less people my mom has to take care of. Yay... what a great problem solver I am... I can just go to jail... of course... I'll never lose my virginity in jail... unless I'm raped by some cop or something... ewwww... or a girl... even more ewww.... gawd!
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I'm gonna post this now but work on it somemore and post it updated later... I just wanna send a link to a certain someone who doesn't actually care about me so won't read this and definatly won't comment because he hates me and thinks I should kill myself... some best friend he is huh? ..... WML...

I've talked to Justin twice since the last time I wrote.... *sighs*..... last night when I called him I was really mad at his brother so I go "Justin I'm upset, tell me something to make me feel good" and he goes "I love you" and I'm like "thank you"... he was right... that did make me feel better. We talked for like half an hour so that was cool. Angelina was over and setting up her computer for me to use while mine gets fixed and she's like "what do you want your picture to be?" and I'm like I don't know and Justin's like "the frog" so I said the frog and she used it... today he told me that the frog was his picture when they had a computer lol... I told him about him being equal to Kyle now and he's like... "Only because he's not here"... we're only each other's best friends because Kyle isn't here... how sad is that lol?
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This morning he called my cell at 9:51am... I was like... oh no... what's wrong... it was so early I was worried about him. He was calling because he wanted his uncle Shawn's # from his mom but his mom wasn't home. I was like "I thought you were dead or something" and he's like "If I was dead I couldn't call you" and I was like "They could have been calling to notify me" and he's like "why would they notify you? They would notify my mom." and I'm like "I'm on your list they might notify me too"... it was funny.
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Then we talked about something a little private … the gist of it was “you replaced me with Kevin?”…. lol. I hope Justin knows that Kevin will never replace him in my heart… awwww… wasn’t that sweet?
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Anyways last night before he left I go “I love you” and he goes “Yep love you too. Peace”… *sighs* I love him so much! He's been saying it without the platonically for a few days now YAY!.... gawd I love him!!!!
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hey I missed 4:20 by 5 minuets

Well Kev's gone.....

Kevin just left for camping with the boys group.... After all that bugging me he did to be on my list as one of my best friends... now I've decided he's not one. He doesn't treat me the way he used to. He found out something about me and now..... he acts different. Like this he doesn't love me crap. I love him so much.... he suppose to be one of my best friends, and he used to say it all the time. He would always say he loved me... I'm one of those people who like to be reminded.... but now anytime I tell him I love him, he just says "uh huh sure" or "I bet you do." And then today I go "I love you Kevy, do you love me?" and he goes "Not particually"... I don't need that. It makes me feel bad. All my friends say they love me. Even ones who are just aquaintances and he's suppose to be one of the best. Great... now I'm crying and he's the only one I had... and now he's gone too... what am I gonna do? I want to call Justin but it's too early and I can't call Jen till after 9 on the cell cause it's not a weekend. I stayed up all night to see him off and he didn't even hug me goodbye.... much less say he loved me when I said it to him. And Justin is suppose to be the mean one.....
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Justin is becoming the sweet one.... yesterday on the phone I was telling him about my mom bitching about me going to job corps and he goes "Dude, you should. Then we could just chill out together all the time. Chill out on campus, or off campus" and he's like "We won't be able to do any drugs, but at least we'll have each other".... yep he said that... what a sweetheart right? Then when he had to go he said he loved me.... I know only as a friend but he stopped saying "platonically"... thank god because that was getting annoying. I always knew what he meant. He's never been in love with me, I know that but... I don't know. It's kinda scary... but I think Justin and Kyle are on the same level now... like... I don't know... the other day when he was like "I can't believe I'm not higher than Kyle" I felt kinda bad and I got to thinking about it... and... Justin... even being in that place... has been there for me a lot lately. I mean... Kyle kinda can't help it... but I've needed someone a lot lately and... I can't go to Kevin... he's too immature and he doesn't like to talk to me much... he's always using me.... asking me to give him back massages and shit. I guess it's kinda hard for Justin to use me what with him being way the fuck out there in nowheresville. He still tries though... wanting me to bring him magic cards.
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But still... Kev hates it that I say he acts like his brother but it's true. The more I'm around Kevin... the meaner he gets. The farther I am away from Justin... the sweeter he gets... absence makes the heart grow fonder... I guess that's true. So I'm kinda scared about being around Justin at Job Corps all the time. I mean I know we'd have a lot of work to do and stuff.... which... I am so lazy... but we'd still have a lot of time to be together and we both know that when we get together we like to fight.
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I can't believe Kevy doesn't even care anymore... after all that shit he put me through. He used to say I was his journal but now... he never talks to me anymore. What the hell happened?.... I know what happened.... *amazing* happened.... damnit! I hate this... my back hurts and I'm so tired. Kev doesn't care about me at all.... why doesn't he? What did I do wrong?
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And we always joke around about everything when we're around other people... but when it's just me and him and I'm trying to have a regular conversation with him he gets all defensive and crap and shuts right up. he won't even say words to me... he just mumbles... and then he always needs to be high. It's like he can't have fun without being stoned... he has a problem with that. I mean... getting stonded is fun... but I for one don't want to make it my fucking life. Ok I am fucking tired so nightez all... oh fuck I have to call Lyndsey. I'll only talk for a little while cause I've been up for 21 hours.... *yawns*

My mom is a stupid fucking bitch

I hate her so much. She fucking sitting in the living room harrassing me because I want to see my friend. I can't help it that I want to see him sometimes. She's like "go to Job Corps get your fill of him" and I'm like "I don't want to be around him 24/7" and she's like "Good I'll tell Rose you don't have to go up there to see him anymore" I don't see why I can't go to see him. Just because I don't want to be around him 24/7 doesn't mean I don't want to see him ever! He's still my best friend. It's not my fault I can only see him specific days... like as in Saturday's so I wrote on my schedule that I couldn't work Saturdays... what the fuck does that bitch expect me to do work 7 days a week 20 hours a day... 4 hours to sleep?... She's a fucking bitch who doesn't understand what having a friend means. I want to see my friend... because that's what Justin is - he's my friend. I hate her so fucking much right now. I want to go over to Kevin's and just talk to him but knowing him he'll be asleep and then all pissy if I try to wake him up. I'm gonna get offline and go check anyways because everyone started harrassing me in the first place because I'm on the computer.
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I love you Justin and my mom can't keep me from you no matter how hard she tries I will always find a way to contact you because your my best friend and I love you.
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I love you too Kyle. Where are you when I need you?

U Guys Suck... I never get any comments

Ok so yesterday sucked. I ended up going to the ER because my back hurt so fucking much. They didn't give me anything good. Ibuprofen 800 milligrams.... in a couple days I'm gonna go back and be like "This isn't helping any"... I told the doctors that I didn't know why my back hurt... I think I do know but.... anyways.... Angelina called my cell while I was there and came to support me. After we left the doctor's we called Russell to give us a ride and when we got home mom started cooking hotdogs but I don't like them so I paid Russell a magic card to drive me to McDonald's to get two double cheeseburgers. He got everybody ice cream sundaes. It was funny first he was like 2, no 3, 4, 5, 6, and then we drove up and paid then we got the food and he was like can I get two more. That was so funny. We got home and ate the ice creams. Then I called Justin.... when I said "I love you" he said it back... no... Platonically involved for once... I know it was only platonically... but he didn't say it and that made me happy. Angelina and me went up to my room and listened to music and she put on some of my makeup to make her look all gothic and stuff. She went and scared my brother. Then we went downstairs and sat around just watching TV. Then finally Kevin showed up and I was like "Thank GOD do you have a liter?" he had left mine at his house so he went over and got it while me and Angelina went up to my room and waited. He came back and we got *positive*. I was craving a cigarette so I went downstairs bumming. Russell gave me one but I had to take Gabby with me upstairs. Kev helped us smoke a cigarette and then left. I couldn’t get him to say he loved me. I'm like "I love you" and he's like "Uh-huh sure" we went over to the church steps and just talked for a bit. We went back home and I got 2 dollars...in nickels... from Matt to buy soda at Cumby's... I also got Russell to give me a dollar to buy the kids brownies. I had 50 cents so I got me and Angelina a brownie each. We walked home and Russell gave the kids each a brownie and then each of us a brownie too. Yum! Then we went upstairs and started watching The Virgin Suicides but Angelina feel asleep before Lux even had sex with Trip. I've been up watching Married With Children, and South Park, and The Brady Bunch, and some comedian guy.... I'm pretty bored right now and I have to pee so I'm going to go.... write more later.

So bored.....

Yeah... so...today was a total wash. Summer sucks.... I haven't even changed out of my bedclothes today. The farthest I went outside was over to Rose's house so Justin could talk to his mom when I called him. Kevy is gone for the night to Lani's and I have no one to hang out with. I was online a lot today talking to everybody. Jaylyn, Becca, Ashley, Emily, Kelci, Kristen's sister, Alicia, and Jeremy. It was ok but boring. I mean I love being online and stuff.. but... I miss having actual conversations with people.
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God.. I keep trying to call Justin cause he called my cell but it keeps saying "not available" goddamn it! ................. damnit.. I finally got through and he can't take a phone call tonight anymore. He called my cell 3 times and he can't take phone calls... well I can't use my minuets up. I only have 36 and if there's ever an emergency I will need my units. Oh shit! I just remembered I didn't call Jen... she is gonna be so mad at me. I just tried to get Matt's cell but he's on it so I have no way to get ahold of her.
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Kevin made me mad at him on purpose today. He was like "It's so easy to get you mad at me" and I'm like "I know, but that doesn't mean you should do it on purpose" and he was like "you haven't been mad at me for like a week now, and I miss it" or something like that and it just pissed me off more. He's my only best friend I got left around here and goddamnit he's an asshole. I still hugged him really hard when he left and told him I love him because no matter how mad I may be at him I will always love him. Always.
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Well I guess that's it... there's nothing more to write. I am so very bored. I think I may download some songs now I guess.... nothing better to do.

Bored and not *positive*......

Yesterday after I got online to post my blog I stayed on until like 6 am and went to bed at like 7am... god I am so tired. I have an interview at Subway on Monday at 10am... I hope I wake up on time. Kevin might be staying at Lani's tonight so I will be all alone and bored all night. This sux.... Oh guess what.... Brett called me! I was in the shower lol.... I made Sam give me the phone and I got dressed while I was talking to him. I miss him so much. God I am so bored.... I went over to Kevy's to get him so we could get *positive* but he had just left.... I wonder where he went?.... I am so bored... I have nothing better to do than sit here and write this... ahh Brett's song just came on the radio.... I really need to download it soon.... like tonight. Blessid Union of Souls, "Accidentally In Love"..... how weird. I just got off the phone with him and now his song is on the radio. I really miss him. I really miss Kyle... I miss Justin too.... so much. And Jen.... she might be able to come up for a week after I've worked for a little while and stuff.
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I went downstairs and to Kevin's to see if he was home yet and him and James were on the porch. They came up to my room and we *positive.* They are so dumb.. lol... Jeesh.... stupid handshake they got. They also kept playing with fire and that's on the list, NO PLAYING WITH FIRE! in my room. Anyways James was being gross talking about his bowel functions so I told him to leave... he was like "I have to go anyways" which he was suppose to be home half an hour before. So he left and Kevy kept playing with his liter trying to light his hand on fire and stuff.... I went downstairs to get Sam off the computer and got into a fight with her about it. I won and took the phone to my room to call Justin. He is at the Y and will be back around 9pm they said. So I'm gonna call then. I'll probably write a little more after my phone call to him.
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I called Justin at 9 like I was suppose to but he wasn’t back yet so they told me to call back in 3 minuets and I waited five. Then the new girl I got said to call back in ten minuets so I did that and I finally got to talk to him. Good thing I can use my home phone and don’t have to lose units on my cell for this. Jeesh!
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Yeah so I called Justin on my regular home phone and Kevin called Jen on his moms cell phone and then we had Justin and Jen talking back and forth between us...it was so funny. Justin and me just basically talked about Runescape some more.... that's all he ever talks and thinks about it seems sometimes. Tomorrow is his last day of playing Runescape for a while because Kids Peace is going to have a two week summer vacation from school. Justin had to get off the phone and then like 20 or so mins later Jen had to get off the phone... While we were on the phone with them me and Kevy got more positive and they got mad lol. They were jealous... Both of them are so adorable! After we got off the phones...we got in bed and fell asleep.... we woke up and talked a little... well I talked he just like laid there mumbling.... that’s a guy for you.... anyways... then at 1am his auntie Kim had come over looking for him so my mom came upstairs and got him and he left. That's it I guess.... write more tomorrow.

See I Told You I Could Do It........

This may sound dumb but I am listening to The Who's "Teenage Wasteland" song that was featured in an episode of Dawson's Creek - one of the best but most unrelistic, teen soap opera. In the Episode Jen - my favorite characher, has had a bad day and doesn't even want to talk to her best frined so she listens to this song and dances around crazily. I think it may be one of my favorite scenes of the series. This scene introduced me to the song so now everytime I listen to it, I think about Jen dancing and how in the series finale she dies. I'm stupid but I'm also *positive* and I cried thinking about it. How much of a lozer am I?

Anyways... how long has it been since I typed?.... hmm... I don't know and I can't check because I'm on the computer in my room and I don't have an internet connection anymore.... you may wonder how I got this online if I don't have the internet?... well I have a cd burner and it burns data cd's too. So I just burn the entry to a data disk and voula! I can take it downstairs and upload it. Why I hadn't thought of this before? I don't know.

Guess what... Elena gets her check tomarrow so she'll be sending him the money to get up here soon. Yay Yay Yay.... I can't wait!!!!!! Now I'm listening to the Life As We Know It Theme... It reminds me of Kyle and Justin.... *sighs* I miss them.... but I have all the episodes (except that one Kyle has in Iowa) recorded so I can watch them with Kevy. He likes it too... I don't think he likes it as much as Justin and Kyle but he still likes it. I absolutly love it and I have no idea why they would cancel such a great show. They never should have versed it against The OC... of course I watched LAWKI but not everyone gave up The OC for LAWKI... and they didn't get high enough radings so they canceled it. That wasn't fair! The DVD set comes out August 26th... I think it said. Anyways I am going to be first inline to buy it. Then I can see the two unaired final episodes.... Aaaaahhhh I want to see it so bad!.... I have since given up on TV. I don't want to get interested in any more shows and have them get cancelled. TV SUCKS!

Ok so I'm gonna write about my day. I woke up around 1:00pm and I got dressed and went downstairs to get on the computer so I could talk to Justin on Runescape right, but Sam was on the computer offline and I was like "Get online." and she's like "No" in that bratty voice she has and she goes "Mom's waiting fo a phone call" So I went upstairs and played on my computer a little bit... bored outta my mind. I had to go to the bathroom after awhile so I went downstairs and Sam and CUllen were fighting and Mom, Matt, and Laura had to go to some meeting so I got stuck watching the little angels. I had to stay downstairs so I tried to get on the computer but Matt had taken away the wires or something so I went upstairs and got one of my cords and brought in down but the monitor need to have a power cord too. I tried to use the one off the new computer but it didn't work so I had to go take that one off my computer too. While the comp and aol and stuff were loading I cooked hamburger and cheese to eat. Plus I threw in a load of laundry and started the dishes. I barely was on the computer at all. Kevin showed up with James Bond and some Andrew kid - not gay Andrew. We went to my room for maybe 10 minuets then they had to leave because I didn't want to get in trouble for having people in the house when Mom and MAtt aresn't home. I went back downstairs and Cullen had turned the computer off. So I restarted it and got online and I checked everybodys blogs but no one had updated since the last time I was online so I checked NaToni's Xanga and I read that. And I went to NaToni's comments and recognized Maranda Lovel so I went to hers but my aol lost connection or something cause it just turned itself off. AOL, not the whole computer. The family counselers showed up and started playing Skip-Bo with Cullen The computer it signed itself back on. I went to NaToni's blog to get back to Maranda's but Matt pulled up and I wasn't suppose to be on the computer so I jumped up and started doing more dishes. When Matt came in the kitchen he asked me how I got it working since he had taken all the cords so I said I was using mine and he just ripped them out of the computer and practically threw them at me. He yelled at me that I was never to touch his computer again and I was like "I did dishes and laundry and cooked." The councelers stuck up for me because I was folding and sorting clothes when they got there but Matt still yelled at me so I went up to my room and everything hit me. The fact that I screwed up school again this year and Kyle and Justin and Jen are so far away and just my new job and everything... I started crying. I felt so dumb! I went next door to talk to Kevin but James and Andrew were still there so I didn't. Matt came in and embarrassed me in front of them calling me a "flip-case." I stormed back to my room and cried some more. Then I went downstairs and got a lecture about my getting a job. I went back to my room and played on my computer until Kevin, James, and Andrew showed up. After like 20 minets trying to talk me into getting *positive* with them James and ANdrew had to leave. For like five minets we sat in my room listening to music and talking a bit. Then my mom knocked on the door asking what I wanted from Whipper's and Sean was going to my brothers room. I was like "Hey Kevin, Sean's here." So we all went into Nick's room... Cullen bugging us at the door.... and got positive. After the food got there Matt came up and yelled at us for smoking with Nick and Sean and Kevin left... oh yea... Sean called his brother and I got to talk to him a little bit. Then I came in my room and started typing this.... now I'm gonna go see if Kevin can come back over yet. Brb..... Ok.. I'm back... Kevin is watching some movie called "Be Cool" that I've already seen. I'm waiting for him to come over when it's done. I am so incredible bored out of my mind.... I called Justin and he's going on some YMCA trip...I think he's gonna be gone late so I'll call him tomarrow. In 20 minets I'm gonna call Jen. Yay! Never mind... Justin called me and now I'm talking to him.
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Yay Yay Yay!!!! On the phone Justin goes "I can't believe I'm not your best friend more than Kyle" and I explained to him about Kyle saving my life and stuff and then I said, "And Kyle's more you're best friend then I am too" and he goes "Not really anymore" Aaaaahhhhh!!!! Now I don't want to replace Kyle or anything but I just like being Justin's best friend. I love being anyone's best friend! I love it! I asked him later, I'm like "Am I really getting to be your best friend more than Kyle?" and he's like "Well if Kyle was here he'd still be ahead of you, but yeah" and he said something about never talking to Kyle anymore and I'm like "Well I talk to him all the time ON HIS BLOG! And I read his blog to keep up with him and stuff".... he told me blogs are dumb and stuff lol. I am so stupidly happy about this. Wow I'm dumb! I also told him about John Rynes and Joey Cluoutier making fun of me the other day so now he wants to beat there asses... haha I warned them. Justin's like telling me about this time he almost beat up John before but John nearly pissed himself lol.... He said that he almost got in the fight while John was dating Danika and Danika liked him. He's like "She was like you" and "before I knew you were obbsessive over me" I like "You didn't know at one point" and he told me that no because I "stalked me from afar" lol... I did not stalk him. He said he was oblivious and that Kyle was the one who actually noticed that I liked Justin in the first place. It was a great conversation. OhOhOh... I know I never wrote this but last night on the phone Justin was like "Tiff I gotta go" and I'm like why? and he goes "I've been a bad boy" and I'm like "Bad boy huh?" and he's like "Yeah, I need to be spanked" lol... it was so hilarious. Today when we were talking, I remember it was when I was telling him about Kyle saving me from killing myself, he said he didn't have the balls to kill himself so I couldn't either. And I'm like "that day I would have if it wasn't for Kyle" and I'm like, "wanna make a suiside pact?" and he's like "Yeah, sure, what's that?" and I explained to him about us killing ourselves together and he's like "No, when we're old we'll hit each other with wiffle bats until one of us dies and then the other one has to kill themselves" lol. We were both laughing like crazy. I was just like "I miss you so much. I hate you for being in that place" and he's like "I hate this place." It was so cute. God... he only has like 10 more days... one more weekend.
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Where is Kevin... he's suppose to come back over so I can call Jen ... well screw him. I'm gonna call her now anyways.... brb ... Ok so I looked for my mom's cell for like half an hour and finally Matt let me use his instead. I got to talk to her for about Five minuets because she had to go to the store with her grandmother. I told her about getting *positive* today and about what Justin told me. It kinda sucked that I only get to talk to her a little bit but it's better than nothing I guess. Well that's all I guess... now I'm gonna transfer this to downstairs... so I can post... Luv ya'll.... *Tiffy*

Gotta be quick about this.....

Click here for pictures..... (photo album)

Ohmygosh

Ok... weird thought run through my mind constantly.... earlier I thought of Kevin while I was in the bathroom peeing...lol...(When I came out of the bathroom he was coincedentally waiting for me... jeesh) and right now I just got this "Ohmygosh I made out with Kyle, he's like my little brother" thought.... how very, very odd.
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I really miss Kyle though.... he never calls me. EVER! Anymore and I miss him.
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Today I turned in my Subway application.... Lani came over with Kevy and got *positive* with us (Angelina and Me)... that was so cool. We all watched the new episode of Summerland. I don't remeber it so it's a good thing I recorded it.
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Well I have to get off the comp... how do u like shorter entries?

So tired....

I'm really to tired towrite much so this will be a short entry. Today I went to Cony's graduation.... I just sat and watched and cried. After the graduation Cora came home with me so Monica could go to the project graduation party thing. I got into a little fight with Kevy... yes again... but we made up so it's all good. We got positive (Kevin, Angelina, Cora, and me)and then at like 10:30 we went to meet Monica.. not Kevy of course cause his curfew is 10pm on school nights. Then when we got back to sand hill we went and sat of the church steps for like an hour or so. Then I came home and got bitched at about getting a job. First thing in the morning I have to wake up and go to Subway with my application... should be fun. I mean, I want a job... for the money and such. I just don't want my time to be filled all the time. I like being availible when something happens. I don't know... I'm tired. I'm going to bed. Nightz all

I don't think.....

I don't think I ever got to take that nap I was talking about...
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Jen and Kevin came back aroun 3ish and we got positive. At four me and Kevin walked Jen to her old house and Jen's family was packing the car. Jen's gram told her she'd pick her back up in a few hours because there wasn't enough room in the car. We went to Cumby's and they all talked to Janet... Kevy stole Sugarbabies... we went back home and Kevin and Jen got positive with my brother while I sat out... I didn't want to cause he has a big mouth. We walked across the street to meet Jen's gram at the church like 2 hours later or so and ended up waiting out there over an hour. I had a score on snake of like 1600 or something but I paused it to show Jen and she's like "oh can I play" and click's on 'new game' erasing my score.... it's ok though cause now my score is 1704... beat it this morning... yay!
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Angelina and some guy friend Josh of her's showed up. He was wearing a tie but no shirt... very odd. Jen's grandmother showed up and she left. Kevin and me walked away in sadness. We went back to my house and up in my room. After like half an hour Angelina's friend left and we smoked the last of what I had.... Kev's was long gone. Angelina left at 8 and me and Kev went up to my room. I think that's when I fell asleep... I think I fell asleep giving him a back massage. I know that Monica and Cora showed up around like 10pm with money so Kev and Cora went "for a walk" and when they got back we got positive again. They didn't leave till like 1:30am Saturday morning... I made Kevin stay till around 3ish by giving him a back massage. Once Kevy left I went and got on the computer trying to load my family pics to my new tripod photo gallery but I kept falling asleep... such as I am now because I havent't slept... so around 5:30ish I went up to bed.
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Kev came and woke me upp at like 10... time to go see Justin... I slept almost the whole way there. He loved his camera and key chain I got him... he did give me the kiss he owed me. It was funny cause we were like inside his... holding place... I don't know what to call it... but the staff guy was like right there so when he tried to kiss me I like backed away and he's like "these aren't roll-over kisses, you can't save um' up, it's now or never" and I was still like no but when we got outside I had him do it. While we were there we went to Shaw's and got salad.... Justin only got chicken, olives, pepperonni and baby corns. Then we went to Burger King and ate our salads, lol...it was funny. I took pics of the boys shirtless... *sighs*... sexyful. I slept all the way back too.
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When we got back to Augusta we went to Wal-mart... me and Kevin went and looked at my pictures even though I didn't ahve my money... then we gave the pictures back.... When we got home I took a shower and then we got positive with my brother. Kevin went home to help put groceries away and I went to Wal-mart with moomy for like 3 hours... I called Jen while I was in Wal-mart and her and Jessi were positive too, lol. I tried to call Justin but it went straight to the answering machine thingy which is really starting to piss me off. Anyways, I bought my pics and came home. I brought a copy of the pic of Justin, Kevin, and Rose over to give to her and got Kevin. He was watching some movie or something. We went up to my room and I fell asleep giving him a back massage again...lol... that poor boy must be so annyoed by my doing that all the time now. It's just so boring. Anyways... he left around 5am this morning... two hours after he had wanted to leave but I was giving him a massage and not falling asleep so he didn't want to leave lol. After he left I cut up my pictures and put them in my scrapbook, plus cleaned my room. Then I came downstairs and got on the computer and here I am....
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Well... I guess I'm done then.... I love you Kevy.
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I love KJS, JDT, JRC, KMM, LMC, BMB, NRS, ALSP, JLB, NH, MS, CL, MH, and everyone else I forgot. I love you!

Graduation

Well…. Kyle’s not here yet. I hope he gets his little Mexican ass up here soon. The only thing good that could come outta him not being here now is the longer he stays down there the later into July he can stay up here. Maybe he’ll even be here for my birthday…. I sure as all hell hope so.
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Yesterday I went to Jaylyn’s graduation…. That was pretty cool. She looked really pretty. Her dress was really pretty and I met her whole family… her brother and her brothers girlfriend and her grandparents and her dad and I met her ex bf Ed. He was really nice. He might not be the cutest guy like she said but he is really sweet. And he drives… even if he doesn’t have his license (he had it taken away) he still drives so that’s cool. I had an interesting conversation with Karissa about FWB’s…. interesting to say the least lol. Jaylyn has a horrible picture of me on her wall… yuk. I look so stupid. I have my really short brown hair and… ahh… I hate that picture. She should take it down. Her ceremony was at Colby college and they didn’t have any air conditioning…. I was wearing my new (stolen) white tank top shirt with a sheer black cover but it was so hot I took it off during the diploma hand outs. After it was done and Jaylyn was done having her picture taken a bazillion and one times Ed drove us back to her house but he got lost lol… that was funny. He’s like “I was trying to avoid traffic” yeah right…. We got lost and Jaylyn almost missed her trip to OOB…. project graduation. After she left Ed drove Karissa home to Skowhegan. It took so long. We stopped at a gas station and got free pizza. Yum! That was the good part.
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Then I got dropped off like an hour later at 11ish. I quickly stripped and put on my pajamas. Jen called needing a place to sleep but my mom was being a ho and said no and some other stuff that really pissed me and Jen off. Anyways I went next door and OJ and Rose said she could stay there so I got dressed and went to meet her. We went and got positive behind the big rock up the hill a bit but Jen was all paranoid so we went into the bushes but that was uncomfortable so we went out behind the laundry mat. We were so positive I could barely walk. I walked her to their door then came home and waited two and a half hours for my mom to give me a chance to write in my blog but she never did. I went to sleep around 2:30ish.
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Jen and Kevin woke me up for a cigarette at like 6:15am… after they left I went back to sleep till 9ish. My mom woke me up and Matt gave me a ride. I took my English final which was incredibly easy and went to see Ms Woods who said I am all set for the final… aka I didn’t have to take it. So I went for a walk around the school. Really I was going to see if Ms Buxton was around to see if maybe I could get a passing computer grade but she wasn’t so when I ran into Ms Ralph in the hall I said I was going for a walk because I was gonna miss it. I really will. Next year I’m going to night school… my classes might be at Cony but then again they might not. So I went outside and smoked a cigarette with Cora and went inside to use Ms Hardison’s phone but the home phone was busy and so was Matt’s cell so I went back outside and Cora’s mom gave me a ride home…
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I got on the computer and started writing this in a word document because my mom was on the phone. When she got off I got online and went on Runescape and talked to Justin. Kevin came over and Justin soon had to leave for lunch. Jen showed up outside and Kevin ran off to see her. I signed outta Runescape and went next door. Kevin pretended to shut the door on me (JERK!) Jen wanted me to walk with her to the school and then down to the skate park but it is so extremely hot outside so I passed. She’s suppose to be back around 3pm to get positive with me.
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When I got back on Runescape Justin was on again and he goes “slacking off” and I explained to him about Jen being here and he asked me why I didn’t go and I told him about the heat and then I’m like “and 2…. U” and he goes “for me how sweet” or something like that and I’m like, “but mostly because it’s hot out” and he laughed. Lol… it was funny.
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Anyways that’s it… I guess…. I’m done… I’m gonna go upstairs and take a nap I think.

yeah....

yeah so... I went to school and got Ms Massey to ok me making up my final but Ms Hardison was like tomarrow at 9:30 so goddamnit I still have school. This sucks so bad! Anyways... yeah.... I went outside and Cora was out there so we went across the street and smoked a cigerette. I and shared mine with Megan (Farington). Poor girl had an EDD today. Yeah... then I went inside and to the library, printed off Kevin, Jen, Kyle, and my recent blog entries. Then the bell rang and I went to the lobby and ran into Kiwi. She told me to go to rm 126 cause she was giving her final speech today. I had to find Jen first. I found Jen and hugged her and stuff and she kept tring to take a picture of me but I hate not knowing what the picture looks like before other people see them so I wouldn't let her. After I left Jen and started going inside NaToni called my cell from Texas looking for Jen Thibodeau. I looked around for her and told everyone if they saw her to have her call NaToni.. I don't know if she ever did or not. Um.... I went and found Kiwi's class... AManda Burchstead was outside waiting too and she asked me something about finals and I was like "I'm a senior too. I was in you're English class all year"... jeesh. She asked me my name and I was like "Tiffany" and she's like "I'm Amanda" I was like "I know"... I wanted to say "I know... I'm not a retard?"... I mean I know I didn't go that often but still.... I was in the class all year DAMN!.... I'm invisable. Yeah so... then Kiwi came out and I got lunch and she talked to Ms Dushen (sp?) Then we walked to my house running into Doug, James, and Ari on the rotary. We stole DOug and he walked with us to my house. When we got up here Nick (my brother,lozer) and Kevin were on they're way to the skate park but they wanted me and Doug and Kiwi to go with them. I took a cold shower, it was orgasmic as Justin would say, and got online cause they had all dissapeered. They all showed up like 10 mins later and wanted me to go with them but I didn't want to. I hate the skate park! Plus it's really, really humid out today. It's not much better where I'm sitting currently but somewhat... at least I'm not in the direct sunlight ya know. I don't tan... I burn and go back to white as all hell so I hate it with a passion. Anyways they all left and I got on Runescape and talked to Justin for like 3 hours.... yay!... He said he loves me (platoniclly).... Why must he add that every time? I know what he means when he says it. Damn! I was typing him the lyrics to Keyshia Cole's "I Just Want It To Be Over" and I'm like "It reminds me of you" and he's like "You make me sound like the devil" and I'm like "aren't you?" and eveentually, he typed back "I'm much worse" lol.... Oh and my Runescape boyfriend tried to pressure me into having Runescape cex with him. What a lozer. I told him "I'm a virgin and not a tramp" and that I had to go cut more Willows lol... Well I have to get offline to get ready for Jaylyn's graduatin... so I'll prolly write more later tonight. Byes all.

A possible boyfriend

Ok so yesterday I met this guy... his name is Carl which is not a sexy name or anything but I can make him up a sexy nick name or something. Anyways, he's really cute... not as sexyful as Justin but still really cute. He has a job.... he's the manager of a resturant or something and he's only 19. And.... best of all... he likes to get positive! Yes! He actually seems interested in me too... I mean he hasn't come out and said anything yet but... I don't know... the way he looked at me. It made me like melt. I don't know.... maybe I can use him to get over Justin a little bit. Not really use him but.... like I don't know... maybe he can help me move on. When he was over here tonight I just wanted to go "Do you wanna make out?" like Kirsten Dunst did in that Dick movie. God I want to take him to my room and.... anyways.... Justin said he'd give me a kiss on the cheek the next time he saw me if I had 800 willows in Runescape by tomarrow... I got 1220... what do you think he'll think of that. And I'm level 60 woodcutting! Oh yeah... go me.... Kyle still hasn't shown up... but maybe that's a good thing... maybe he's working on getting to stay here through my birthday at least. Cross your fingers and pray for me if your religious. I love you all and I'll write a long one later today I'm sure but now I need to go to sleep so I don't miss another chance at getting my final done and over with. Jaylyn's graduation is today... that should be fun. I'm gonna miss her when she goes away to college... not like we ever see each other now but still... well... got to go... WML.
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I LOVE YOU KYLE JAMES SANCHEZ!

Called him.

He's so crazy.... he was wearing a cowboy hat when I called him. He just had to point that out to me. He got a suit at the store yesterday when he was in Bangor. Job Corps isn't a sure thing. I thought it was, but no, I was wrong. I was like "my mom wants me to go to Job Corps" and he's like "You should dude" he's like, they'll hook you up with a bunch of money and blah, blah, blah, and we'll get to see each other. He wants me to go so he can see me more often. Yay! Anyways I gotta sign off and call him back.... he ah.... had to use the bathroom... he wasn't as nice explaining it to me, lol, ewwwww!

Gardnier

Jen is moving to Gardnier.... friday she's going to her Grandmother's in Noreigewalk(sp?) and then she's going to live in Gardnier until August when she goes to Conneticut for a month. The only good thing about this I can see is that she'll probably get to hang out with Brett since he lives down there. I know I'll make my mom go pick her up to spend weekends down here and stuff. This sucks..... read about it more on her blog and at Kevin's blog
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Our group is seperating even more......
Brett and Jen will be in Gardnier
Kyle eventually will have to go back to Iowa
Justin is going to go to Job Corps in Bangor and is in Ellsworth currently
Leola is in Booth Bay
Me, Kevin, and Kiwi are gonna be here
2 outta my 7 best friends will be here with me
thank god Kevin isn't still in Casco or it would be just me and Kiwi all alone.
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I HATE THIS!

Bad relationships or what....

Eating too many fried foods is bad for your health. Smoking cigarettes is bad for your health. And some relationships are bad for your health, too — your emotional health. There are researchers and parents to tell us what foods and drugs are bad for us. But how do you know when a relationship is bad for you? It's not easy.
Bottom line, an unhealthy relationship will usually make you feel unsafe or bad about yourself. Check out these warning signs:

1. DISSrespect

Insults, putdowns, and teasing are all forms of disrespect. That also includes digs about your race or culture or religion. Disrespect can sound something like "You say the stupidest things," or "You look fat in that dress," or "You're nothing without me." No matter what it sounds like, disrespect hurts — probably longer than the relationship because it can do major damage to your self-esteem, which can last for a long time. (all the time with Justin)

2. Jealousy - is bad news for a relationship. Some people mistake jealousy for love. "My ex used to get jealous if I talked to other guys. I thought it was cute that he cared about me so much that he wanted me all to himself, but after a while it got to be suffocating," explains Jenna, 16. No one has the right to tell you what to do, where to go, or how to dress. There's nothing cute about jealousy. A person who is jealous doubts the other person's love or commitment. Jenna's ex didn't trust her. If your partner doesn't want you talking to other people or doesn't like you to hang out with your friends — girls or guys — there's a major trust problem in your relationship. (I always get jealous)

3. Lies, Lies, and More Lies - Telling lies or being lied to always spells trouble. Small lies usually lead to big lies, and many lies can destroy a relationship. Honesty is essential for a healthy relationship, and if you can't tell the one you love the truth, there's something wrong. Some people think keeping the truth from a partner is OK. What she doesn't know won't hurt her, right? Wrong. Keeping secrets isn't being honest either. Some things to think about: why are you doing something that you have to lie about? Are you so scared of your partner's reaction that you have to keep it to yourself? ( I have to keep secrets aka "Lie" to Justin all the time)

4. No Fair! - Anthony and Vanessa dated for four months. They fought a lot about little things — like why he didn't call her and why she was always late. These little fights escalated when neither one could admit they were wrong. And sometimes even when Anthony did admit he was wrong and apologized, Vanessa held it against him for weeks! Sound familiar? If you or your partner can't admit your mistakes and expect forgiveness, your relationship could be causing you a lot of unnecessary anger and heartache. (I'm always fighting with Justin... and with Kevin YIKES!)

5. Control Freak - Who's the boss of you? You are. No one has the right to tell you what to do, where to go, or how to dress. Jessie had a feeling things weren't right in her relationship when her boyfriend started to make her ask his permission to go places without him. Another clue she got was that he got to decide everything about what they did — from which movie they saw to when she could work at her job. Jessie was right. She and her ex did not see each other as equals. In a healthy relationship, no one is in charge of the other person. (Justin and Kevin both boss me around like they own me)

6. Can You Hear Me Now? - You'll need more than good reception on your celly for good communication in a relationship. Talking openly about your feelings with your partner and listening to each other without judgment is what good communication is about. If you have a hard time talking to your partner about your relationship or your feelings because you're worried about being judged or being yelled at, that's a sure sign your relationship is unhealthy. (I am scared to talk openly with him... because I ahve so many secrets)

If you're having doubts about your relationship or if one or more of these warning signs describe your relationship, talk to someone you trust about it. Sometimes having an outsider's perspective is helpful. Many couples work through their issues, but it takes hard work and commitment from both people. Some even go to couples counseling. And sometimes, as hard as it can be, it's best to throw in the towel and recognize your relationship might be more trouble than it's worth. (I know I should give up... but it just hurts so goddamn much!)

Clearing up a few things....

ME!: ok i gotta ask u something
ME!: r u spreading rumors about me
Amanda True: no...............who is this?
ME!: Tiffany
ME!: Penney
ME!: someone told me u sad i was stuck up
Amanda True: oh.....thought maybe.........................no.............i have been................why what is going around
ME!: said*
Amanda True: ?
Amanda True: who told you that/
ME!: i dont remember
Amanda True: i don't talk to asnyone about you...............i told my boyfriend but he lives in Caribou and knows no one down here
Amanda True: *anyone
ME!: oh
ME!: well someone told me u were going around telling people I changed and that i was stuck up now and I'm like "why"
Amanda True: you are still the same tiffany I use to hang out with...................i would never say that about you you were one of my best friends why would I have even done that.
ME!: i know... i was like... she was my best friend for 7th and 8th why would she go around saying shit about me
ME!: i was sad
Amanda True: my point........i wouldn't you know me better than that............it is not like i talk to many people at Cony anyway..............the only thing i have noticed that is different is that you tend to skip more often...........that doesn't mean you are stuck up
ME!: yeah... lol... i became a lozer is all
Amanda True: I didn't say that
Amanda True: i have to go though........................talk to you later.
ME!: ok
ME!: ttyl
ME!: byes
Amanda True: bye hun........sorry about the mix up

Grrrr.....

Kevin is such a lozer... he knows what I'm talking about.... when Kyle gets here... I'll be like "next time" Kevy. See how he likes it. And I won't be inviting my brother either cause he has a big mouth. And I don't care what Kevin says, Nick is stealing all my friends.... but ya know what... if my friends would rather hang out with my brother then with me then fuck them. I don't need them anyways.... they are not good enough friends for me to waste my time worring about.
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Kyle... I swear to god if you get up here and start ditching me to hang out with my brother and Kevin I will never ever forgive you. I don't think you would... but then again... with all I've done for Kevin I didn't think he would either. *tears* I fucking hate being replaced! I need another cigerette.
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while i was outside smoking my cigerette Kevin, Sean, and Doug came out positive... damn them... no share... now they've gone to the carnival.... they were all walking off and I was like "ah... no hugs" and I hugged Sean and then I was like "Doug?" and Kevin was like "I don't wanna hug you" and I was like "good cause I don't want to hug you either" and so he like comes up between me and Doug like he's gonna hug me and I like pushed him away and hugged Doug and he's like "ahhh she's molestering me" and I'm like "That's not what you said last night" and we both laughed and I'm like "yeah, remember that".... lol.... boys suck ass. Then I hear my cell ringing, which was inside near the computer so I ran in and answered it cause it was Jen and she's grounded so I was like, she's not even suppose to use the phone being grounded and all so I answered it and she needed her sisters phone number off my desk so I gave it to her and we hung up. Then I came back downstairs and here I am...

Whats Up?

Ok so... here's the deal... this is what's going on with my friends:

Kyle - hopefully packing or on his way here. It is the 7th.....

Jen - grounded for a week but back home so that's a good thing....

Kevin - playing basketball somewhere.... those pants make his butt look really good though, don't they?

Monica - Saw her at marching practice today. I wish I was graduating.

NaToni - on her way to Texas.....

everyone else... who knows.... oh and I got a 78 on my Foods Demo cause I forgot to unplug the electric mixer when I was getting the batter off from it.

Now the most important thing I need to write about. Date changes....
........... so I got home from school and went straight on Runescape and he was on too. I talked to Justin a bit about stupid stuff. Called his brother dumb and he agreed lol. Anyways, he had to go so I was like I'll call around 6ish blah blah blah. Anyways at 3:48 he called my cell and we talked for ten minets... well 9min 57 secs according to my cell. He tried to tell me that he lost the notebook and key I gave him that he's suppose to give back on his 21st birthday. I don't know how we got around to it but... oh... my mom said something about graduating and Justin is like "3rd try senior" lol and he was telling me about how he's gonna get his GED and go to college before I graduate and I said he'd never make it. I was like "I never said that. I always said you'd do great" I always have said he'd do great. He is so smart and if he just tried a little bit he would be so great. He can do anything he wants to with his life. He's like "That doesn't mean you won't have to take care of me for the rest of my life" and I'm like "I know"... then we got to talking about sex and stuff.... I told him, I'm like "Uh Justin, after I have sex with you, I have to have sex with Kevin" and he's like "We're not gonna have sex" and I'm like "Uh-huh in 4 years when you're 20" and he's like "maybe when I'm 21".... first he was like 80 but that's stupid so he said 21... jeesh.... that boy can never make up his mind. He's like "Why don't you just go have sex with Kevin" and I was like "Cause I don't wanna" and he's like "you just said you did" and I was like "yeah.... after I have sex with you" and then he said the 21 thing. I'm like "When your 21 I have to take you out drinkng and you have to give me back the notebook and key" and he tried to tell me he lost it. I like freaked out. If he lost that key.... I will be so mad!... then he told me he didn't lose either, that they were like in the bottom of one of his drawers. He better still have at least the key. The notebook isn't so important... it's just so that one day I can read it and see what was going on trough his mind and stuff. But that key.... anyways it's important... so yeah... at the end of our conversation he's like "You don't have a chasity belt do you, cause then I'd just throw away the key" and I'm like "No" because that's trully not what it is. If I want to have sex, then I can, I just... I want to make love to him and no one else. I don't know why... but I want it to be Justin... I mean... I love him... a lot... and I want to lose my virginity to him. I want to give him something he could never give away or lose or.... anything... I want him to have something of mine forever and if he takes my virginity then.... that could never change ya know.... I'm such a lozer.... I wanna cry.... well I'm gonna be done now because my eyes are getting wet and I wanna take a shower cause I'm all hot and sweaty... write more laterz.....

What I've been up to...

I didn't get up on time... Jen and Kevin did but I wouldn't get up. I slept till like 10:30ish and then I was still tired but I had to go to school to find out about my English final (whether I can make it up or not). When I got there I went to lunch and saw Jen. Then for B lunch I went to the library. C lunch I went back to the café and ate while standing up talking to James, JD, Alicia, and John-John. Kevin and Kiwi were mean to me at lunch. I know they were just kidding but I hate those kinds of jokes. The kind that make people feel bad about themselves. Anyways it was a joke about a personal thing or I would put it up here. After lunch I went and saw Ms Hardison but she told me to go see Ms Renko so I went to guidance and waited like half an hour (in a room with that Justin Dean kid who I wanna smack) just so Ms Renko could tell me to go see Ms Massey. So I go and wait in Massey’s office for like 20 mins and she tells me I need to get mom to write me a note or something. After that I went up to the library but all the computers were taken so I started walking down the freshman academy hallway and ran into Jen. She was upset… poor thing… we talked a little and she told me something Shane Preo said to her today in Math class that makes it so that he deserves an ass kicking, BAD! After she was done checking with her Math teacher we went to her study hall and told the teacher she’d be in the learning center. We went to the learning center and I was like “Where is your teacher” and she’s like “right there” and I was like “huh?” and he like looked at me and I was awe struck. Holy master of hotness! He is only 19 and he’s still in college and god is he gorgeous!!!!! Nick Hodge was in there too… working on his Resident Evil story some more and I talked to him while I was in there. After making a trip to the bathroom and back to Jen’s study hall we went back to the learning center for a few mins and I read Jen’s blog. Then we left. We went to the old building and out the side door and outside for a cigarette. Then we crossed the street and I talked to Beth Curtis and Tasha Bran before walking Jen to her bus. I went straight home and started up the computer but Nick needed his blogs printed out for court tomorrow so him, Sam, and me went to the library. I printed off all his blogs and when we all got kicked off the comps we went to the Y and got some food from the vending machines then walked to my sisters. She was asleep and my mom wasn’t there so me and Sam walked home. When I got home Matt was getting ready to leave for Laura’s so I asked him to drive me up to Wal-Mart to drop off my camera and he did. Then I sat in the truck at Laura’s for like 10 mins it seemed. I got home and went shopping with my mom at the dollar stores. First the family dollar where I stole myself this really cute white shirt…. Its adorable. I also got Justin a one-time use outdoor disposable Spongebob Squarepants camera. Then we went to the Dollar Tree and I got 4 key chains…. One for Justin “I have a drinking problem, two hands, one mouth” or something like that lol… then I got “World’s Best Friends Award” for Kyle and Jen. Then myself I got one that says “Erotic, Exotic and a little psychotic” …. Lol. I also got a rollo candy bar – not really a candy bar but… type thingy… When we got home Matt wanted Mom to take OJ to get his prescription so we went to FMI so he could get his prescription paper then to Rite Aid (Holly was working) to turn it in. Then we went home and Kevin and rose got home seconds later. I went over there and Kevin had a bunch of new clothes. He went in the bathroom and put on this new pair of jeans and … DAMN! His butt looked absolutely great in those pants… almost molestable lol… we went up to my room and got positive and I started giving him a back massage. I was angry with him for some reason so I was doing it really rough and he like it. He’s like “I should get you mad more often” and then he wanted me to scratch his back… and… he’s like “gonna draw blood in the first five seconds” and he liked that too. He was like “If this was happening while I was having sex and would be fucking the girl so hard” and I was like “ok then” and we both laughed. It was funny. Someday… someday…. Damn those pants looked hot on him. Anyways… yeah… so…. I feel asleep giving him the back massage…. He fell asleep too. I woke up and got a couple cigarettes off my mom. I went back upstairs and Lee shoed up for a couple mins. After she left I got back in bed with Kevin and lit my cigarette but my cell started ringing… OHMYGAWD it was Justin! He was on silver level so he was suppose to be in bed already when he called me. The first night I don’t call him and he calls me. *Sighs* I told him about Cathie going up to see him and he’s like “I don’t want to see that bitch” I also told him about me not being able to go and Justin was all like "Why" and I'm like "Because she thinks I'm a whore".... It’s her fault he's there in the first place! He doesn’t even want to deal with her so I don’t think it’s fair that his mom is gonna make him. I told him about his mom using Cathie for her money to get the kids back from Sarah and Justin understands all that but he still doesn’t want to see that ho! I also told him about Kevin spending all his money at the fair and how he’ll still pay him back and how OJ said he’d give him the money back and Justin was still pissed off. He’s like “it wasn’t OJ’s money to say Kevin could spend, it was my money.” See I knew he shouldn’t have spent his brothers money. Oh yeah… lol… Justin asked me if I was “positive”… yes… it’s spreading. He’s like “it’s the only word I can say” lol…. ahhhh…. Kyle doesn’t like the idea of it spreading but I think it would be cool if it was picked up by like a ton of people and in years to come made it’s way into songs and on TV or something. I love that kind of stuff. ME and KYLE started it! Anyways, Lee showed back up, along with her sister while I was still on the phone with Justin. Soon after Lee showed up Justin had to get off the phone so I talked to Lee for a while. When Lee left I tried my best to wake Kevin up. Eventually pulling out a cigarette made him move. He said he would “rape” me if I wanted him to. I think he was just horny lol…. I was like “how is it rape if I’m willing” and he’s like “you can pretend I’m forcing you” and I’m like “oh Kevy… no” moaning and stuff… it was hilarious… we both burst out laughing at that one. Before he left I gave him another back massage until I was too tired and then I laid down with my head on his chest. He didn’t say he loved me when he left though. I was like “Kevin, I love you” and he’s like “uh-huh”… that sure was sweet… NOT! Whatever…. I think I’m getting used to him acting like Justin all the time. I mean…. I don’t know… maybe somewhere I like the fact that he’s turning out like his brother… just…. I don’t know…. I’ll think about it more and get back to ya on it. Ummm… I guess that’s it for now… I love you Kyle!

Listening to Justin music....

First things first.... I woke up with a crisis to deal with. My poor baby best friend Jen is having problems again.... I ain't gonna spell it out for the world cause that's her personal shit but just know that, that's what I did today. Helped Jen deal. She's upstairs sleeping in my bed right now. She didn't get any sleep in like the past couple days and I feel really bad for her. I just hope she doesn't get sent back to Conneticut... that would suck so much ass!
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Anyways she woke me up by throwing rocks at my window around 10ish.... her and Kevy came up and we talked about some shit. Then we got positive and Kevy left to go somewhere with his mom. Me and Jen tried to talk some more but just ended up falling asleep. Sometime while I was still asleep Kevin showed back up cause when I woke he was laying on the bed with us. I got up and took a shower and stuff. Kiwi called and showed up a little later. Kiwi sat out but we all got positive again and then Kev, Jen, and Nick went to the carnival while me and Kiwi stayed at my house and talked about Justin and Will. They showed back up and we smoked the rest of what we had. Stupid stoners! Now there's none for later. But anyways... yeah...
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listen to this... it is so perfect how much it describes how I feel for Justin
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Please if it's possible listen to that song... it like explains my feelings to a "T"
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Anyways.... yeah... Kiwi left a little while later. Um.... I'm a stoner I don't remember. I know that I got in a fight with my mom about Jen sleeping over outside on Rose's poarch and me and her and Kevin took off to Nick Hamilton's house to see if she could stay there but he wasn't home so we started heading back to stewart ln cause she was gonna stay at Kevin's. We stopped at Cumby's and I bought Kevin lemonade and a zebra cake, me 2 brownies (yes I know ok!), and Jen a brownie. Matt drove up in his truck and told me to bring Jen back to my house and Kevin needed to get home. We got up on the lane and went to Kevin's house for a little talk. Kevin changed into his night clothes.... I admit he looked good... lol... *sighs* JUSTIN JUSTIN JUSTIN! I STILL LOVE JUSTIN!<--- pound that into my head.... see... all that's there with Kevin is sexual attraction.... which is so weird... brothers and all... anyways yeah... then me and Jen went up to my room and looked at pics with Gaby. We went back downstairs a little while later and my mom had talked to Jen's mom and now she's allowed to stay here tonight. We went next door and said goodnight to Kevin and then we came back to my house and Jen went upstairs to sleep and I got on the comp to type this. Now I'm gonna go take a shower or something.... plus I'm tired. So night all.
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Oh yeah.... get this... next Saturday when Kyle gets up here.... Cathi is taking Kevin, Kyle, and Rose to see Justin... it's not fair... I mean yes I know Kyle should definatly get to go.... and Kevin should too... and of course Rose.... she's Jsutin's mom... but why does Cathi get to see him. She kicked him out of her house which is why he's up there at all... It's her fault so why should she get the privalage of seeing him. I love him so much and I'm tearing up writing this. I already know I won't get to go. That woman is a ho. She thinks I'm sleeping with her grandson and I got pregnant at her house or something. Number one - god don't I wish that were ture... but since it's not I don't wanna get punished for it. And number two... it's not my fault I got sick. I wasn't used to eating so much on that stupid diet I was on... she fed me too much and stuff. Even Justin was getting fat living down there with her. I got sick... at night... and she thought it was morning sickness.... That weekend was great... yet horrible... oh god... I'm gonna go back in my blog and read about it.... cool... well... DAMNIT! She shouldn't get to go. It's not fair. I love him so much!
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But not as much as I love KYLE JAMES SANCHEZ!....only a few more days till he leaves for Maine and I can't wait. I love him.

So... I feel a lot better.....

I finally got out to Kevy the biggest reason why I was mad at him. He told me I had already told him like the day before when I was *positive* but I don't remember telling him that. It's kninda personal shit between us two and I hope he keeps it to himself to KEVIN! anyways.... I feel like all the guilt has been lifted off my shouldars now that he knows.... (*no Jen... not that) It's something just between us and like.... how we are... I don't know how to explain it but I feel way better.
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Do you hear that Kevin?... I feel better so maybe I'll stop being such a bitch all the time. Just don't forget what we talked about.... even though you were falling asleep... lol... I still feel better about it and myself... someday soon ok.... I'm like having withdrawls lol.... j/k... don't be a jerk anymore though ok? I love you.
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Justin... I got to see you today and even though you spent a lot of time with Kevin fishing... It was still great just to get to see your face. I miss it. I miss the way ur face moves when you talk and... wow... weird... right... I'm gonna stop now. I hope you love me for what I did for you today by the way.... only because of the rock babe... no other reason *wink wink*... don't get ur dumb ass caught ok... I love you...
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KYLE KYLE KYLE.... ur coming back! ur coming back!.... Justin gave Kevin $18 so we can go up the weekend after you get here... hurry up.... I hate leaving him there. He absolutly hates it.
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Kiwi... I love you, but I don't need a shrink. I need time alone to talk to Kevin sometimes...You may be one of my best friends... but he is too and I love 1-on-1 time. It's great. Thanx for trying, but I just wanted time for us alone with no distractions aka other people, so that for once he would listen to me and not try to make everything into a joke like he does when there's other people around. With guys you need one on one time to get them to be attentive. I love you though.
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Jenyfer..... I haven't seen you in like 3 days... someone said Jessi was in town visiting you so... I guess that's why you haven't been up lately... just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you and I love you.
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Monica, Cora, Alicia - stay *positive* I love you
NaToni - I'm gonna miss you girl. I love you
Michaela - My mom said no company thins weekend... maybe next. I love you.
Josh - R U still coming up with Kyle... comment me back k?.... luv ya.
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Anyone I forgot.... I'm very sorry and I love you too...

Well... that didn't work...

Why can he never see things from my point of view. What do I have to do to get him to just sit down and listen to me for god's sake!.... I JUST WANT TO MAKEUP WITH HIM ALREADY! But he tell me my feelings are unjustified.... I can't change how I feel... I mean... come on... I can't help it. IT's not fair... I think I'm gonna go up to my room, cuddle up with Jimmy and cry.

*positive* again and again

yeah... that's all I've done today since I got home from seeing Justin at Kids Peace.... god he looked gorgeous today.... but more on that later. Right now I got to go upstairs and hang out with Kiwi and Kevin.... and probably fight with Kevin cause that's all we seem to be doing lately... and trying not to let Kiwi replace me.... he says we're the same... how is that?..... Damn it.
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I miss.................................................Kevy.

totally fucked...

yeah... I really am.... I have the munchies so bad that I am cheating really bad.... Mac & Cheese and french fries.... I am so full though... so yesterday I didn't go to school. I missed my fucking English Final. I am so positive.... I went to the Carnival with Leesha around 5 something after getting positivie with Leesha... oh yeah I had her make a blog...
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Oh gawd.... I just looked up what the title of Jen's song means since it's in German and... oh my god. Malchik-gay in English mean "Gay Boy." I thought it sounded like "My chicky" and it means "Gay Boy"... she'll love that... NOT!
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As emotions had switched
As the seasons went by
I never thought
I could ever make you cry
As I had hurt you
Hurting you hurt me
I knew from then
We never could be
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Been alone for so long
You’d think I’d be use to the pain
But the pain gets even worse
When I think of your name
Because I now begin to think
That everybody’s the same
Taking me and dropping me
Showering me with shame
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I can tell you honestly
My feelings for you are strong
I don’t think these feelings would change
If so, not for long
My head’s in the clouds
Looking through skies that are blue
Hoping that we’ll find what we want from another
A love that’s true
As for right now
These daydreams will do
Until maybe some day
You'll fall for me how I fall for you
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You never thought on us once
You never gave us a try
I hope you made yourself happy
Knowing that you made me cry
You left my heart broken
You had just walked away
And you thought it would fix things
But it hurt more day after day
Now you two are over
We’re both in the same zone
You should have gave us a chance babe
Now we’re both alone
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Ya know what... I'm too tired for this... I'll write more tomarrow....
check out my new photo album tATu

Chat with Ben Brewer...

"Me!": ohmygod
"Ben Brewer": hello
"Me!": hi... um... when is ur birthday?
"Ben Brewer": july
"Ben Brewer": why
"Ben Brewer": who is thsi
"Me!": july 13th 1986?
"Ben Brewer": 87
"Ben Brewer": y
"Me!": oh
"Me!": but the 13th
"Ben Brewer": yes why
"Me!": i found u on Xanga and got ur screen name
"Me!": wow
"Me!": um.... i went to school with u at buker
"Ben Brewer": really
"Me!": like 7th grade maybe 8th
"Me!": yeah
"Ben Brewer": 7th
"Ben Brewer": who is this
"Me!": Tiffany Penney
"Ben Brewer": how are you
"Ben Brewer": i look a lot different now
"Me!": I'm ok
"Me!": really
"Ben Brewer": im like 6 2
"Ben Brewer": 185 pounds
"Me!": cool
"Ben Brewer": i got a lot nigger
"Me!": where did u move to?
"Ben Brewer": Bigger* lol
"Me!": lol
"Ben Brewer": gardiner
"Me!": oh
"Me!": do u know Brett Blake?
"Ben Brewer": maybe
"Ben Brewer": it souds familiar
"Me!": he lives there
"Me!": his gfs name is Christy
"Ben Brewer": christy?
"Me!": i dont know her last name though
"Me!": http://tiffy3787.tripod.com/friends/Justin_and_Brett.JPG
"Me!": Brett is the one in black
"Ben Brewer": nope dont know em
"Ben Brewer": lol
"Me!": darn
"Me!": lol
"Me!": so.... how come u never update ur xanga?
"Ben Brewer": forgot i had one
"Me!": oh
"Me!": well i think its crazy i found u... when i saw that i was like... no... its not the same person.... it's kinda weird
"Ben Brewer": lol
"Ben Brewer": its been a while
"Ben Brewer": 6 years
"Me!": yeah
"Me!": wow thats a long time
"Me!": i think i only remember u because i had a little bit of a crush to tell the truth
"Ben Brewer": wow thats hard to believe
"Ben Brewer": i was pretty geeky
"Ben Brewer": lol
"Me!": lol
"Me!": u were cute
"Ben Brewer": lol
"Me!": u were
"Me!": i have a picture of u from the newspaper still... u were in some group writing poems
"Ben Brewer": yeah
"Ben Brewer": the capital weekly
"Me!": yeah
"Me!": i still have that
"Ben Brewer": really
"Ben Brewer": i think ilost mine
"Ben Brewer": i didnt think it was a big deal so i didnt take care of it
"Me!": i think its cool... plus it's the only pic i have to remind me of you... u were like ... my friend and stuff and u just disapeered
"Me!": Bender13's Xanga Site
"Me!": thats ur site
"Ben Brewer": do you have one
"Me!": yeah
"Me!": i subscribed to urs and uve never updated
"Me!": Xanga Site
"Me!": i thought u were the same age as me... hmmm
"Ben Brewer": i just saw it
"Ben Brewer": nope
"Ben Brewer": im younger
"Me!": but we do have the same birthday
"Ben Brewer": wasnt it weird didnt like 5 of us have our b day on jul 13th
"Me!": yeah i know
"Ben Brewer": it was messed up
"Me!": liz and amy and me and u... 4
"Me!": Liz is like one of the top ten of my class
"Me!": i havent talk to either one of them since like middle school
"Ben Brewer" signed off at 4:18 P.M.

Melissa....

Ohmygawd.... guess who showed up at my door in the middle of me telling Kevin why I was mad at him... yes the truth Kyle... so he still doesn't know all of it but... yeah... anyways Me and Kevin were positive and he tricked me into telling him pretty much... anyways Melissa showed up! Yay! I haven't seen her since before Christmas. We got to talking about the past. Like I told her about how Justin is at kids peace and how Keith Tardiff is there with him. And then I told her about Aaron Tardiff getting out of jail recently and she like rolled her eyes. We started talking about Aaron like harrassing her with his sexuality way back when... it was so funny and it was so sad to remember... all the good times I had with her. I miss her. Anyways we made plans to hang out around my birthday. That'll be cool. She also wants me to sleep over sometime and that will be cool too. Oh yeah, she has her licence and her own car now too. It's so cool. Oh and looking at my pic of Brett she thought he looked familiar... they do both live in Gardnier so they might have met... wouldn't that be cool... it's like a big connected change if she has... I love the 6 degrees of seperation game... I'll play it later between Brett and Melissa... that'll be cool. I don't know if I'll post it or not.
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Um... I talked to Justin online and he said to call but when I called him he was "off campus." Stupid boy!
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Oh yeah... I cried today because Kiwi and Kevin called me ugly... well Kiwi called me ugly and Kevin kinda agreed with her subconciously then they high fived... damn them... I cried for a while too... I mean I know Kevin says they were just joking but it still hurt ya know?... They're suppose to be my best friends... I just feel like everyone is starting to hate me or something... I don't know... whatever... I'lll survive. Tomarrow... or well later today since it's past midnight... I have to be to school on time because I have to go to my English final and then my comp class... I'm gonna see if Ms Buxton will let me do makeup all day... cause I'd be willing... I need to pass that class... as is I'm only gonna get 2 1/2 credits and that's counting my comp class. I failed both my maths and my art class. I failed Wellness last quarter and didnt get my credit for helping in guidence cause I missed too much.... I really need to get that half a credit.... that'll make a total of 4 credits this year.... wow I suck! I;ll need 4 and a half next year... that bites! .... I'm gonna go see Ms Renko tomarrow about this I think.
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Well I guess that's all for now... wait to hear from me when I get to school...
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I LOVE YOU KYLE JAMES SANCHEZ
I Love You Justin David Tilkins
I love you Kevin Andrew Tilkins
I love you Jenyfer ____ Clark
I love you Keria Marie McKenny
and Lee... even though it weirds you out or something... I love you too.
(you forgot your yearbook by the way)
NaToni, Michaela, Monica, Josh, Nick, Jaylyn, Melissa, Larry, Russell, Alicia, Jami...
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gtg.....