Over Thanksgiving Vacation

Tuesday - Justin was drunk and pretended to care about me. Then he ditched me. I guess he didn't mean to and he said he was sorry so I forgave him. That night he was out past curfew and I knew Kelci was with him so I called her cell to tell him to get his punk ass home but of course that boy never listens to me. He showed up at my house at like 11:30 with Jamie, Kyle, Crystal, and Brett. His aunt Kim called my house since they don't have a phone and I went next door to give Rose the phone but no one answered. Justin decided to go over there to see what was up and he got into a big fight with his mom and he came back to my house saying his mom was calling the cops and he was gonna go to jail then be put in a foster home and all this other crap. And Brett goes "Dude I know people in Conneticutt. What about Rhode Island" and all this crap about them running away out of state. I got really sad and I was gonna cut but Kyle fallowed me and took away my knife. I went outside and smoked a cigarette with Kyle. Justin and Brett come out and Justin's all "I'll see you again...never" and I wanted to cry but obviously I couldn't cause of my tear ducts and all. Then to say goodbye he pats me on the shoulder and says "Bye Tiffy" That was like one of the most heartbreaking moments in my life. He didn't feel I deserved anymore than a pat on the shoulder and a weak ass goodbye. And just like the song I didn't say anything (not anything loud enough for him to hear at least)And I felt so bad about that later on during the night. When me and Kyle went back up to my room he layed down with Jamie and I sat up talking with Crystal for a few hours. I walked Kyle home while Crystal watched Jawbreaker and we sat on the stairs next to his house talking for a while then Pow-Pow showed up and we talked to him. Then Pow-Pow left and I hugged Kyle an dwent home. When I got back Crystal put in Carrie 2 and I fell asleep. Then Wensday I slept almost all day. At night sometime I went to Nick's and Justin, Brett, and Kyle were there and I "helped" Nick with his homework till like pretty late. The I went home, The boys spent the night at Nick's. Thursday was Thanksgiving and I slept from like midnight after having woken up at like 5pm.... to 1pm when Sam woke me up because my dad was there and he took me down to Grammys for like half an hour. I got home and went back to bed. I was depressed and sleeping a lot ok! I woke up at 6pm to Kyle on the phone. That got me outta bed. Then I had thanksgiving dinner with my family. Laura brought over the babies and everything. Then at like 8 something I went down to Nick and Spencer's for a while. Justin had Chicken for thanksgiving and I made fun of him a bit. He goes "The point is to be thankful your not hungry" which is true. At like 10 or so Mara said it was time to go so I walked the boys to Kyle's house so Justin could get a ride to Gardnier from Kyle's dad. We got there and I hugged Kyle and he walked off. The I hugged Justin and I said something to him I don't remember and he hugged me and he goes "Bye Tiffy, I love you" That made me happy for like a min but I started on my walk home and I was like "Damn I want a cigerette" which I only smoke when I'm depressed. So even though something happens that's sooooo goood I'm still sad. And it hurts to feel like this all the time. I hate it! Anyways Friday Cora and Leola slept over. We walked Jamie home at like 9:30 and Cora stole flowers from outside the bottle redemption place to give to Rose (Justin's Mommy) We went up there and Cora gave her the flowers then we sat down and watched Shrek 2 with Justin and his mom. Justin kept trying to put his hand down Cora's shirt and she kept hitting his leg and I'm like "He probably likes that" and then she slapped his face and I'm like "He probably likes that more" So she stopped hitting him. He took his arm out from around her neck anyways. Then the movie was over and it was like 11:30 so we went back to my house and went to bed. I was really tired. Heck I'm tired right now and I didn't go to school today 'cause I slept till noon. The next morning I woke up to Usher screaming his stupid confessions beside my head. Leola had turned up the radio really loud to wake me up. Cora told her to I guess. I don't remember anything else till later in the day. We were outside talking to Kyle and Justin and Leola's mom came and she went home. We hung out with them some more. Justin went to work, which is good cause I was mad at him because he got mad at me when I didn't want to clean his room earlier. Cora invited herself to spend another night so Cora and I hung out with Brett and Kyle. They kept using my phone to try to get girls to come see them. They called Crystal, and Jamie, and some Amanda girl. Whoever was female they thought they could get some from, lol. At 6 I got tired of it and went inside to watch Life As We Know It but Jamie showed up at like 6:30 so Cora and me went outside but I had to go right back in to do dishes anyway. When I was done I went outside and Cora had ditched me to go drinking with Bethie and Crystal. Brett broke up with Crystal. So anyways Me, Kyle, Jamie and Brett go into Justin's room because it was getting really cold and I gave in and cleaned his room. Really well too I must add! Jamie decided she wanted to date Brett. I'm her "Laywer" I guess. She told me and I had to tell him. So they started dating. Justin's mom went and got him from work and I was just about done cleaning. He comes in and he gives me this dirty look. Errr... stupid boy never appreciates nothing I do for him!!! Me, Kyle and Brett walked Jamie home at 10. When we got back Cora was there. She was clearly on something. She said she didn't drink more than a sip of smirnoff but she smoked and got a buzz. When I said she couldn't sleep over cause she was drinking she walked outside and started crying. She walked to my sad spot. I talked her back into the house and I went to talk to Matt and I told him she hadn't been drinking blah, blah, blah. When I got back she said she had a place to sleep (which was Justin's) but I said I talked it out with Matt so it was ok now. We left and went to my house and talked. Cora left at 3:15 the next day. Sunday night Kyle showed up at my house at 6 and we watched a Boy Meets World Marathon. Justin showed up at like 6:30 and watched Boy Meets World with us. Kyle left at 8 and Justin stayed till 9. At 9:10 I went to Justin's and we watched Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Then I did the dishes and Justin watched Cruel Intentions 2. His mom yelled at us that it was midnight and I went home. Monday I went to school only an hour late. I went to the Edge after school and then to Nick's house with Kelci. Brett told her I didn't like her. He got me in trouble with her. Then I walked her to the end of my street explaining myself. I went back to Nick's and yelled at Brett. Brett and I got into a really deep conversation too private to put on here. I went up to Justin's with the boys. We watched The Virgin Suicides which wasn't a good choice because of...well...a secret...but it wasn't a good choice for a movie and Justin got mad at me. Brett's the dumb one that kept asking questions! Anyways at 11 I walked Kyle home. He said something about a road trip when he's 16 to pick up me and Brett and Justin and stuff. Well that's all I guess

Justin is moving

Justin's family is actually packing. PACKING!!!! That means it's for real this time. I am so depressed! What will I do without him???

Kyle is moving too. I will be all alone. Who will I talk to? What am I gonna do???

Last night I tried to cry but I couldn't. my tear ducts have like dried up. But I didn't cut either so that's a good thing. I really did want to but Kyle said he wouldn't talk to me anymore.

I want to die! My life will be over anyways if he leaves. I admit it. I'm obssesed. I love him ok! I know he's Alicia's boyfriend but I can't help it. He is also one of my bestest friends and he's leaving me!

What do I do? What if I never see him ever again? How will we keep in touch? What if he doesn't even want to keep in touch? I want to cry my eyes out or cut off my hand, something, anything! Why can't he just stay here forever with me and Kyle. Everything is almost perfect but it all can change so quick. I hate my life all my friends leave on me. Why can't any of my friends stick around??? MY LIFE SUX!!!

KD & JD & BB & ASP & me alone!

BB is here and I am soooo high!!! KD I guess doesn't smoke out of a bowl or as JD says "the can." I'm jealous of all of his girlfriends. I can't remember to write, and the stuff I am remembering to write when I do is stuff I can't really put online.Stuff that he's testing me on to see if I tell anyone. I can't tell anyone I know much less, strangers. I'm sure he doesn't want strangers knowing all his business. But he got mad at me for telling a secret earlier this week even though it wasn't me who told. He said he never was gonna trust me again and he said "good-bye forever" this one time I went over this week. I thought he hated me and was never gonna talk to me again ever and I got so depressed I cut myself again. The first time I did it in a long time was last week when he started dating CP. So I cut myself, then he got mad at me so I made the first one deeper. Then he called me ugly and told me he was dating KD but gonna cheat on her with ASP and this was my test to see if I'm trustworthy. And I haven't told anyone. BB did tell KD what she saw but not me. Anyways I had a really nice and sharp knife but Kyle was over tonight and he took it so I wouldn't hurt myself anymore. Today I was walking KD and BB(Since they're both my friends) and he comes walking up the hill with ASP, who wasn't his gf at the time. Jeez doesn't he know he's gonna get caught and told on and he'll never get any girls. But I think he just wants to see which one will put out first before he chooses between them. I say KD sleeps with him first to keep him longer since she's young but so is ASP so I don't know.... BB thinks ASP will do it first. hmm.... w/e after they do whichever one does I won't talk to them after cause both of them know how much I love him. I just wish I could be the only girl he wanted and he would never even think of cheating on me or I'd fucking kill that fucker. In a prfect world I would be skinny, daing my bestfriend, and happy. Instead I'm fat, I have no boyfriend, and I'm suisidal. I hate this world it sux! I wish he loved me. That would be nice. I wish never fought and we could be happy together forever. I love him so much! So much and he just doesn't care. He doesn't care that he makes me want to hurt myself or that he knows (I think) I can't believe him. See he's my bestfriend but he was never tested on how he'd act around me when I'm depressed or anything because I was always happy around him. Just being near him makes me feel good. Or it used to. Now I feel like I'm gonna throw up becuse all I can think about is, he's mad at me/how do I make it better/ can I make it better? I love him and I just want him to love me. That will never happen and I'll be glad if he will even talk to me. Anyways I never got to test him on being a good best friend in a crisis and this is my first crisis really since he became my best friend. And it's because he's mad at me so I can't really go to him for help ya know. So I went to Kyle my secound bst friend. love Kyle but I wish the guy would give me back my knife. It was good and sharp. W/E I'll find a new one. Well I am getting tired now. My high must be wearing thin. Nigty-night.

Halloween Weekend

Well, Friday I didn't go to school. Justin was on the scanner for trespassing on school property cause him and Luke went up to Cony to pick up Jamie. Later at night Everyone (except me) played Truth or Dare. Oh what a mess that was lol. It's not really my place to be putting what happened up on the net but Jeez those kids are perv's! After Jamie and Crystal left Justin wanted to go to bed so Kyle and Luke came to my house and Kyle downloaded rap beats to my com and they did some freestylin'. They stayed till like 1:30. Then I went through my old diary to edit them for Justin to read. Saturday was the concert and the Mass party which neither one went as planned. Andy was an asshole and decided that I could only get one person into the concert for free not two and Justin wanted to bring Luke too so Justin didn't come at all because Andy is an asshole! I really hate that guy! ERRRRR!!!! While I was at the concert Justin was drinking beer and getting hickey's from Crystal Pooler. Oh by the way I'm in love with him again for anyone who didn't know. I'm gonna tell him too. I'm gonna have him read my diary where I admit it. But don't no one tell him. I want him to find out from my diary not from someone telling him since it's none of your business. Anyway Kyle came over around like midnight and we went to Justin's and Luke was sleeping over and we all talked for a while. Then Luke got tired and went to bed so just Justin, Kyle, Leola, and Me talked. They picked on me those jerks! Kyle saw a cars lights coming up the back hill and we figured it was Justin's mom so we booked it to my house until we saw her go inside then Leola and Me walked Kyle home. Kyle and I talked a lot and Leola felt left out. Sorry Lee! I went to sleep around 6am Sunday I barely saw Justin at all. I did for like five mins where he asked to barrow money. Oh and Kyle kissed me on the cheek. Leola thinks he likes me. I don't think so. Me and Kyle are like best friends. Although Justin is my best friend and I'm in love with him so... I still don't think Kyle likes me. I admit I liked Kyle for two weeks but I don't think he likes me. Me and Leola went to McDonalds and shopping. We ran into Megan and Steve and Doug on Green St. Ray and Natoni (seperatly) on Bond st. and Kiwi and Hippie on the way up the hill. Lee got picked up and I went with Kiwi and Hippie to Tim's mom's. Kiwi called her mom o see if she could stay at my house for the night and her mom said no and came and got her. I went home and talked to Larry on the com then took a shower and talked to Karrissa on the com. Then the kids got home and I started in on my blog and here I am. Wow! well school in 8 hours and I still gots homework to do. So goodnight all.