Get Over It! ~ I haven't seen that movie in so long...

Well....hmm.... I started a blog all to Justin and I started one all to Kyle... I usually say everything I want to say to Jen on this one so yeah. The Justin one will probably be just me apoligizing over and over again for every dumb thing I say and do that concerns him or hell (in one case) doesn't even concern him. The Kyle one is basically gonna be about how much I miss him when he leaves for Iowa. Like only speciffics and stuff to the boys... otherwise they can read this one too. I update this one every night.
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"everythings my fault... I went to Heavan but couldn't get in, for what I have done"
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Yeah, so... Kyle came over at like 11 or something and woke me up after I hadn't gone to bed till like 6am or something... I'm hungry...I'll be right back...yummmm, ham and cream cheese roll-ups... anyways where was I? Oh yeah Kyle came over and woke me up, need a cigerette.... ok I'm good... ahhh can I ever finish a thought tonight or what... N-E-Ways, at like 1 or so Jen showed up but my Mom and Matt had taken off to the store so she couldn't come inside. I used my cell and called to ask but Matt said "no" cause he's a jerk! Oh did I tell everyone that I got a cell phone? Well... I guess I didn't really... it's not quite mine yet but it will be on the 19th and I got free nights after 9pm and free weekends which is when I will be using it mostly. I only get like 500 mins which I will have to use for like emergencies. But I'll have long distance and be able to call Travis (who was suppose to come see me this weekend and never did. Stupid boy!)and Kevin and Larry and Ashley and Leola, and my daddy and hmmm who else do I know who's long distance that I actually will be calling..... not a certain boy who I told in his own blog that I was gonna stop talking to him....
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"got medication, a new addiction, fucking thanx a lot!"...
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So anyways, we all had to hang outside for like two hours till mom and Matt finally got home. While we were out there we called Kevin... I didn't talk to him for the first 40 mins... I was upset thinking about Justin and what happened last night so I beat up the snowbank while Jen and Kyle talked to him. Eventually I stole the phone back from those scavengers (lol, j/k) and talked to him myself for like 20 mins. What we talked about is besides the point.
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Never under estimate the power of a good pair of tweezers.
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Once Kevin had to get off the phone Matt got back and everyone came in the house. I called Justin. He kept saying how he doesn't like me and he doesn't want to talk to me and all that shit he always says that I ignore.
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I have a headache
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"I'm sick, of my sickness, don't touch me, you'll get this, I'm useless, lazy, perverted, and you hate me...everything's my fault"
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The phone died while I was on the phone with him. When we went outside for a cigerette later Rose told me that Justin wanted me to call and I was like "ha, I don't care, he's a jerk" hmmm...let's see...what else happened today?... We played on the computer a lot and Jen danced. She's a good dancer, she just doesn't have enough confidence about it. And she doesn't really time most of the moves right but she does the moves good. Hmm... well Jen had to leave at 6 and I was online reading other people's blogs... Kyle made a blog: http://www.KyleSanchez.blogspot.com So that's pretty cool. I ended up calling Justin again around 8:30. He said that Jen's grounded for like forever now because her mom found out she was talking to Justin. I guess Justin's grandmother called Jen's mom to try to fix whatever made Jen's mom not like Justin and it just got Jen in really big trouble and didn't help anything. Right after he told me that he demanded that I give the phone to Kyle and you know me I give that boy anything he asks... he talked to Kyle about the hott girl across the street from his grandmothers house who happens to be really hott acording to Justin so now I get to be jealous of a girl I've never even met but then again who am I not jealous of? I'm jealous of every girl that's ever crossed that boys path so what else is new? Why do I have such a jealous nature?
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Kyle ended up giving me back the phone so that he could yell at Alicia on AOL and I had to talk to Justin. He said he didn't like me and didn't want to talk to me cause he's not my friend and all this stuff and then he's like, did u see the picture of that girl blah, blah, blah... and I'm like Justin if your not my friendand you don't want to talk to me then stop talking to me, and he's all like, fine bitch I won't talk to you like maybe we're friends, and I'm like you just said we weren't and he's like "is Kyle done yet I'm getting ready to head out" and I go "where are you going?" and he's like "none of your buisness you're not my friend" or something like that so I tell Kyle and he gets the phone. They hang up and he goes across the street to the girl's house. He gets online and talks to Kyle. Then Justin's friend, the Amanda girl I guess is her name signs on and talks to Kyle from her screen name till his dad gets here and he has to leave. He kisses me good-bye (sweet friendship kiss people) and takes off. I talk to the girl for like a min and she says that Justin says I'm "pretty dumb and I'm like "yeah that's what he thinks cause he's mad at me".... that was pretty much it. Then I came here and started writing in my blog. So that's it I guess... I'm tired. I'm going to bed.
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Oh and Happy Birthday Mommy!

He's mad cause I said I love him

Jen kissed me yesterday it sucks that she's straight though. Too bad. It's OK though cause I knew that ahead of time. Plus she's my best friend, I don't need to be attracted to her, it's weird.
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In other news - I talked to Justin on the phone a little bit. He picked on me again and told me I "fucked it all up" again. It's not fair. Why can't he just forgive me? It wasn't that bad.
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OK that was what I had wrote earlier when Kyle and Jen were here. Now I um ... have something new to be depressed about. This convo:

good night, sleep tight, and all that good stuff, love you goodnight
shut up your so dumb, and don't fucking say that
I'm sorry, say what
peace
say what
the l word
I love you goodnight?
i don't want to hear that shit
oh get over it
u are the dumbest person i know I'm blocking you, happy
i love all my friends, no
and plus I'm not gonna talk to you, good job, peace
OK I'm sorry jeez
(Mine is in bold)
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Yeah and then he signed off. I can't believe he got so mad over a few little words. I say it to everyone. I just happen to actually mean it when I say it to him. I mean I really do love all my friends but I'm in love with him. But that's besides the point. The point is I was saying it, or in this case typing it, casually. Like "good-bye I love you" except goodnight. I say it to everyone. It wasn't supposed to be a big deal but he must have like some serious issues with me right now because he gets upset about anything I say. I mean I guess he has some sort of a right to get mad about the other thing, not that it's really any of his business what I do and with who, but this...it was seriously not supposed to be some big thing. Whatever, let him take it how he wants to take it. I'm starting to get sick of all his shit and him getting mad at me over every little thing. I mean I know he doesn't love me. He doesn't really even like me right now, why should I ever expect anything out of him like um ... friendship. Nope it's too hard for him I've realized. I'm probably gonna regret putting this out there for anyone to read but I'm really sick of him. Why do I try so hard to get nothing in return? Why do I put myself through this with him everyday? It doesn't make any sense now does it? But I can't help it.... I love that jerk and I can't get over him. I try and try and it never works out.

"Death to me and life for you, Something isn't right, And I need some space to, Clear my head to think about, My life, And I can't be alone"..."With or without you, We fight it out"..."I must confess, I'm falling apart" ~ Papa Roach - Decompression Period


That song doesn't really remind me of Justin. There's already too many songs that do. That song just reminds me of now. Like.... I don't know... I'd die for Justin ... and something isn't right about me... I need to think about myself instead but I don't want to be alone ... to think about my life with or without him in it ... we fight a lot ... and I am falling apart thinking about it. I don't know...it's just a symbol of the time and how I feel right now.
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"And I'll take you back if you'd have me" ..."Come on let me hold you touch you feel you, Always, Kiss you taste you all night, Always" ...."And I'll miss your laugh your smile, I'll admit I'm wrong if you'd tell me, I'm so sick of fights I hate them"..."So here I am I'm trying"
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That's the song I was just listening to. I want to touch him, feel him, kiss him always LOL. I do miss his laugh and his smile. I'd say I was wrong if he fought with me long enough but I'm so sick of fight. Also, I'm trying to make him forgive me. Don't you just love how musician's can put your own feelings into songs without even knowing you. Songs are so universal. I love music. So why did I fail American Pop Music in school? Oh yeah cause I skipped class a lot to go to extra lunches with my friends, that's right.
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Now I'm listening to Justin Mix 2. Smile Empty Soul's "All My Problems"... It's 4:35 am..... Now "Only One" by Yellowcard. Justin is my "only one" He really is too. He's the only one who gets me like he does...... made my mistakes let him down...ran my whole life in the ground, I can't get up when he's gone ... something's breaking up I feel like giving up.
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Wow my head feels like it weighs a million pounds I am so tired. 4:46am
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Michelle Branch - Good-bye To You. "I still get lost in your eyes and it seems that I can't live a day without you, closing my eyes and you chace my thoughts away..."


"Mama tells me I shouldn't bother, that I ought to stick to another man, a man that surely deserves me, but I think you do!... So I cry, and I pray, and I beg...Love me love me, say that you love me, fool me fool me, go on and fool me, love me love me, pretend that you love me, leave me leave me, just say that you need me, I can't care 'bout anything but you... I don't care if you really care as long as you don't go." The Cardigans ~ Lovefool.
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But seriously my Mom does tell me he doesn't deserve me (and so does everyone else I know) I cry over him and I pray for him and well I don't really beg, but I really wish he would love me. Pretend that he loves me, that would be nice, even if he's not sincere cause I really don't care about anything but him and I don't care if he really cares as long as he doesn't leave me. It's horrible thinking I may never see him or talk to him ever again.
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"I'm giving up on everything because you messed me up... I won't forget you were the one that was wrong I know I need to stand up and be strong....gotta get away, there's no point in thinking about yesterday, it's too late now, It won't ever be the same" ~ Avril
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"Lost in emotion, deep in your ocean of lies....Romeo, lay down your ego.....who you are is the way you speak of others....is this the way you treat your friends" ~ Lindsay Pagano
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Now the goddess of Justin songs: Sarina Paris "I'm fragile, all I do is cry ... and you didn't even want me, I'm lost and lonely, Can't live without you..You, every beat of my heart, every day of my life, every thought on my mind, every second you" -You "Contemplatin' every day,Wondering' if I'm wasting' all of my time, You know I'm dedicating' every thought on only you... And so I wait through the night, Cause tomorrow you might find, That you will need me again For some tender loving' care, So I wait hoping' you, Will discover you're in love, That you need me, As much as I need you, And so I wait all my life, Hoping' one day you will see, That love's a lock, You're the key, You will come and rescue me, So I wait hopin' you, Will discover you're in love, That you need me, As much as I need you, It gets frustration' time and again, But I am not complaining' cause in the end, If I just keep believing', No matter what, I'll be with you" ~ So I Wait "Cannot take anymore of you, Just about enough, You got me over the edge, Just about enough, You won't give me what I deserve,I’m no fool, Gotta get away from you, After all you put me through, Boy, I’m still in love with you, Oh, but you don't seem to care, you keep pushing my love down the stairs....I have given all to you, Gotta change my point of view, ‘Cause all I get in return, is a heart getting torn apart" ~ Just About Enough
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Well I'm gonna listen to my music on my own now.. It's 5:17 and I'm really tired. I'm probably be out in minuets ... goodnight

Kevin's note.....

Just got off the cell with Kevin he told me to update my notes to friends so here's the new update to him which will be posted on my website tomorrow when I get to the Edge:
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Kevin, it really sucks that you can't come up for the weekend because of your grandmothers foot surgery. I miss you and hope to see you in person soon. Try to talk them into letting you come up next weekend and maybe we can ... cough...cough ... where did I leave off? Oh right you should come up here. Help me talk Justin into forgiving me and letting me be one of his best friends again. I mean I really love him and would do anything for him and it hurts that he thinks differently of me now ya know. I was just kidding about that other thing by the way. I'm not doing anything else to get me in any more trouble. Anyway, remember I love you and I miss you and try to come visit real soon.
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So yeah, that's what I'm gonna put on the site. Funny isn't it? I think so. But I really do love him. As a friend at least. I wish there was more to it but there just isn't. And I bet he's happy about that LOL. But maybe if I had liked him a little then what happened might have not been such a big deal to Justin. I don't know....
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Now onto other things.... I didn't go to school today. I stayed up really late waiting for Justin to sign back on the computer (Which he never did) as I was waiting I obviously posted our IM convo on here. Which you can read if you scroll down. What it basically says, since people who read it earlier didn't get it, is that he says yes, Jen is his best friend for a girl; and who cares that I had to work so hard for that status and she got it overnight. Like overnight superstardom or something. We also talk about Alien Vs Predator and his junky computer throughout the conversation, which got people confused. I stayed up waiting till like 1:30am but then I was too tired so I put on an away message (which he probably never even read) that said "gone to bed ... then school ... then night school starts tomorrow ... be back around 6pm. ~ Justin I'm sorry I couldn't wait up any more... I'm really tired. I hope u took care of that virus. I got school in a few hours. goodnight and I love you," and went to bed. I woke up around 11:30 am, which means it was too late to go to school and I missed my first speech class (awww too bad, LOL) and my first Wellness 3 class (awww that's sad too, yeah right)! Whatever, those classes are gay! I watched a little bit of Dawson. It was the episode where they go to the No Doubt concert. Then I went downstairs to take a shower and ended up talking to the councilor lady about what I'm gonna do to finish school and what I'm gonna do for college and stuff so I didn't get in the shower till 1:30. Then Matt got back and I got a ride to night school at the Kennebec Learning Center to find out that my class has been switched to Wednesdays which yeah I like Wednesdays better. It fits my schedule better to be on Wednesdays but someone should have called or something. Anyway there was this really hott guy there who's name I didn't catch who didn't get the message that the class day was changed either and was stuck there too. Plus that guy who was in my night school class last semester who's name I don't really care to remember cause he's kinda weird. After the hott guy finally gave up waiting and took off I used the other guys cell to call Russell for a ride. I had to beg and plead but he eventually came and got me. I had him drop me off at the Edge. Alicia cut off more of her hair. Jen wasn't there. I was told she had walked up to my house so I called up there but she had already been there and gone. I went and made ham and cream cheese roll-ups yum. When Jen showed up she was mad at me. I'm like "I told you I had night school, you should have signed on and checked my away message" Anyway, then I went on the comp and played Runescape a bit. Justin showed up and Alicia jumps out of her seat and runs up to him and hugs him. Then Jamie goes over to him and hugs him too. Then he goes in the living room type area to find Jen. A couple minutes later he comes out, calls James sexy for some reason and hugs me half heartedly. Then he goes back out to the living room with Jen. He comes back in the computer area and says that he's leaving. He hugs Megan and waves at me and him, Jen, and Alicia go outside. I get sad and need a cigarette so after a couple minutes I figure he's prolly already gone so I go outside to smoke. He's hugging Jen and Alicia good-bye. I walk down past them to light my cigarette. He finishes hugging them and goes "where's my hug good-bye?" to me. I go "you didn't want one" I don't know what happened next, I can't remember but I know I ended up hugging him then he left. Jen, Alicia, and me went over to stand in the little doorway a little down from the Edge to smoke and not get caught. Jen finishes her cigarette first and leaves me and Alicia ALONE! She still likes Justin and she's sad that he left. She wishes Jessi never came back in town (hey, just like me) and I tell her about how I feel replaced by Jen. I say something about Jen being my best friend and she says something about Jamie not acting like her best friend since Jen Thiboeau came back. I tell her I would be her best friend but I like her too much. Like, like her too much and she goes "Oh sure, now you like me" and I go "well, I liked you before too" and she didn't really say anything to it, but at least she didn't get weirded out. Then we went inside and Jen read my blog. Then I played on the comp and worked on updating my website until it was time to go. I was gonna get a ride with Alicia's step Mom but Matt showed up and I made him give Jen a ride home even though I didn't go to school which he doesn't like doing but she would have gotten in big trouble if she was late which she prolly already was. Then I went home and tried to get Lee to three-way Kevin but she lost her long-distance. I fell asleep watching Jeopardy and Lee called on her dad's cell and woke me up to ask why I never got online. I said cause all I wanted was to three-way Kevin. Then Jen called a little later during the show. I know I was talking to her during final Jeopardy. She hung up with me saying she was going to bed. This was like at 8. I borrowed the cell phone and called Kevin at like 8:02. I complained to him about making it obvious LOL. He can't come up this weekend because Sarah had foot surgery today but hopefully he'll be able to come up next weekend. I miss him. When he had to go at like 8:30 or so, I called Justin and ya know what he was doing..... talking to Jen. She said she was going to bed... ooh I caught her! I caught her! LOL! I don't care but she did say she was going to bed. I guess she just wanted to talk to him more than she wanted to talk to me but then again who wouldn't? I would defiantly prefer talking to him rather than myself LOL. But yeah he said to call back in like ten minutes and I told him to sign online. I couldn''t call back till 9 when it was free so I waited till 9:01 and no one answered the phone and he never signed online so I didn't get to talk to him *sigh* too bad. At least I got to talk to Kevin for a little while. At 9:20 I got online and I've been writing this and checking up on some things ever since. But now it's 12:37am and I'm supposed to be in bed if I don't make it to school I can't have anyone in the house this weekend and that would suck ass! Goodnight all who read this. Specifically Jen and Kevin, the only people who do. I love you both!

Me and Justin's chat

Justin: hello
Justin: this computer cant handle runescape with this shit going on
Justin: you there?
Tiffy: oh
Tiffy: yeah
Tiffy: just my runescape had to minimize itself to get ur message
Tiffy: that sucks
Tiffy: that ur comp is being gay
Justin: ya i guess she is my best friend for a girl
Tiffy: she replaced me
Justin: your dumb
Justin: y?
Justin: you were both my best friends and now your not one of them
Justin: so that makes her
Tiffy: well.... cause... you never admited it.. at least not seriously to me
Tiffy: u wouldnt even admit it was possible to have a best friend thats a girl remember
Tiffy: i had to work so hard and u kinda just like through it at her
Justin: well i did admit it a couple of times
Justin: ...woop dee fucking doo
Justin: shut up
Tiffy: maybe like once but then u took it back
Tiffy: sorry
Tiffy: hey i just hit a guard for 1 and it dissapeared
Justin: i have to figure whats wrong with this computer
Tiffy: yeah
Tiffy: Justin...
Justin: what
Tiffy: do u think that eventually u might forgive me? Even just a little bit.I mean I could never throw away one of my bestfriendships just like that.
Justin: who sais you were one of my best friendships
Justin: well the movies ending .. it was pretty good
Tiffy: u did remember
Tiffy: jeez
Tiffy: thats cool
Justin: what did i remember?
Tiffy: huh?
Justin: you said you did remember
Justin: ....
Tiffy: oh
Justin: what did i remember
Tiffy: cause u said "who sais you were one of my best friendships"
Justin: ohh great they made it so there could be like an avp2
Justin: ....ok
Justin: i don't get it
Tiffy: isn't there already one
Justin: is there?
Tiffy: ur the one who said i was one of ur best friends
Justin: i havent heard about it
Tiffy: i think so
Justin: ...ok
Justin: you fucked that up didnt you
Tiffy: aahhhh i'm getting attacted by a zombie
Tiffy: yeah i did i guess
Tiffy: though dont get mad at me but i dont see why ur the one making such a big deal outta it. ***'s not mad at me and *****'s not mad at me for telling
Tiffy: why does it matter so much to you?
Tiffy: Justin?
Justin: hey a popup keeps coming up on the computer
Justin: it sais theres a virus
Justin: it sais it might be making popups come and slowing down the computer
Tiffy: ohh yikes
Justin: which is exactly whats happening
Tiffy: im sorry
Justin: well it sais its a parasite
Justin: im gonna see if they have nortan anti virus
Justin: bbl
Justin: ite
Tiffy: yep
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Yeah so that was it. He's never gonna forgive me. I ruined everything!

Replaceable...

It hurts when he denies me. It hurts when he says he'll never talk to me again. It hurts when he says he'll never love me. But I realized something. All that is nothing compared to how I'm feeling now. I feel.... replaceable. Do you know how that feels? To know that your ex-best friend has replaced you. It took me so long to become his best friend (or one of them) and now.... I think Jen has replaced me. I mean I know he likes her as more than a friend, and yeah that hurts a little. That he can like my best friend and not me when I love him so much. But they seem to be getting so close. And yeah I think it's cool. I mean Jen is my best friend and I want my friends to get along and stuff. I just feel like.... I don't know. This is worse. Jen replaced me. And she did it so quickly. I tried so hard and nothing I do is right. Nothing I say can make him forgive me for what I did. I'll never get him back. I just...wanna go cry. I really want to talk to Kyle but Kyle seems to have disappeared off the face of the earth. His sister Kari went into labor last night but he's been gone with Elena for the past 2 days since Monday night. It's not fair. He has so little time left and he's spending it away from me. I feel like he's already in Iowa. And with him in Iowa and Justin ... ignoring me and stuff. I don't know what to do. I have no one to talk to anymore. I can't talk to Jen about this. It's not her fault Justin likes her so much more than me and that they've become so close so fast but I just can't tell her I feel so forgotten and left out. I don't think she would understand. She would probably try to say something to make me feel better like... "I could never replace you Justin cares about you a lot" (when I know he doesn't) or "I have Kevin, what do I need Justin for, I love Kevin!" She would tell me that everything's not my fault and it'll all get better and stuff because that's what she does. And yeah sometimes I love it. She can be so fun to hang around with and to help forget but the minuet she's gone I'm all depressed and remembering again. Remembering that I did something he'll never forgive me for. Remembering how it used to be and will never be again. I fucked up so bad. And I really don't want to regret what I did. I mean it was fun and at the time it seemed like an OK idea ya know, but the consequences.... I should have known better. To the guy - I'm sorry I regret it but you know how much I love Justin and I wish I could take it all back and pretend it never had happened or have it not have happened. God I love him and I messed it all up! I'll write more later. I got to get offline so that Jen can call.

Running his mouth...

Yeah so today at The Edge I had to work. Justin was on Runescape and I told James to tell Justin I loved him. I guess Justin wrote he didn't like me then he went on to tell James, with Megan reading, that I give head to random guys all they have to do is ask and he called me a slut. He is such a jerk. Why is he running his mouth and spreading lies about me? It's not fair! I didn't do anything to him! Kyle says that he's jealous or something. Doesn't he know I feel bad enough already? Some best friend huh? I mean I don't go around calling him names and telling people all his buisness just because we're in a fight. I don't know.... I just really wish he could get over this. It's not a big deal. I didn't do anything wrong! I called the guy and he goes "How am I random?" lol. He's so funny. I've done that all of two times in my lifetime how does that make me such a slut. I was just having fun. But whatever.... God I hope my dad doesn't read this. Then there would be hell to pay! But anyways... yeah... Justin is being really mean to me and I signed on Runescape and I go "You said you wanted to still be friends just not best friends so stop ignoring me and I'd apprecatie you not telling people all my buisness" he goes "I didn't tell anyone shit!" and I go in my head, I read it as you were writing it retard you can't deny it. Whatever, if he can't be mature about this then maybe I don't want to be his friend. You would think you can tell your best friend something like that but obviously I can't trust him or tell him anything. Anyways... other than that... I didn't go to school today. Alicia was dancing down at the Edge again, damn that girl can dance! Megan and James are offical now. After work I walked home and Jen and Kevin called 3-way. Hopefully he'll get to come down this weekend. Um....after I got off the phone with them. I called the guy. Then I called Travis. He's suppose to come up this weekend too. Then Lee called and I went for a ride to Dunkin' donuts with her. While Aunti Angel was talking to some guy me and Lee got to talk about private stuff like Justin being a jerk and some of her personal stuff. She let me read her diary. She really is one of my best friends and I'm gonna add her to my website list tomarrow and take Justin off. Of course that's his choice not mine. I still love him more than anyone he just...he broke my trust and I have to be able to trust my bestfriends or their not my best friend anymore. I was already not one of his best friends anymore so I guess it's gonna be mutual now. Whatever, I still love him. That won't ever change I don't think no matter what he does to me or says to me I don't think that will change. EVER! Well that's it I guess. I'll write more about my retarded relationship with him tomarrow.....

I love you Kyle (wherever you are)

I love you Jen (Bestfriendforlife)

I love you Kevin (another one of the best)

Lee you too even though you get weirded out by it. But hey we're family!

You too Kiwi, I love you!


And Justin..... I will never stop loving you.... and I miss you.

Justin's says I'm not his best friend anymore...

I told Justin....I have the biggest mouth in the whole world.....I hate myself!!!! I want to die. Justin tells me now that I was his best friend now that I'm not anymore! He doesn't care about me at all. I love him so much...... I do I love him and now it's all over! Now he'll never be the same around me again ever! Ever! I fucked everything up. What is wrong with me? I can't believe I fucked it all up? I...I....I.... I still love him so fucking much and now he'll never love me ... Justin said that if I ever want to see him again I won't cut. I don't know.... It's not like I will get to see him anyway.... I love him so much and I fucked everything up. I hate my life! I hate myself! I hate everything! I hate me and my big mouth! I want to kill myself! Everything in my life is fucked up now. Justin says I'm not his best friend anymore. Kyle is moving and Kevin is gonna hate me and Justin..... I'm not his best friend anymore. I didn't know I ever was. Justin never wanted me and even if there was a chance for him to, it won't be there now. God I hate myself!

Lisbon Falls

Justin moved in with his grandmother Cathy in Lisbon Falls today. Kyle says that Lisbon Falls is even further away than Weeks Mills from Augusta so that sucks. I hope it's not long-distance but it probably is... Yeah he came over this afternoon. Jen, Kyle, and me were on the bed. I was asleep and Jen jumps up and yells "Justin" and I wake up. Kyle got up and I just sat up. Justin was all hugging Jen and giving props to Kyle and I'm like "Justin?" and he doesn't do or say anything he just keeps talking to Jen and Kyle and he's like "I gotta go Grammy doesn't know where I am." and I'm like "Justin!" and he's like "what" and I like give him this face.. and he goes "What do you want?" and I like make myself look all sad and he's like "I gotta go" Then I layed down frustrated and Jen goes "get over there and hug her!" So he climbed over me and hugged me. He says to me, "I only came over to see you. I didn't know everyone else was gonna be here." But then he had to leave so he took off out the door and down the stairs. Kyle and Jen fallowed him really quickly. I got out of bed and put on my hoodie then fallowed them. When I got out there Justin's mom was yelling at him and he was getting into his grandmothers vehicle. Jen asked for the number where he's gonna be and he gave her a pen to write it down. When she was done he goes "call me babe" to her. Then as they were driving out the yard he blowed kisses at her and I got a little jealous but I know it's not her fault that he likes her. .... Lisbon Falls....great that's just where I need him to go.... He's gonna be even farther away and I'm gonna have even less chances to see him. And he was suppose to stay the night here tonight but again he didn't want to. What is wrong with him? What is wrong with me? It's not like we'd end up doing anything. I've slept over his house before and nothing happened. I like him a lot sure but it's not like I'd rape the kid in his sleep or something so I don't see why he doesn't want to stay over. I mean he's been here till all hours of the morning before. He's even been here while I've been sleeping and he's been on my computer. I don't see what the difference is. He could at least stay to hang out with all of us. It's not like it would be only me and him for 24 hours or something. My house always has a million people here. I don't know... I just wish I had a chance to talk to him for more than 5 secounds without everyone and their brother listening. *sigh* I mean he is one of my best friends and I miss him like crazy!

24 hours..

It's been 24 hours since I last talked to him and that was on Runescape. God I miss him! The last thing I heard about him was when James was talking to him on Runescape at the Edge earlier I told James to type that I think he's gay (LOL) and Justin wrote back that he didn't like me. He had to go to drug court today. I can't believe he didn't stop by the Edge. It sucks. He was in town and everything and he didn't stop even for a minuet to see his two best friends. I would go way out of my way to see him for even two minuets and he couldn't do that for me or for Kyle. I asked my Mom if he could maybe stay a night this weekend. We'd have to stay indoors of course but it would still be nice to hang out with him again. I know that I miss him and that Jen misses him and that Kyle misses him and I'm sure a bunch of other people miss him too.
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What do I miss?.... Well, I miss talking to him. I miss fighting with him. I miss ignoring him. I miss flirting with him. I miss listening to music with him. I miss watching Life As We Know It with him. I miss his dancing. I miss his singing. I miss him asking for things. I miss smoking with him. I miss the smell of him and the overwhelming feeling of desire I get every time he's around. (Wait, that's kinda sick) I miss joking with him. I miss his voice. I miss watching the way he walks. I miss watching him twirl his hair. I miss him teasing me (yep I miss it even though I usually don't like it when it's happening in the first place) I miss being able to take care of him. I miss him asking me to do stuff for him (I shouldn't, I know, but I do miss it) I miss him being concerned for me. I miss being honest with him. I hate lying to him. I miss my CD that he has with him out in Weeks Mills. (LOL) I miss him taking over my computer to play Runescape without even asking. I just miss everything. Even things I didn't like. Even things I tried to get him to stop doing! I miss now that it's gone. Now that he's gone. I miss him so much! I love him!
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Kevin,
If you read this ... when do you think you'll be able to come back to Augusta again? Probably not for a long time because of the whole running away thing this time huh? Well, my Mom and Matt said you could stay here, so that's cool. Try to talk them into letting you come back soon. Jen and me already miss you!
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Jen,
I don't know how I expect you to read this being grounded and all. But you're my best friend and if I ever do anything to hurt you I'm really, really sorry ahead of time. Your my best friend and if it's ever me that makes you think about hurting yourself please just talk to someone instead. It prolly won't be me if your mad at me but talk to someone OK. I've been through this too and it's not healthy. I promised Justin. You should promise me, or maybe Kevin (boys are so much better motivations) But yeah, please don't hurt yourself over me because it'll make me feel really bad. Best friends get into fights so it'll prolly happen to us too but we will always be able to deal and get over it, hopefully. I love you!
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Kyle,
Only a little while left. I'm gonna miss you so God damn much. I love you so much! Your the only one who knows my deepest darkest secrets. Jen knows most but it's different with you. I tell you every little thing that ever goes through my head. I don't hold back anything from you and I love that I can have you to talk to like that. You had better write to me from Iowa. If I don't hear from you for the entire 5 months your down there (and it better be only 5 months, you better come back like you plan to) I will be really disappointed. But I know that you care a lot about me too so you won't do that to me. And I'm gonna get another job so I can spend all my money on buying phone cards so I can call you. I'm gonna miss you so much. It's gonna be excruciating to not be around you on a regular basis. How Justin can stand being away from his best friend is beyond me.... I don't know. Just don't forget about me OK. I love you so much. Remember me always and I will remember you always I know that. I don't think I will ever be able to replace you. I've gone through a whole hell of a lot of best friends and I just don't think I'll be able to replace you like I have replaced all my best friends in the past. Olivia in first grade; Lisa in 2ed - 6th; Amanda in 7th, Jaylyn in 9, 10, & 11, Larry in 10, 11, Melissa in 6 - 8th, Russell 7 - 10th, Justin (even though he's still one of my best friends he's not the one), and now you. You are my best friend of all time. I don't know how they expect me to go on without you but I have to keep going so that I can be here when you get back. You really better come back. You know what would be better than you coming back in 5 months, never leaving in the first place! But I know that you love your family, and your not really old enough to move out and live on your own so you have to go I guess. I just wish you didn't have to.
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Justin,
Um.... forget this.... you know how I feel about you. I miss you kid! You gotta come visit ok! We miss you and love you. Kyle only has a little while left in Augusta, don't you wanna hang out with him again before he leaves for the next 5 months I mean come on, he's your best friend. Stay at my place this weekend and hang out with everyone.
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Leola,
See you even get a mention in my blog lol. Have fun hanging out with my sister this weekend I guess.... not gonna be funner than last weekend. That was great huh Just kidding, hanging out with me and Jen I mean, that was fun right? *wink wink*
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Kiwi,
Oh shit I just remembered I was suppose to go to your house this weekend. Can I raincheck that. I promise really soon that I'll stay at your house for girls night it's just Justin might sleep over and Jen gets the weekend off groundation, and oh shit I have detention Saturday too. This sucks. But yeah Kyle only has a little while left and I want to hang out with him as much as I can while I still can. I love that sexy little Mexican lol. Soon, Kiwi, really soon, I promise. Your still one of my best friends too.
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Aaahhh I took a break from writing this to check Runescape and he wasn't on but I started fishing and cooking and then what do ya know, who signs in but Warriorspike aka Justin David Tilkins! So yeah from like 2:30-4:30am we talked and played Runescape together. And I asked him to stay here this weekend and he goes "We'll see" which is exacally what my mom said when I asked her if he could lol! Ahhh I'm happy now. Yay! *sighs*.......I love that boy!

Long distance....?

I talked to Justin on Runescape. I don't know what it is. I mean I know 100% that I did love him with all my heart. But how can I do something make out with his brother if I still love him? How can I make out with his best friend and still love him? Maybe I don't love him... I'm so confused and I'm kinda scared to not be in love with him. He was my everything for so long. Now what will he be? I don't even get to see him anymore barely. I saw him today for a little while. I also found out that the place where he's staying out in Weeks Mills is not long distance from here but he might go to stay with his grandmother in Lisbon Falls and I don't know if that's long distance or not. I hope not, even though I guess it doesn't matter, he doesn't like to talk to me on the phone anyways. He also might run away with Nick if Nick ends up leaving state. I don't know what's gonna happen but it feels like my whole family is falling apart. My family being Justin, Kevin, and Kyle. Everything is getting so screwed up and I'm sinking in deep again. This sucks so bad!
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I kinda just want it all to end....
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I want everything to all melt away and it could with just a few little cuts on my wrist. At least for a little while the pain and thoughts would go away. Oh gosh now I'm crying.... I promised Justin I wouldn't but if he leaves and runs off with Nick and Spencer than that will be a promise I can't keep. I'll have no one left for boy bestfriends. Just a month ago everything was perfect. Christmas vacation was perfect. I just wish I could turn back time and make everything that has happened since then not happen. I would have gone to school the day Justin got into that big fight with OJ then maybe Justin would have been at my house playing Runescape all night instead of at his house drinking and fighting. I never would have made out with Kevin or Kyle but especially Kevin cause he's Justin's brother and Jen's boyfriend. I am such a horrible friend! I hate myself!

I make everything about me...

Ok so guess what I find out today (I didn't go to school by the way) Nick's mom, Mara is going in for open heart surgery tomarrow and there's only a 65% chance she'll survive. If she dies Nick and Spencer are taking off to either New York or Florida or something. There goes another one of my friends. Kyle says he has about two weeks left now. Kari is gonna have the baby tomarrow if it isn't here on it's own tonight they're gonna induce her. They can't travel with a newborn till it's 2 weeks old so Kyle has two weeks from tomarrow I guess. And of course Justin is way out in Weeks Mills and Kevin is in Casco. At the beginning of this school year I had to basically start over with all brand-new best friends because Jaylyn was moving and Leola moved and Larry moved last year... and it just sucks that's all. My friends never stick around and I'm always lonely and depressed. Anyways I have a really bad headache and I need to check Runescape to see if Justin is on yet. Maybe I'll write some more later about how all my friends are abandoning me. I don't know. Maybe tomarrow. Until then.....byes.

Guess what!

Well, … hmm. Guess what happened Monday that I thought would never happen again... I was woken up by Justin's adorable face. God I love him! I really missed him and I was like ohmygawd. Am I dreaming or is Justin really here? I know he said he'd try to come but I didn't really believe him too much ya know. So when I woke up and Justin was right in my face I freaked. I never thought he would wake me up again since he moved out to his grandparents house ya know. I was so happy. Oh yeah I made out with Kevin and Kyle and I feel really bad about the Kevin one cause well he's dating my best friend. Even though they have an open relationship I still feel really bad about it. Kevin decided not to go back to Casco with Sara and he ran away but today he was at the Edge and Sara came and got him. That sucked! Poor Kevin. But I do believe that he needs to be down there. He was doing good down there. He was in school and has his permit and everything. He just ... we all thought he wouldn't be let back down here to visit cause that's what his Mom said. We were all worried. But it'll be OK. I guess Matt told Sara that if Rose doesn't want Kevin he can stay here to visit if he wants. When I told Justin that he's like "He can, but not me" and I was like uh hello you were supposed to sleep over the other night but went to your grandfathers instead so Kyle slept over. I don't know. I really need more sleep. God I have a midterm in a little over an hour.

Justin feels worthless and rejected. I feel worthless and rejected. We're both so perfect for each other. I talked to him on Runescape finally. He's mad at us, his friends, he says we betrayed him. If you must know, ask in person. But yeah. He wanted me to give him one reason not to kill himself and the only reason I could give him was because there is someone out there who truly loves him and would do anything for him and he goes who you? Or something like that. And I know I'm not a good enough reason for Justin but hopefully he won't it'll hurt me so much if he kills himself I myself wont be able to go on. I will kill myself too. I love him, but I'm dumb and do stupid stuff so he doesn't want me and he wont ever want me I'm not good enough. No Matter how much I love him it's not good enough. What is so wrong with me? What??? It's not fair.
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Anyways I'm really close to Jen now. Sorry Kiwi but me and Jen have been hanging out together a lot and we got really close last night when she slept over. I told her the biggest secret I had ever kept up to that point in my life and she told me a big secret too. Last night was a spilling of secrets bad... Anyways yeah so Jen's my best girl/friend now. I love her. And I'm sorry if I ever do anything that could ever hurt you in the past, present, or future. I'm really sorry, I love you. I hope you don't get in trouble, we didn't even go out at midnight did we?
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Justin,
I really love you and I know that I'm not enough for you but I am your friend please don't do anything you'd regret. Please don't make me read about you on the front page of the KJ again for showing up dead somewhere. I love you, and I worry about you, and I know you don't like it but I really am gonna stop cutting. Last night was the last time. Hey I stopped making myself throw up for Jen. If you seriously don't want me to I will stop. This isn't an ultimatum but I wish in return you would come back to Augusta, I miss you so much and not being able to talk to you is killing me like crazy. I love you boy. I wish you loved me but you don't and I'm dealing not to well but I am dealing so try to help me out of this and I will do anything you want me to. I mean it. I will do anything for you to be happy. So if I have to stop cutting I will. I can do it for you. But I seriously thought you didn't care that's what you told me. Well that's it. Gotta publish this and go to bed. I love you again. Remember even if you don't love me, that someone out there loves you for who you are and wants to be around you and talk to you and be there for you if you'd just let them. Don't forget that someone loves you. It doesn't matter that it's only me just remember that there's someone who feels for you and be happy. And I'm gonna try to stop complaining to you all the time since we don't have much time to talk nowadays and your annoyed with it. I miss you, I really hope u come back today......
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Luv Ya Lots,
***Tiffy ~ Jean***

help...

Lots of people were here yesterday but I still felt like something was wrong, something was missing, someone was missing. It was the first time, in a long time that me and Justin haven't see each other in the last 24 hours. It's almost 48 hours now. And yesterda I talked to him on Runescape but he hasn't been on today so I'm feeling sad.
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I really miss him, and I really love him no matter what I might do that might make it seem like I don't love him, I really do. Justin I love you no matter what!

Justin's gone....But Kevin's here!

Ok so I'm happy that Kyle gets to sleep over and Kevin is in town for the weekend but not so happy cause well... Justin isn't here. Mom said he could stay here for the night but I guess he didn't want to so guess what Kyle is sleeping over. So that's cool. But I do miss Justin. He's mad at me, cause well...read the entry before this one and the one befor that one and you'll get it. I wasn't there for him. No one woke me up. And then I tried to talk to Justin about it but he wouldn't talk to me and I asked him why he didn't try to wake me up last night and he said "You were mad at me" so yeah now he went to his Grandfathers/Seans for the night and he might stay even longer. I asked him if he decides to stay longer will he call me and let me know and he's like "no" which really upset me too. It's not fair the way he treats me and he makes me feel bad about sticking up for myself. How does he do this to me? Why does he like making me feel like this? I care about him so much so it's not fair that he doesn't care about me at all. It really isn't! Jen says he cares about me a lot and he's just to insecure to let me know. But he only cares about me as a friend and nothing more. I guess he told her so or something and I really want to trust her but she said it when I was upset so she might have just been trying to make me feel better. I don't know. Earlier today my mom was trying to convince me tha Kevin was cuter than Justin and I was all like "Mom, I'm gonna forget you even said that" lol. I love Justin, I don't care if he's the uglyest guy in the world I still love him. I'm just..now I'm scared of him when he's drinking. He is one crazy fucking white boy! Kyle says two (lol) But yeah so I'm scared of him but I still love him. What the hell is wrong with me? So yeah I really miss Justin. I hope he comes back soon. I mean his brother is here and Kyle only has a little time left here with all his friends including Justin so you would think he would want to be here but he didn't want to be so close to his stepdad or something. Whatever, I just wish he was here. I can't think of anything else appropriate so I don't know.....
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Kiwi never reads this....some best friend she is huh?
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Jen does read it though....she's a good best friend.... I love her!

Last night

Last night there was a big crisis at Justin’s. Everyone got drunk and fought. Justin and Kyle came to my house in the middle of the night for help I guess, but no one woke me up. Can you imagine how that feels, knowing that your two best friends didn’t want your help in a crisis? I can’t believe they didn’t wake me up over something as big as this. I feel so worthless again, and the last time something like this happened Justin yelled at me because I’m “never there for him.” I would have woken up from a dead sleep last night to help him but no one asked me to. No one cared and now I feel really bad. It’s not fair. Not only that, but Justin might go back to jail again. Like what if I get home and he’s in jail? Or, Matt said his mom might just decide to send him away. If I get home and he’s gone, I will never forgive myself for going to school. Kyle’s there for him, and he’s just sleeping, but I don’t know.... If he’s not there when I get home after school I will be so upset with myself. The sad thing is though, last night me and Justin got into a big fight too. I fought with him about him not caring about me and only caring about my computer. He comes over and sits down at my computer and plays Runescape the whole time he’s suppose to be “visiting” me. The only time he’s at my house and stays away from my computer is when Jen’s there and then he’s not talking to me either, he’s flirting with her (not that it’s her fault). So yeah, I was being pretty mean to him. Saying he’s a bad friend and that he doesn’t care about me and shit. But even if that’s true, even if he is a bad friend, even if he doesn’t care about me, I figured he knew I cared about him. I figured that he knew I love him and he could come to me with his problems but I guess I really ain’t one of his best friends because if I was he would have wanted me there at least for support ya know, but he didn’t. I’m really sad that he didn’t think I would try to help him in any way possible because I would have. I would have done everything in my power to save his scrawny little butt, but no one woke me up to tell me he needed saving. Do you understand what I’m saying? Do you get it? Like...I don’t know... I feel really bad that he didn’t think he could count on me for help when he needed it. I really love him and I would do anything for him, all he has to do is ask. And when he asks me to do his dishes or clean his room or some crap I might say no, but for something serious, I can’t believe he doesn’t think I would be there for him. I just... everyone keeps telling me to stick up for myself and not let him take advantage of me so last night I did that. I stuck up for myself and didn’t let him take advantage of me and then he goes through a crisis and doesn’t come to me because of it and I feel really bad. That’s why I never stick up for myself. That’s why I let him use me the way he does because I love him and want to be there for him and... I don’t know. I guess I’m just a pushover but I love him and I’m really sad. Nice time for Kevin to come for a visit huh?

We're fighting....like always

So me and Justin are fighting again. This time it's my choice. I'm fighting with him because he doesn't care about me. Every time he comes over all he does is play on my computer. And when I didn't have the Internet he was all the time trying to get me to do stuff for him or give him stuff so I tried to stick up for myself this once and what happens he gets mad at me. Whatever, why do I need enemies when I have friends like him. Of course I didn't want to get mad at Kyle but ya know he was there and he was acting just like Justin picking on me so I got mad at him too. and I like don't have much time left with Kyle so I don't want to be mad at him. I don't know what's going on in my head. I do know that a lot of people are expecting to be able to hang at my house this weekend so I have to go to school tomorrow but fuck it if I don't make it. Maybe they'll leave me alone for one day. The only friend I have around here who I'm not really upset with is Jen. I love her. She's the best. Oh and Leola but she's not around here. Or Kevin but he's not around either. OK so I'm only mad at Justin really and Kyle kinda just got in the line of fire so I was mean to him. He didn't really do anything wrong. I love Kyle. OK so Kyle was just here. I guess at least he's not mad at me. I should apologize. OK I just said I was sorry and he said he wasn't even mad at me he was just playing it up like he was to get me upset LOL. So now I'm only mad at Justin. Because really he barely has ever hung out with me without using me for something and I'm sick of it. I don't need him that bad. Everyone says "stick up for yourself" and "don't let him push you around" so I tried and now we're not friends then so be it. Of course I'm probably gonna regret having ever wrote this because I still love him and I always will but I guess I'll have to get over it. And if he reads this then fine Justin read this I don't care. Do you like using me, Mr. bigshot? Think your all big and bad ... well I don't care how big you think you are, or how tough or bad you think you are. I love you for the person inside under all that asshole shit I know there's something there. But I don't want to be taken advantage of anymore and that's all I ever get from you. So if we can't be friends without me giving you stuff then so be it. See ya in the next life. Damn!

I love you Jen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love you Kiwi!

I love you Leola!

I love you Kevin!

I love you Kyle!

I love you Alicia!

I love you Jamie!

I love you Nick! (who's not my brother)

I love you Melissa!

um.... who else..... nope guess that's it.... byes

Phone calls.....

Ok so anyone want to hear what I'm complaining about tonight? Well I cut myself again. Sorry to anyone who asked me to stop. It just really hurt...bad! Ok so Justin was in my room and he called Jessi on the cell phone. That hurt a little. Then she told him she would call him back in a few mins. and she called back the wrong phone. MY PHONE! and that hurt a lot! My house, my room, my phone even.. The one girl in the entire world that I'm actually scared of. I'm scared she'll take him away. Well I guess that's what I get for not being perfect enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, nothing is do is even right and I'm never enough for him. So yeah I took off so I didn't have to listen to him flirting with her on, again, MY PHONE! It's not fair. He knew. He must have known it would hurt me for him to do that. He must have and he did it anyway. I really do like Jessi. She's a cool person but I'm scared of her power over him. She has power over him like he has power over me. I don't know... I just wanted everyone who told me not to, to know and try to understand how much it hurt more in my head than on my wrist. My wrist will hurt now but if the pain in my wrist can make me forget about Jessi and Justin for even a secound it's worth it. Hey Kyle I was really crying again so I guess that problem's fixed now. I've been crying pretty steadily lately now with actual tears and everything.
And I was in such a good mood today for once. The whole half day of school which gave Jen time to hang out at my place was cool but the one class I missed getting out early was the only class I wanted to go to that day (Accounting) because I hadn't been to that class in like forever. God I'm still bleeding for pete's sake. And now I'm smoking my very last cigerette because I gave alot out to peoples but hey they share with me when they have them and I don't so I don't like saying no ya know? God I'm stressed out of my mind!!!! I hope tomarrow is a snow day or well today now but I hope it's a snow day but it doesn't look like it will be because it's not even snowing or anything right now.(12:23am)I just want to sleep all day long and cry a little to myself. But I know I won't be able to because Justin and Kyle will show up to visit with my computer and stuff. Yeah I said my computer all they ever do is play Runescape on my computer when they're over here. Kyle sometimes talks to me but if there's any other girl around he's trying to get in her pants instead of talking to me by saying "2 weeks". Yeah Kyle we get it, we'll never see you again, that's for making it harder on me. I already cry myself to sleep why do you have to keep reminding me that the world as I know it is about to end. Because it will when he moves. My life will be crappy and I'll have no one to talk to about it. Jen is like my best friend and there's a bunch of stuff I can't even tell her cause Justin would get mad at me. Hell there's even stuff I keep from Kiwi and Jaylyn and everyone because Justin would get mad. Leola, my cousin, is really the only girl I can talk to without Justin getting mad and that's only because she lives in Booth Bay Harbor or I couldn't talk to her either. It's not fair but whatever. Justin has his secrets and I really shouldn't have to talk to other people about them but I can talk to Kyle about everything because if I don't tell Kyle something then I know Justin will anyway. Whatever, I'm really gonna miss him. I can't believe he's really leaving me. It's not fair! I can also talk to Kevin all I want but Kevin lives all the way in Casco. Gawddamnit! Why do all my friends have to move away on me! Errrrr....
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Oh so yeah I got to talk to Kevin on the phone today. He might not be able to come up this weekend. Which means he probably won't get to see Kyle before he leaves for Iowa. That really sucks! I would be so mad if it was me. I would be throwing such a hissy fit it's not even funny. It might be immature but ya know what I don't care I would be flipping out on my grandparents if I were him.
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I talk to Lee too. We three-wayed Kevin. But yeah Lee is coming up this weekend cause Kyle is leaving and she likes him a lot so I wanted her to have a chance to see him before he leaves for Iowa.
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I don't really know what else to write.. Oh yeah today Justin said I wasn't his best friend. I never way and I never will be so yeah.. that hurt a lot too. Today was just an all around bad day between me and Justin. I love him so much and he makes me feel miserable about it. He thinks I... I don't know what he thinks...but it's not right. I love him and I want to be his best friend since he won't have me as anything else. Now what do I have. Nothing! He goes "I don't even like you" so yeah now I'm gonna cry again thinking about this. He's one of my best friends and I'm not one of his. He used to say I was and he even told Jen that I was but he didn't want me to know because I would get to excited but now he denies I was ever his best friend. Pretty soon he'll say we're not even regular friends anymore. I swear the only thing holding my and Justin's friendship together is Kyle and when I lose Kyle I'll lose Justin too so yeah... I'll be friendsless.
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And Jen don't get offended but sometimes I feel like the only reason your my friend is because you like the boys I hang out with. I hope I'm wrong because I really trust you ( which it's hard for me to truelly trust people) and your one of my best friends but sometimes I don't know.. I don't feel like I'm yours...
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Well Justin is not waking me up in the morning becuase he hates me so I got to be getting to sleep now. Hope somebody actually reads this....


Kyle I love you

Jen I love You!

Kevin I love you!

Kiwi I love you!

Justin.......what do I say? I'm not sure.....

so...............

OK so today was OK or maybe I should say yesterday because it's 1:23 am right now but yeah. Yesterday was pretty good aside from the fact that Jen is grounded for 3 days for being a pyro LOL. So I didn't get to see one of my bestest friends today. Some things that suck though are Kyle's family moved into the Econo Lounge I think it's called s that means they'll be outta here pretty soon and Kyle wont be coming to school so I wont get to see him and he definitely wont be at the bus stop waiting for me in the morning. I will have no one to talk to at the bus stop. I don't talk to the girls anymore. Our lives are so different I have nothing to talk to them about. I don't know what I'm gonna do... I'm getting really depressed and suicidal again... I hope I can pull out of it again like I did before. I mean I was really depressed bad before but then well, Alicia and Justin broke up and we started playing out the joke that we were dating and that was fun and I was hanging out with Justin and Kyle every night and Kevin was around for Vacation that cheered me up and I got the CD burner that I wanted and I don't know I was OK then but now....school is back pounding in my head "5 more months and your fucking it up!" "Get outta bed and go to school you fucking lozer!" keeps running through my head. I'm fucking it up so bad. I really am. I haven't been to my even day classes since before vacation and I know I'm gonna fail all my half year classes for absences. My American Pop Music class, gawd that class is so easy and I'm gonna fail it. That's really gay. I think I'm gonna fail Math and Wellness. I have no clue what's gonna be on the math final, NONE! My English class book "1984" has a lot of big words and complicated sentencing. I mean I'm a good reader I fucking read just for the hell of it all the time and this book is giving me trouble. It's just like what the fuck is the point? I don't get it? My Art class is dumb. We have to do a project every quater of our own choosing and pick an artist that their work is somewhat like ours and write a paper on the artist then give a big speech at the end of the quarter on it right. Well, I never wrote the stupid paper and I only did one piece of artwork when I was supposed to do two but didn't cause I didn't have enough time because I stayed home too much so I fucked that up. Not to mention we were all supposed to do these stupid heritage banner thingy's and I took mine home for Thanksgiving Vacation and lost it somewhere between my house and Nick's. I thought I had left it at Nick's but they never found it so I don't know what happened to it. If Justin hadn't been such an asshole that night I never would have lost it. But I can't blame it on him. I was the one who got upset and forgot about the stupid banner. Whatever, so I'm gonna fail Art. Who the hell fails ART?!!? Stupid people fail art!!!! Stupid people like me who are forgetful and lazy and depressed all the time. The only thing that ever brings me out of my depression is the little bit of the time where Kyle sits down and really listens to me while I talk. I love that about him. That he'll actually listen to me. Justin I could be talking to for hours and he wouldn't retain a word I've said but Kyle remembers stuff I say to him. Fuck, Justin read my whole very very obsessive diary about him. The one where I list out all his good qualities and everything and talks about how I cut myself over him and how depressed he makes me feel and shit and he can't remember any of it. All he remembers is that he forgot it was him who I was talking about and at the beginning he thought this "Justin" kid was cool but became an asshole near the end. And I was like yeah that's about right. But the thing is he never remembers anything **coughpotheadcough** and Kyle does. That's why Kyle is my bestest overall best friend and I would jump in front of a train for him or I don't know anything. I would do anything for that kid (nothing sexual Kyle don't get any bright ideas). But I love him so much and I will have no one I can talk to like I can talk to him ever again. There are certain things that I can't even tell Jen and Kiwi, I mean I want to but I can't. Well, I guess there is one person I can talk to and that's my cousin Leola. I mean I tell her everything too but it's different. She's family and stuff ya know. But even she lives all the way in Booth Bay Harbor ya know. I don't know. Now what was I talking about oh yeah school.... lets see period 1: English- book's 2 hard, period 2: guidance help - no credit didn't go enough, period 3: Wellness - 2 many absents, period 4: Math- haven't been to class in...forever and have no clue what's going on in that class oh yeah and i hate our new slutty teacher, Period 5: Art -fail, period 6: APM - fail, period 7 - Study, period 8: Accounting - now this class I actually like too bad I don't know what's going on because I haven't been in class in forever! So yeah that's school looks good huh? Nope I didn't think so either. And the saddest part is I'm 18 years old. I don't want to be in high school at 19 fucking years old. I'm gonna have to take night school classes and summer school classes. Not to mention I still owe the school $210 for this last summer's school I went to. eeerrrrr! and my job is crappy I make no money whatsoever and I tried to get another job but I can't get hired anywhere. I don't know what's wrong. I know I don't want to work around any type of food cause of my diet and I can't work at most retail stores in town because I used to be a big time shoplifter and I don't want them knowing my name and shit in case someone remembers me from a surveillance tape or something. My Mom says I'm paranoid but so what if I am, they can charge you up to three years later for shoplifting and that scares me. Hell I just stole a bunch of batteries yesterday so yeah I'm scared. But I like the rush and I like free stuff too. Ok so some other bad shit happening, one of my very bestest friends mom is getting really sick and that's making her sad. I feel so bad for her. It's Kiwi for anyone who doesn't get it. Her mom is getting sick again and I can't do anything to help her out with this. Not to mention a certain couple asshole guys are making her life a living hell. I really hate guys. Boys are just not worth all the energy us girls put into them. All they do is take our hearts and stomp on them and spit on them and well you get the point. If Kyle wasn't male I think I would give up on the whole species. But Kyle is proof that there are a few good ones out there somewhere. There just aren't enough Kyle's to go around and it's not fair. Oh one good thing Jen 3-wayed me and Kevin and I got to talk to Kevin. He said I have to update my site LOL. He keeps going to the wrong one. I have a new one now. Also, he's coming up next weekend so that should be fun. I missed him already.I think I'm gonna have Leola come up too just because it's gonna be Kyle's last weekend her I think and she really likes him. *New Years* made her so happy! Well, it's getting pretty late and Justin will be here to wake me up in a few hours so I better get some sleep tonight.
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KYLE I LOVE YOU!
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JUSTIN I LOVE YOU!
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KIWI I LOVE YOU!
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KEVIN I LOVE YOU!
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JEN I LOVE YOU!
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Goodnight!

Well...So

Ok I'm gonna be complaining some more so.... #1 Kyle is still moving. What am I gonna do. I won't be able to deal with Justin being such an asshole if Kyle's not around to pick me up and put me back together after I fall apart and I'll have no one. He's my best friend and I need him. Why do all my best friends keep getting taken away? It's not fair! My life is so royally screwed up and I know Kyle doesn't want to leave us he just can't help it. He's not old enough to move out or anything. Plus, I know that kid, he loves his family and doesn't really want to leave them. But it sucks. I finally get really close to someone to the point where that person almost knows more about me than I do myself and he gets taken away from me. He's the only one around here keeping me sane. I tried with Justin. I really did. I really wanted him to be one of the people I can talk to about everything and he is, to an extent. I just there's stuff I'll never be able to tell Justin that I can actually tell Kyle. I don't know... I just... wish I could crawl into bed tonight and have my whole life start over from the beginning. I would make it so that when my dad kidnapped me at 6 I wouldn't let him fatten me up and get me used to fattening foods. Did u know that before my dad kidnapped me I was skinny? My mom did a good job taking care of me. But I was a spoiled little brat and after my mom got me back and we went grocery shopping I'd always beg for canned food and chocolate until my mom gave in. Then when I was really little I remember stealing candy bars like 6 at a time and eating them off in little corners of K-mart. I don't know. All that combined with my very slow metabolism.... now I'm fucking huge. I am losing weight yes but I still have a long way to go. And even when I get to my ideal weight he still won't love me. He told me he wouldn't. He said he already found the girl he loves and wants to spend the rest of his life with "and guess what it's not you" That's what he said. Oh great now I'm crying. Why couldn't I have been perfect? Why couldn't he love me just for who I am? I go "Justin tell me what's wrong with me other than my weight and I'll fix it" I told him I would even go as far as plastic surgery to get him and I know I can't make him love me but it did nothing. There is nothing I can say and nothing I can do that will change his mind ever. He loves Jessi and he doesn't love me. I just I want ever little bit of him. I want him to be the guy I go to when I need someone to just hold me while I cry but he will never do that for me. He can't. He doesn't love me and he doesn't care. He said there's nothing else wrong with me. He can't name one thing wrong with me besides my weight problem. I'm a cool friend to him and that's all I'll ever be.
SO WHY CAN'T I JUST GET OVER HIM ALREADY what the hell is wrong with me? There has to be something!! I'm nice and funny and cool to hang out with. I give him everything barely expecting anything back (what can I say I don't want to be a slave, I like getting rewards). I can't make up a way to change myself to be better and he can't give me one. Oh gawd you guys I love Justin so much and I'll never have him and I love Kyle so much and he's being taken away from me.... what the hell is there to live for huh? Give me a reason. There are none. I...I....no one will ever love me like I love them especially if I can't get over Justin long enough to ever love anyone else. I've loved him for 2 years in March. 2 YEARS That is a long fucking time to be in love with somebody and not have that somebody love you back. What the hell am I gonna do? I'm actually trying to lose the weight now for once in my life but for what? Why am I doing it? He won't love me any more or want me any more so what is the point. No Offence Jen but I wish Jessie would just go away and not contact him anymore so then maybe I could have some chance in hell. But that isn't gonna happen is it? She's gonna keep showing up and showing up and soon she'll move back and they'll be a couple and I'll have to watch them being all over each other and I won't be able to cry to Kyle about it cause he'll be in Iowa. Kyle's really moving.. ohgawd I am really bawling now. Reality has set in and everything sucks! I just wanna give up on everything because what is the point? Really...like what is the point of any of it? My fucking wrist hurts but I guess that's what I get. It feels better for a couple of mins and then it all just hits harder that I'm a fat "Loser" who's friends all leave her and boys never love her and I'll always be the best friend but never the girlfriend no matter what I do. Not with Justin. Not with anyone. No one is gonna love some freak who cuts herself up over some boy who doesn't even love her. Never did and never will. Who will want me if I can't get over him. Justin says I put all this pain on myself. Like I have some little switch in the back of my head that I can just flick and all my feelings for him will be gone in an instant. Tell me something Justin do you think you could get rid of all your feeling for Jessi in an instant? It's not that easy. I love everything about him. The way he moves, the way he eats, the way he over-thinks every little thing (classic Virgo trait), the way his voice sounds,the way he picks up cute little things from movies and makes them his own, how he can make me laugh, he makes me smile when I'm upset, the way he twirls his hair into little knots when he's bored or thinking because he just can't help it, it's his "nervous habit" he says. I love his eyes and how they get big and glazed when he's high and crinkle up when he laughs, but his laugh is goofy and I love that too. I like his arms. I say I don't but the thought of him holding me in his arms someday... I don't know.. it's just like an ultimate fantasy. Just for him to hold me in his arms and I would be in Heaven. I like his taste in movies and music. He's introduced me to all kinds of brand new music I would never have listened to before. I love that he's so practical and can think so far into the future even though he makes some pretty stupid on the spot choices *wink wink*, I think it's weird but I like the way that when he gets all mad he turns bright red. I get scared of him yes but I feel protected around him too if that makes any sense. I love that he would stand up for his friends against anyone, he acts like he's not afraid of anything and that's a huge turn-on. He's really honest and trustworthy. I kinda like the way he makes me wait on him like a maid. It's kinda cute, which is weird but I like to be able take care of him and his wants and needs ( of course certain needs he won't let me take care of LOL) He's extremely smart and gets all quiet and trance-like when he's concentrating. I love all his flaws I used to find annoying, I now know that they make him who he is and I love him for it. I love it how he can only sing when he's not trying and only to certain songs. Some songs he sounds really bad singing along to them but other times when he's just sitting there and he's not thinking about it. He can sound really good like especially the song "All Star" by Smash Mouth. He sings that really well. Poor guy everyone tells him he sings bad when really his problem is he thinks to much about it and it gets him nervous and he screws up. I love the way his eyes get big when he's concerned about me and he asks what's wrong with me and I love it that he gets frustrated really easily but he still keeps trying to make me understand his stupid Runescape stuff. I don't know I just love everything about him. The only bad things about him are he's very critical (classic Virgo trait again) so he makes fun of me and calls me names. Which yes, I do get upset but I get over it. I love him to much to hold a grudge. I don't like it that he hits on all of my friends. Even the ones he says straight-out to me that he doesn't like them, he still hits on them. It's so bad that I don't let my friends spend the night because of it. Because I know that if I have a friend stay the night not only will I not be able to talk to him all night cause he'll be so busy trying to get in her pants but I also won't get to talk to her all night because she'll like it. All my friends like him. Why wouldn't they? They don't see and know everything I know about him but they can still see that under that hard ulterior shell is a great guy. I can see it. Why shouldn't I expect others to see it too. I don't like the way he talks really bad about his ex's and any girls that have ever done anything with him. That he's egotistical, self-centered, and conceited. He makes me feel worthless and suicidal. And the thing I don't like about him the most is when he tells me nothing will ever happen between us, ever! That just breaks me down and hurts so much. And when he threatens me by saying if I do this, or I don't do that he'll never talk to me again that really hurts because all I want is to talk to him and be around him because "When you like somebody proximity is a good thing, regardless of how they feel about you? Or don't. As the case maybe. ~ Pacey about Joey on Dawson's Creek. You get it? It just helps to be around him and talk to him and stuff anyways I got to go to bed... I just.... I'm in love with him and he doesn't love me and it sucks so I'm gonna go get in bed and cuddle up with Jimmy and cry myself to sleep.... See ya'll tomorrow I guess or whenever.... Jen girl you better have read this... I love you. Your one of my very bestest friends. Your one of the only reasons I'm sticking around too.......................
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I LOVE YOU KYLE JAMES SANCHEZ!****YOUR MY VERY BEST FRIEND IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD!

Ok so new blog entry I guess I'm sorta in a good mood. Sorta. It kinda sucks though. Me being happy causes my friends to be sad. I wish they could be happy more than myself. I mean I hate being depressed but I hate it worse when my friends are depressed. I don't know what's going on with me. Jen made me promise to keep a secret on our friendship and then I found out that Kyle somehow knows. He said that she told Justin. Whatever as long as I didn't break my promise to her I'm all good. She is one of my bestest friends now. I trust her a lot and she's really cool to talk to. What will I do this summer when Justin and Kevin are in Tennesse or wherever and Kyle is in Iowa and Jen is in Conneticut? Who will I have to talk to? All I'll have left is Kiwi. And sure I love Kiwi right to death, but she doesn't know as much about me as Kyle and Justin do. No one ever will. Kyle knows stuff about me I've never told anyone. I love that kid so much he is just the coolest, sweetest, funniest, (sexiest), boy I've ever met! And he's so cool to just hang around with and he's moving in 2 and a half weeks. Then what will I do? I'm gonna miss him so goddamn much! Why is my life so complicated? All my friends move away on me. I love a boy who doesn't love me back. My family is made up of a bunch of lozers. Why? Why me? Why can't I just get to be happy? You know what my perfect life would be? Me and Justin would be together. We'd have an apartment with Kyle and Kevin as our roomates. Jen and Leola and Jaylyn and Larry and Ashley and Mellissa and Kiwi and Nick and everyone would all live in our neighborhood. I would be skinny! I would see Travis more often. Donny would still be around. I look back now at last year and I think wow that was perfect but at the time I thought my life sucked. Jaylyn and Larry were my best friends and I went to school with Travis. Of course I didn't know Jen or Nick but I would have met them eventually anyways right? Donny was going to breakdancing every Thursday. I had fun last year. School wasn't too great but then again it never is. And I wasn't as close to Kyle and Justin and Kevin as I am now but that was only cause Justin hated me (he knows why) I miss last year. It wasn't so bad looking back now. Leola still lived in Augusta and everything. I may have said I didn't want her this weekend it's just I wanted to be alone this weekend ya know. I don't know. I usually can't stand being all alone but for some reason I wanted this weekend to myself. I have a lot of studying to do to catch up in Acctounting and stuff. Plus I thought Jessi was coming so I would need alone time to cut and stuff. She doesn't let me do that (hypocrite) I don't know???? I just wanted to be alone for once. What is wrong with me. God I wish I had said she could stay. Now I feel bad and I'm lonely because Kyle went home at like 9 something and Justin left a little while ago at like 11 something. I don't know. You know what I just thought of? Kevin! Kevin won't get to see Kyle again before he leaves for Iowa. I hope he can get Sarah to let him come up sometime before Kyle leaves. They were best friends and stuff. Oh god why? Why do I have to love someone who doesn't love me back hmm??? Whatever my life sucks and soon I'll have no one left to share my misery with..... someone please help me!
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AND WHERE THE HELL IS JUSTIN? HE SAID HE WOULD COME OVER AFTER HE GOT OFF THE PHONE WITH JESSI AND ITS 2:30 IN THE MORNING, HE CAN'T STILL BE TALKING TO HER CAN HE?

It's really not fair. What does she have that I don't have? The body sure I know that but he says it's not that. Why then do I feel like that's all she has over me. Justin and me are best friends. We're so comfortable with each other (most of the time) and we have fun together. We trust each other. He told me himself that if I were skinny I would be the one turning him down but I know I wouldn't. He thinks I would be snobby and too pretty to want anything to do with him. But I know I would have seen him for who he was and still love him. I don't know what it is but I think I would love him no matter what I looked like. He is my nexy door neighbor so I surely would have at least met him. It might have taken me longer to realize I love him because I would have other boyfriends but Jessie's beautiful and skinny and she fell for him. Why does he think I wouldn't if I was skinny? (I'm already beautiful I know, yeah right I wish) I don't know... all I know is this is how I am and I'm trying to change it to be perfect for him but it takes time. I have a lot to lose. I've already lost 20 lbs but I still have quite a way to go. I just hope that I get something out of it. I know I'm suppose to do it for myself but everybody knows I'm doing it for him. Sure I would like to be skinny. I would like to go to a store and buy a teeny-tiny little mini shirt and look sexy in it but I really don't care that much about my body. If He loved me this way I wouldn't be on no diet I would sexersize off the weight LOL just kidding but seriously I wouldn't be on a diet without him for my motivation. I want him so bad I'll do anything for him. Today my mom was reading a magazine and there was an article about some girl who helped her boyfriend cover up that he killed his dad and I was like I would help Justin cover up a murder if he wanted me to. Hell, if he asked I would help him murder the person. Now I know that's a little sick but I mean it I would do anything for that boy, even go to jail I love him so much. Everyone tries to tell me I don't really love him because he doesn't love me back but I seriously think I do. I don't know how I can prove it or explain it but I do love him. And It's not like one little thing that makes me love him. I love everything about him. Even the fact that he can be a royal asshole to me and he makes me feel worthless and shit all the time yet I still love him more and more. Yes I get angry at him but I always forgive him because...I don't know. Justin says I'm just lonely so I attached onto him and say I love him but it's not like I've only felt this way for a little while. I've been in love with him for two years in March. TWO YEARS! That's a long time. I have been in love before yes I admit it. I was in love with Russell for a year and Jonathan for a year too but Justin has been the one in my heart for 2 years. He's the one I have all the great memories with. He's the one I can still talk to about anything (exsept him of course). He's the one I have fun with. He's my best friend! (other than Kyle of course) I trust him more than almost anyone in the world and I really do want to be with him forever. I think that's love. I don't know. I guess that's it I might have school today depending on how bad the snow is by the time I wake up.......
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I really do love him you guys....
who reads this anyways....
do I even have any friends....
at all....
prove to me I have friends and leave a message...
please....
I'll love you forever.......

Jessi's Back

Jessi got mad at Justin because he kissed Jen but she’s forgiven him now. I’m pretty sure they’re gonna get back together. He loves her I guess. They love each other and they’re gonna be together forever and it’s gonna kill me. She’s not like all the other girls he’s been dating. She’s absolutely perfect! She has the perfect little body and everything. Plus she’s really pretty. I’m not her and I never will be so he will never love me. He’s all I want in life. Everything would just fall into place if I had him. I’m sure of it. I feel for him the way he feels for her the only difference is she feels the same way back about him. I really do want him to be happy and I know he won’t be happy with me. The only way he’ll be happy is by being with her and I can’t do anything about that. I love him so much. Last night after I read his webpage about how much he hates life and loves Jessi so much and she’s the only girl he’s ever loved blah, blah, blah, I actually started bawling. My eyes filled with real tears and everything. I was crying so hard. Right now even my eyes are tearing up thinking about his website message. Anyways I got him out of bed at 3am for nothing. I went over there and I just wanted to cry to him but I couldn’t tell him what was wrong. It’s him. He is what is wrong with me. He causes everything I feel, live, die, it’s all him. He is everything to me. I don’t really care about any of my friends other than Kyle. No offence to whoever is reading this if anyone but really no one else is really of any importance when it comes to Justin. I love him with everything I have. I try to give that boy everything. I do anything he asks. I try so hard and nothing I ever do will make him love me like I love him. Want me like I want him. I just want him to take me in his arms and hold me while I cry. Laugh with me when I laugh. Kiss me when….well you know. Without him I’m a big ball of nothing. He is what I think about all day when I should be thinking about school work or my sick grandmother or my other friends come to talk to me. The whole time I’m listening to them but really thinking about Justin and what he’s doing and how he feels because that’s what I care about. I care about him and nothing else. How did I let myself become so wrapped up in one very stupid boy? I really want him to be happy but it just hurts so much. Knowing that soon he’ll be touching her and kissing her and telling her all the things I wish he would say to me but won’t and can’t because he doesn’t feel that way about me. Why did she even have to come back around? Why? He thought he was over her. What if she breaks his heart again and he actually goes off the deep end and kills himself. I’ll be the one dieing inside. Not her. I can’t stand the thought of them together in the same bed again and everything. My arm looks like it’s been through a meat grater. I just want it all to end. All the pain in my life, what is there to live for if he doesn’t want me? How do I ever expect to find someone when I can never truly love someone until I get over him and I can’t make myself get over him? I’m too weak. I need to love him. It’s my thing. It’s all I have going on in my life. I just want him to love me but I know that’s too much for me to expect because I can’t get anyone to love me. No one ever will, will they? I should just give up. What’s the saying “No one can love you, till you love yourself” that’s Justin’s reason why I can’t possibly love him, because he doesn’t love himself. Well, that’s why no one will ever be able to love me, because I don’t love myself. I HATE MYSELF AND JUST WANT TO DIE! There really is nothing to live for without him in my life. I have so much fun with him. He can make me laugh so hard and he can make me cry so long. He is who I worry about on a daily basis. I don’t mind worrying about him. I want to be there for him through anything. I love him. What will I do? I’ll end up hurting myself really bad if they get back together. Right now my wrist is on fire and hurts really bad there are 23 different cuts on my wrist. I hate myself! Why can’t I just die and get it over with. There’s nothing that can take away this pain. Not even the best drugs and alcohol will make me forget that he doesn’t love me. All the cutting won’t make me forget. Nothing will. What is wrong with me? Oh yeah, I’m in love with an asshole who doesn’t love me back and never will. I just want to be able to move on. I can’t help it that I love him so much. He says I do this to myself. Like I just chose to feel this way about him. Like he had nothing to do with it. Like if he wasn’t so funny and cute, and easy to talk to, and smart, and just an all around cool guy I wouldn’t be in love with him. Well ya know what he is all those things. He can make me feel so great with just a few words. He makes me feel so good about myself sometimes and I need that in my life but no I can’t have it. I’m not good enough. Do I not deserve to be happy? Is that it? Was I born to be another lonely pathetic suicidal lozer. I don’t know I guess I’m gonna end now because well I’ve complained about myself long enough….well not really it’s just my wrist hurts and I want to stop tying and look up things….cutting….suicide songs (new mix cd), you know all the things one normally looks up online…… byes for (ever, now what I don’t know)

It's not fair

She has everything I want.
She is everything I wish I could be.
He loves her so much.
He doesn't love me.

He wants to hold her
in his arms
She wants to feel him
hold her tight

She wants what I can't have
and she gets it
all she has to do is ask

ask of him and he'll give
his everything to her
not to me

I'll never be
the one he wants
no one wants me
no one ever will

I have to get over him
but not until
he breaks my heart again
and he will
I'll let him

It will hurt
more than thousands of knifes
sliding across my wrists
more than drowning
more than anything
It will kill me
to see him go
go to her
not to me..... (BTW this is a work in progress)
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Why doesn't Justin love me? I love him so much and he doesn't care about me at all.
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Why do I let him have all this power over me?
How do I make it stop?
My head is pounding
and I feel like my head is caving in....
I love him so much
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I tried to get over him this time.
I really and truly did.
But I love him too much.
I've seen him through so much shit........
and yet I still love him.....
what the fuck is wrong with me?