Tommarrow...

Hey everyone <--- sound familiar?

Kyle leaves to Iowa in less than 24 hours.... 15hrs and 46mins from now exacally... he will be on the bus. At least I get to see him one last time before he leaves. What am I gonna do without him?... I'm always real depressed at night and I don't like sleeping alone so I asked Kevin to sleep over tonight. I've only slept one night alone at my new apartment. It went, 1st night - Kevin and Kyle, 2nd night - alone... ran crying to my old room and just rocked myself back and forth until I couldn't cry anymore, 3rd night - Jen, 4th Night - Kyle, 5th night - Kyle, tonight - Kevin (hopefully if hes allowed)... tomarrow I might stay over NaToni's, Michela's or Kiwi's... it all depends on who says I can stay with them. Lee wants me to sleep over sometime too and so does my dad and little brothers so I guess I have plenty of opitions so that I don't have to be alone but sometime the day is gonna come where I do have to be alone and what will I do then????

Yeah so... this is taking me a while to get posted because I am trying to burn Kyle a cd at the same time and I was checking up on some other people.

Anyways... not only is Kyle's leaving tomarrow but Jen's dad come and got her earlier then planned and Kevin has to go to Cathi's tomarrow for a week. So unless I find somewhere else to stay then... I'm gonna be alone with all my thoughts and I'll probably do something dumb. I hope not.

I really want to talk to Justin too. I already miss him... jeesh.

Kevin hates Wall-mart he says.

I miss Kyle already too... and he still hasn't even left yet.. he will be gone in 14hrs and 24mins... Newcomb came over looking for him to go to some BBQ or something so I hope he's having fun.

Well Kevin is bugging me to get going....

NaToni, NaToni, NaToni!!!

I apreciate so much that you actually read my blog... unlike my other loser friends who just skim it when they get the chance. The only thing is that you're not here to make me upset. That's why I don't talk about you too much. But you are a good friend. Today I got into a fight... with Kyle, of all people.

My head is really messed up and I tried to explain to Jen how I can't help it that I'm always depressed. That I'm not the same person I was when I first met her. That everything about me has changed for the worst. That I hate my life so goddamn bad!

I wanted to walk with Kyle to Elana's cause he was suppose to stay there tonight but Jen and Jessi ended up going and Kevin was already going... Kyle I guess got anoyed with me because I'm reminded him that he has to leave soon by wanting to spend time with him before he leaves. I got off my lazy butt for the first time this entire summer just so I could spend a couple more minets with him and I annoyed him by doing it. Jessi and Jen didn't want to walk in the dark on the rail trail but they didn't want to make me walk alone either. I told them I didn't mind but they wouldn't listen and Jen got all mad at me because I still wanted to keep going when they wanted to turn around and walk back. I just wanted to spend more time with him. I feel like I've wasted this entire month's worth of time to be with him. He says I make him be depressed about leaving. That I remind him of how much he doesn't want to go back. Well guess what Kyle... I don't want you to go back either. I want you to stay right here and hold me when I cry and tell me you love me everyday and be there for me. I don't want you to leave. Ohgawd... I hate crying.
Anyways, I faught with Kyle about that and then I gave everybody the silent treatment figuring that if everyone wants me to keep my feelings hidden and be happy well... then at least if I don't talk at all then no one will know how I'm truly feeling inside. How I want to rip out my hair and scream that "I *** *** **** ***** ***" yeah... that.... I want to tell Jen how I feel and why I feel it but I just can't and it hurts so godamnmuch! No matter what I tell her she'd never understand anyways. She wouldn't understand that my life is just not what it used to be. I lost something I held really close to my heart and now... I am nothing. I feel everything 10 times worse than I ever have and I am still nothing!

Well I got to go... I'm getting yelled at for being on the computer. God I hate my mother's asshole boyfriend! I gotta go.

Missing Kyle... and he's not even gone yet!

So... Jen and Kevin went to stay the night at Aunti Kims tonight... I hope she don't do anything stupid. She's still so very young. I mean... she's only 14 years old. I know they've been together forever but still...

Kyle only has the rest of today, tomarrow, and Friday to be in Maine... he leaves on Saturday but none of us are gonna see him on Saturday. I get so depressed thinking about it. I love him so goddamn much. What is it gonna be like not having him here again?... It was so much easier last time he left. He had a cell phone, I could hear his voice anytime I needed to but now... we have no way to talk or anything and... *tears* I'm gonna miss him so much... no one understands how much Kyle really means to me. Gawddamnit! It's not fair. Sometimes it seems like he's the only one who really cares about me at all and that kills me. What am I gonna do???? Not being able to talk to Justin because those stupid people at that place won't let me, Jen will be in Conneticut for the next 3 weeks so I won't be able to talk to her, (She can't give me her dad's number or anything.) Kyle will obviously be in Iowa, and Kevin... well... he's gonna be at Cathi's for a week and anyways he never really seems to care about me anyways.

Last night Kev was really sweet though. I was laying on his beanbags all sad and he was like standing up smoking a cigerette and I put my arms out to him. He thought I wanted the cigerette but I said I wanted a hug so he gave my brother the cigerette and pulled me up to hug him. I miss that stuff. He just hugged me. Until I let go. It was sweet. He cares... I mean... I know he cares about me... he just doesn't show it too often and I'm one of those people who always like to be remined because I'm really hard on myself and... I don't know... I just want to be loved. God my life sucks so much ass!

Any guys out there want a girlfriend? She's really easy... just say you love her and she'll give you anything you want. Money... clean your room... do your laundry... pretty much everything your too lazy to do yourself she'll do for you if you just tell her you love her on a regular basis. God I am so pathetic! I hate mayself sometimes... this is one of those times by the way.



To My Best Friend:

How strong can
Our friendship actually be?
Will it survive the estrangement
Of you and me?

I believe that it can,
For our friendship is strong
That we'll be forever,
And forever is long!

The memories that we have,
The talks that we have shared
Will always remind me,
Of how very much you cared

What a very special person,
You deserve the very best
Keep your head held high,
And don't worry about the rest

I've always told you many,
Many, times in the past,
That this friendship of ours
Will forever last

No matter how many miles,
Or minutes apart
You'll always have
That special place in my heart

By Sassy

Update

Well Kyle leaves in just a few days…(Be happy Josh… I stayed up all night crying the other day so you be happy) I’m really going to miss him. I love that kid so much.

Um… I don’t think I’m in love with Kevin anymore… I don’t mind writing that it was him that I fell in love with because I’ve told Jen and Justin both and I think Kevin got the idea when my brother explained to him how it would be better if I just kill him so my problems will go away. Yeah… Nick said that. Nick said he would help me kill Kevin… what a retard. I don’t want to kill Kevin… he’s one of my best friends…

So now I have this… sad sorta empty space inside now. I don’t feel in love with anyone. Not Justin, not Kevin…. Kyle asked if I was in love with him… I was like “I love you, more than anyone in the world, but I AM NOT IN LOVE with you. So you don’t have to worry.” I just feel sad and empty.

I moved out… I did tell everyone that right? Yeah well… now I’m pretty much homeless. I’m already fighting with Laura and Russell. They think I’m just going to baby-sit the kids anytime they want to go out and do… whatever. That was not the deal. I was supposed to be getting paid for one. Laura won’t fill out the papers. Two… I was only supposed to have to baby-sit the kids while Laura worked… not while she goes to moms and gets positive and watch TV… that’s not fair. I don’t get to watch TV, not that I really care about that but I don’t want to watch her kids while she’s out having fun and not get paid for it.

Justin came over today. He got to see my new house and stuff… too bad I have to move out. God I hate moving all the fucking time. Why doesn’t anyone want me? Gives a girl a complex – getting kicked out of everywhere she tries to live.

So yeah… Justin’s worker brought him to the house so he (the worker) could talk to Rose. He joked about taking his blanket back. He was in my new room and everything. Jessi is staying at his mom’s so she was here and he got to see her. If I was allowed to talk to Justin on the phone I’m sure I’d hear about Jessi for the next couple months every time we talked. Though just being able to hear his voice would still be nice… even if he is talking about her… it would be better than nothing at all.

Kevin was nice to me for a couple minuets today. I was laying on his beanbags in my room and I put my arms out to him. He tried to give me his cigarette and I’m like “I don’t want that I want a hug” so he gave my brother his cigarette, pulled me up and hugged me. He didn’t even stop till I pulled away. That was really nice. Like we were really friends or something lol. I miss him just holding me in his arms and just hugging me.

Well I’m running out of time here so… I gotta go. Bierz!

Sex!

1) 94% of men lie about their penis size.
According to condom manufacturers, only 6% of
men use extra large condoms.
2) The average man is 5 inches long when erect
(no matter what you have heard ladies, that's the
truth).
3) 80% of American men are circumsized. Even
though Pediatrics say it is not necessary.
4) No matter what all the ads say, nothing can
make your penis grow but time (most men reach
the end of their growth by the early 20's)
5) There is no correlation between penis size and
shoe size, hand size, or nose size.
6) Blue balls does exist! It's technically
called "prostatic congestion."
7) Only 16% of men shave their privates.

Some stuff on the ladies
------------------------------
1) Only 9% of women around the globe consider
themselves "attractive" (20% of British women
do).
43% of women use the term "natural", 24% say
they have "average" looks, 8% prefer the
term "feminine", 7% say they are "good looking",
and 7% say they are "cute", and finally only 2% of
women say they are "sexy".
2) An estimated 85% of women wear the wrong
size bra.
3) 60% of women have had breast implants.
4) 75% of women dont like oral sex
5) 95% of women shave their privates.

Both
--------------------------------
1) Masturbation is healthy for both men and
women.
2) 70% of highschoolers have had sex before
they
have graduated. 27% loose their virginity senior
prom night. Only 3% wait until marriage.
3) 95% of men would have sex with a girl after 1
month of dating. Only 10% of women feel this way.

5 Reasons Why Sex is Good
---------------------------------------------
1) It is a good workout. Sex burns about 150
calories every half an hour of it. It will lower your
cholesterol and improve breathing circulation.
2) You won't get sick. According to research if
you
have sex 1-2 times a week you are less likely to
get sick.
3) You'll feel happier. You will feel a greater sense
of well-being. Women who have more sex were
clinically proven to be less depressed than women
who dont have sex.
4) Makes you look better- [ problem is ugly people
don`t get any ]. Sex releases hormones in your
body which make your skin and hair softer and
shinier and tone your physic.
5) (The best reason) You will live longer. Studies
prove that sex makes you live longer. Men who
had sex 1-2 times a week had half the death rate
as those who did not indulge themselves at least
once a month. It also makes you look younger. If
you have sex 3 times a week you may look up to
10 years younger than you really are.

Did You Know
----------------------------------------
1) Having sex 3 times a week for 1 year adds up
to
running 75 miles!!!!

If you don't post this then you will have bad sex for
7 years (who wants that?) Honestly Not me!

Bi-polar???

Sorry everyone... it's been a few days and... I'm back in that depressing state again. Been up for hours crying... holding onto Kyle's hoodie shirt he gave me and just crying. I felt really stupid in my new room so I got my diary and I went to my old room. I don't know what it is but that room just makes me feel.. I don't know... safe. I hate it that I had to leave it and all. I'm also really upset about Kyle going back to Iowa in less than a week. What will I do without him? He is the only one I let in fully... the one I trust my intermost thoughs with. Everyone thinks they know me.. but they have no idea. Kyle is the only one who knows everything (or almost everything... (name who will not be mentioned - no I didn't tell) but yeah. I think I have bi-polar because I have severe ups and severe downs... like really severe downs... god I hate this. I need to get to bed. I am so fucking tired.
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"I like it when you smile, it makes everyone else smile" ~ Kevin to me....

Still happy...

Just a little update to let everyone know... still happy!
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Moving into my new apartment today... and it's raining... gotta run... gotta go... gotta pee... I mean... lol.. I'm still happy... this must be a record of some sort. Don't exacally love my life... but I no longer want to kill myself anymore... ok.. maybe just a little... but a lot less than before. I love Kyle.


You too Jen

and NaToni

Micheala...Leola... Kevin... Justin... anyone else who reads my thoughs and complaints... I love you!

I'm happy....

Wow... what is this a blue moon tonight or something? I'm actually happy. Been happy for almost 24 hours now. Last night Kevin, Kyle and me played spin-the-bottle with my little pin thing my mom got me for Valentines Day. I was the only girl so it was great. First Kevin went and he had to nibble on my ear... *sighs*... then Kyle went and he had to say something to make me blush so he whispered "penis, penis, penis” in my ear. Then I had to sing a love song, so I go “I love you, you love me,” and stopped. Then Kevin had to give me a ten second back massage. Then Kyle had to sing me a love song so he goes “I love you” and stopped lol. Then I had to tickle both of them. Then Kevin got “French kiss” so he like… um… yeah… he was just playing at first trying to lick me and stuff… which was funny but gross. But we ended up just doing it. Before we were even done Kyle was like “Tiffy I swear I didn’t do this on purpose”…. He had spun “French kiss” too. So I leaned over and started making out with him. It was so fun. Then I got player’s choice and Kevin… uh… anyways… lol… it was funny. Last night was fun. I was like “we should play with Jen and get her to ‘French kiss’ me”… and the boys were like “YEAH!” Because they want to watch lol… too bad she’d never be into that. *Sighs* boys are so easy and girls are so… hard to get. Especially when the girl you want is straight. Well I’m done for now. My time is almost up. Not quite but almost so… WML.

Well... Justin must be happy...

I just called Kids Peace and am somewhat happy to report that Justin has been moved. SO I probably won't be able to talk to him anymore on the phone. But hey at least we'll be able to go see him more often... I hope.
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ALl I know is I miss him and I hope he calls me soon. I tried to call him last night but couldn't get ahold of him. Now the only thing I can do is wait for him to call me. God I love that kid. he is like... so close with Kyle.... like practically equal. I love him so much!
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But anyways *sighs*... I gotta go... god I wanna talk to Justin so bad. I just want someone to talk to right now. I wanna here his voice and have him tell me how much he loves me (as a friend) and tell him I love him too. Really I want to hold him and tell him but that isn't possible quite yet. I can't wait till I see him again!

STOP CALLING FOR THE BOYS!

Well I'm being kicked off before my time is even up but I just wanted to let everyone know that last night Kevin and Kyle got me so *positive* that I fell asleep before coming down. Today the boys (mostly Kyle) used my phone for hours... until it died... no more calling my house for them. I tell you.. it pisses me off. This is my phone not theirs. If I get a call for one of them... this is what you will be hearing "I'm sorry but Kevin and/or Kyle do not live here nor am I they're answering service. To get ahold of them you can call Kevin's mother's cell after 9 or on weekends if you have the number. If you don't then I'm sorry your shit outta luck. Good-bye"... yeah so... stop calling for them. It's rude to call my house for one of them. And to everyone who asks for me first... I'm not gonna give them the phone either... it's not theirs... I don't care if you're my friend too or not... if you're not calling to actually talk to me then you're not a good friend and I don't wanna talk to you anyways... I love you... but it's rude and I get pissed off!
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In other news... Jen has the internet and I only have a half-hour of time left today so I gotta go... bad enough I'm gonna have to beg to use it at 10 when Jen signs on even though I've been on from 4:30 to 6pm not 6:30 like I should be able to be on to. So I gotta go. Write more later... maybe... if I'm lucky!

Justin and Cahd Micheal Murray

Does he look like Chad Micheal Murray or what?

My heart

Well.... this is how my heart breaks up... sorry to anyone who doesn't feel like a big enough piece of my heart is taken up by them.. but this is the truth.... I love Kyle the mostest in the whole wide world... Kevin and Justin are the same... Jen and Lee are the same... and everybody else.... you all know I love you... just... these are the big ones.

Wow... I got pranked or something...

Hi.

Congratulations! Your friend has fell for the prank.

Friend's name:
Tiffany Jean Penney (tiffy3787@yahoo.com)

His/Her Lovers:
1. Kevin Andrew Tilkins
2. Justin David Tilkins
3. Kyle James Sanchez

Usually...
Name #1 is the girl or guy that your friend currently loves the most.

Name #2 is the person that your friend likes but cannot get.

Name #3 is your friend's best friend (of the opposite sex).

Contemplating suicide

I've been depressed and suisidal a lot lately... .
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Sometimes I just feel... like I'm not good enough for anyone to love me. Well... by love me, I mean fall in love with me. I fall for all these asshole guys who have girlfriends and use me. The guilt is overwelming and it hurts so bad that I want to kill myself sometimes... a lot more often recently... it just hurts is all I can say.
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and soon my best friend in the whole wide world will be taking off for another state... will be thousands of miles away... and I can't stop it. I can't do anything about it. I need him so much... he's the only one I feel like I can talk to... even though he calls me a nutcase and stuff... he's still the only one who knows anything about me and my life. I have to keep everything bottled up inside and I feel like I'm gonna burst but I can't let it out or people would hate me and I can't stand to have people hate me.... so I keep theses secrets that are tearing me up inside...
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I just don't know what else to do anymore... I will take this secret to the grave.... I'm trying to make that come sooner but everybody tells me not to... I don't see the point. It's not like I'm doing anybody any good. I'm not even a good friend...
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I just... I want someone to share all this pain with... someone who will just hold me during the rough times and tell me it'll be ok... someone who will kiss me whenever I want a kiss... someone who will tell me they love me and mean it in a way that isn't as a friend.
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Jen and Kevin have been together for almost 8 months now... my longest relationship lasted about 3 months and he was never around except when we were fooling around... it was nice that he was sexy as all hell... Peurto Rican (however you spell it) and six pack abs... but when he wasn't around I fooled around with his friends... I dated one of his friends while I was still with him... the whole Rory thing happened while I was still with him too... well really... I guess we never offically broke up actually.. but I've moved on and I'm sure he has too ya know... he moved to New Jersey for pete's sake so I say it's way over. The whole first month we were together he was cheating on me with my friend Kasey too so... well... I guess he was dating both of us really... but still.. he cheated on me with her and he cheated on her with me... we were fighting over him.. I don't have a picture but if you had seen him... DAMN! He was worth it. Me and Kasey weren't that close anyways... it was more of an aquantince thing... she got the better deal out of it anyways.. she started dating Nick Gagne and they're still together... 4 years later... I liked Nick too... but I never had a chance with him... he was too old... he's be like 22 now... Steven would be like 21... wow... that's weird... I have a 21 year old ex-boyfriend. Kasey's probably like 21 too... they were all older than me.
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Memories... anyways... that's long over and now I have nobody... no one will ever fall in love with me because I fall for all the wrong guys... the ones who already have girlfriends... or are too young... or just want to use me... or a combination of all three (you know who you are.) I'm just sick of being alone all the goddamn time! I'm too depressed to write anymore... this is a lot more than I thought it would be...

Some quotes... no time for a real entry

Love is when you miss him even before he leaves when you could listen to him talk all night and never get tired of hearing his voice when the sound of his name sends chills down your spine and you see his smile the second you close your eyes *:. .:* .:* *:. *:. .:* .:* *:. .:* *:. *:. .:* .:* *:. *:. .:* ~Justin~

Life is too short, so kiss slowly, laugh insanely, love truly, and forgive quickly. ~always~

No guy is worth your tearz, but the one that is will never make you cry. ~ they all have so far~

Never say you hate him, if you can't let go of him! ~Kevin~

Never treat anyone like a priority if they treat you only as an option!!! ~Justin~

if nothing lasts forever ... then will you be my nothing? ~Justin~

As soon as you get online... whos name do You look for first? When a Slow Song Comes On The Radio--Whose Face comes To Your Mind first? When You Hear Your Phone Ringing...Who Do You Hope it is callin? Whose name Makes Your Heart skip a beat? ~Justin~

love is always the answer but sex brings up some pretty good questons ~um...yeah~

Every penny in a well, every broken wish bone, every 11:11 on a clock, every crossed finger, every turn of a necklace pendant, every star in the sky, every fallen eyelash, every blown out candle, every wish I could make....will never let me forget the past ~Justin~

You know you're in love when you think about someone more times in a day than you think about yourself. ~Kevin~

The day will come when you'll be mine
But I'll just wait till that time
If I have to wait forever, thats what I'll do
Cause I cant live my life, without you ~Justin... or Kevin... who knows?~





Jen and Lee left yesterday... Jen will be coming down more often now... like once a weekend for a couple of hours or something... I mean I love her... and I know Kevin loves her... and I want to see her and stuff... but it seems like she never wanted to hang out with me even when she was sleeping over here... she spent all her time with Kevin and that made me feel like I wasn't good enough or something for her to want to spend time with. I don't know... whatever right?.... It just makes me feel worse when she's here and ignoring me... so I don't know how much I really want her here if she's gonna ignore me and make me feel worse than I already do ya know? even though she's my best friend... she still can make me feel worse about myself... that's not what best friends are suppose to do for your self-confidence now is it?



... well like I said in the title... I have no time whatsoever to be writing this... I got kicked off the computer 20 minets ago lol.... write more tomarrow.

I just love how everyone says they care about me so much and then I disapeer into the bathroom for over an hour and no one comes looking for me. They were all too stoned to care it seems. Kevin, Kyle, Brett, Jen, Elena, and Leola... not one of them came looking for me.
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I hate my family and my friends and Jen just came in here saying she came looking for me but I never heard it. Now she's mad at me and I don't care anymore. I'm sick of everyone not caring. I'm giving up on my friends. I'm giving up on myself. I don't even want to go see Justin anymore and if you know me... you know how big of a deal that is.
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I just want to crawl up in a ball and go to sleep forever and never wake up. That would be nice.
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I just can't take it anymore. My world has fallen apart and no one seems to give a fuck.

Thoughts of Kyle..

Ok... so early Saturday morning me and Kev were almost made up.... but then I had to go and fuck everything up again. At least he ... I think... understands a little better as to why I was upset with him.
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So yeah... about me fucking everything up... I'm kinda sorta... ah... very extremly nosy... and I watched Jen's tape... it was suppose to be all personal and stuff.... not that I didn't know everything on the tape anyways... one thing I didn't know though was that Kyle... m bestest friend in the whole wide world who I never hold back from... who I never keep secrets from... who I love more than anyone in this world... said I was "a grade A nutcase" on the tape... it was suppose to be kept from me so obviously it was his true thoughts about me.
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I'm sorry I confided in him and let him know how I was feeling... I guess I really don't have anyone I can talk to openly with about anything without them judgeing me... but that's what I get I guess...
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Kyle..... Kyle you guys... I love him more than Justin.... I can't.... I can't talk to him anymore....
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I'm probably gonna go to a mental hospital on Monday. I realized... if even Kyle thinks I'm crazy then I must be... I need to be locked up in a padded room or something...
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I wish I could talk to Justin... or Jen... but...so many lies about feelings and betrayals and... I can't.... I love them both so much and I just don't want to hurt either one of them... it's a good thing they won't read this... Justin never checks my site and Jen doesn't have computer acess... and no one better tell them to read this either or I will be pissed!
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I jsut wish I had someone... like a councelor maybe... who I could tell all my thoughts to and not have to worry about it getting back to people I don't want to hear about it... I tried to tell Kyle and he thinks I'm a nut... I tell Lee but now I'm scared of her too... I figure if Kyle can think that way about me then... anyone could.
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Who am I gonna talk to now... I scared of myself... and no one understands me.
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I was so happy just a few weeks ago.... I think I may be bi-polar or something.... I've been depressed since around the beginning of this month... when....something big happened. Something big happened on the 26th and it was ok for a few days and then Kyle showed up and everything went straight downhill because I was so looking forward to him coming and fixing all my problems and I realized he can't... he used to be able to... but he just can't anymore... and it's not his fault... nothing is his fault... like I told my brother... Kyle is the best thing in my life... why did everything have to happen to me now?

ANNA NALICK ~ "Breathe (2 AM)"
...
"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?,
I don't love him. Winter (summer) just wasn't my season"
...
No one can find the rewind button, girl.
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe... just breathe,
...
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him. Maybe I'll just sing about it. (Justin)
...
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe... just breathe,
...
You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around.
...
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to (suicide)
...
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to
...
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe
woah breathe, just breathe,
oh breathe, just breathe.


I guess I'm done writing for now... I still... never mind...

Crazy House!

Well… I almost got myself sent away to a mental hospital today. I went to see this guy for an evaluation today and he sent me to the ER who called Crisis and Counseling. They didn’t want to let me leave because they were scared I might kill myself. I told those people that it wasn’t my birthday anymore so they didn’t have to worry. That a certain boy happened to tell me that it would be cool if I go out the same day I came in, a couple weeks ago said he hated my fucking guts and hoped I fucking died, and handed me a big ole knife last night… a boy who means so goddamn much to me with very good reasons behind why I care so much about him.

Justin called my cell while I was in the hospital and I answered and told him where I was and stuff. He said he couldn’t call yesterday… on my birthday… because his worker had him out for a long time and they wouldn’t let him call when he got back. Later… when I was out of the hospital and I called him he said that he laid in bed feeling really bad about not calling me on my birthday…. That he thought of it while trying to fall asleep. That he felt really bad…. Awwww…

I told him how when he goes to Skowhegan Jen will only be 8 minuets away (by car) and he said that when he gets his license he’s gonna go pick up Jen and bring her to a cheap motel and… blah, blah, blah… and I’m like “You better not replace me with her again” and he asked when he did that and I said … uh… well I can’t put what I said online but… yeah… he didn’t remember doing it but he did. I have it in a chat from when he was at Cathi’s and I printed it out and everything.

Anyways… I wouldn’t let them take me to any mental hospitals… not that my friends are hanging out with me or anything but…. I didn’t want to go with Jen and Lee suppose to be sleeping over and stuff…where would they go.

When I got out of the car Jen ran across the street in front of a car to come and hug me for a long time… that was nice. She really cares. Kyle came and hugged me too. Lee had to go to Untie Mitsy’s… it wasn’t her fault. Kevin… well.. he didn’t care… he never does.

Kyle tried to give me my birthday present but I didn’t want it…

Grrrrr… I hate these people who call themselves my fucking friends… they have no respect for me and my rules of my room. Obviously they don’t care about me as much as they try to say they do…. Whatever!

Aaaaahhhh…. And they wonder why I think no one cares about me and shit. Goddamnit!


Lee, Jen, and Kyle’s song to me:

EVE 6 LYRICS

"Friend Of Mine"

Are you feeling that you're on the brink
Of spilling some red in the sink
It wasn’t the easiest year
No I don’t want you to go

Are the memories too hard to take
Rape is a word with a face
No I don’t want you to go
You know I don’t want you to go

Friend of mine stay alive
Don’t you leave me here
All alone in the world with a chronic tear
I will always be here, I will always be here
I will always be here for you

We walked the promenade in the rain
With Velcro shoes and an ice cream stain
You’re the only one who understands
Remember the Blake said to make sure you wake
And help save your generation

No I don’t want you to go
You know we don’t want you to go

Friend of mine stay alive
Don’t you leave me here
All alone in the world with a chronic tear
I will always be here, I will always be here
I will always be here for you

Don’t look back
The past is just that
We are We are We are We are
Awake

Friend of mine stay alive
Don’t you leave me
Friend of mine stay alive
Don’t you leave me
I will always be here
I will always be here

Friend of mine stay alive
Don’t you leave me here
All alone in the world with a chronic tear
I will always be here, I will always be here
I will always be here for you





My lyrics:

Adam’s Song by Blink 182

I never thought I'd die alone
I laughed the loudest who'd have known?
…
I'm too depressed to go on
You'll be sorry when I'm gone
…
I never conquered, rarely came
…
Days when I still felt alive
We couldn't wait to get outside
The world was wide, too late to try
…
I never thought I'd die alone
Another six months I'll be unknown
Give all my things to all my friends
You'll never step foot in my room again
You'll close it off, board it up
…
Please tell mom this is not her fault


yeah I'll put some more on later but I gotta get off the computer now....







I love you NaToni!... I know you read this lol.

My Birthday ~ Kill Me GOD!

So I've been really depressed lately.... and I'm getting more and more depressed as each minuet of my birthday goes by with this gay ass fucking slow computer. I just want to take it and smash it all to bits.

Anyways… Kyle is going back to Iowa on July 26th… he won’t even have been here a month’s worth of time. Last night I was all depressed and if he hadn’t been here…. What would I have done? Kevin just isn’t the way Kyle is. Kevin says I’m his best friend… and he knows I’ll always be there for him… but he would never just hold me in his arms and rock me while I cry… not that Kyle did quite that either but close. Kyle made me feel better for a little while. The first hour of my birthday I sat listening to my Ultimate Justin Mix Cd and crying… First hour of my birthday I spent it bawling my eyes out.

Nothing ever works out for me… never! I never get anything I want… or anyone I want… I never get nothing. I have tons of material possessions sure… but what good are they if no one loves me. I know all my friends say they love me and shit but…that’s just words… nothing feels alright.

It’s like my whole life has fallen apart and nothing can ever get it back together again the way it once was. I have nothing left to strive towards…. I wanted kids… I wanted to make Jimmy a reality but… I can’t. It’ll never happen because Justin isn’t into it. I don’t want to have my babies with anyone else. He’s the one. I don’t even love him anymore. I mean… I love him so goddamn much and I always will but… I’m not in love with him anymore and that hurts. I don’t know what to do. If I’m not the girl obsessed with Justin Tilkins anymore… than what am I? Who am I?

Why did I have to fall in love with a guy who treats me even worse? At least Justin pretended sometimes that he could stand me. I know Justin cares about me now… I know it. I’m his best friend and stuff… but… I’ll never be more… hell I don’t really want to be anymore.

I just want someone to truly love me… for me… for who I already am… I don’t wanna have to fix myself anymore… I just want to start all over from the beginning and stop all the bad things from happening. I hate my birthday… I’m crying again. I hate my life… everybody thinks I’m kidding but I’m serious as all hell. I want to die and rot away in a box underground. It’s not like I believe in god anymore so… all that happens is I’ll rot away… no heaven or hell… no final judgment… if there was a final judgment I’d go to hell and I don’t want to do that so I’m not gonna believe in it.

My mom thinks it’s all because of some boy that I feel this way but she doesn’t understand. It’s not just the Justin thing… it’s everything. Kyle leaving, my friends not caring, giving my heart to boys who just rip it out and throw it away, not having a future. I’m 19 years old now and I still have nothing to do with my life. it’s not like I’m good at something. It’s not like I’m smart. There is nothing to me. I’m just a depressed loser who can’t keep herself from crying. I’m not good for anything. I can’t give good advice. I can’t fight. I can’t do anything.

Jen called me for my birthday. She made me promise to wait till she gets here before I do anything stupid. I still want to… I hate when people make me promise stuff.

The boys just showed up. They’re mad at me because I don’t get all cheered up the second they talk to me. Well too bad… depression hits hard and stays for a long time. They’re not everything.. they can’t make it all better just like that. It just doesn’t work that way. I can’t magically be fixed.

4:20pm

Well… Jen’s here… Lee’s here… Kiwi’s here… Megan and Doug are here… Kyle and Kevin are here… I got a lot of new stuff… like recordable cd’s and 2 camera’s and a couple new shirts and some more tissues and stuff… but… I still feel like crap. I feel worse now that it’s 9:33pm and I know Justin can’t call me any later tonight. He didn’t call me on my birthday. What did I do? Did I do something wrong? Does he just not care?… I tried to call him but… I could never get through…. What did I do?… He seemed… I don’t know. He did say happy birthday on Runescape today but… I don’t know… I was all telling him how I feel and he seemed concerned but then… why didn’t he call me? It’s my fucking birthday for Pete’s sake and all I had wanted for my birthday was him and I didn’t get that so all I could hope for was to talk to him on the phone but I didn’t get that either. It’s not fucking fair. I never get anything I want ever! EVER!

A Survey....

~SURVEYS~

---> You

Basics
.: x full name- Tiffany Jean Penney
.: x height- 5'6 1/2
.: x hair color- blond with dark brown roots
.: x real hair color- brown
.: x eye color- blue
.: x birthday- July 13, 1986
.: x age- 18 almost 19
.: x grade- senior



School
.: x name of school- Cony High School
.: x grade- senior (2nd time)
.: x nicest teacher- Ms Hardison
.: x meanest teacher- Mr Kenney
.: x best class- foods
.: x best subject- English
.: x worst class- wellness
.: x worst subject- science
.: x what do you think about PE or athletics? They suck



Favorites
.: x drink- pepsi
.: x ice cream flavor- cotton candy
.: x smell- vanilla perfume and Axe cologne on guys
.: x sport- basketball
.: x channel- MTV
.: x celebrity- Amy Lee
.: x memory- Justin
.: x candy- m-n-m’s
.: x show- Life As We Know It (cancelled)
.: x animal- none



This or that
.: x roses or daisies- roses
.: x cell phone or AIM- cellphone
.: x mall or movies- mall
.: x tv or computer- computer
.: x cat or dog- cat
.: x rock or rap- rock
.: x water or milk- water
.: x shorts or pants- pants
.: x dinner and a movie or walk on the beach- dinner and a movie
.: x blue or pink- pink!!
.: x color or black and white- color
.: x friends or family- friends
.: x baseball or basketball- basketball
.: x coke or pepsi- pepsi
.: x bright or dark- bright

--> Would you rather….
.:x go to Hawaii or go to the Bahamas? Hawaii

.:x go to the movies or go shopping? shopping!
.:x Spend the night with a friend or go to a party? friend
.:x Host a party or have a friend spend the night? friend
.:x Tan in a salon or lay out? niether
.:x Watch TV or get online? get online
.:x Have you dream guy or have the ultimate trip to a tropical island with all your friends in the best suite in the hotel? tropical island

Your Perfect Guy

Short Answer
.: x hair color- doesn't matter
.: x eye color- doesn't matter
.: x height- doesn’t matter
.: x short or long hair- shortish… not ponytail long eww
.: x prep, skater, jock, etc- skater
.: x teeth- doesn’t matter as long as they’re not falling out or something eww.. not yucky



Yes or No
.: x glasses- doesn’t matter
.: x contacts- doesn’t matter
.: x buff- it’s nice I guess
.: x piercings- not too many
.: x tattoos- don’t matter
.: x teeth- see above
.: x cook- it’s nice
.: x love his mom- yes
.: x watch chick flicks with you- that’s be nice too
.: x cuss- doesn’t matter
.: x drink- I prefer not.. but…
.: x smoke- well I do so…
.: x write poems- sweet
.: x walk you to your door- awwww

.: x pay for dinner- if he wants to
.: x wild or conserved- doesn’t matter

This or that
.: x funny or serious- both
.: x night out or stay at home- both
.: x shy or outgoing- doesn’t matter
.: x candy or flowers- candy… except the diet thing… so flowers
.: x smart or dumb- smart
.: x not afraid to speak his mind or do what makes you happy- speak mind
.: x quiet or loud- somewhere in the middle
.: x class clown or class nerd- class clown
.: x funny or sarcastic- funny… I don’t like mean jokes
.: x basketball or football- doesn’t matter
.: x honest or trustworthy- both

--> Name a friend for each letter:
Alicia St Pierre
Bethie Badershall
Cora Lane
David Church
Emily Kinney
F
Guido (aka Tim)
Heather Blake
I
Justin, Jen, Jaylyn
Kevin Tilkins

Leola Colby
Mexican (aka Kyle)
NaToni Sapp
O
P
Q
Rebecca Isherwood
Steve Moore
Travis Tyler
U
V
W
X
Y
Z



You are...(looks)
[ ] tall
[*] in between
[ ] short

[*] blonde
[ ] redhead
[*] brunette
[ ] black

[*] blue-eyed
[ ] brown-eyed
[ ] green-eyed
[ ] hazel eyed
[ ] gold/gray eyed
[ ] black-eyed
[ ] glasses
[ ] contacts

[ ]braces
[ ] freckles
[*] piercing(s)
[ ] tatoos

[ ] long hair
[ ] short hair
[ * ] med. Hair


Your nationality includes...
[ ] Chinese
[ ] Indian
[ ] Taiwanese
[ ] Japanese
[ ] Hispanic
[ ] Nicola
[ ] Puerto Rican
[ ] chicane
[ ] Italian
[ ] Scottish
[ ] Filipino
[ ] Dutch
[*] French
[ ] German
[ ] Irish
[ ] Greek
[ ] Portuguese
[ ] Hispanic
[*] polish
[ ] Korean
[ ] Jamaican
[ ] Canadian
[ ] Lithuanian
[ ] Native American
[ ] Russian
[ ] British
[ ] African
[*] Other
[ ] Australian



Your favorite color(s) are?
[ ] red
[*] pink
[ ] yellow
[*] black
[ ] green
[ ] blue
[ ] white
[ ] silver
[ ] purple
[ ] brown
[ ] orange
[ ] gray



Some sports/physical things you have done?
[ ] football
[ ] cheerleading
[ ] dancing
[ ] lacrosse
[ ] soccer
[ ] field hockey
[ ] hockey
[ ] rugby
[ ] softball
[ ] wrestling
[ ] gymnastics
[ ] track/cross country
[*] Basketball
[ ] baseball
[ ]golf
[ ] playing in the mud
[ ] playing music
[ ] hiking
[ ] camping
[ ] horseback riding
[ ] marching band
[ ] Skateboarding



Your personality is sometimes...
[*] annoying
[*] talkative
[*] shy
[*] funny
[*] serious
[*] bubbly
[ ] spazzy often
[*] fun loving
[ ] laid back
[ ] strict
[ ] hyper
[ ] weird



The music you like is?
[ ] rap...
[*] rock
[*] pop
[ ]country
[ ] hiphop
[ ] r&b
[ ] slow jams
[ ] Christian
[ ] classical
[ ] techno
[ ] oldies
[*] punk
[ ] Metal
[ ] reggae
[ ] Goth
[ ] Latin



The pets you have are?
[*] cat
[ ] dog
[ ] lizard
[ ] rat
[ ] ferret
[ ] rabbit
[ ] fish
[*] other


Clothes you like to wear are?
[*] plain tshirts
[*] sweatshirts
[ ] stockings
[ ] high heels
[*] sneakers
[*] jeans
[ ] pajama pants
[ ] boxers
[*] underwear
[ ] dresses
[ ] mini skirts
[ ] long skirts
[ ] watches
[*] necklace
[ ] hoop earring(s)
[*] toe socks
[ ] flip flops
[ ] halter tops
[ ] stilletos
[*] band shirts
[ ] shorts
[ ] skate clothes



How do you like to wear your hair?
[*] down
[*] ponytail
[*] pigtails
[*] messy bun
[*] half ponytail
[*] scrunched/curly
[ ] bun
[*] crimped
[ ] with a bandana
[ ] French braids
[ ] lots of little braids
[ ] Gel
[ ] Hat
[*] messy (bed head)
[ ] Fohawk
[ ] SIDE SWEEP


You eat?
[ ] dessert
[*] meat
[*] diet stuff
[*] healthy foods
[*] junk foods
[ ] a lot of carbs
[*] lots of meat
[*] salad
[ ] seafood


A typical friday night...
[ ] mall with your friends
[ ] partying
[ ] watching movies
[ ] going to the club
[*] staying home
[ ] babysitting and getting $$
[*] hanging out w/ my friends
[ ] hanging out w/ your boyfriend/girlfriend
[ ] working while your friends are out having fun!
[ ] going to gigs with your friends
[*] other



Currently you are...
[ ] in a relationship
[ ] single and lovin it
[ ] crushing
[ ] single and looking for someone
[ ] just broke up. . . and so sad about it.
[*]sexually confused



Online, you use:
[*] lol
[*] sup
[*] =D
[*] lmao
[ ] stfu
[*] ty
[*] jk
[*] ttyl
[*] lylas/lylab
[*] g2g
[*] ^^
[ ] T_T



Did you like this survey?
[ ] yeah
[ ] no!
[ ]it was ok
[*] it was something to do



About You:
1 - Full Name: Tiffany Jean Penney
2 - Nick name: Tiffy
3 - birthday: July 13, 1986
4 - place of birth: Augusta, ME
5 - zodiac sign: cancer
6 - male or female: female
7 - school: Cony High School
8 - occupation: student
9 - residence: home
10 - screen name: Tiffy3787



Appearance:
11 - hair color: blonde with dark brown roots
12 - hair length: mediam
13 - eye color: blue
14 - height: 5'6 1/2
15 - braces: no
16 - glasses: yes
17 - piercings: yes (ears)
18 - tattoos: not yet
19 - righty or lefty: righty


Favorites:
20 - movie: Thirteen
21 - tv show: Life As We Know It (cancelled)
22 - color: pink
23 - band: Unwritten Law
24 - song: I don’t know right now
25 - food: lasagna
26 - drink: pepsi
27 - candy: m-n-m’s
28 - sport: basketball
29 - brand of clothing: zana-di
30 - school subject: Englsih
31 - animal: none
32 - book: Speak

33 - magazine: PopStar



Currently:
34 - eating: nothing… I’m hungry
35 - drinking: nothing
36 - online: yeah
37 - thinking about: I have a headache
38 - wanting to: see Justin, Kev and Kyle
39 - watching: the comp screen
40 - listening to: nothing
41 - wearing: jeans and a tank top



Future:
42 - want kids: 5 of them
43 - get married: twice
44 - carreers in mind: massuse



Opposite Sex:
45 - cute or sexy: both
46 - lips or eyes: both
47 - hugs or kisses: kisses
48 - short or tall: doesn’t matter
49 - romantic or spontaneous: both
50 - fatty or skinny: doesn’t matter
51 - sensitive/loud: both
52 - hook up/relationship: both

53 - sweet or caring: both



Have You Ever:
54 - kissed a stranger: no
55 - smoked: yes
56 - ran away from home: yes
57 - broken a bone: yes
58 - got an x-ray: yes
59 - broke someone’s heart: yes
60 - turned someone down: yes
61 - cried when someone died: yes
62 - cried at school: yes



Do You Believe In...
63 - God: not sure
64 - miracles: yes
65 - love at first sight: yes
66 - ghosts: yes
67 - aliens: yes
68 - soul mates: yes
69 - heaven: not sure
70 - hell: not sure
71 - kissing on the first date: definatly
72 - horoscopes: my religion

Answer Truthfully:
73 - is there someone you want?: yes so badly… u know who you are

*Tiffy Jean*

Not much to tell....

So the boys never made it back from Lani’s last night. I called her cell at 3 in the morning and Kyle says he’s gonna get beat up for it lol…. poor Kyle… I’ll take care of the cuts and bruises….

Me and Lee just watched 13 and then she watched Interview With a Vampire but I feel asleep lol… then she watched some other movie I woke up and asked her what it was lol…

Um… I woke up at 3pm-ish and I only got up cause of my counseling which got cancelled anyways. I guess I have to reschedule for next week. And I’m gonna have a guy for a councilor which I didn’t really want. How will I be able to tell a guy…. Ah… girl stuff.
Well… lee is bugging me so I got to go now…. I’ll write more later tonight or possible tomorrow…. Damn… my head hurts… where is my ibuprofen? Byes.



I love you Justin David Tilkins! - not that you ever read this lol...

Whatever happens from now on... happens ...

Justin’s horoscope for the day: You've got some really good friends, and they're there to help you if you need it.

Lol.. we were talking on the phone and I was like “You're horroscope today said something about you getting a bunch of money" and he's like "My one on yahoo said I had really good friends that I could rely on" and I'm like "Kyle and me" and he's like "I wasn't including you on that one" and I'm like "Huh?" and he's like "actually you were the first one I thought about" and from the way he said it... I knew it was the truth.

Nowadays he's the only one that can make me feel good. Just talking about Runescape and life and stuff with him... even if there's a lot of things I'm keeping from him.... it still makes me feel so much better... and he's the only one who can do that.

I know I still love him... but maybe this time it's for real... maybe this time.. I'm not in love with him anymore... I mean.. I know the guy I do think I love doesn't care one bit about me... but Justin never did either. And... well... this new guy and me... have something... at least a little something if not a lot. And I'm not quite sure wether it's love or lust... but I'd like to think love more than lust. Then it wouldn't feel so bad. I don't know.... maybe I should give up on him... and all guys... and girls... maybe I should be celebit (sp?) or something. It would save so many problems that have arizen. I don't know... I'm so confused. It's like one day I hate him... the next I love him... the next I want to fuck him... I am so confused... and it's not even like he likes me... why do I even try?

I have my first counceling session tomarrow at 4pm... boy do I have a lot to get off my cheast. Hopefully I'll feel comfortable with this person because I need to tell someone all this crap hidden behind walls in my brain. Some of the stuff that I even keep from Kyle...

Cancer & Scorpio:

When Cancer and Scorpio make a love match, the resulting relationship draws together the energies of two emotionally intense Signs. Signs such as these often combine well, each partner's strengths balancing the other's weaknesses. These Signs feel a strong sexual attraction, and when they are together the temperature in the room tends to rise! Cancer and Scorpio have a great deal in common, and much potential to keep their relationship passionate and going strong.

Cancer and Scorpio enjoy buying things together and creating a comfortable living space: Cancer craves security and Scorpio strives for power. Both occupy their minds with thoughts of domestic goods and resources, including stocks, bonds and inheritances. Since they are both concerned with the home and have fierce loyalties to the family group, Cancer and Scorpio complement each other well. They both see life as a passionate and deeply emotionally exercise of human connection.

The Moon (Emotion) rules Cancer, while Mars (Passion) and Pluto (Power) both rule Scorpio. Thanks to Pluto's powerful influence, this is an intense combination of Planets, but it's also a good balance of masculine and feminine energy. These two Signs coming together form the basic foundation of human relationships -- The Moon's nurturing love and Mars' ambition and passion. The Moon and Mars go well together; the Moon is about growth and rebirth, and Mars is about the passion of romance. Scorpio, influenced by that Martian energy, is smoldering and intense, and emotional Cancer is attracted to this intensity. In turn, Scorpio enjoys the adoration inherent to Moon-ruled, nurturing Cancer.

Cancer and Scorpio are both Water Signs. Both are very deep Signs and, like the ocean, you can never really see to the bottom of these two. Scorpio and Cancer may draw further and further into themselves, then suddenly roar back with intimidating force. Loyalty is strong with this love match, thanks to their mutual desire for emotional security. But while Cancer fixes their emotional energy on the family and home, Scorpio focuses more on life's nuances and undertones, the secrets behind other's intentions, the power they can wield over other's emotions. Scorpio can take Cancer on a journey beyond the literal surface of things, and Cancer's expansive heart can open Scorpio up to their own emotions, teaching their Scorpio mate that feeling is nothing to fear. Additionally, Scorpio appreciates their Cancer mate's practicality, and Cancer really enjoys Scorpio's jealousy -- it proves that Scorpio really loves and cherishes them.
Cancer is a Cardinal Sign, and Scorpio is a Fixed Sign. Once this couple have a common wish, it will come true. However, if their opinions clash, look out! Cancer will be the first to instigate an argument and Scorpio the last to finish it. Cancer may seem to act as the dominant partner and manage to get their way more often, but that isn't always the truth. Sometimes Scorpio won't even agree to disagree, they just might pretend to give in. Neither Cancer nor Scorpio are beyond using emotional manipulation to get revenge. Rather than letting disagreements and bad feelings boil over, these love partners must discuss what's truly important to them in order to reach an equitable compromise. Once Scorpio and Cancer learn to trust and believe in one another, they can achieve almost anything through sheer determination. This love relationship will only fail if the two partners truly cannot overcome their opinionated, stubborn sides.

What's the best thing about the Cancer-Scorpio love match? Their powerful teamwork when they agree on their goals. When Cancer realizes that Scorpio is there for the long haul and that the partnership is emotionally productive, this relationship can blossom. Their mutual determination makes theirs a relationship of formidable strength.

This is exacally how he is:

Scorpio loves to be mysterious. Scorpio is more secretive and inscrutable. Scorpio is smoldering and intense (and intensely sexual Scorpio can ""win"" through more devious means, such as employing emotional manipulation to get what they want. They are like the volcano not far under the surface of a calm sea, it may burst into eruption at any moment. Their tenacity and willpower are immense, their depth of character and passionate conviction overwhelming, yet they are deeply sensitive and easily moved by their emotions. Their sensitivity, together with a propensity for extreme likes and dislikes make them easily hurt, quick to detect insult or injury to themselves (often when none is intended) and easily aroused to ferocious anger. They relate to fellow workers only as leaders and can be blunt to those they dislike to the point of cruelty. In fact they are not above expressing vindictiveness in deliberate cruelty. They are too demanding, too unforgiving of faults in others, perhaps because they are not aware of the shortcomings within themselves, and extravagantly express their self-disgust in unreasonable resentment against their fellows. They do, however, make excellent friends, provided that their companions do nothing to impugn the honor of which Scorpios are very jealous. Part of the negative side of the Scorpio nature is a tendency to discard friends once they cease to be useful, but the decent native is aware of, and fights this tendency. Scorpio is the symbol of sex and Scorpios are passionate lovers, the most sensually energetic of all the signs.

Still mad at Kevin

FYI I’m still mad at Kevy… just so everybody knows… but more about that later


So yesterday was the 4th of July. Monica and Cora came over and got me high. We sat around stoned playing on my computer till we called Cora’s mom and she came to get us. We got a ride to the parking lot by the Chinese restaurant and then we ran into a bunch of people including Kyle and Kevin, who ignored me but whatever. Kyle could tell that we were stoned and stuff… we gave it away. He kinda got mad at me because I said I was quitting.

FYI – my quitting is defined as… I’m quitting smoking pot when I’m upset to forget what’s making me upset. If I’m mad or upset or something I am not gonna smoke anymore to forget it. I’m still gonna smoke on occasion… for fun… not to feel normal. I do not want to be addicted and dependant. I don’t want to rely on drugs to make me feel good about myself and happy.

Anyways… after we talked to them they walked off down to the waterfront-ish area I’m guessing and we went back to the car and ate McDonald’s. Then we got out of the car and I made them walk with me to Hannaford’s because I had to pee… plus I had the munchies and $3 so I wanted chocolate. I got a big bag of M-n-Ms… yummy!

We walked back across the bridge and sat on those stairs that lead down to the waterfront… the ones off the bridge… you know what I’m talking about. A bunch of Cora’s friends were there and then KK showed up and we walked with her across the bridge a little to see her boyfriend Paul… 3 months Go KK! Also saw Bonnie and her skateboarder boyfriend up on the bridge.

I saw tons of people down there who I never thought I would see again. I saw Lisa, Heather, Erin, Becca, Mike B, Angela, Kiwi, Julie, Honas, Newcomb, Guido, Doug, Megan, Rene, Jena, Corey, Andy, Witney, Laura, Josh G, Josh L, Amy, Amanda, Scottie.... just a ton of people... didn't exacally talk to all of them... but still...

When the fireworks were going off I stood with Kyle and Kevin and Kiwi in that little concrete area above the dock... I was a little jealous of Kiwi when she was all holding onto Kevin while the fireworks were going off... I wish he had been holding me... but there's nothing I can do about that now is there?

Well... I'm done being a loser for now... check back later

He has no right!

Kevin has no right to be mad at me. I was mad at him first. Now he says he hates my fucking guts and hopes I fucking die. Well... ya know what... just because I’m mad at him doesn’t mean I hate him and want him to die. God.

Jen tells me she doesn't want to get in the middle of it when all I called her for was to tell her I wasn't talking to her boyfriend anymore. I just wanted to let her know and she goes blah blah blah bitch bitch bitch blah blah blah... well ya know what fuck her. I just won't call her anymore when I need help.

Ok Jen called me back and I explained to her how I was not trying to stick her in the middle. That I just wanted to let her know that when Kevin calls her I won’t be there to talk to her and when I call her Kevin won’t be here to talk to her so she shouldn’t ask me to let her talk to him… I know she won’t be asking him to talk to me… she never does…

Anyways… I also asked her if I can ask Alicia out again and she said she didn’t care but not to come to her when Alicia breaks my heart again… well I won’t… I don’t plan on letting Alicia play me and break my heart again. Nope!

Justin told me that I make up shit to be mad about. That I am always unjustified and I need to chill out more. He says this is what always made him mad at me back in the day. He says I get mad for no good reason… well ya know what… to me everything I get mad about is a good reason. Or else why would I get mad about it? DAMN!

Kevy’s Song to Me:

I Wanna Be There ~Blessid Union Of Souls

Won't you let me catch your fall
Won't you let me lend a hand
Those lonely eyes have seen it all
But love's too blind to understand

'Cause you don't know what you have
'Til your everything is gone
You need someone to show you how to live again

I wanna be there when you're feelin' high
I wanna be there when you wanna die
I'm gonna light your fire I'm gonna feed your flame
I wanna be there when you go insane
I wanna be there when you're feelin' down
And I'll be there when your head is spinnin' 'round
I'm gonna be your lover gonna be your friend
I wanna be there 'til the end

You wouldn't know that I was there
'Cause I have been there all the time
And if I had my way I'd hold you in my arms
Leave this madness all behind

'Cause you got so much to give
But you throw it all away
And all you got to show for who you are is pain
Well I got so much to give
If you'd only let me in
I'm gonna take the time to show you I'm a friend
You'll believe in love again

I wanna be there in the pouring rain
I wanna be there when you call my name
I'm gonna light your fire I'm gonna feed your flame
I wanna be there when you go insane
I wanna be there when I'm out of town
And when your whole damn world is crashing down
I'm gonna be your lover gonna be your friend
I wanna be there 'til the end yeah

Music Turnaround

'Cause you don't know what you have
'Til your everything is gone
You need someone to show you how to live again
And I got so much to give
If you'd only let me in
I'm gonna take the time to show you I'm a friend
You'll believe again

I wanna be there when your baby cries
I wanna be there when they tell you lies
I'm gonna light your fire I'm gonna feed your flame
I wanna be there when you go insane
I wanna be there when your nights are long
And when you're feelin' like you don't belong
I'm gonna be your lover gonna be your friend
I wanna be there 'til the end

I'm gonna be there in the mornin'
I'm gonna be there in the night
I'm gonna be your lover gonna be your friend
Gonna be there 'til the end yeah

Hmmm...

Well... Kyle being back hasn't changed much... though the welcoming him back was fun... if you know what I mean.

The first night he was back we had a girl over and lets just say she's not my favorite choice of a person to hang out with. Yeah... that was all for the boys. I don't want to hang out with any more little kids... no offence to anyone under the age of 16 but... damn... I have enough little kid friends that I love... I don't need to add any more. I already get made fun of.

The next night Kyle and Kevin slept over Lani's house.... and tonight they're sleeping over Kev's. Today we're going to see Justin. He is so adorable and sweet nowadays. We were talking on the phone and I was telling him about how I'm gonna be moving in with my sister and stuff maybe on Tuesday and I was like "When you get out of Job corps you can come live with me there" and he's like "I don't want to lie with you're sister and her kids. I have a better idea. You and me can get an apartment together"... see so sweet.... gosh... I wish I was still in love with him. I think... I can only be in love with guys who treat me like shit and he finally realized that if he treats me good... like when he took me out to eat and to the movies and stuff... I just can't deal. I need a guy to treat me like shit and then I fall hard for them. What the hell is wrong with me anyways?.... Well... now I love someone new and that person will never find out about this love I hold so deep in my heart.

Lani did Kevin's hair all gothic today. I just about creamed myself when he walked in he looked so fucking hott! I was like "Kevy... ur... rapeable..." I really wanted to.... ohgod... 15 years old... moving on... Kyle looks really hott these days too... what with that lip ring and his sk8er boi hair. Damn.... if it wasn't for that Casey chick back home... I would be all over that lol... j/k... that kids my best friend. I could never... would never... will never... jeesh... I did like him way back when for about 2 weeks but I've gotten over that. I think it makes him sad that my crush on him out of allt he boys was the shortest but hey... that's just the way the cookie crumbles. I mean damn!

Well... it's really late. I need to take a shower and get some sleep... I'm gonna be falling asleep on the ride out to see Justin tomarrow. I get to see my bff!!!!

Oh yeah... when I told Kyle that him and Justin were like this KyleJustin ... yeah that close in the best friends department... he got jealous... well Justin has been there for me the last few times I've needed somebody. Even when I can't tell him why I'm so upset beacuse of my horrid secrets I keep from the world... and Kyle some of them... he still tells me he loves me and that everything will be ok. He holds me and says I'm his best friend when I see him. I really love that boy. He is so my best friend.

Kyle!

Hey everybody<--- sound familiar... Kyle's back... he's actually upstairs sleeping in my bed. I only slept for like 3 hours and then someone called and woke me up. I got online to check Runescape for Justin but he's not on right now. We stayed up forever talking. I missed him so goddamn much! It's so great having him back.

Tonight I guess we're all going to Cathi's house. Yay. Fun fun. I am so tired... I am gonna go back to bed..... I'll just call Justin later. Forget Runescape. Bye all.