hahahahah I worked there... hells yeah....
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for those of you who care... I am no longer a blond.... Laura finally dyed my hair.... though it came out brown rather then black I still like it... I'm just gonna dye it again later... I've decided to become a whole new person and I hope everyone will still like me....
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Jen I love you my beautiful bubble goddess of a best friend...

New Book

I absolutly love to read.... I just finished a book this morning at 6am... it was called Good Girls and it's about this practically straigh-A student who gets a picture taken of her while giving her FWB head.... and the pic is sent around to everyone at her school... I don't wanna give too much away though that's already kinda alot... but it's an awesome book and I'll be putting quotes up soon....
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also I started a new myspace today... a sexy one for me lol... really though it's just gonna have a bunch of hott chicks as my friends instead of my real friends.... ya know... like the people who don't really know me....
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anyways I got to work on that new myspace of mine so... peace out peeps

Green with Envy

Ok... so.... this really cute girl.... who's Bobby's age.... likes him... and all of a sudden I'm jealous again.... why?... why is he so perfect for me and everything I ever wanted in a guy.... but he doesn't like me? Why is this?Why don't any of them like me.... I'm suppose to be a complete lesbian now but I can't help having feelings for him.... and I know he doesn't have feelings for me... who would? I'm all depressed again now because Sam's little friend likes Bobby and he thinks she's cute... which she really is... she's all gothic and such too.... *sighs*... not fair....I want to be over him... I want to be so over anything with a penis.... I mean... I want to be done with it.... why can't I be?... the penis sucks... all it does is hurt me... so why do the people connected to the penis mean so much to me? Why do I get jealous of the penis not wanting me when I say I don't want it.... sighs.... life sucks.... but I'm still scared to die.... whatever.... I need to get laid... too bad I swore off sex as well.... it's this fucking house... that's what it is too.... this house... these people.... Stewart lane.... brings back so many memories and so much pain... I mean some of my best memories took place here too... I mean... this is where I met my best friends... the people who mean the most to me in the world.... Kyle.... Justin.... Kevin.... Jen... Jesy.... Brett.... the only person who means as much to me as they do who I didn't meet on Stewart lane is Tori cause I met her in Iowa and stuff.... now I'm beyond depressed once again thinking about my past and how I'll never see anyone ever again.... I barely ever see Jesy anymore even.... I haven't seen Jen in over a month.... it's been 2 months since I've seen Kyle or Tori and I'll never see them again unless I put forth all the effort to get myself 2,316 miles away from where I am now to Mason CIty to see them... cause god knows Kyle is never coming here again.... what if I never see him again... I haven't talked to him since Sept 14.... that's 13 days since I've talked to my very best friend in the whole wide world... I used to share my everything with him.... and now.... he knows absolutly nothing about me and I know nothing about him anymore... I'm so depressed.... and I'm making myself even more depressed writing this so... I'm gonna stop writing... stop thinking... eat this ceral... download some songs... and work on my collage... I love collages... don't you? dododododododo... no more depressing thoughts.... think of.... um.... happy thoughts.... um.... shoplifting... getting positive.... new clothes, shoes, diaries.... hmm... I am so materialistic.... I need to get rich... without doing much work cause I'm lazy.... yeah.... hmmm.... maybe I need to go to job corps.... Mom told Laura to kick me out and I'd go to job corps... maybe I should just go.... maybe I'll meet someone... and they (job corps) would give me money.... but I wouldn't be able to get high.... and that would suck ass..... but I would have somewhere to live for a little while... but I would miss my baby gaby.... I want my own place.... my own bed.... stuff like that....well I'll keep thinking about it..... peace!
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I even thought she was cute... I mean... I do.... but she is way too young for me.. but she is only one year younger than Bobby.... I don't see why I'm bothering myself with this anyways since he doesn't want me.... he dumped my ass.... *sighs*... I wish I were so beutiful and sexy hott that I could have any guy I wanted... but once I found the guy I want no guy would ever want me anymore and I could be happy.... of course I would have never gotten mixed up with Bobby in the first place if that was the case because I would be happy with Justin right now.... and forever.... but because Justin didn't want me, and Kevin didn't want me, and Jonathan didn't want me, and Corey, Andy, Dustin, Brett, Russell... I mean... none of them wanted me so I eventually found Bobby... and he really is everything I want in a guy... he's punky and kinky and sexy and he can dance and he can sing without sounding bad and he can talk me into anything (Justin, Kyle) and he's a stoner and he holds me when I cry (Kyle) and he makes stupid mean jokes but always says he's sorry and stuff.... just like all the boys... plus he's crazy as fuck... just like Brett... he skateboards and does crazy stunts and he is so funny.... and he can be so goddamn sweet that I melt.... I just... I mean... he's all 4 of the boys combined to make one person.... plus he has excelent taste in music and movies... he might not like everything I like but that can be expected with the whole difference of the sexes and stuff... and I think he's pretty honest with me and he's trustworthy... I know that.... so yeah... I guess he really is everything... and yet he's just too perfect for me... so he apparently is too good for me and goes after somebody else... whatever....

Comments for Kyle?

Kevin said...
you know kyle i have a few opinions with what you should do at this point... i think im gonna go to orino to take culinary arts there. it would not hurt my feelings if we went to coledge together. i mean fuck what the hell is the point of being best friends if we cant enjoy are life together. im going to cony next year to finish off highschool and it would really make my life right now to have you in it. i am about to go through the most trialsome period of my life man and i need you. imean correct me if im wrong but were the hell is your life going down there. now im not telling you you have to do any thing but i just want to remind you that you have options and you sure as hell would be nowhere near as depressed if you were with us. you can tell me i sound like my mom or some shit but i want you to become something and right now it dosent seem to be going that way. i love you man peace!!!

1:21 PM


Kevin said...
and write to jen god damm

12:46 PM


Kevin said...
and correct me if im wrong but those two songs were the ones that we listend to the most when i was down there right. well ill talk to you later peace

12:49 PM


Justin said...
What Kevin said... i want some crack...

1:29 PM


Kevin said...
hey justin if you obtain some crack may i have some please

10:25 AM


***Tiffy ~Jean*** said...
u guys are so stupid.... Kyle is finishing up high school and taking colledge classes right now... then he's going to Hamilton and then some colledge in Des Moines or something... and you would know that if you read my blog Kevin... he's never coming back to Maine to be with you... either of you... and it doesn't all have to do with Tori... this is Kyle's decicion... he wants to be a teacher... you have you dreams and asperations and he has his... and his are gonna be accomplished in Iowa... he's not coming back so stop wasting your time and engery trying to talk him into coming back because he's not gonna... if you wanna see him you have to go to him... and since you said your never gonna do that again then I guess you'll never see him again... sad ain't it... it's sad for me too but I realized as long as he furfills his dreams I'll be happy for him eve if it means I won't see him for a very long time.... I wont let him outta my life that easy... I will go back to Mason for him even if you won't.... well anyways yeah... you would know all kinds of things about Jen and Kyle if you read my blog... hey you might even find out how I'm doing... not that you care... you just said I was your best friend... you didn't mean it... am I right? Well my fucked up little mind is gonna think what it wants to think and it thinks that I love you Kevin... and you too Justin even if you hate me and of course Kyle James Sanchez I love you....

11:11 AM

*****Note***** Did I sound pissed to you... well I was...

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Jen my time is almost over but I am gonna try to make it to the state later tonight.... Laura got a job at Kmart... anyways I'm really sorry I havent written the note yet or whatever but I will later... I hope.... I love you... I will call u though...

hey

yeah so... really I don't have much to say... I've been at this here library posting pictures to my photobucket account for the last.. oh i dont know... 4 or so hours and posting to my blogspot photos as well... surfing around myspace... stuff like that... missing my friends... thinking about the asshole otherwise known as Justin.... thinking about Bobby too... and Kevin.... and Kenny... *sighs* I've also been thinking about what I need in a guy to turn back straight... well maybe not straight because I don't think I will ever be straight again... but... bi at least.... first thing I need in a guy is he need to accept me for who I am and love me reguardless of how much I weigh.... he has to bring me places and tell people we're together... he can't be ashamed of me... can't want to keep everything we do a secret... sure I get that some guys don't like everyone knowing the size of their penis and how good or not good they can work it... but... I mean... I want to be called his girlfriend... in public... and it no guy in the world wants to call me his girlfriend in public... well then... I don't need them... the penis isn't as great as I thought it was... turns out I can live without it... for a while there it was all I thought about... hell it's still kinda all I think about but... there's more to life than sex... it made me feel special but why???? Why did it make me feel special to let some guy take advantage of me and use me and then never want anything to do with me ever again.... why did that make me feel good about myself... the truth is... it didn't... sure it made me feel special at the time but I realized what an ideot I was and what kind of a loser I was to let those things happen to me... because sex really should be saved for someone it will mean something with... I don't regret losing my virginity... I needed to know what all the fuss was about.... but I regret that Rory guy.... and I regret a couple Mason guys.... and I regret a certain cousin of a friend who is a friend and... whatever you get it if ya knwo me.... I mean... I regret it all... I wish I could take it back but I can't... at least I never did get pregnant and I'm pretty sure I'm clear of STD's... I'm gonna get checked again in a little while but I was clean as of my 20th birthday.... 20 years old.... wow... that's like 2 decades.... 2 decades that got me... where... exacally???... Nowhere... I realize that Mason people don't care wheather I'm there or not... and the people here don't give a fuck either so I just have to make it day to day and get by... wake up, go online, eat, sleep, wake up, go online..... continuous... there is nothing more for me and there never will be....... *tears* ... and the saddest thing is... no one cares.... not even the people I care about most... they'll never read this because they no longer care anymore either...
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but Jen... I love you... you are the only thing keeping me going in a world where I think everone has given up on me... your still there for me... everyone else... is g.o.n.e.

Hate

I hate life. I hate boys. I hate him. He didn't tell me. I hate him. I hate boys. I hate lies. I hate hearing them. I hate people who tell them. I hate how people can think they can get away with them. I hate why people don't think I was trained to tell how to read a person. I hate that when they do find out they don't believe me. I hate that they still lie. I hate how when I catch them they fight with me and blame me for it. I hate lies. I hate truth. I hate hearing the truth sometimes. I hate it when it is bad truth. I hate it when it isn't really the truth. I hate it when it has to do with me and it isn't the truth. I hate food. I hate the problem I have with food. I hate eating food. I hate tasting food. I hate seeing people eat food. I hate being the scapegoat. I hate friends. I hate people who pretend to be friends. I hate not having any friends. I hate family. I hate them all. I hate them and it's sad. I hate family. I hate siblings. I hate hypocrites. I hate the fact that I can be one. I hate the fact that I was just being hypocritical right now. I hate how it's okay for two people to do the same thing but only one of them is wrong. I hate hypocrites. I hate somebody. I really hate them. I really, really hate them.I wish I didn't.Actually I don't wish I didn't. I hate her. I really do.


That was my own little spin to something I found on Michelle's site.... Go there!

46 things a girl would die for...

1-touch their waist
2-talk to them
3-share secrets
4-give her your jacket
5-kiss them slowly

are you remembering this?

6-hug her
7-hold her
8-laugh with her
9-invite her somewhere
10-let her be with you when you're with your friends

keep reading

11-smile with her
12-take pics with her
13-pull her onto your lap
14-when she says she loves you more, deny it. fight back
15-when her friends say i love her more than you, deny it. fight back and hug her tight so she cant get to her friends. it makes her feel loved

Are you thinking about someone?

16-always hug her and say i love you when you see her
17-kiss her unexpectedly
18-HUG HER FROM BEHIND AROUND THE WAIST
19-tell her shes beautiful not sexy!
20-tell her the way you feel about her!(u need to show her you mean it too)
21-kiss her on the lips
22-kiss her on her forhead
23-kiss her on top of her head
24-make her feel loved
25-we might deny it but we accutally like and kinda want you to get us things
26-DON'T LIE TO HER.
27-DON'T CHEAT ON HER.
28-take her anywhere she wants
29-txt messege or call her in the morning and tell her have a good day at school, and how much you miss her
30-be there for her when ever she needs you, & even when she doesn't need you, just be there so she'll know that she can always count on you

are you still reading this u better be its important

31. Hold her close when she's cold and she can hold you too.
32. When you are alone hold her close and kiss her.
33. Kiss her on the tip of her nose; (it will give her the hint that you want to kiss).
34. While in the movie, put your arm around her and then she will automatically put her head on your shoulder, then lean in and tilt her chin up and kiss her lightly.
35. Dont ever tell her to leave even jokingly or act like you're mad. If shes upset, comfort her remember this next time you are with her
36. When people diss her, stand up for her.
37. Look deep into her eyes and tell her you love her.
38. Lay down under the stars and put her head on your chest so she can listen to the steady beat of your heart, Link your fingers together while you whisper to her as she rests her eyes and listens to you.
39. When walking next to each other grab her hand.
40. When you hug her hold her in your arms as long as possible
41. Call her at night to wish her sweet dreams.
42. Comfort her when she cries and wipe away her tears.
43. Take her for long walks at night
44. Dedicate a song to her.
45. Always Remind her how much you love her.
46. Sometimes...just argue with her..girls love that...cuz at the end you get to make up

From my tripod site

My Philosophy


Ok.... so I like to tell Justin I don't beleieve in God sometimes... just to wind him up. He gets mad at me every time and it is like so totally adorable. But the truth is I've been going to church every tuesday night (except in summer - cause it closes) since I was 4 years old. I am a christian. I'm not a baptist like Justin but I do believe there is a God.

I also believe in fate. I believe everything happens for a reason and that God has those reasons somewhere. Why he decided to pick on Justin so much I don't know. And why he decided to make me love Justin when Justin obviously doesn't like me back is beyond me. But I know there's a reason for it all. If it wasn't for our past me and Justin wouldn't be so close now.

I would also like to believe that everyone gets reborn as someone else and we all have past lives.... I'm not so sure about this one though so... yeah.

I believe there is someone out there for everyone and when you find that person you want to give up everything for that person. I happen to believe that for me Justin is that person. He doesn't like to think so but maybe in the future he will realize how much he cares for me and we can be together.... until then....

I believe that someone ca be you're very best friend and you can still get annoyed with then when they're around all the damn time! ~ wonder who I'm talking about? Ask me.

Oh my lord

Tori you would absolutely love my outfit... I'm wearing these black faded jeans with black flowers running up the legs and my new pink and black sneakers from Wal-Mart.... other than that I am wearing a white and tan striped tube-top with multiple colored skulls all over it.... red, green, brown, blue and purple.... it has drawstrings on each side to make the side hike up... ya know like with those capri pants.... and then I'm wearing a black and tan and white sweater that is striped and there's a skull with crossbones on each sleve and my socks are black and gray chekered with pink criss-crosses and a pink skull at the top of each sock... and they're knee-highs... oh yeah and a black and white pirate skull headband from wal-mart... this outfit is the bomb... I miss shopping with you so much.... guess what.... today I saw and ugly big black lady on my way to this library here and she reminded me of Delisa and I missed Mason all over again even though I don't like Delisa... she was such a... never mind that.... guess what... you remember that guy I told you about.... Sean's brother Kenny.... well I guess he's going back to Chicago in 2 weeks.... and then back to Florida after that and never coming back here.... I thought I was never gonna see him again before and now I know I will never see him again.... *sighs* I just wish I could have gotten into those pants one time... damn he is fine! My jeans cost $75... but it's ok cause I didn't pay for them.... um... yeah... dododododo... Tori isn't even gonna read this prolly but oh well... everyone else can read it too....
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Jenyfer I LOOOOOOOVVVVVVEEEEEEEE YOUU!
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To Justin:

after all this time..

you'd think i wouldn't feel the same...

but time doesn't stand for anything...

cause my feelings for you haven't changed..

Um.... yeah so... I really have nothing else to say.... myspace rules!

Kyle collage....

For some reason this would not post to my photos blog so here it is... God I miss Kyle:

Yeah

God I am so tired... I'm putting up that collage today.... and some others... I hung out with Bobby the other day... oh I wrote that already... well then... um... I went to Jaylyn's baby shower on Saturday with Bethie... Becca too... me and Beth hung out all friday night at Wal-mart with Russell Hilton... then we went "shopping" all day... going shopping with Bethie made me miss Tori even more than usual.... um... today I went shopping as well... guess what happened... I cried in Barnes and Nobel... I went to the diary section and they had alot of the same ones as B. Dalton down in Mason and tears rolled down my face... Tori (always the perfect team), Rhiannin (Friends With Benefits.... - not me and Rhiannin you sickos... she got me that book lol) Mili (The Baby Countdown), Kevin (Diaries and Porn)... anyways... they had the purple one witht the magnetic cover and they had the red felt one with a heart on the cover and they had the blue and pink "Journal" ones... and it made me miss Mason real bad... I want to go back... I want to see them all again... I mean what did I come back here for.... Jessi... who I'm fighting with and is pregnant and gonna make a life with Luc even though he's a fucking asshole..... all penis' are... sorry Kyle if you read this but anything with a penis is an asshole and deserves to get it cut off... lol.... can you imagine? Um... what else did I come back for... Bobby... yeah well... he means nothing to me anymore... I thought I was falling in love with him and stuff... I admit that but... now I am so over him and anything with a penis it's not even funny... well exsept for Justin cause yall know I'll never be over that... but he still deserves his penis to be cut off... yeah so I've been scorned by men if ya can't tell... I want to start a book... I don't know... it's hard to get the time to write even on here so... um... yeah... there's always Jenyfer... and she is amazing (yes amazing) but I never get to see her and I fear we're growing apart because of this as well and it's hard for me.... I don't know... the only true thing keeping me in Augusta is my baby girl.... Gabby... I love her more than anything... maybe more than I love Kyle in some ways... I cannot leave her.... she's keeping me here... *sighs* well I gotta go anyways so... yeah peace...
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Photos<--- Check it out!

Hey

I'm still depressed over the whole Kyle never coming back thing... and I did make that collage I jsut forgot to send it to my e-mail so I can't really post it... but it is done... and it rocks hard... I got a lot of icons from Michelle Ross's xanga site... she's so cool.... we have the same exact taste in boys....
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anyways I hung out with Bobby all day after he got out of school... I ran into Kenny, and Justin from McDonalds, and Joe and DJ, and I saw Casey McGuire drive by in his car... I kept telling Bobby all the stories about the "Truman show" don't worry Jen and Jes I didn't tell Bobby what it meant I told him to ask you guys when we're all together if that ever happens again... I know the 3 of us will be around each other at the same time some time... but with Bobby... a little harder... anyways.. I just told him my theroy... I don't know why I'm so fucking open with him... why I trust him so much... maybe it's cause of our relationship and how he's the only person who knows my entire body... weird to think of that but we were talking about our most private moments today and... anyways... it was hot... but nothing happened I swear.... god I hope no one weird reads this... maybe I should edit it some more lol... ask what that was about lol...
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anyways yeah I only have a few mins so i need to go check my myspace real quick and I'll update more tomarrow.... Jenyfer I love you to bits!

Pissed Off

Ok let me start off with the fact that I am in a really, really, bad mood.... I am so beyond pissed and depressed and I've decided to say fuck off mormans because I just can't be like that.... I tried... I really did but it just doesn't work for me.... I get depressed too easily... I try to make it so nothing effects me... I'm trying to live life day to day and make the best of it... but how am I suppose to do that when my world keeps falling apart on me? When everyone I know and love leaves me or fights with me on a daily basis.... when my best friend in the entire world in 2,316 miles away from me and is never gonna come see me ever again... never gonna walk down my street and knock on my window with a stick or throw rocks or.... nothing... never even gonna knock on my door ever again.... why do I even think of him still? Why can't I get Kyle outta my head??? The pain of not having him in my life is haunting me more than Justin, Kevin, Tori, and Jen combined and it's not because I don't love them... because believe me... I do.... but... Kyle meant so much to me.... he's my best friend....who I would still give my life for even though I'm scared to die.... I wouldn't do it for anyone else... I'm too scared.... but if it was between me or Kyle..... I would choose to die.... I'm listening to Mr Lonely.... remembering that time I was on the phone with Kyle using Matt's cell and he was singing this song to me.... and I was bawling my eyes out.... and Matt made me say goodbye and get off the phone.... he never sings to me anymore.... we never even talk anymore... so why do I still miss him???? I started to write this all pissed off... I was gonna write about how great my yesterday was and how today I smoked a cigerette for the first time in 3 days... I had 2 drags on Justin's birthday in his honer because he's the one who started me smoking so I took a couple drags ... before that I hadn't had any drags for like 3 days.... anyways I was pissed off and now I'm just sad and depressed and I miss Kyle.... I'm gonna go make a new Kyle collage because I miss him so much... it should be up soon...*sighs*.... well gtg...

Damn!

Damn I had a whole thing written at home and then the comp turned off and I came here hoping to recover it but it wouldn't so I lost everything...
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Jen I'm sorry what I wrote hurt you... I love you and i never want to hurt you... ever!
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I got to talk to Justin for 42 minets this morning... and then I got to talk to kyle eventually.... and then I 3 wayed so they could talk to each other... and then I talked to Kyle for a while on his own... guess what.... he is never coming back.... I always knew it... I just didn't want to believe it until he told me straightout that he's not coming back... at least not for 7 years and then we'll have grown apart so much... he's going to school and working full time and he's starting colledge classes because he wants to become a colledge math professer.... Jusitn is in colledge for buisness management or something like that.... and he wants to sell real estate.... everyone else is pulling their lives together ... I think I'm gonna go to job corps.... it's my only hope my mom says... but the truth is... I don't know what I'd go their for... I really have no interest in anything anymore... I like to type on my blog... what kind of job can I do that involves typing on my blog???? Nothing... well I gots other stuff to do.... so... HAPPY BIRTHDAY JUSTIN DAVID TILKINS!!!

Georgia Nicholson is my hero

I gotta learn to not go back and read old blog entries.... I just made myself so depressed... reading about a time when I was suisidal and tried to drown myself... it was right after Kyle had left and.... anyways... Angelina moived in with us on Aug 6th... how do you explain that one Kev????... you said it was while she was living with us and she moved in with us on August 6th making it after you and Jen closed the relationship.... you know why this is stuck in my head Kevin.... it wouldn't have been such a big deal in my head if you hadn't made such a point of dumping me as ur FWB because the relationship with Jen was closed.... you can do stuff with Angelina with a closed relationship but not with me...that's why I'm so stuck on this... and Jen if you read this I'm sorry.... I know it's wrong of me to still want to do stuff with him when you guys had a closed relationship but I did and he turned me down.... that's why at first I never believed he would cheat on you... I didn't believe him about Angelina at first... I thought he was making it up.... but why wouldn't he deny it after he got in so much trouble for it if it were just made up... am I confusing anyone?.... cause I'm confusing myself...
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I am in such a better mood these days then I was way back when... I mean... I still have absolutly nothing going for me.... Justin still hates me.... Jes is still locked up... Jen is still just outta reach and Kyle thinks everything and it's brother anything is more important than me but... I'm still in such a better mood... as long as I'm alone with a computer and I see my little baby's face everyday and hear her say she loves me... I feel better...maybe it's this whole morman thing... I'm not letting things get to me the way they used to... maybe it's the fact that I got to eat yesterday for the first time in like a month... I mean real food not snack cakes or something... and I'm exercising which means I'll be losing weight... I'll be skinny in no time riding back and forth between here and Laura's and the libraries and stores and such... not smoking... maybe that's it... this is the third day no cigerettes... yay me... I've been trying to quit for 5 days now and haven't had even a drag off one in 3 days.... plus I turned down Bobby.... he didn't turn me down... I turned him down... I still like him and all but I realize he is way too young for me and immature and I just can't deal with that... it was fun whiles it lasted but it's over now and I am so moving on... all of a sudden I want a job... I want to get a place for me and Jesy so she can get away from that asshole baby's daddy of hers... Jes and me can raise the baby ourselves... I hope its a girl.... The fact that Brett has a girlfriend once again isn't even getting to me... so what if I can't get any from him lol.... I'm celebit... at least for now... at least for a while... I don't wanna have sex... it makes me develop these weird feelings and I hate feelings... I was gonna try with Kenny but when my ankel looked all retarded and bloodly I was like... what is the point? I mean really???? I am so turning my life around... I will be happy eventually... I'm not saying I'm happy now... don't think that... I'm just not as depressed as I once was... I'm proud of myself and that's making me feel better because... if I can quit smoking... maybe I can quit with the overeating and I can keep up with the exercize and not cutting... it's been like awhile since I've cut too... like a long while... my ankel is all healed up... still discoloured but healed...
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and of course I still miss all my friends.... the Iowaians and the Houtenians and the Norregewockians (lol) I do miss them... I always will but it's a new kind of missing... I don't really know how to explain it but... lets start with Kyle... he may ignore me and think some dumb movie is more important then talking to his besty friend but ya know what I don't care anymore... I know I love him... the way he was and the way he is and he can do whatever he wants because if it makes him happy to watch some stupid movie instead of talk to me on the phone... well then... let him be happy... why should I get my knickers in a bunch over it.... sorry I read Confessions of Georgia Nicholsen all night lol... I've been reading a lot lately too... I read Startled By His Furry Shorts and I read The Earth, My Butt and Other Big Round Things and I read Keeping You A Secret and... so many books... Georgia makes me happy... I luuuuurrrrrrve her as she would say.... has anyone read those books???... Angus, Thongs, and Full-Frontal Snogging? On the Bright Side, I'm Now the Girlfriend of a Sex God? Knocked Out By My Nugga-Nuggas? Dancing In My Nuddy Pants? Away Laughing On A Fast Camel? And Then He Ate My Boy Entrancers? or obviously Startled By His Furry Shorts? Georgia is so cool and funny and awesome-ish.... vair vair amusing... everyone should read her books....
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Why am I in such a good mood when everything is bad... maybe it's my bike... I absolutely love my bike... except the seat cause it hurts my bum-oley(GN) but it gets me places so much quicker and like going downhill is the most amazing thrill ever.... I love it.... though I do wish I had a car and could drive... that would be nice... then I would drive to Houlten for Justin's birthday whether he wanted me there or not... and I would drive to Manchester to pick up Jessi and I would drive to Gardnier to see Brett and I would go to Norredgewock to see Jenyfer and of course I would kidnapp them all and drive to Mason City.... that is... if I had my licence and a car.... but... since I have niether one of these things... it looks like I am stuck in disgusta for the remainder of my days screaming "help! help! I'm drowning in toxic sludge help!" lol.... more GN... lol... I lvoe the way she talks.... like "mad" and "Loons" and "nugga-nuggas"... also of course "snogging"... can you believe that means kissing? lol.... hahahaha jeesh... and we live in Hamburger-a-gogo land... aka America.... lol... I really like those books....
*yawn* I'm playing solitaire... I love it... really I do... but *yawn* it gets boring after a while.... plus I really must be going.... posting this and riding my bike to the library to post pics on photobucket which is vair vair amazing! yes I did say amazing... it just doesn't have the same affect on me these days...no one has been amazed by me lately and I probably won't amaze anyone anytime soon... that is included in my celebitcy(sp?)... *sighs*
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Well I believe that is all for now... I must say goodbye cruel world lol...(GN is awesome!)

I'm doing good

ok since I decided to quit smoking:
1st day - 1 drag
2nd day - 3 drags
3rd day - 3 drags
4th day - none
so far today - none


Yay for me... I'm lightheaded all the time now though it's kinda weird... Kevin is quitting for real on his birthday in November....
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um... I met a new guy I kinda like... his name is Derek and he has a car and his licence... he has his own apartment and a job... he used to be a volenteer firefighter and he lives in Manchester... Monica, Cora, and me met him a couple days ago in the Wal-mart parking lot and he smoked us up then we went drivng around the somerhaven pits... it was cool.... I got some awesome new clothes that day... the shirt I'm wearing now which is cute and pink and frilly and then this black lacey-type shirt from Lane Bryant.. and some "sexy kitty" underware... awesome!
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anyways... yeah... then I saw Bobby... um... Staurday night... the derek thing was friday night... um... yeah... ya know how I told everybody I was morman and giving up sex and stuf... and well... I resisted... I'm so proud of myself... you thought I would give in didn't you???? Well I didn't.... and he did try... I hoped he would... but I turned him down... *happy dance*..... yay me... go me...
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anyways... I've decided to not exacally be a morman just fallow some of their ideas and stuff... I'm gonna make up my own religion so I can make up my own decisions about god and such.... but I'm also gonna try to live a good life but have fun at the same time... and I'm definatly not smoking again... I think I'm doing good and whats the point of wasting my life blackening my lungs when I dont even get high from it or anything so whats the point??? right???... right!
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well thats it I guess... for now... hahahahahaha... blah... boring.... Tori I love you... you'd better read this since I know your online right now... ok I just checked and ur not online anymore but I love you anyways....
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Gabby syas hi to Kyle... she's here with me at the library...
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Justin's birthday is in 3 days... he'll be legal... it sucks that once again I will be far away from him for his birthday and stuff... well Happy Birthday to my one true love... I love you as much today as I ever have and I always will...

Brett's new woman

ga-er.... I finally got around to calling Brett and guess what... he has a girlfriend... that sucks.... tomarrow is the day... I am giving up sex until marrige starting tomarrow... this includes everything besides kissing... and I can't be with girls anymore... I can't smoke or drink or anything.... I'm gonna try to be a good morman girl... I'm exercizing and I quit smoking and I'm eating good so hopefully I will lose weight and stuff... I'm gonna try to live a good happy life from now on... I'm not gonna dwell on the past and what I lost... I'm gonna be ok....

I have like 5 mins

so really quick.... I'll be on later but just know that today I watched the Kyle movie and realized how not in love I am with him.... I repeat "NOT IN LOVE WITH KYLE".... I love him... but I am not in love... thank god... though I do miss him... and Kev... and Justin... Jen... Jesy... Brett... everyone on that damn tape lol....

Kimberly and my new outlook on life

I'm having Bobby withdrawl... I can't think of anything but him... I keep putting on ICP and I made a collage of him, plus there's this thing on the computer now where I go "Um... Bobby I love you" and he's like "I love you too Tiff" and so I go "and I still have 15 secounds to record" (respect the fact that I love to kill....) so he goes "that's awesome" in the sexiest voice ever (he sounds like Adam Brody from Grind)... now anytime I say "that's awesome" I think of him... and I've been saying that for months.... jeesh... anyways then I say "Bobby" andhe's like "what?" and I go "you're so sexy" and he waits a little and says "I know" and then he like freaked out because anyone who heard that would think he's conceited but he's not concieted.... he just knows that to me he's "so sexy" so that's why he said that....goddamn he is fine...
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ok new topic... Bobby Booby Bobby... NO BAD TIFFY! I went to the PCD/BEP concert with Sam last night.... Kimberly is so fucking hott... I would love do do so many nasty things to her... it's ok though because believe me she'd like it... I would definatly loosen up her buttons... ashley's too... nicole's... maybe melody's... maybe Jessica's but definatly not Carmit's... she is so ugly... whatever... "Hey Kimberly" ,"Yeah" ,"You think you're freaky?", "yeah", "You think you're sexy?", "Yeah", "well show us what you got"...... "she showed you what she got".... hott as hell... Fergie wasn't bad either except for she forgot some of the words to My Humps... and they were recording it to make a DVD... poor Fergie....it was hott when she beat Will.I.Am.'s butt!... and did you know that "Oh Snap" is suppose to be "Oh Shit"... weird... I like "Oh Snap" better anyways....
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Bobby Bobby Bobby.... do do do do do.... blah blah blah blah... bored.... oh well....
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Jenyfer I love you!.... everyone else too of course but Jen.... I love you...


here's a letter I wrote to tori on myspace... this explains alot:
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hey hunny guess what... I have turned into a prep... yep its sad I know... I quit smoking cigerettes... not gonna give up positive quite yet... and I've given up sex until I'm married.... yeah can you believe it... I want to be clean... I'm gonna bleach my teeth and stuff... they're turning yellow and that's so nasty.... um... I wanna give up stealing but... I'm so poor right now ya know... anyways... guess what... I also decided I want to semi-fallow the morman religion... that's what brought about this whole thing... I told you about the whole death scaring me thing right? if I haven't then after reading this you should go read my blog because I right about it all the time... the other night when I called I wanted to talk to you about it but movie are obviously more important to you and Kyle than I am... that must have been some hell of a movie... you guys know I can't call very often anymore now that I don't have a cell phone... whatever... I still love you and Kyle even though he made me cry the other night when he chose a movie over me... ya know I have always dropped everything to talk to him... anyways I also took up the idea that I wanna be happy... no matter what... I mean some things are obviously still gonna get to me but.... yeah... well I just wanted to tell you I love you and stuff.... tell you whats going on in my life... yeah... and I'm gonna try to give up swearing... that is gonna be a hard one... oh and cutting... it's been a while now... like a week or so... but you should have seen it... remember how gross my ankel was in Iowa... well... yeah... worse... and it hurt like crazy!.... Boys suck... lesbians forever... lol... I wonder if mormans are allowed to be lesbians... I have to look all this stuff up but I keep going on and on and stuff so bye luv you

So tired... I am so tired... yeah so... boy am I tired... anyways... I didn't get my pretty prom dress... I figured I really never would wear it.... so I didn't buy it... was I really suppose to rely on Bobby... I mean come on.... Sean and Kenny got into a fight with soda at Laura's house while I was shopping... Tori you wanna hear the most awesomest thing..... I walked into K-mart in a skirt and walked out in pants and they didn't even notice... and I got Justin's birthday present... spongebob boxers of course (Spongebob is winking) and a spongebob card, stickers, a towel, mechanical pencils and regular pencils... all Spongebob for Justin... no I just have to mail it to him... wow he will be 18... I've know him since he was 14 years old... that's like 4 years or something... wow... I still think of him everyday... he's always my last thought before drifting off to sleep and usually my first thought when I wake up... *sighs*...why do I still love him after all this time and all the heartache and all the pain he's put me through????? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? In other news I called Kyle, well actually I called Tori... and they were watching a really important movie or something... most important than thier best friend who would drop everything if one of them called... their best friend who doesn't have a cell phone anymore and hasn't talked to either of them in a long while... that best friend... their best friend who crys listening to Lips of An Angel thinking about them... more about Kyle than Tori on that one but still... I considered cutting once again... I want to have someone be proud of me for not doing it... but Kyle wouldn't even talk to me... I even tried explaing to him how I can only call every once and a while when Nick is at Laura's which isn't very often and that he was leaving and taking the phone with him when he left and Kyle didn't care... what kind of a best friend is that... I need him to be there for me and he's not anymore... I've lost him completely it seems.... and I don't even consider Sean or Bobby anymore.... Lee hangs out more with Laura then with me... That leaves Justin (who hates me) Kevin (who loves me but hates talking on the phone and hates me crying and shit even more) and Kyle (who thinks movies, *positive,* and well basically anything else that happens to be going on is more important then me needing him) I knew when I got back that I should have just forgotten about Iowa... forgotten Kyle and how much I love him because all loving him does is hurt me... all loving Justin does is hurt me... all loving Kevin does is hurt me.... all boys do is hurt me and now I'm crying again.... Justin, Kevin, Kyle, Sean, Bobby, Brett... they are all the same.... they all used me and when I really need soemone.... none of them are there for me... if I wasn't so scared of death I would so kill myself. Why did Laura have to go and read me that mormon book? Now I'm depressed and scared instead of before when I was only depressed. Why does Kyle have to be like this??? Is it because I think somewhere deep down I'm in love with you and I just don't realize it so your trying to make it so I'm not... you of all people should know that won't work... I mean look how Justin treats me and I still love him... and I don't think I'm in love with you Kyle... I know that you mean alot to me... and to everyone else it seems like I'm in love with you... but if I don't feel it.... how can I be????Well I'm done for now.. I gotta get a little sleep... gaaa
Bobby just called Nick in the middle of the night... he never called me in the middle of the night when I had the cell phone... *sighs*.... I don't really remember him ever calling me... I called him sometimes.... whatever....boys suck
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last night or well friday night I asked Kenny is I had "a chance in hell" and he said "no, not really"... he said he didn't want to hurt my feelings but he thinks of me only as a friend....*sighs* Do you see why I should just give up???? Guys are worthless... except for Kyle.... he has worth.... or well... ya know what I mean....
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I tried calling him tonight but forgot to call back.... damn! I do miss him.... damn!
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I got to talk to Tori the other night... her mom saw my pics online of us getting *positive* and freaked out and grounded her I guess... that sucks... I feel like it's my fault (and it is) even though she says it's not
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Jesy has moved to the Scandinavian Inn with Luke.... at least she's not long-distance anymore so that's a good thing
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um... anyways I'm wicked tired cause it's 8:36am now and stuff... and I haven't slept or anything... so... 'night

Gahhh

I keep getting all dressed up for nothing.... last night I walked over there and they were asleep... I'm just about to give up alltogether.... I got Tori in trouble because of the pics of her getting positive on my site... damn that sucks... I didn't think her parents would ever look at my site... I mean... weird right???
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Last night I listened to sad Kyle music and I didn't cry.... or cut... I am so proud of myself... I just sat there and wrote him a letter... not a 10 page repeating the same thing and crying type letter but a short one about religion and life and stuff... of course I told him I love him and miss him too...
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I have 7 tattos... a heart locket for Justin.... he has the key to my heart, cherries for Kevin, Love in Japenese for Kyle, a rose for Jen, a crazy stoner looking happy face for Brett, a band of butterflys around my wrist for Jesy and Chad Micheal Murray (lol) for Jaylyn... I had a Kelly CLarkson one on my hand but I messed it up sleeping... it was suppose to symbolize Tori... damn! Oh yeah they're all fake if you didn't guess that by now... it's cool
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well... I'm done... love those I love

Here it is

In print... why Kyle is my best friend and I love him so much.... he posted this comment to me once:


yea! you tell them tiffy. And you should post as much mean stuff about me as possible. Cuz i bet that if you took every mean thing ive done to you you'd at least get 2 sentences worth. But its all good you could call me a good-for-nothing wetback and id still love you so get over it.

"I'm fixin to bust you in your grill dawg!"

"my grill, is there a bar-b-que or something?"
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Posted by mexican to Tiffy Jean at 6/6/2005 04:13:36 PM


You see... that is why.... there really used to be about 2 sentances worth... now there are volumes of stuff that made me cry that I could bitch about but ya know what... my new outlook on life is... it sucks but I gotta try to get by.... I'm not fighting with anyone anymore... it's not worth it... I could die today and what would be the point.... anyways I've decided even though I am still in love with Justin I am going to stop trying... last night I dressed up as cute as I could and went to see a guy and he didn't even notice... he sat there and played video games so why should I bother... maybe I should be celebit too... it's not like I've gotten any... in a week... oh wait damn it.... tuesday.... well... it's been a few days anyways... and I'm not getting the right person... it's not even like I wanna date this guy I dressed up for... even though he is my own age (yay for that) I can't date him because even though he is wicked hott I know for a fact that he is an asshole!!! Straight Up! He is a certified asshole!!!!! Anyways... yeah... wow that was way off topic... lol...
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I found another comment that makes me relize how much I love Kyle:

hey michaela...shut the hell up. Ain't noone gonana love tiffy more then me. You don't know half the shit i know. And when i get back up there i'm gonna whip out the one eyed spittin dragon and slap you with it. PEACE!!!

--Posted by mexican to Tiffy Jean at 5/31/2005 07:00:40 AM
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God I miss him.... I may never see him again... but Laura did get that job... so maybe I will see him in November... I hope... Kayla says it's ok if Gaby comes... so that means I need to take a plane... a bus is such a waste of time... but a plane is so expensive... at least Gaby could come for free cause she's under 12... hmmm.... Jen wants to see if she can pass for under 12 lol... but I seriously dont think thats gonna happen so I'm not gonna bother to ask Kayla... yeah... I really hope I get to go... I want to be with Kyle every Thanksgiving for the rest of my life no matter how far apart we are from each other... if I make it this year then it will be 3 years in a row spent with Kyle... never Halloween... 2 Thanksgiving.... 1 Christmas, no easter, 2 4th of July, 2 my birthday, 1 his birthday, 1 Justin's birthday, 1 Kevin's birthday, 2 Thanksgiving this year would be 3.... holidays are wonderful are they not... NO THEY ARE NOT!!!! Holidays suck so much... I spend every birthday crying... Thanksgiving I always get sick, someone always fights on Chritmas...
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anyways the library is closing so I gotta go... write more toamrrow maybe... no that anyone cares but I like to write it calms me down some....