Messages that explain a lot.... *some edits*

My moms got evicted and we couldnt find a place in time so we put everything into a storage shed and she went to live with a friend in windsor with Sam and her friends 3 kids.... then nick went to stay with a guy he knows from work.... leaving me the only one without somewhere to go.... it sux... and yea so i started dating him figuring I can be myself completely because if he turns me down its not like bobby where i'll be all heartbroken and shit... but i dont know... hes already buggin... when we got high last night he got all retarded and I'm kinda a smart high person I like to chill and think about shit and all he could think about was kitties... i was like... wut? and like I dont know... ok... ya know like... how when you get into a new relationship you just wanna kiss them all the time... well... he'd rather play video games then kiss me... and like... I dont care what happens between us so if i'm gonna be with him I want it to be perfect.... we have a lot of other stuff in common but hes a video game geek and I hate video games... I cant stand dogs but he loves them.... Bobby hates video games and pets... just like me.... I dont know... I'm still so hung up on Bobby but I know things arent gonna change and hes not gonna love me no matter how much he flirts with me and shit in front of people when we get alone he like changes and turns me down... hes always messing with my head and my heart is so broken it hurts.... love sux... I just wanna move on but I so dont think I can yet... have I confused you yet lol.... I have this feeling that Friday I'm gonna be on the streets again... If I dont have $67 on friday I have to find somewhere else to go.... I'm pretty much fucked because even if i got a job I wouldnt have that first paycheck by friday... no way.... so I dont know why I even bother.... and like seriosly(sp?) Nate's gf stays up on the couch all nite which is where Im suppose to be sleeping and she finally goes to sleep then Nate wakes me up like at 8am to go searching for a job - because employers wanna hire someone who looks like their dead tired - and its like I'm so exahausted how can I be expected to do anything... and like I have no money left so in turn I have no food.... so my tummy is always growling.... that will look good to potential bosses too right? Of course it will... I'd definally hire the chick who looks like shes so hungry she'll eat everything in the store and then pass the fuck out on the counter.... I would... of course... wouldn't you.... I mean come on.... NO ONE will hire me like this.... whats the point... I need to sleep and eat and feel refreshed and happy and peppy to get a job... I just dont have it in me to act like that so.... I dont know what to do... i think this message is long enough though lol so... yea... write back....

Bobby got out on Friday... I practically thru myself at him on Saturday.... and he turned me down... I like started crying and stuff... it was so embarrassing... I really thought he was changed in there... I thought he respected me for being loyal to him the whole time he was with another woman... the whole time he was in jail... I was a good girl and I thought he loved me for that... he said he did... but then he got out and nothing changed expect we're friends again... we werent even friends when he went in... so i guess thats good that were friends again but I still love him so much and I was so looking forward to a life with him in it... ya know... I was willing to do anything for him... i'll get a job and apartment and licence and car... I'm fucking scared of driving but I wanted to be perfect for him... I mean seirously.... its not like hes the greatest catch or something... he doesnt drive and lives with his mommy... he doesnt have a job and its gonna be really hard for him to get one with 5 felony charges on his record... he should appreciate the fact that I still wanna be with him... I love him so much Im willing to accept that.... he doesnt even realize how good I would be to him... I would change everything.... anything... for him... and he doesnt even care.. I hate boys... and my eyes are wet... damn.....

Visited Bobby in Jail

So last night I went to see Bobby in jail... At first he was kinda pissed.... of all people, he said, he didn't expect to see me.... He was like "What the fuck! Why did you come to see me?" but he calmed down and we actually had a pretty good conversation... lots of laughs and memories... it was sweet... He said he should have dated me instead of Chrystal... he hates me still but at least I didn't get Prego... I was like "I did get Prego" and he's like "yea but ur smart enough to abort it" and I was like "I didn't abort it, I had a miscarriage asshole!" lol.... I musta called him an asshole like 4 or 5 times... it was awesome... I missed him... He also said that the only reason he didn’t date me was because of what other people thought, but fuck what other people think, at least I love him enough to go visit him.... that’s what he said "At least you really love me, enough to come visit me" apparently Chrystal's only gone to see him twice... by the way she talks I thought she had seen him a bunch of times... but no... And he's proud of me for being celibate for 8 months ... he's like "Chrystal's out there being a little whore" and I'm like "She's only with Josh" He also said he's gonna call me up when he gets out so we can screw around lol... who knows if that’s the truth or not but.... yea... I'd be up for it... he's like "I haven't gotten laid in 3 and a half months" because apparently he stopped fucking Chrystal before they even got in that fight... so yea... I might get some lol... prolly not but ya never know... and when we were talking about the past he told me I was good in bed... *smile*... yay.... hmmm... and I told him what Leah said about Chrystal using Josh until Bobby gets out and he’s like "yea but I ain't taking her back" and "I hope she catches AIDS" and I'm like... that's not very nice and he's like "I don't give a fuck, I do"... We talked about our past sex life and everything… it was sweet… he said he was done with all his friends because none of them will come visit him and I was like “I ran into pickle, he might come visit you” and he goes “If Pickle comes to see me I will break through this glass and rip his head off” lol… the people who shared the visiting room with me knew Bobby too and they knew Pickle weirdly… lol… yea so… I can’t wait till he gets out… he can’t smoke or drink or anything for 2 years… he’s gonna be on probation and shit so… he’s like “when you get home smoke a fattie for me” and I was like “I will.” By the end of the visit he was happy I came… he’s like “thanx for getting me outta my room for an hour” lol


P.S. His piercing's havent healed up... he uses pieces of a comb to keep his nipples open and a rubber pencil for his ear.... he showed me his nipples.....

P.S.S. I guess Chrystal still loves him.... but I still love him too... and he hates both of us... so IDK... it's up to him I guess... he can either decided to go back to her or he can be with me... I just want him to be happy... and if for some reason he changes his mind about her and wants to be with her again then... yeah I'll be jealous once again but.... *sighs* I'll have to deal like I did before... It hurts but thats life right?