Hello everybody

Hi everyone who reads this.... NaToni, Justin, Tori, Kyle, sometimes Jen, Jessi, and Mike.... what's up?.... yeah so here I am at the library... my alarm on my phone went off about 40 minets ago to remind me that Justin loves me.... (Justin reminds me at noon - Jen everyday at 4:20 reminds me she loves me) the guy sitting next to me said my alarm was interesting lol... I forgot to put my phone on silence.... um... yesterday wasn't very eventful... I still haven't talked to Kyle and last night I was laying in bed missing him like crazy... Tori too... I haven't talked to either one of them in a long time... I really wish I lived there.... like... I love Justin and Kevin and Jen and everyone up here too... but... Justin's going to Houlten soon... he's not staying in Aigusta with his Auntie Kim anymore and... I don't know... if it weren't for school.... I miss them all so much....
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On to a happier note.... I might be going to Jen's this weekend... oh oh oh she's my valentine... yep.... I asked her and she said yes. Last year Kiwi was my valentine.... Justin said he was gonna ask me last year but he couldn't get ahold of me... you said it Justin... you really did... I was thinking about that yesterday... when I visited your grandmothers with you last year the weekend after Valentine's day... god it's been almost a year since then... time is going by so slow and yet so fast at the same time... I had almost never been with your brother back then... alomost, lol... and I definatly still loved you Justin... I loved you so much.... I still love you... too bad it's not in the same way as I did back then... sometimes I wish I still were in love with you... but then I think of Kevin and the way he makes me feel and I realize it's better this way... even if Kevin doesn't love me back either.... I needed to get over you Justin David Tilkins... it's a good thing Kevin helped me do just that. I love you Justin....
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Now that I'm done talking to Justin... what's up everybody else lol... um... yeah... guess what... this morning I was laying in bed an I had a random memory of the boys... the time they all attacked me and started air humping me and I feel to the ground laughing before they would stop... lol... good times... I hope that someday we can all have fun together like that again... I also had some othe random memory about them but I can't remember it now... I'm sure I'll remember it again soon... but now... forgive me for being a pot-head and having no short-term memory.
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Oh... wanna know something weird... yesterday I went to Shaw's and was looking at a magazine, just flipping through ya know and I came across a picture of Jesse McCartney whom I used to be totally obsessed with and I looked at him and thought... he's not half as gorgeous as Kevin... GOD I used to be obsessed.... I still can't seem to throw away my binders that I've had since I was like 8 but... I realized I stopped caring... I like Kevin... who's a real person... more then I care about celebrities... I only watch tv when I'm absolutly sure there's nothing better I could be doing... I don't care about any of that stuff anymore... it's like Kevin gave me a better life... like... I don't know... when I started hanging around the boys 24/7 I stopped caring about everything I had cared about before... the only thing I still have is music... and that's because you listen to music while doing anything... I guess I still care a lot about the internet... but that's only because I know Justin and Kyle will read this... of course my other friends to... but like... my life revolves around my friend and not the television set and celebrities anymore... my mom says I've "grown up"... I need a new job...
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yay justin's online!!!!!!

Chat with Justin - hilarious

seeker of choas: hello
seeker of choas: talk to me
Tiffy 3787: hello
Tiffy 3787: i love you
seeker of choas: i love you too
seeker of choas: how are you
Tiffy 3787: awe
Tiffy 3787: whats up
Tiffy 3787: ok
seeker of choas: runescape...
Tiffy 3787: did u try to call me last night
seeker of choas: but by the time you called back my window of opertunity was closed
Tiffy 3787: oh
Tiffy 3787: i was at the library
seeker of choas: there has to be a really cool staff working for me to be able to talk to you
Tiffy 3787: i noticed the weird number so i was going outside to answer the phone
seeker of choas: ohh
Tiffy 3787: but you hung up as i was opening my phone it stopped vibrarting
seeker of choas: i didnt know you called back so soon
Tiffy 3787: huh?
seeker of choas: i didnt hear you called back till like and hour and a half later
Tiffy 3787: oh
seeker of choas: god i love runescape
seeker of choas: ...
seeker of choas: so your getting your own place then
seeker of choas: that is awesome
Tiffy 3787: yeah soon as i get a job
Tiffy 3787: when laura gets her income tax she wants to move to arizona
seeker of choas: and i can come move in with you??
Tiffy 3787: and i dont want to move back into my moms
seeker of choas: why arizona?
Tiffy 3787: of course
seeker of choas: i love you
Tiffy 3787: because she like it hot and humid she says
Tiffy 3787: i love you too
seeker of choas: hmm
Tiffy 3787: i am so putting this convo on my blog
seeker of choas: ok...
Tiffy 3787: ur so adorable
seeker of choas: lol
Tiffy 3787: i put more pics up ya know
seeker of choas: did you
Tiffy 3787: yep
seeker of choas: i just got 2 half keys in a row and i have one in the bank
seeker of choas: did you take the bad ones off?
Tiffy 3787: the one of you looking like the grinch yes
Tiffy 3787: the one twisting your hair
Tiffy 3787: no
seeker of choas: and the adidas
Tiffy 3787: what addidas?
seeker of choas: the one call addidas
seeker of choas: called
Tiffy 3787: hmmm???
Tiffy 3787: probably not lol
seeker of choas: you siad it looked stupid too
seeker of choas: i meen even you siad it looked stupid
Tiffy 3787: oh
Tiffy 3787: the one on the iowa cd???
Tiffy 3787: or well u wouldnt know
Tiffy 3787: would you
seeker of choas: i cant wait tiff thursday im out of here forever
Tiffy 3787: um
Tiffy 3787: yeah
Tiffy 3787: but i still wont get to see you
Tiffy 3787: or talk to you
seeker of choas: ya you will
Tiffy 3787: i never talk to kevin
seeker of choas: more often than you do when im here
Tiffy 3787: ur moms phone is always dying and needs to be charged
Tiffy 3787: all the time
seeker of choas: i think thats just an excuse.. but dont quote me..
Tiffy 3787: well she tells me that shell have kevin call me back and then he doesnt so ive given up
seeker of choas: lol guess who i talked to on myspace
Tiffy 3787: who?
seeker of choas: shawn robbins
Tiffy 3787: lol
Tiffy 3787: why?
seeker of choas: i didnt know who he was and he first asked me if i was going for the scruffy gangsta looks
seeker of choas: look
Tiffy 3787: lol
seeker of choas: and i said im going for the i dont give a fuck look.. hows it working out
Tiffy 3787: lol
seeker of choas: and he said somthing
seeker of choas: and i said somthing like ill break your fucking nose
Tiffy 3787: lol
seeker of choas: and i asked him who he was
seeker of choas: and he siad like mc dro or somthing
Tiffy 3787: mc dro is shawn robbins?
seeker of choas: and then he said he was shawn robbins and he already beat my ass once
seeker of choas: and i said i bet you cant do it twice bitch
Tiffy 3787: lol
seeker of choas: and then he just said today that he wasnt that worried about it and somthing about he has boys he could sick on me if he really wanted to
seeker of choas: lol
Tiffy 3787: fuck him
Tiffy 3787: lol
seeker of choas: god same ol shit
seeker of choas: different day
Tiffy 3787: yeah
seeker of choas: i was impressed i thought hed say he wanted to fight me
seeker of choas: guess i look more intimidating with facial hair or somthing
Tiffy 3787: lol
Tiffy 3787: yeah
Tiffy 3787: u do
seeker of choas: hmm
seeker of choas: tiff i love you
Tiffy 3787: i love you too
Tiffy 3787: lots and lots
seeker of choas: really?
Tiffy 3787: yep
Tiffy 3787: ur my bestest friend
seeker of choas: cool your my bestest friend too
seeker of choas: i want a dragon half shield..
Tiffy 3787: sorry dont got one
seeker of choas: of course you dont
seeker of choas: what are you good for danm
seeker of choas: im just playing
Tiffy 3787: lol
seeker of choas: you know i love you
Tiffy 3787: i know
Tiffy 3787: and i you
Tiffy 3787: my dear
Tiffy 3787: lol
seeker of choas: danmit tiff go get your own place
seeker of choas: ok hunnypie
Tiffy 3787: i've gotta get a new job first
seeker of choas: shnookums
Tiffy 3787: im down to $240
Tiffy 3787: lol
Tiffy 3787: shnookums????
Tiffy 3787: lol
seeker of choas: 240 jesus
seeker of choas: get your ass on the corner
seeker of choas: i need that money
Tiffy 3787: lol
seeker of choas: when kyle was on the corner i could get that in a day
Tiffy 3787: only 1 guy has taken me up on that offer and he didnt pay lol
Tiffy 3787: kyle
Tiffy 3787: of course
Tiffy 3787: hes gorgeous
Tiffy 3787: and it only taken him like 2 minets to get off
seeker of choas: no no if a guy sees you on the corner he'll stop
seeker of choas: come on now thats not fair to critisize
seeker of choas: im only up to 45 seconds
Tiffy 3787: if he charged a dollar each time he could make that in like 4 hours
Tiffy 3787: lol
seeker of choas: lol
seeker of choas: lmao
seeker of choas: no no they pay by the hour
Tiffy 3787: i love you
seeker of choas: thought you knew that
Tiffy 3787: what does he get like a nickel every time
seeker of choas: what does kyle?
seeker of choas: get money?
seeker of choas: lmao
seeker of choas: hell no
seeker of choas: hes lucky i feed him once a day
Tiffy 3787: lol
Tiffy 3787: no people pay him like a nickel for the 2 minets of sex
seeker of choas: lol a nickle
seeker of choas: hell no they pay at least 5 dollars for those two minuets
Tiffy 3787: lol
Tiffy 3787: 5 cents
seeker of choas: 5 cents
seeker of choas: you dont know how to hussle
seeker of choas: the ugly once have to pay 10
Tiffy 3787: oh
Tiffy 3787: lol
seeker of choas: lol
seeker of choas: thats how we do

Positive Everybody....

This morning I woke up at 7am.... I made this great collage.... I got positive with Jillian.... um... that's about it! January 31st is my moms birthday so.... yeah... Kyle and Justin... you guys should call her.... it would be cool... her cell number is the same as mine except a 9 at the end instead of a 8... ok.... well Love you... check my photos...

After I left the library yesterday I went home and talked to Monica and then I was falling asleep on the phone with her so I hung up with her and called Jen just to say goodnight but her phone was busy so I went to sleep around 9pm... I woke up at like 8 something this morning and go positive with Star and Laura... then we went to get our last paychecks... I got my double meat chicken bacon ranch.... I turned my key into Western Ave and came here and now here I am... everyone seriuosly check out my pic at www.tiffysphotos.blogspot.com I put up even more pics today... Kevin is so sexy damn!... lol... anyways yeah check it out.... and for Jen....
www.h20-420.blogspot.com that's Justin's site.... Kevin is www.Chink420.blogspot.com Kyle's is www.kylesanchez.blogspot.com Lee's is www.leolamay.blogspot.com Jen's is www.bubbles420.blogspot.com and ... so yeah... that's it... go to my photos....

Blogger wasn't working so this is from my tagged...

Blogger isn't working so here's what I have to say... today was the last time I am gonna be allowed in Justin and Kevin's old room... my mom was cleaning out her storage room... I went into the boys old room and cried for a while... it didn't make me feel better... I'm still sad... its bad enough that every time I walk down the street and look towards there house I know not a one of them will ever walk out those doors again... but... something about that apartment and that bedroom.... made me feel.... I don't know... it made me feel good... so many great memories... mostly with Justin... but Kyle, Kevin and even Brett too... Jen and Jessi... just... my memories... I am so overly sentimental... it's sick.... I just miss them all so much ya know... they're my best friends... Justin called me today from the collage... on his phone card... he asked me why I wrote that we aren't friends... He said I decided that... I thought he had decided to not be my friend anymore because of the whole Jessi thing.... um... I don't know what's actually going on.. I'm still a little confused as to how he feels but I think he still wants to be friends... Um... I talked to Jen for a couple hours today... um... yeah well the library is about to close so I guess that means I gotta go... but look at my tagged photos... I just added like a ton of pics...

Yay... I got comments from Tori and Jen! That makes me so happy! Last night I talked to Kevin for almost an hour... and I don't mean I talked and he pretended to listen and I'd go "Kevin.... Kevin..." and he's like "Oh... were you talking?"... but we actually talked back and forth for 55 minets.... It was crazy!

I also got to talk to Justin yesterday and he was told he's not allowed to talk to me so.... yeah... but it's ok because according to his website I can burn in hell... I'm sure that was about me... *sighs*... I lost one of my best friends....

yeah so.... after I got off the phone with Kevin my phone needed to charge before I could call Tori, Jen, Kyle, Leola.... anyone... so I left it charging and went to my moms and accidentally fell asleep... I woke up at like 2 in the morning and actually tried calling Kyle's but I didn't let it ring too much because I didn't want to wake up his parents or anything... this morning I called Jen before she left for school and I called Kyle before he went to school too...

At around 10am Lee showed up and Aunti Angel gave me a ride to my counceling appointment... the sad thing is... I lied to my councelor... I'll tell you about it later Kyle (if you read this).... I'm such a retard.... but yeah... she's really nice.... she collects charms for a charm braclet like the one I got in Iowa...

after my appointment I went to the Big Apple and bought "pop" and then I walked by Cony and I thought school was cancelled today but apparently it wasn't.... I went inside and talked to Crystal. Then the attendance lady talked to me... then I went and saw Ms Renko and Ms Higgins came in so I went up to the cafe and talked to Paul and James a little.... then I walked to Mcdonald's and then my mom picked me up and I came here... and that's it... I put up a ton of pics from my phone on my Photo blog...so check those out.... and stuff.... ummm... well that's all... to those I love... I love you.... you know who you are.... forever and always....

"So it comes to this.. soon i will be out of group homes forever and i cant wait. My childhood is in my past and adulthood is in my present and future. I will be getting a job to save up for my own place and then ill be on my own. working and going to school. ive decided to study law as my major. I got my grades from my computer science class and the official grade is an A+. thats fucking awesome. And when ive made something of myself ill look back for but a second and spit in the face of everyone who doughted me in the past. my ambition is second only to my love for those i care about. and i find myself resonsidering people ive held in this catagory of my mind for a long time. Why is it that people get pig headed and jealous? If they cant have something then they will hate the person who has what they want. its sickening actually just to see it take place. But im not gonna let anything bother me. im gonna go about my life as i wish and anyone who has a problem with it can bite me. im gonna do what i want and love who i want and anyone with a problem with it can burn in hell.. " <--- Why do I feel like that is directed at me.....???? Well Justin I don't want you anymore for one thing and 2.... I'm not pig headed... I was just mad at her at the time.... and I'm sorry if you don't love me anymore because I didn't want to walk in my pajamas across the street during a blizard just so you could talk to Jessi... when she wasn't even home anyways... she was at a basketball game... not that I knew that.... but it was snowing hard and I was in my pajamas.... whatever.... I still love you even if you think I should burn in hell....

Kyle... nice job calling me back last night... I love you too....

Kevin.... today I found myself thinking of you and our.... "friendship".... I thought about how.... when Kyle and Justin were around.... it was different... from when I got to know you... me and you were together every single day for about 8 months.... everyday.... you were my best friend.... Kyle and I got so close over phone conversations... and if it weren't for the fact that I was the only one of Justin's friends to care enough to find ways to call him while he was trapped... me and Justin wouldn't be so close... but with you.... it was just different.... and I loved any mineut of it.... I'd like to say I'm letting go of you and the idea that maybe you will love me... but... I can't... not yet... even though I haven't seen you in 27 days I still love you and miss you more and more everyday.... Forever and Always...

NaToni.... hello girlfriend.... I love you and I'm sorry I forget about you a lot on my blog.... it's mostly the fact that I can't get in touch with you... so when I'm bitching about not having a friend to call when I'm depressed I do know you're there for me... I just can't get ahold of you so you aren't much help... I still love you.

Jen... Thanx so much for the 2 wonderful christmas presents.... I just love "tinkerbelle"..... lol... and I love you...

Leola... I tink I may call you tonight.... for I have some big news to tell you about our dear friend Kyle and his feelings for you... or should I say lack there of....

Tori... If you read this... leave me a comment woman! I love you! March 3rd be ready.... forever and always...


What's been up?
hey everybody who reads this... if I forgot you in my notes then I'm sorry.... those were just the people on my mind at this particular moment... lots of Kevin filled thoughts.... god I miss him... so mostly since Jen's left I've just been sleeping all day and staying up all night watching tv or cleaning... I'm bored.... I actually kinda miss Jessi.... she's fun to hang with... we're gonna get drunk off strawberry wine when she gets back... just like the song... which happens to remind me of Kevin! OH OH OH... I changed my voicemail message today... it's a little long though... it's "fuck her softly"... lol... I missed Kevin alot today ok... my old one was "I wanna be there"... which reminded me of Kevin too so... yeah... gaaaa... bad thoughts... bad thoughts....

From home and catching the world up on my life...

January 20th 2006
I don't know why I get like this sometimes.... I just start crying randomly all the time.... I'm looking at pictures on the computer... editing them and stuff... and a lot of them are pictures of Kevin... I go back in my mind and I think of all the good times we had together and then I go and start thinking about all the bad times... the times where he made me feel worthless and unloved.... and my eyes tear up and I start sniffling and it hurts... I talked to him today... well yesterday now.... I just wish he would say he loves me.... he didn't even say goodbye... he wanted to talk to Jessi... why can't any of my supposed best friends want to talk to me.... Justin, Kevin, and Kyle too.... they always want to talk to her.... it gets me so sad sometimes! I know it's not her fault guys fall at her feet... I don't understand why they all want her and not me.... she's so perfect, she gets everything I want... At least Tori understands how I'm feeling. Tori I love you... you're the awesomest.... Grrr... I'm so mad at the world and myself for letting it get this bad.... why can't I just make myself get over him.... oh yeah I remember because he was the first person who made me feel good about myself in years... for 2 years I felt like I was a loser and I could never get the one thing that I wanted (Justin) no matter how nice I was or how much I waited on that boy hand and foot I couldn't get him to like me even a little... I felt so hopeless and undeserving and worthless.... until Kevin came around and gave me confidence... and then everything changed... I started to actually have feelings for him instead of his brother... I eventually forgot about my feelings for Justin all together... (and I was bad about Justin) ... and he noticed I had feelings and stopped with everything... I mean... I guess it's nice he didn't want to lead me on once he found out I actually liked him but... I already had felt so much by then that it was hopeless... at least Justin didn't lead me on the way Kevin did.... I mean the way Justin treated me hurt... a lot.... but he never acted like he liked me just so I would do sexual things with him... I gave up a lot of stuff to be with Kevin and now I feel like I wasted all that time and energy and love... because he doesn't love me.... not even as a friend or he would tell me.... wouldn't he? I understand how he could do stuff with me and not be in love with me... I really do understand it now... because I did stuff with Josh when I was in Iowa and I don't have any real feelings toward him... I mean I like him... I liked him a lot back then... but afterwards I realzed that I'm still in love with Kevin... no matter what I do and or who I do it with... I still love Kevin... I could have sex with Jesse McCartney tomarrow... better yet Chad Micheal Murray... and I would still be in love with Kevin Andrew Tilkins.... because he's my everything... I don't know what to do... my head hurts now... I've been crying too hard, for too long and now I have a headache that won't go away... and I miss Jen.... right now I really wish she were here because she can make me stop crying.... she's the only one of my friends besides Tori who I'm not mad at right now and I love her and I miss her and I wish she were here...

Jan 21st 2006

12:30am
I'm listening to "I Wanna Be There" and getting sad again.... I wish Kevin were still here for me.... I love him so much and I miss him so goddamn much!... I talked to him on the phone today and he has a new girlfriend... she's short and Indian.... all they've done so far is makeout in the school hallways... he doesn't even rememeber her name... his story is... his friend Jean (my middle name) noticed that Kevin was flirting with her a little bit so was like "You guys look like you'd make a good couple"... and then he basically asked them out for each other so now they're dating... I don't know... I'd like to say I wish he hadn't found a girl up there.... but maybe I'll love her like I love Tori!.... But then again maybe I won't.... maybe I'll hate her with a burning rage for being with the man I'm in love with! What if, like Kyle, he falls in love with her... and when it gets down to it... he won't be able to leave her... I'm scared now more then ever that he'll stop loving me... even as a friend... I've already been replaced in Kyle's life... well not replaced... he says no one will ever replace me... but I still feel replaced sometimes... they both will have all new lives that they won't want to leave just to be with me... when I'm practically nothing to them.... nothing but a friend... I don't want to be more then a friend with Kyle... but with Kevin... I want to be his everything like he's my everything... because I love him.

5:11am
OK so not only have I dropped out of school... but now I quit my job too.... plus Jen is so mad at me she doesn't want to be my friend.... great I lost one of my best friends.... I already lost Justin last week because of Jessi and now I've lost Jen.... grr... If it weren't for the fact that I only have one credit to go till I finish high school.... I would be so outta here and on my way to Iowa... I have nothing here for me.... no place to live, no job, and no friends anymore... Justin and Jen hate me and Kevin will soon enough... all I'll have is Kyle and Tori... how long will it be till they too see what a horrible fucked up person I am and decide to hate me also... Lee's up here... right about now she's the only friend I'm staying for... she's my only best friend I got left up here... well I still have Kevin but... I lose him more and more every day... even though not a day goes by when I don't think of him... I seem to be thinking of him less and less... I'm still not attracted to any other guys... but I'm not thinking of Kevin as much. I'm alone and miserable up here.... I've been saying this for a while and it seems to be worsening and worsening... the only resolution I have been able to keep is the not cutting one and right about now it's hard to keep it... I want to just look at the blood so bad... I want to feel the pain and see the blood poar... I'm sick I know... but ask any other person who cuts... they know... it just makes everything ok for a little while.... alcoholics drink to relive pain, stoners get high to forget, lots of my friends tweek out on walls to get out their anger... I want to cut to relive my pain and I write to relive my anger... not everything I write is exacally how I feel... sometimes though... it is how I feel... sometimes I'm just to upset, depressed, angry or sad, to tell someone to their face what I really feel... that's just the way I am.... I can't do it... I can't look someone in their eyes and say something mean... not even to Felicia or Jessica Seagrieve and I wish they would both get hit by a 18-wheeler... I'm just not that type of person... Well... I feel more worthless now then ever in my life.... no reason to get up and out of bed... I only have that one night class Wednsday from 6-9pm at Cony... so depressed and confused and I just want Kyle and Kevin and possibly Justin to be here.... I do want Justin here... but not if he doesn't want to be... I don't want him to be mean to me or anything... I miss him.... I'm so fucked....

7:27am
I can't believe he has another girlfriend that I'm gonna have to wait out... I thought Jen and him would last forever but I waited it out and see where it got me?.... same place I was before... nowhere... I just miss him so goddamn much!!!! I just want to see him.... just look into his eyes and tell him I love him again.... I need.... someone to bethere for me... and I have no one... If Jessi never forgives me this time... well then I guess I deserve it.... if Jen never forgives me... well.. other then the fact that I may die.... I know I deserve that one... I am not a good friend to her at all.... I mean... a good friend wouldn't have done anything with her boyfriend, open relationship or not. A good friend wouldn't let themselves fall in love with her boyfriend and get jelous of the fact that they were happy together... a good friend wouldn't have wished the day would come when she would realize he didn't love her anymore when she knew it all along but didn't want to get her other best friend (who only cares about her when he feels like it) to get mad at her... wow... I think I just confused myself.... basically... I knew Kevin had lost his feelings for Jen a long time ago... he did have some... he had a lot... he was in love with her... I could see it... and when he told me he didn't love her anymore... I didn't tell Jen because #1 - I didn't want to hurt her, and #2 I didn't want him to be mad at me.... but he only cares about me when he feels like it... and ... I feel like nobody cares about me.... that's a really shitty way to feel....

12:39pm
Jen talked to me sternly about what I wrote in my blog.... she's mad at me because apparently I lied.... she's not mad at me enough to not be my friend anymore but she is really mad at me... also... she asked me if Kevin and me had ever had sex.... because of another thing I wrote in my blog "that's how I got into this whole mess with Kevin" ... by that I had just meant that sometimes someone gets with a lot of guys, probably because it makes them feel loved and confident... Kevin made me feel loved and confident when we "amazing"... I mean... the whole amazing thing... him calling me it... that gave me such a confidence boost that I kept coming back to him and eventually I fell in love with him... I still haven't told her why.... I'm gonna tell her later tonight I just decided.... for anyone who happens to not know... one time while me and Kevin were messing around we were both really into it and he told me he loved me... and I believed him... I thought he loved me in a way other than friendship.... but I was wrong... he has told me time and time again since that he is not in love with me, he never was... he was using me for sexual favors and I understand that now... but I can't stop loving him... I mean we were making out and he whispered... whispered he loved me under his breath... like I wasn't suppose to hear it... ya know... like he really felt it and he had to say it but he didn't want me to know... I don't know... he said it out loud a couple times too but the time I remember most is when he whispered it because it was like in the movies... they don't shout I love you in the movies... the boy whispers and it means something.... I just wanted it to mean something... well I gotta go to the library so I can post this.... maybe I'll write more when I get there... who knows...

4:30pm
Jessi forgave me too... and I admit Jess you have been doing really good lately... I am really sorry for writing mean stuff about you. When I get angry I like to type... the sound of the keys calms me down... and.. I take out my anger that way... and that day I happened to be really angry at you but I am sorry... you are one of my really good friends and I'm glad you didn't do anything to hurt yourself last night... after you were mad at me it took a lot for me to not go running for a knife too... so I'm proud of you... please don't ever do something like that to yourself because of something that has to do with me... I'm really not worth it... I'm not... and you're better than that... you know it! I'm sorry and I love you.

Unloved...

Yeah so I’m feeling pretty unloved by Justin and Kevin these days…. Whatever though… I guess if they don’t want to love me I can’t make them… even if they were two of my bestest friends in the whole wide world… at least I know Tori, Jen, and Kyle love me… and as long as I have some great friends who love me and will stick by me then I’m good right… ??? I sure hope so…

Jen is coming up this weekend if her grandmother is feeling well… I know I have to work all weekend but I’m still really looking forward to seeing her at least a little bit… I miss her like crazy… well I have to be at work in like less than an hour so I’m gonna post this and get going…. Write more laterz

Bomb Threat

A bomb was suppose to go off at noon today at school... why am I almost always here for theses things.... damn that Justin.... just kidding I don't think it was him this time... lol... I guess the one on friday was from Kristie Farrell's cell phone... I need to go down to lunch though cause Mary and Liana are waiting for me... I'm gonna miss them when I stop going to school... I met Liana a while ago but we weren't really friends and now that we're becoming friends I won't see her anymore because I won't be going to school... jeesh that sucks she's really cool... anyways I'm gonna lock my computer and be back for C lunch... I hope no one turns it off to get to use it... I will seriously be right back to check my tagged and stuff... I wish I could go to my Myspace but the school computers are gay... I'm thinking about going to the library after c lunch though because a class will be in the library using the computers so that will mean that I don't get to use the computers... well I gotta go... Kyle... I love you! Justin... I love you! Kevin... you know it!

Yesterday was awesome... and I'm still depressed...

Ohmygawd yesterday was awesome…. I got kicked off the computer in the library when my psychology class came in and needed the computers to look up an article… I told Ms Michaud about transferring to night school and she thought that was a good idea. I called mom and Matt came and picked me up… I went to McDonalds and bought a large chocolate milkshake (yum) I went home and found out that Subway was robbed the night before. (Bangor St) This isn’t the awesome part peoples… I took a nap till 4:30ish when I got up and dressed for work. I got into another fight with Jessi so now I’m basically just going to ignore her from now on… I called Jen (with my not-free minuets) and talked to her for about 13mins… I was late to work again because even though I went to Mom’s half an hour early she thought it was too early to go so I had to wait and I ended up being late because the road was blocked… Dave ended up giving me a ride to work and the new manager talked to me about being late…. Still not awesome yet… I did juices and chips, ice, boxes, and trash and as I was changing a trash bag…. Jaylyn walked in! Ohmygawd… I was just talking about her with Emily yesterday and the night before I had been so sad because Cullen ruined the door me and her painted. That made me so ecstatic! I missed her so much… I guess her and Ed (her boyfriend) are living in Livermore Falls…
Anyways not only that but…. KEVIN CALLED ME! I was out front making sandwiches and I didn’t hear it go “Hallelujah” but when I went out back I had a missed call… actually I had two missed calls and one was from Kevin… I took out the boxes and trash and called him back… I was like “Did you call me?” and he was like “sadly yes” but I don’t care because he called me…. Ahhhh crazy….
After I got out of work Jaylyn and her boyfriend picked me up and we drove around town a bit… we went to McDonalds to see if Emily was working but she wasn’t so I called her… she couldn’t come hang out with us… it was a school night and late so her mom said no… When I got home I called Kevin back but he was asleep… I forgot to call Jen but I called Kyle’s house… he wasn’t home; he was at Wall-mart with Josh and Kayla and Kyle McLaughlin. When I got off the phone with him I went to sleep… I woke up at 3am and watched Return to Neverland with Gabby then Trollies and I took a shower during Barney… then I left for school. I tried to call Jen while I was at the bus stop thinking maybe she hadn’t left for school yet but she must have because no one answered. I came to school and talked to Crystal and Liana and Mary and Emily…. Then I went to the library and Ms Hardison’s class came in so I was kicked off my computer… Michaela and Paige were in here for study hall so Michaela looked at my photos and I went through my negatives… then we went to her homeroom with Liana and Mary and Krysten… I took a cool pic of all of them with my phone… and then when homeroom was over I came here… but seeing Jaylyn was awesome and the fact that Kevin called me was almost too good to be true…
Ok… I was just practically crying… Justin wrote a blog entry and I wrote him back a comment: my number is (207)446-5628 (Alicia).... I got into another fight with her (Jessi) and ya know what... you are better than her and I don't care how much you love her she doesn't deserve it.... at all... I love you but I don't want to have anything to do with her anymore... so no you wont be able to talk to her even if you call me... let her go get a cell phone to call you herself or for you to call her because I don't approve... right now... I basically hate her and I don't care what anyone thinks about that... not even you and if you decide you don't want to be my friend anymore because I hate her than I'm sorry because I love you and you are my best friend and I don't know what I would do without you but if you choose her over me then so be it... I was already afraid you were going to... It's not like we spent anytime together when you were here... the only time you spent with me was when I went to her house to visit you... and that one night she was busy doing god only knows with Trapper... I am so over being friends with someone who doesn't care enough about themselves to keep their legs together and I'm sorry but it's true... and I don't care if she reads this and wants to beat me up or whatever but it is so true... I don't care if anyone tells her either because I am so over it... I am going to work and night school and moving on... I was gonna give up everything to go with you to Iowa... to be with my friends... the people I thought I could trust to care about me and now I can't even do that so I'm over it... I'm so depressed I want to kill myself most of the time and I don't want to feel like this anymore... I am going for counseling soon and a little after that I with have medicatation and I will get better and I won't depend on you and Kyle and Kevin so much because it's not good for me... it's not good for you boys either that you’re my whole life... I should have other things to care about... and... Wow… I've been going on and on and this is only supposed to be a comment… anyways read my blog entry... I love you.
I practically already know it… he’s gonna choose her over me… because she’s everything I’m not… I can be there for him a million times and give him everything his heart desires but what his heart desires most is her and so he will always choose her… I know it… I just can’t seem to get along with her… at all… she’s always flipping out on me… I have a big mouth… people who know me get used to it. Plus it’s true… she does have a thing for a lot of guys and unlike me she acts on it… every single time a guy likes her and she likes them back she sleeps with them… I’ve liked guys before and not even said two words to them… she’s more gutsy then I am yes but maybe sometimes it’s a good thing that I’m shy and ugly and fat… at least I can’t go around catching things (not that I’m saying she has anything because I seriously don’t know) and passing them things to everyone I know… to anyone who will have me… my sister says she has low self-esteem and that sleeping with a lot of guys probably makes her feel loved and confident…. Yeah well… that’s how I got into the whole mess with Kevin… but he is only one guy not 12… can’t she choose one to have love her… I mean they all do. And I’m not jealous… she gets like one cute guy (Justin) to every 10 ugly ones (Mike N, Trapper, Sean, ext) Oh wait Kyle liked her too but she was dumb and fucked that up…. Kyle is such a great guy and anyone who can’t see that is seriously fucked up! The things she said about him made me want to just knock her side the head because he is such a great boyfriend to Tori and if she had got with Kyle way back when then maybe she would know real love by now because Kyle puts his everything into the girl he’s with… not like that fagget James who she’s “in love” with but cheats on every single day… every guy likes her and she’s still not happy… I would be happy to have one guy like me (If that one guy’s name happened to be Kevin Andrew Tilkins of course). She’s just… messed up and I don’t want to have anything to do with it or her anymore and if I loose friends out of it then so be it… they must not have liked me too much to begin with if they choose her over me anyways… like Sean… I have already chosen myself over his love for Jessi…. He has a thing for Jessi and pulls me into it by telling her shit, then whatever, fuck it… I don’t need him for anything anyways… I’m over it… I’m done being friends with people who fall for her lies… she lies to everyone about everything and I admit I used to do it too but I came clean… didn’t I Justin? I came clean on my dirt… at least with you… I kept so much of myself hidden from the world… the only one who knew anything about me was Kyle but now I’ve let a few others in on my secrets… Justin being one of the main people that it was hard for me to come clean with but I did it… grrr… well I’m gonna get kicked off the computers in a little bit for the class that’s coming in so I gotta post this… Justin I love you! Kyle if you happen to read this I love you too and Tori… and Leola… and… well everyone you know if I love you or not.

Ranting

Yeah so... here I am back at school once more.... this sucks so much ass.... I got a major headache... I miss Kevin like crazy being in this building.... um... I don't know... I miss him so much and the other day when I called he's like "I don't like talking on the phone" and I'm like "I didn't call for 4 days because I know that" and he's like "Next time make it five".... It was so hard not to call him for those four... why can't he appreciate it that I want to stay in touch with him??? Justin appreciates it that I was the only person that made an effort to keep in touch with him the entire time he was in group homes... I've been the only one... no one else has cared... maybe Kyle and Jen... but that's it... especially not Jessi.... she was too busy... never mind I'm not going to get into it.... why does he always run back to her?!?!?! I don't even want him for myself anymore… I just want him to be with someone who deserves someone as great as him... he might be a psycho/alcoholic but he has a good heart... and (Justin if you read this I'm sorry and I love you) she just doesn't deserve him... he deserves someone who will stay faithful to him for one.... I mean she cheats on James any chance she gets... and I know he's not a great boyfriend or anything and I know he's in jail for a long-ass time because he's a retard and all but... come on... why she doesn’t just break up with him, I don’t know... I know of at least 5 people she's messed around with since she's been living back in Augusta.... for sure.... and maybe like another 6 or 7 that I’m not positive on but have a pretty good clue… anyways this isn’t about her… or well it’s not suppose to be…. Justin deserves better… way better than Jessi… way better than me…. I truly think that Justin and Jen should hook up… if it weren’t for all the weird sibling sex swapping…. They would be perfect for each other… they’re both attracted to one another and they’re both not cheaters… unlike Kevin and Jessi (cough, cough)… and they’re both really good people who deserve to be happy…

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Now wasn’t I talking about Kevin??? Yeah… he’s an asshole…. But I’m in love with him… because as “Ammi” says… I like to feel like shit…. I talked to Jen last night…. For like 2 hours… I miss her already… she might come down this weekend… there’s this slight chance… it doesn’t matter though because I am working like crazy… I am so tired and stuff… Friday I worked 6 to 1am…. There was a trail of mud leading from the front door around in front of the bain… to the soda fountain and to the bathroom…. Bathroom floor – covered in mud… it took 1 ½ just to sweep and mop… not to mention I had part of the floor swept and then people came in and ate in my restaurant… what was I suppose to say??? Grrr… then I had to go in Saturday at 5pm till 11pm (Lee showed up while I was at work and hung out off camera till I was done)…. Then I opened at 9am…. I got out of work at 2pm... went home and hung out with Justin till 5pm…. Went home and fell asleep around 6 until 9pm when I had to go back to work for Laura… we stayed till midnight…. Then yesterday (Monday) I got called into Bangor st. but had to see Dr Summers at 3:15… I got out of there a little before 4:20pm and was at work by 4:30… stayed till 9pm… went home and found out that Cullen and Nick were fighting and Cullen stabbed a screwdriver threw my door… the one from my old room… that I painted with Jaylyn… the one that meant a lot to me because I haven’t seen her (my best friend for 4 year) since June and I haven’t even talked to her since October 22nd… I know because I got a hold of her on her birthday and stuff… that was the last time I talked to her and that door meant a lot to me and now it’s ruined… I called Jen and talked to her for a while… watched National Security…. Took a shower and tried to go to sleep but was still up at 6am so I said fuck it and got up and went to school and now here I am in the library… Emily is in here and we're wearing the same shirt… our Tinkerbelle pajama tops…. She also has the same Tinkerbelle watch that I have… the one I lost because I took it off to do dishes at work and forgot where I put it… jeesh…

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Anyways yeah… so here I am…. Depressed like always… thinking about making a huge decision like dropping out of day school…. See I’m thinking all night school classes... Mon, Tue, Wends, & Thurs…. night school is just so much easier than day school… Then I can graduate in June still hopefully because I don’t think I’m getting anywhere by not going to day school… I just can’t get myself to wake up in the mornings… I’m so depressed I don’t want to get out of bed…. I like to sleep till 3pm…. So yeah… I have an appointment with Ms Renko at 11:30 so… hopefully I can get everything straightened out then and maybe not have to go to high school another 5 years for 4 more credits...

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Well… I’m done ranting for now…. Oh… by the way… all of the fish I got for Christmas are dead now… Jen’s fish Bubbles died first… then Kevin died… then Justin and Kyle died…. Lizzie and Gaby killed them I guess… they took the grate at the bottom of the tank and trapped the fish under it and they couldn’t move and died… something like that… I cried when I lifted the grate and saw Kyle float to the top of the tank… it was heartbreaking…
Kyle, Justin, Kevin, Jen, Tori, Leola, Kiwi, Angelina, Alicia, NaToni, Josh, Scott, Missy, Monica, Cora, Jaylyn, Larry, Melissa, Ashley, Brett, Nick, Jessi, and everyone else who reads this or might read this… I love you!

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Kyle… I love you most…. Lol…. j/k… I love Tori most… I mean Justin…. Kevin…. Leola…. Jen…. Kiwi…. Um…. Oh no… what do I say now???… I’m confused… I love you Kyle… you’re my best friend… and so are Justin, Kevin, Tori, Jen, and Leola…. But… grrr…. I love you!