feb 10th 2006

I talked to Kyle last night for like 3 hours... we talk about some weird shit... oh and can you believe that Justin didn't know that Kyle was suppose to be twins???? I was like "Why did you think the kid has four nipples???" When I told Kyle about that he was like "Well, you do probably know the most about me" I was like "That's cool" becuase he probably... no... I know that boy knows the most about me out of any of my friends.... he's like... the one I tell my stupid stuff to... I wouldn't tell Justin or Kevin because I love them... or well... I love Kyle too of course... but I'm still hesitant to tell Justin the weird shit even though I haven't been in love with him for a long while... since June 26th 2005 to be exact. That's the day I fell in love with Kevin instead...It's some weird shit how everything turned out... Everything I thought I wanted was in Travis... and yet I didn't fall in love with him... I fell for the stoner/alcoholic from across the street who recently decided not be a stoner anymore.... I was in love for 2 years and 3 months until I fell in love with his little brother... I am so fucked up... what the hell is wrong with me???... How did I do that????... Not only that but I thought I was falling in love with the little brother's girlfriend for 3 days short of a year... life is so weird... I feel like my life would make the greatest fucking drama filled movie ever... there's drugs, alchol, pre-marital unprotected teen sex.... I mean there's perfect girls and slutty girls and preppy girls and gothic girls, abortions, children, run-ins with the law, shoplifting, lesbians, homosexuals, raving, partying, near-death experences,parents and grandparents, rebeling, hot guys, geeky guys, smart guys, dumb guys, medicated drug addicts, guys who wear makeup, weird guys, egotistical guys, phycotic boys, boys who just dont give a fuck about anything but their dicks... I mean.... there's someone for everyone to relate too. So much drama.... a movie wouldn't be enough to explain my life... I'm sure everybody must have fucked up television worthy moments... but... mine would be like Sex in The City. I have been through so much stuff... and my life has Dawson's Creek, The OC, One Tree Hill, the movie Thirteen, it has all the elements of my favorite television show... this people is why I don't watch television to escape anymore... I can watch my own fucked up reality show... Ok.... wanna know what's going through my fucked up head right now.... I'm hurting and I wanna call Kyle actually.

It's weird because even though I think I'm completely over Justin... like I am so in love with Kevin... but it's hurting me... the thought of Justin and Jen getting together... I mean I have been saying forever that they would make the perfect couple... I've basically put them together... but it's weird cause there's that jealousy thing kicking in once again. Why am I even thinking like this???... I'm suppose to be over him... and she's perfect for him... but then again this is the one girl I've ever questioned about... wether I can possibly fall in love with someone of the same sex... she's the one and only girl I've thought about doing the actual stuff with... I know why everyone likes her... everyone falls in love with her... I understand Jen's appeal... unlike Jessi's appeal... which I don't understand at all... I mean Jess is hott and stuff but... yeah... Jen... is like... so... WOW and stuff... so I understand it... and it's so weird... Grrrrrr I am suppose to be over him... and I'm definatly not suppose to be in love with her... I may have thought I was for a little while but I've come to the conclusion that I'm not. It's so fucked up and confusing and shit.. I wish I could just hit myself in the head and pretend I didn't exist sometimes.

Feb 16th 2006
Sometimes I wish I could just fall asleep and never wake up.... this isn't me being suisidal... it's more than that... I just want to stop all the confusion, the fear, the pain that I have on the inside... I was laying in bed thinking... just thinking about my whole Kevin Vs Justin thing in my head... and... I don't know what I want... neither one of them wants me... so I shouldn't have such a hard decision to make... it's not like I'm Jen and I'm choosing which one I want for a boyfriend... it's just me... being confused, fucked up really... because what difference does it make?... If I love Kevin... then ok... why do I love him... because I thought we had something, I thought he felt something too... I thought he was the first boy to ever really like me... and I did think he liked me... in some way... or else what happened shouldn't have happened.... I mean... I know we weren't suppose to have feelings for each other from the beginning... maybe he just thought of me as a safe way to get what he wanted sexually... I mean... I was in love with his fucking brother... had been for 2 years practically when all this shit started... I shouldn't have let my feelings slide so much... maybe he thought that I loved Justin so he could mess around with me and it wouldn't hurt me... because that's how it was at first... I told myself... I don't have feelings for Kevin, I still love Justin, I'm just sexually frustrated and Kevin wants me right now so who am I to tell him no... I wanted it just as much as he did... it was all for fun... it wasn't suppose to mean anything... but then my head got all weird and I started thinking about him all the time and talking about him all the time... I found myself staring at him at random moments and finding him so... attractive... I don't know how it happened but it did... and eventually... after he told me he loved me... I decided... I love'd him... but did I really fall in love with him or did I just tell myself I did... because when I was hanging out with Justin this past week I started having all these weird thoughts about him again... like laying in bed and just wanting to lean in and kiss him... I wanted to kiss him.... do you know how bad it hurt to know I couldn't even chance it... because if I kissed him... it would give him back the power over me that I finally got him to believe he no longer had. I can't give him that type of power over me again... it'll hurt so bad when he decides to use it.
Ok... so now I'm thinking about Kevin again.... he has so much sex appeal... everytime I see him I want to push him on the bed and ... yeah... so maybe all I feel for him is lust... which is what I thought in the beginning... but then I thought it was more than lust... but now I'm not sure... god I'm so confused... what is the point???... I will never be happy. I wish I were full-on lesbian... then I would know who I want to be with... I wouldn't have to deal with all these guy issues. I'm missing Kevin so now I'm watching Swimfan... god this movie reminds me of us... it's so crazy. But yeah back to what I was saying. Guys suck... I suck... my fucked up mind sucks,,,, I don't know what I want and no one wants me... am I destined to be alone forever???? Like... ok how do I explain this??? With Kevin... I like being secretive... I like having to run off and hide to makeout... I like to just lay with him and not talk... I always feel like I should be talking, so I usually do... but when he's just holding me and we're not talking and I can feel every breathe he takes and hear every heartbeat... that's when I love him... I know I love him... I love everything about him... the way his body feels when he's hugging me, the way he makes me feel when he's touching me... just... I feel like it's love then... I don't know. And then when I'm around Justin and we're laughing and fooling around all those familiar feelings rush back... and when I'm laying in bed with him... I feel safe. I know Justin can protect me... I always loved that about him. Justin just... he has so many problems and I was so determined to love him throughout anything... and yet... I thought I was over him... goddamnit! Grrrrrrrrrrr.... I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH!!!!!

Feb 26th 2006
Jenyfer - I'm sorry I was in such a bad mood right before you left... I don't know what happened but I started getting all theses images in my head and it hurt and I don't really wanna explain it all right now but I couldn't help it... I just felt.... bad... I can't explain it in any other way... I just felt shitty, worthless, stupid, ugly, fat, and like nobody cared... I get that way sometimes... exspeccially when I'm around the people I really care about like you. Right before Kyle left over summer we were fighting... it always happens... when someone's about to leave me my head fills with all these unsaid hurts and overwelhelms me... I think to myself "What if I never say these things I'm meaning to say", "what if he/she never finds out how I really feel" it scares me to know I still have a lot to say and I may never say it to them.... like when one of the boys hangs up on me, or leaves mad at me... I don't know why I do it to myself... I get all moody before someone leaves me so they're mad when they leave... I'm such a better friend over the phone... without the possiblity of them leaving me... I don't know I'm so confused and scared about everything... wow... this ain't even to Jen anymore.. it's just me rambling on about my problems again. Anyways Jen... I'm sorry I was feeling fucked up and depressed and took it out on you somewhat... I wasn't really mad at you, I was mad at myself, and I was just so sad... have you ever been so sad you just didn't want to move? Like the energy to move was too much for you? Well that's how depressed I was the other night... I wanted to take a bunch of sleeping pills and go to sleep forever... and I know it hurts you to hear me talk like this but would you rather I lied to you because I know how much you love me lying to you about stuff... I'm just so scared to lose you that I'm pushing you away... and this is how I know I've fallen in love with you too because I don't get that way with normal friends... only Justin, Kevin, Kyle, and you now.... I may not be in love with Kyle but he is my best friend and he means more to me than anything in the world so I have the same feelings for him and... is this making sence... well it does to me at least... So I get all weird and stuff because I think I've fallen in love with you... I love you...

Kevin - I just wanted to write, even knowing you'll never read this, to let you know I still think about you. Even though I have given up all hopes of you ever really caring about me I can't help but still love you for everything you are and everything you did for me. I sitll love you in so many ways. I can't wait to be able to move on and get over you.. at least get over you enough to match your brother. See I'm over him... I think I can live my day to day life without him but I still love him... I thought I didn't because I was so head over heels for you for awhile but... I know now that I still love him... a part of me will always love him and long to be with him, but I know I have given up my right to be with him someday and I have accepted that. I might not always like it but I can accept it and still love him reguardless.

Justin - Yeah so... if there's anyway you read that then... yeah.... I guess I do still love you.. I realized it when we stayed at Kim's together... I can't help it... but know that our friendship means so much to me and I don't want anything to change between us. I want us to stay just as good friends as we are now... I still wanna be able to tell you anything like I pretty much can now. It's just... being around you again made me realize how much I missed you and love you... I miss the days when we were always together. Everyone always says it's not true love if you get over the person and I used to say that was a lie I knew I loved you and I thought I was over you when I fell for your brother but I'm not totally over you and I never will be able to completely move on because you are this huge chunk of my life. You consume some of my best memories and one of my most memorable kisses (Christmas Eve-eve). You will always be the one I think I loved deepest... I mean.... 3 years soon... in 7 days I will have loved you for 3 years... that is a long time... March 5th Justin... 2003... the day I fell in love with the boy next door and my life changed forever. I love you Justin... you're like my best friend.

Kyle - hey hunny... so much shit has been happening and I've wanted to talk to you about everything for so long but it seems like we never really get much of a chance to talk... the other night you made me cry... I love you so much and it hurts to know you're hurting. I really hope everything works out and that someday soon we will be together again. I miss you beyond crazy. Sometimes I just wanna look into your eyes and tell you everything on my mind but I know I can't because you're so far away... I look at pictures and I can call to hear your voice but... it's just not the same as being held in your arms when I'm crying and your soothing voice telling me I'll be ok... I need you to tell me it'll be ok. When my life is fucked up in so many ways it's you I need to comfort me and make me feel better. Other people like Jen and Justin and everyone can help a little... but no one can put everything in perspective like you can... no one can make me believe every word they say like you can... I'm so weird... just know that I love you sooooo soooo soooo much!



Febuary 28th 2006
Only 95 days till I leave for Iowa lol.... and 5 more days till it's been 3 years of Justin obsession.... I wonder if I should call him on that day.... I really miss him... I haven't talked to him in a week now... it's been even longer since I've talked to Kevin... since he left for Houlten I haven't said one word to him... he said "Goodbye Tiffy" to me but I didn't even say that much back... I am still just so mad at him for what he did... I love him, yes but I can't just forgive him for what he's done that easily... he really hurt my feelings and made me feel used... not that I don't always feel that way around him but still.... well I gotta go post pics and lyrics and all kinds of shit... so maybe I will write more tomarrow.

To: My friends on Valentine's day... some got these on Myspace fyi




for justin



For Justin again ... lol...



For Jenyfer (My Valentine)



For Jessi (kitties)



For Kyle and Tori (Darn alcholics)



For Kevin (Burn that one asshole)



I LOVE TINKERBELLE!



Ok so... in other news.... um... Justin left for Houlten earlier today and in a few days I'll be homeless once again... My sister is moving in the next week or so... which means I will be homeless and jobless and everythingless for a while... I don't think I should get my own place when I'm leaving in june anyways... that's in 4 months... I should just save money by living at home... sleeping on the couch or at a friends every now and then... I mean... I practically lived at Kim's with Justin for the last week and a half... I don't know... I just think I'm gonna stay here till June 4th... I graduate June 2nd from night school so on June 4th I want to be on the bus to Mason City, Iowa... hopefully I will be heading back by September (I promised Justin I would be back for his birthday) and I can talk Justin into moving back to Augusta or just live up there with him if I must... I have to pee.... be right back... ok I'm back now... um so yeah... Justin left and I wasn;t really all that sad until I called his mom and she told me she couldn't pick me up in Bangor... I really thought I was gonna get to go... now the only way I can go is if I get someone to loan me the money even though I have no way of paying anyone back or paying my cell phone bill or anything.... god I need a job.... but I really want to go to Houlten to spend some time with Kevin and Justin... I know I saw Justin earlier today and all but I miss him already.... gtg

Just to let everyone know... Kevin updated his blog and confused the hell out of a lot of people myself included... I don't know what's going on with him and I'd like to say I don't care but... there's still all these feelings for him that I can't make go away... I do like someone else though and it scares me because nothing will ever go right between me and this person... I know it... Kyle doesn't even know who this person is so nobody worry... I'll tell someone sooner or later... I'll probably end up telling Justin since I've been staying with him at Kim's for the past week and watching a lot of Charmed (great show by the way) Wow I have a major headache. Um.... Jen and Justin have been talking about maybe getting together... I don't know if I've said this before or not but... yeah... they might... nothing is definate... but they would be good together... although I do feel a little twinge of jelousy every time I think of them together... I do admit they deserve to be together and happy.
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Kyle got his tounge pierced and Tori broke up with him... they're taking a break or something.... she's such a weirdo... Tori... I love you... but come on... you tell me how much you love him all the time and then you break up with him... after he pierces his tounge... which is like the hottest thing ever! Whatever,,, they'll get back together... they always do....
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Jessi is leaving for Conneticut on Thursday... I hope she has fun but stays outta trouble down there.... Jess (if you read this) be careful. I love you.
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um... a couple nights ago Justin and me got into a huge fight... I almost walked home at like 3 in the morning because he really hurt my feelings. He was telling me I'm a liar and all kinds of stuff... he was saying he wanted to help me by telling me the truth about myself... and I was like I don't come to you for help I come to you for fun...
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Justin leaves for Houlten tomarrow... his worker is coming to pick him up I guess... I thought his mom was coming to pick him up but she's not... which sucks because I won't get to see Kevin.... I may be mad at him but he was one of my best friends and I miss him... a lot...
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www.myspace.com/tiffyjean86

Big update

January 29th 2006
Ok... so I was going through my unmarked data disks to see whats on them and one had only two blog entries on it so I started reading the first one and my eyes teared up... this: "I do know what love is... love is when someone is always there for you and your always there for them and you want to always be there for them forever... when you can't imagine being able to breathe without that person... when you cry when your not with them... when they are your entire world... when your near them it's like no one else is in the room.... when you look at them and find them so unbelieveably attractive and brilliant and just everything you've ever wanted... when you want to be with that person forever and can't imagine your life without them... that's love... when you'd give up everything just to be with that person for 10 more minets... when you look in that person's eyes and want to do anything for them... when... well in my case... when your sleeping with someone else and all you see is the person your in love with... you think about how he held you in his arms and told you he loved you and kissed you and you felt it go through every inch of your body and he makes you feel so special.. like you're the only one he wants... like he couldn't possibly want someone else even though you know in the back of your head that he does.... when he makes you feel loved and confident and so happy... that's Kevin to me... he makes me feel so amazing... no one else has ever made me feel like that in my entire life... I know he's not always the niceset guy to me but the way he makes me feel just makes up for anything he could ever do to hurt me... nobody is perfect and I love his flaws... I love him!" and this: " Lee and Jen... I will see but they still moved away... they aren't here for me everyday like I need someone to be... I need someone... and I don't want to get attached to anyone new because it will hurt to much if they leave me too... no more attachment... no more feelings... I love who I love and I don't want to love anyone else... Justin, Kevin, and Kyle are my life... they are... I admit that... everyone can see it... I can't deny how much they mean to me.... why would I want to? I love them... my mom says it's good that Kevin is leaving... then I can focuse on myself... but does anyone stop to think... maybe that's why I push all my focus onto other people? Because I hate myself and I don't want to focus on myself and my own problems... I just want to be with Kevin and Justin and Kyle... I want to be happy and with them... If we're ever together again... I promise I won't take the time for granted... I'm just stupid and selfish and god I hate myself... I hate how I always feel like I've wasted time... I always try to make the most of my time with Kevin... I've been trying... the whole Kyle leaving me thing really hit me hard on the wasting precious time thing...." made my eyes tear up... sometimes I have some deep thoughts huh?

And then this about Kyle... "Kyle is special because he protects me and would never think badly of me and that makes him special... because he loves me enough to know that I make mistakes like everyone else and I need to be forgiven... he doesn't rub all my faults in my face and make me feel like shit because I do something wrong... that's why he's special... because I love him and he loves me and we're best friends who can tell each other everything without worring about what the other will think about us because we love each other regaurdless."

God I love that kid... Kyle... he's the bestest best friend a girl could ask for sometimes.... I miss him so much... I haven't talked to him in 4 days now... it's horrible... I miss him like crazy.... but I guess that's what I get for falling asleep at like 9 every night and waking up 7 or 8 in the morning... I'm finally on a normal schedule when I don't even need to be... this sucks... everybody sleeps when I'm awake and I'm asleep when people call me... I had 3 missed calls when I woke up... all different people... the night before I had four missed calls... all after like 9:30pm... and the other day I was at the library and my phone was on silent and I got 4 missed calls... in just an hour at the library with my phone on silent... Justin even called me and I can't call him back because he calls with phone cards so the right number doesn't come up... he called yesterday while I was at Wendy's and the phone was on vibrate.. I never realize the damn thing vibrating... grr.... I miss Justin too... and of course I miss Kevin... the other day he admited to missing me... hehe... , .


February 3rd 2006
Guess what... I'm typing this from my computer in my room and guess who's here..... Justin and Kevin.... this is crazy.... Wensday Mom, Cullen, and me went to the TNAF office and Walmart... I pulled all the blackness off Kevin's hoodie and my mom was like "JNCO hoodies cost a lot of money why would you do that?" and I'm like "because Kevin gave it to me and he was already pulling the stuff off. Plus his grandmother bought it for him and he hates her anyways" and my mom asked why he hated her and I explained about the little kids and my mom was all saying that Rose signed the kids over and blah blah blah... well yeah Rose did sign the papers over but it was only suppose to be for six months or something like that and we kept talking about Kevin's family and stuff till we got home. Then... as I was walking to my house I looked over to the boys old house and felt sad... like esspecially sad and decided I was gonna call Kevin just for a couple minets so I could tell him I missed him and loved him. So I go inside and I went to my room and was gonna call and Russell comes into the kitchen and tells me that Rose and Kevin were here and I missed them. I immediatly went into shock and almost started crying until Russell told me Kevin was actually in the other room. I went in there and felt like I had a heart attack almost. I definatly went into shock again. I couldn't talk for a good 20 minets. It was so freaky that he would show up when I had thought and talked about him all day.

February 4th 2006
To anyone who reads this and thinks they're my friends... well... your wrong... I have no friends.... Im giving up on everyone.... I gave up on Kevin today and I'm giving up on Kyle too everyone knows that he was my everything.... Kyle is my everything and I'm giving up.... I call him up bawling my eyes out and he'd rather get stonded.... he always would rather get high... when did drugs become more important then your friends Kyle? Tell me.... because I would never have done that to you.... EVER! And Kevin.... I'm just so done with him making me feel like shit... I know I've said it before and I keep going back but I am so fucking done! I do everything for him... I gave him everything I could.... I did anything he wanted me too and he still treats me like I'm nothing... makes me feel worthless and suisidal and.... and it's worse then anything Justin could have done to me because me and Kevin connected in so many ways that me and Justin didn't... and there's something special I had with Kevin and... it's all for the best I guess... I did need to get over him too... I mean... he got me over Justin... maybe I can forse myself to get over him too... I used to tell myself I didn't love Kevin over and over... that I didn't even like him... and now what's happened? Now I'm in love with him...

February 9th 2006
Becca showed up drunk that night that I was suisidal... she was drunk off fire water... yeah.... so I had to take care of her... but then Justin called me so I was outta here and off to aunti Kim's for a couple days... I left on Saturday and came home Monday to shower and change... then I went back to Kim's till today (Thursday) when I came home to shower and change again. Yesterday Jen showed up... her and Justin are getting close to the dating stage I think.... I seriously hope they do start dating... they deserve to be happy. It would get Justin over Jessi and Jen over Kevin and ... yeah... they would be good together... at least in my opinion. Anyways... yesterday Jen showed up at Aunti Kim's with Jessi so that jessi could get her stuff. Jessi is going to Conneticut for a little while so Ammi took Jess to get her bus ticket and her state ID. Jen got me a stuffed key chain and a necklace for Valentine's day and I got her a rose that I could record a message on... it was pretty cool... too bad she's already messed up my messsage to her. Yeah...so... when we got back from Rite Aid (where I got her present) we hung out in the bedroom at Kim's and Jen and Justin kept flirting and kissing and stuff and Justin kept shooting me these dirty looks like "get out of here" looks... but everytime I tried to leave Jen wouldn't let me... and then when she left Justin acted mad at me... I went to night school and felt better somewhat... I called Jen on my walk back to Kim's from Cony... the minet I walked in the door Jen needed to talk to Justin but he was reading his tarot cards (they told him to be nicer to me) so she had to talk to me some more but all we talked about was "Is Justin done yet?" over and over until he was done and I gave him the phone. Jen and Jessi talked to Justin until I was like "When can I have my phone back?" I got my phone back like 5 minets after that and then Jen was like "Jessi talked to him. Can I talk to Justin now?" and I was like sure and threw the phone back to him until it died so I had to plug it in... the damn thing was so dead it wouldn't even turn on... he got on the phone with Jen again just as soon as it turned on. While he was on the phone with her I left to go for a walk and cry. I went to the store to try to buy cigerettes but they wouldn't sell me any cause I lost my ID and they didn't believe I was 19. I got back and sat down to watch dirty dancing with Kim and Justin... but then Josh called me so I talked to him for about half and hour... Justin was playing PSO when I got off the phone so I went in the room to be alone and I started to write in my diary but then he came in to go to sleep so I went into the bathroom, sat in the tub and started crying... then the phone rang... it was Kyle... I told Justin to push the 5 button (Kyle is speed dial #5, Kev =2, Tori =3, Kayla & Josh =4) so Justin called him back while I went back in the bathroom and cried some more... Kyle wanted to talk to me I guess so I got up and talked to him... he asked me what was wrong and I said nothing so he asked me why I was crying and I said same reason I always cry and he was like but what overall and I was like nothing it was just everything and he was like is it Justin or Kevin and I was like no and he was like "swear on my life" and I was like "I wouldn't even swear my name is Tiffany on your life" Blah blah blah and Kyle made me feel better... I still didn't tell him what was wrong though.... I tried to tell him last weekend and he wouldn't listen so I'm not telling him anything for a while... especially not my innermost feelings.
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And for anyone who doesn't know why I gave up on Kevin's dumb ass... it was because he promised me if I did something for him and Justin (that I am really against by the way) then he would do something for me. He told me he would say he loved me into my phone like all my other friends.... and he fucked it up by saying "I love you, now go away"... it pissed me off and stuff... but now the library is closing so I must go... I put up some new pics so check those out and leave me a comment or something... love you all.... and I changed my mind about giving up on all my friend... it's not everyone's fault that Kevin is an asshole and it's not everyone's fault that Kyle likes drugs more then he likes me.... so byes