Been working...

I've been working on an entry about all the stuff I've been doing throughout Vay-K but it's taking forever. Hopefully I can get it posted tommarrow for anyone who cares enough about me to wonder what I've been upto. I added links to the top of my page. Check em out!

Uh-oh

seeker of choas [11:21 PM]: tiff i got to get to bed...
Auto response from TiffyJean3787 [11:21 PM]: looking for Justin on Runescape..... hi everybody else, I love you but don't bug me. I love Justin more!
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Uh-oh Justin read that away message.... I can only imagine what he's thinking about me now. He's probably thinking I'm an obssesive lozer...... no that that's a lie. I mean it is true but I didn't want him to know it.

yeah so...

yeah so I'm pretty pissed off about it all. I can't believe Rose would let her husband use her cell phone to call the school and do that to me. I always thought she liked me but whatever. She told me she would adopt me if I wasn't so in love with her son and then she lets her a****** husband do something like that to me. All I really want to do is vent to Justin. He hates OJ as much as I do now. I really hate that f*****. OHHHHHHHHH!!! ERRRRRRR!!!! GRRRRR!!!! I hope Justin shows up soon. I really want to vent. He has never had a chance to really prove himself as a good friend. He's never had to be there for me when I'm upset so this is a good time for him to prove himself. At first when I was at school and they were checking me I couldn't stop laughing. But when I started walking home all of a sudden anger sets in and Oh I wanted to rip off the guys head. I was soooo pissed! Oh I hate that bastard. Now I understand why Justin hates him so much. He tries to take everyone down with him is what OJ does. It's not my fault he ripped off his wife's income tax. He can get the hell over it. It wasn't my fault. I had nothing to do with it so he can go f*** himself. When I got home I wanted to go right over there and b**** him out but Mom and Matt wouldn't let me. They made me call my dad. If my dad comes up that'll teach him to mess with me. My dad is a scary guy. I just really want to cry on Justin's shoulder. I want him to comfort me. What will probably happen is he'll get mad at OJ. Justin won't like it one bit that OJ is messing with me. I know him good enough to know that he will be vivid when he hears what OJ did to me. Justin doesn't like people messing with his friends.
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I just really hope his grandmother remembers to come get me. I really nedd to talk to him. I want to see him but I would be satified with just talking to him for a while ya know. I just want to get it all out.
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Well that's it.... hopefully the next time I write it will be after going to Justin's for the weekend. Byes.

I HATE OJ!

I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!I hate him!
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I really need to talk to someone. Justin didn't answer the phone, Kyle's still in school probably and if he's not then he's at Marquis'. I haven't talked to him in 3 days now. I knew we would lose touch. I knew it. Jen went to her sister's. I'm not allowed to talk to Kiwi about it. I just want to curl up in a little ball and cry. Kyle won't answer the f***ing phone!!!!!!
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I just want to b**** to Justin about his stupid f***ing step-dad retard!.
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Wanna know what he did? He called Cony and told them that "Stewart lane Tiffany" was selling crystal meth out of school. They searched my bag, they had me take off my shoes and shake out my socks. they even opened my pads. They asked me if I had any enimes and I'm like "Felicia Hathaway?" and they told me it was an older man's voice and I was like "Ohhhhhh" and then I was like yesterday I told Rose that Oj might have ripped off her income tax money and I go "was it a cell phone" so they went and got the number and it was Justin's mom's cell phone! I showed them in my phone book and everything that it was the same number. They obviously didn't find anything on me duh!

Can't sleep and my computer is being gay so I can't play Runescape.... I went to court to see Justin today. It was the custody hearing. I waited with him for 3 hours before he got to go in and see the judge. Then we went to chinece and he bought me chicken fingers. That was nice of him. Aahhhh!!! Save Me just came on the radio! I fucking love this song! Anyways, yeah, I spent all day with Justin so I had a pretty good day I guess. he made fun of me a lot like usual but hey I've gotten used to it mostly anyways. I love him. He asked me to give him head again but he was joking, this time I'm sure because when they said he might be getting tranferred into Lewiston's drug court I was like "you know that thing we were talking about earlier? Let's go do it now." lol and he's like "let's not." that was funny. I'm gonna go to his grandmother's house this weekend if I can make it to school tomarrow. That's why I should be in bed but I can't sleep so it sucks. I don't know... I was suppose to go to Lee's this weekend and I think she's pissed off at me cause I told her that I can't. She should understand about Justin though. I mean, if she had a chance to hang out with Kyle but she was supose to hang out with me I would understand if she picked him over me. He's a guy and stuff. She could always catch up with me later. But with boys it's usually a one-time deal. Well at least it is for me. Whatever, I hope she understands and doesn't hate me. She really is one of my best friends and I feel really bad about blowing her off and stuff but... I mean... who knows when I'll get to hang out with Justin again one-on-one. Like I will be able to listen to music with him and watch him dance to Copacabanna (I'm gonna make him that is) and give him back massages and just talk to him again, which I miss most of all. I miss talking to him.
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Kiwi says that if I don't mention Justin more than twice tomarrow all day then she'll go out with me again. I'm just gonna avoid her all day is what I'm gonna do. "You, Every beat of my heart, Every day of my life, Every thought on my mind, Every second every moment you, Every still of the night, Every wrong that was right, Every dream I denied, Every second every moment you, Every beat of my heart, Every day of my life, Every thought on my mind, Every second every moment you, Every tear that I cry, Every hope in my mind, Every fear that I hide, Every second every moment you" (The you's would be Justin) He's the only thing in my head. There is nothing else up there I swear. At least sometimes it feels like that's true. Well I'm gonna try to sleep again.
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Schedule
Friday - school, Edge, Justins
Saturday - Justins
Sunday - Justins, home, Lee's?
Monday - Lee's (go home depending on ride situation)
Tuesday - Maybe at Lee's in the morning, work at 3pm till 5:30pm, Daddy's?
Wensday - Daddy's (again go home depending on ride situation)
Thursday - Maybe at Daddy's, work at 3pm till 5:30pm
Friday - Kevin coming? (If not have Crystal sleep over)
Saturday - Kevin? ( sleep over Nick's)
Sun - Kevin? (sleep at home!)
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Wow, I am going to be busy or vacation!

Giving head..... Is it so wrong?

So Justin asked me to give him head last night on Runescape. I told him no. He always is joking asking me to give him head and stuff knowing that I would give him the world if he was ever serious about it. I mean no I wouldn't drop to my knees or anything just because he asks but like say we were making out like hardcore making out. And say he just happened to take my hand in his and move it to the right place on his body. Then I would know he's serious and I would probably do it. If he made me feel good about myself and made me feel like he deserved it. I don't know... I'm just saying I probably would not I definatley would. Does that make me sick or perverted? I hope not, because I am in love with him right so it wouldn't be so wrong. And it's not like I would really be having sex with him... who knows...

Life is dumb........

Well, I didn’t go to school today like I know I should have but I did go Monday and Tuesday. On Monday I met my Wellness class for the first time. There’s a really cute boy in that class. I don’t remember his name but he introduced the rest of the people in the class to me so that was cool. After school the Edge was closed but that was ok because I had a dentist appointment anyways. I got home and went online to play Runescape. Nick showed up and made me go down to his house because Kiwi was there upset. We headed up to my house and she got a ride home from my uncle Brian. I played with my new tracfone that night. Tuesday there was a two hour delay at school so I made it to homeroom (lol). Late still even with the delay but I still made it there. In English we played cards and that was fun. I actually paid attention in Art class because we had Mr. Kahl, the assistant principal as a speaker and he showed us animated movies he made in college. That was cool. Jen told me she might be going to Florida today and after school I remembered that she’s barrowing my portable CD player so if she actually went I wont get it back until after vacation. My plans for vacation are this weekend I’m going to Leola’s then sometime I have to go to my dad’s. I’m going to try to talk him into buying me time cards for my phone. He has a new computer and free all over Maine long-distance so I will be talking to Justin constantly while I’m there. My mom says Lisbon Falls is kind of near Greene so hopefully I’ll see Justin even. I’m going to try I know that much. So yeah…. Kevin is supposed to come up the second weekend of vacation so… I guess I’ll hang out with him a little bit. I don't know it probably wont be too eventful. I remember when I went to live with my dad last summer I cried myself to sleep every night. Once I had a weekend to go to my moms, and this was when Justin still lived out back at 2 Stewert lane right, I went to his house cause I was going back to my dad's to say goodbye to him and he didn't even care I was leaving at all. That depressed me. He was fucking gorgeous back then. I really miss him alot. I get to see him tomarrow so.... well that's it for now.

Chat with Travis

Tiffy: hey
Travis: hey baby, how about
Tiffy: How about what?
Travis: the sooner u mail me the Christmas present / valentines / gift, and B-day present all in one to me I will go for my license and come to visit u
Tiffy: uh-huh, just get ur dad to drive u to Sand Hill tomorrow
Travis: the ghetto of Augusta ? LOL
Tiffy: yep pretty much, but its where i live, Travis?
Travis: true
Tiffy: what r u doing
Travis: being lame U?
Tiffy: sitting here missing u and wanting to actually see u for once
Travis: LOL, oh
Tiffy: yeah, missing Justin too
Travis: oh u blew it, LOL
Tiffy: sorry LOL, well he is my best friend, i miss Kyle too so there, LOL, but i miss you a whole lot Travis, :-*
Travis: i bet
Tiffy: i do, U know I used to think I was in love with you..... i don't anymore of course but u were a really cool friend and i miss talking to u and seeing u
Travis: same here
Tiffy: LOL u used to think u were in love with me too huh? Damn it why didn't we get together then! LOL j/k
Travis: LOL, oh baby
Tiffy: lmfao, hey Travis
Travis: i have a boner
Tiffy: that's nice...too bad I'm not there to take care of that for u, j/k
Travis: well maybe u can help soon
Tiffy: right...right..., Come visit damn it!
Travis: Only if I get a bj LOL, ;-)
Tiffy: Guess what ... pretty soon you probably will really want me... I'm planning on Justin wanting me... I'm on the Adkins diet and I lost 35lbs already, maybe, come visit, i plan on telling Justin to Fuck Off cause he's too shallow to want me as i am so when I'm skinny and he does want me I'm gonna tell him off
Travis: well ur weight was never the problem, ur a very pretty gal
Tiffy: don't tell me that, that means its my personality that's the problem and i cant change that as easily as i can change my weight, So Travis is it my personality?
Travis: no, its just ur ways about stuff, like u seemed a little obsessive, and clingy
Tiffy: oh well yeah i am that a little, but whatever, i think its funny, when people say I'm obsessive and stuff i think its funny, God u think I was obsessive about you..... U should see how i am about Justin.. that kid is my best friend and i am in love with him.... everyone knows it he hates it too
Travis: LOL
Tiffy: yeah, but whatever i cant help it, I used to want something and go for it right away try everything I could to get my way but Justin has broke me down so much I don't act like that anymore I keep everything mostly to myself now...
Travis: o i c
Tiffy: yeah...., I'm really sorry about being like that by the way, i think i just try to hard
Travis: well its not always a bad thing
Tiffy: yeah it is and i know it, i just... i really love Justin and he treats me like shit and i let him because he's all i have ... when i met U... U were cute and into the same stuff as me... i tried to use my little crush on u to get over him and i think it worked a little bit but u left and then all my feelings for Justin just hit me harder then before and i realized i didn't really love u like i had thought and that i shouldn't have done that to you at all and I'm really sorry
Travis: don't be sorry
Tiffy: well i am, ...but i still miss you and want to see u damn it!, Travis? U still there?
Travis: yeah
Tiffy: what r u doing now?
Travis: talking to Kathryn
Tiffy: I am so bored ... who's that?
Travis: friend from mass
Tiffy: Oh cool online or on the phone?
Travis: online
Tiffy: oh cool, lucky U... ur the only one i know online right now
Travis: LOL, I'm the lamest person u know
Tiffy: um...no i am
Travis: we are, Okay?
Tiffy: I was supposed to have a date today but couldn't go cause my GF didn't get paid and couldn't take me out for dinner ... my best friend got off groundation to come see me and all we did was sit online and talk to other people and talk about Justin... I talked to my other best friend's sister for two hours today because I was bored ... um ... i haven't talked to Justin all day and i fell asleep watching Teen Titans earlier, i am the lamest person i know... i have no life
Travis: me neither
Tiffy: So... Travis... Do u think there is anything else I should fix about myself for Justin to love me? Other than the obsessive and clingy and weight thing?
Travis: nope, but i don't think u should change who u r for any guy, stay the coarse and the way God made you
Tiffy: well i want him to love me... i love him and i want him to want me like i want him and if i have to change for that to happen then so be it, ya know what he told me once ... he told me that if i was skinny he would've dated me long ago and i probably would be stuck-up and dump him

Kinda sad.....

No school because of all the snow. Also didn't get to see Justin. Called him though and talked for a while. Played Runescape with him for a while. Matt bought a computer for the house and it's better at Runescape then mine. Mom got in trouble for letting me have one of Matt's cigerettes so that sux. Only talked to Kyle once today because I was screwing around with the internet downstairs but whatever. Oh and Kevy's coming on Sunday. Jacob is having a birthday party yay! Well, that's it for now I guess.

Stabbing....

Ok, so, Damiem Fincher thinks he's so big and bad and tough right? He fucking stabbed Mike Swift in the leg 4 times and once in the stomach and he's in the hospital in Lewiston now. I wasn't even in school when it happened. I went in late. Jen saw the whole thing though she had to write out an affidavit and everything. It happened right outside her homeroom.
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I guess it started because Damien called Mike a faggot and Mike got pissed and dragged Damien out of his homeroom in a headlock and was punching him in the face. Ms Cluff tried to break it up before the knife was pulled out and she got punched in the back. Damien realized he was losing and took out this 2 inch little knife and started stabbing Mike in the leg and Mike kept kicking him with the bad leg even while Damien kept stabbing him.
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What sucks though is all of UBF got suspended for the rest of the week just for being friends with Damien so when they come back they'll be even more pissed off at the school and all of us peoples in it.
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Ok in other news.... I was suppose to meet Justin at the court house tomarrow right? Well his grandmother's car is in the shop so he might not be able to come. If he missed drug court he'll go to jail. Plus I already got permission to skip school to visit with him so it would suck if he can't come at all.
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I had him read the notes I left for him on my Justin only blog and one thing it says is: Since I know I'll be printing this out and handing it to you on Thursday, will you do me a favor and just hug me when your done reading this.... and when he signed offline he was like *hugs* awww that was so cute. Ilove him and I really hope I get to see him tomarrow though I don't want him to see me cause I'm all breaking out really bad right now because of a certain reason... but yeah. I really need to see him I miss him alot. My plan is to go to the court house tomarrow at 8:20 or so and see if he shows up. If he does GREAT! I get to hang out with him all day. If he doesn't I'll be so sad and I'll go to school to cry to Jen. My first class is at 9 anyway so I won't be missing anything. I'll just be late again. Whatever.
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KYLE JAMES SANCHEZ I MISS YOU!!!!!!

All I have to say.....

At least I'm not in love with Damien Fincher! I'll write more about this later tonight. By comparison at least I'm in love with Justin the terrorist and not Damien the school stabber..... Anyways I have night school so laterz.

Gone...

Kyle's gone. He called me from the bus station while I was at work. Then he called a little later while I was still at work and talked to KK a little bit. When I got home I called Leola on Matt's cell and had her call me back. I talked to her a bit and talked her into calling Justin. We only got to talk to him for a few minuets before his grandmother said she needed the phone. he told me to call back after his AA meeting was over at like 8 I think he said. I talked to lee a little more then had to get off with her so Kyle could call me cause he said he'd call around 7:30. He ended up calling at 7:16pm. He was in Boston. It makes me so sad that he's getting farther and farther away from me by the minuet. After he hung up with me I watched Jeopardy with Nick and fell asleep. I slept till 8:30 then got up and got online to tell lee to call me. She did and we tried Justin's but he wasn't home yet. His grandmother said he'd be home in like 15mins so we waited and called 15 minuets later but it went straight to the answering machine. We kept trying over and over and I even left a message once but ... yeah how could he have called back anyway I was already on the phone and I don't have call waiting. I got off the phone with Lee around 10 and went online to see if he was on but he wasn't. It froze on me and I closed out of AOL and Brett called. I talked to him till midnight and now I'm here writing this. Oh I want to add that after school got out (I didn't go) I went to Jen's bus stop but she wasn't on the bus so I started walking to work. When I got to the four way downtown she was crossing the bride with Michaela. I ran across the street and told her all the bad news. She punched a brick wall. I feel really bad for her being grounded while all her friends move away. Well, she wants me to go to school. Tomorrow will be a long day if I make it cause I have night school tomorrow too. But I really want to see her and talk to her so I want to go so I got to go to bed. I miss Kyle. I miss Justin. I just want my friends back.

Fall to pieces...

I'm falling apart with my depression..... Kyle's already checked out of the Econo Lodge and I don't know Keri's cell number. They leave for Iowa at 3:30pm and I'll be at work at The Edge then. Also Justin is going into state custody on Thursday after drug-court. Everyone says it's for the best. That they'll help him get an apartment and fix his life and maybe it is. But ... what about me? I know I'm being selfish again but I mean... I'm gonna be all alone when he leaves. Two of my bestest friends in the whole world gone for what's going to seem like forever. It's just not fair. Why does God do this to me? I don't want new best friends I want the ones I've already been through so much with. Kyle knows every little thing there is to know about me. I only have one secret I keep from him and that's my exact weight but he knows every other thing about me. No one knows as much about me as that boy does. Justin, he was the first boy I ever did so much stuff with. He was the first boy I ever got high with, in many ways. He is the first boy I got drunk with. He is the first boy who's house I've slept over. He is the first boy I ever told some things to. I mean I've told Kyle everything but there are some things I told Justin first. There are some personal things that I have to keep a secret from the world that Justin was the first for and I just don't know. I love him so much. I love them both so much and I'm losing them both in the same week. This is so gay. Well, I have to go break the news to Jen in a few plus I still have to get ready for work so. I'll write more after work.

Weekend...

Spent the weekend with Kyle at the Eco Lodge. Sat. Justin got kicked out of his grandmothers. Sat night I called him and he said he would call me back but or course he never did. I wasted two hours waiting for him to call, not hanging out with Kyle, and he never called. I am so upset and disappointed in him. I'm really tired.

Weekend blues...

Well, Justin can't come spend the night no matter what I do. His grandmother wont let him. This sux. She doesn't even want him on Sand Hill at all.
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But some good news is even though we got all upset around here Kyle has a few more days so I'm happy about that. And get this... Kari might not even want to leave after all which means Kyle won't leave either. But I don't want to get my hopes up because he probably is still leaving.
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Oh yeah and Kevin isn't coming down this weekend either. He's one of my best friends too but to tell the truth I don't know how much I actually want him coming. I mean...something has changed... Something I found out today made me kinda mad at him. I just need some time to forget or I might go blurting it out the next time I see him and I can't do that. Whatever it's really not that big of a deal and I'll get over it and forget in time just right now it's kinda right there on my mind.
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Anyway, today I called him and read him Jen's note and told him why she hasn't been calling him and stuff. Then I called Justin and right as he picked up Kyle called me on the home phone so I had a phone on each side and I was relaying messages between the two of them. That was pretty funny. Nick Hodge was here while I talked to Justin and Kyle on the phone and I didn't noticed but he eraser wrote "dump Justin He's a loser" into my mousepad LOL. He's one of Justin's friends and I'm not even dating Justin.
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I don't know... I think I might be getting over him again but I really really want to see him and just talk to him like old times. Watch the latest episodes of LAWKI and listen too music with him right there singing it in his off-tone voice. Brett is having a party tomorrow night and he's suppose to get Billy Joe to come pick me up so I can go and Justin's gonna try to go too that way I can visit with Justin. I mean that's cool and all but I kinda wanted one-on-one time with Justin to talk and give him a back massage and stuff and I won't be able to do that a t a party unless I drag him off to a separate room. Which at a party he's not gonna want to do that. There will probably be a lot of skinny little pretty girls and he'll be trying to get in their pants all night so I won't be able to talk to him.
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I don't know. I mean, I know I'm being selfish but I just really want to see one of my best friends and pretend it's all fine with us and nothing has changed. And I don't want to bring up the other guy thing at all. Justin called me a slut and I go "I know" and he's like "you're not suppose to agree with me" and I'm like "but I think I'm a slut too. I think your right Justin" and he's like thinking this isn't any fun her agreeing with me (I know he was thinking it) He likes to try to push my buttons and get me to cry and stuff but if I agree with him it's just no fun for him. I've finally learned that. He's like a little kid. He wants attention so he pisses people off on purpose to get them upset but I'm not gonna let him push my buttons anymore. He's probably not gonna find it fun to hang out with me anymore if he doesn't get any reaction when he teases me but so be it. Whatever, I really don't care if he doesn't get to get the sick pleasure of my pain anymore.
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I really don't.... Well, I guess that's it for now. I've been up since 6:15am this morning except for like a 10 min nap in Computer and an hour nap on the couch at 6:30 waiting for it to be 7 so I could use the cell phone. So yeah I'm really tired. Gonna post this and go to bed.
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I love you all.... But Kyle most of all -- you are my best friend and I could deal not seeing Justin for 5 months if it meant being with you. I mean I love him but he don't love me back. I love you and you do (as friends). I need you more than I need him. I need you around so that I can deal with him and all the shit he puts me through so yeah I would give him up if you'd take me with you. I LOVE YOU KYLE JAMES SANCHEZ!

So depressed....

Jami isn't mad at me anymore but Kyle is leaving tomarrow. My bestest friend and I'm not gonna see him for 6 months after tomarrow. Why doesn't my family understand how much I care about him or Justin. Well they both just left.... I'm never gonna see Kyle again and there's very little chance I'll ever see Justin again. Now I am so depressed 'cause all my best friends have left me except Kiwi. Kevin's in Casco, Justin's in Lisbon falls, Kyle's going to Iowa, Jen is grounded, Leola's in Booth Bay.... everyone left me.

Jami is mad at me

Jami is mad at me.
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All I have to say to everybody is get over it and mind your own buisness. From now on I'm only minding mine. Who cares what is going on in everybody else's lifes. I used to be one of those people but now I find those people annoying so that includes me so I'm changing.
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That's all for now. I'm suppose to be working. I'll write more later.

Happy Mode....

Me and Justin got along pretty well tonight so even though I'm still way depressed, I'm in happy mode right now. Jen is still grounded and Kyle is still moving so I'm kinda being abandoned by all the people I love but hey, it's not their fault. I am going to be so lonely ... other than that today was pretty uneventful. I didn't go to school and had to baby-sit Cullen and Sam till four at which time I went down to the Edge. Lee showed up. Oh yeah, Brett showed up at the Edge and he admitted to the whole Trisha thing. Kyle took off with him. I actually missed that kid. I know weird huh? Got a ride from Kiwi's sister's bestfriends home afterwards. Got online and watched Everwood. That's about it. We got McDonald's for dinner. No, I did not eat the bread of my hamburger. Sam got food poisoning though and has been throwing up all night. It's really gross. That's it ... me and Justin were getting along yay! yay! yay! And I was like "people these days need to learn to mind their own business" and he goes "amen sister" and I was like "I meant you too" so I told him off and he didn't even get all offended so I'm really happy. Also he told me he read both the notes I left him. One on my website and one on my blog especially to him..... yay! So now he knows how I feel and how I'm not gonna take any more of his crap and I'm gonna fight back. Ha! God I got to get to bed. Goodnight.