Well yesterday sucked

Ok so yesterday I walked home after school cause I was here in the library until the very last mineut so I missed the bus. I got home and went to the bathroom and guess what.... god I hate being a girl! Anyways... I was kinda saddened by the whole Justin can't go with me to Homecoming thing and I was even more upset by the fact that Kevin is taking Justin to some party Saturday night now that he can't go to the dance. Justin's gonna go to this party, on my day off.... I have to work all night Friday and all day Sunday... Saturday is my day off and god knows that Kevin has to make it so that I can't see his brother... it's just so unfair. I have one day off while Justin's visiting and I won't be able to spend it with him because of Kevin... he seriously ruins everything I try to build up.
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He's suppose to be one of my best friends... actually they're both suppose to be my best friends... yet... they care more about getting fucked up, drunk and drugged up then they care about me. And it's not like we wouldn't have pot to smoke, we just wouldn't be drinking... I can't stand Justin when he's drunk. He gets all sappy, lovey-dovey, then he gets all pushy wanting me to do stuff for him, then he gets all angry and fights with people... I hate that about him. I love the kid, he's one of my best friends... way up there with Kyle... but... he doesn't care about me or my feelings... and niether does Kevin... Kevin who... anyways... I thought me and Kev were really close but he obviously doesn't care about me half as much as I care about him and my eyes are tearing up just having to write down that this is how he must feel about me... I hate my life!

Homecoming

Well, this sucks…. I was so very excited…. I’ve never been to a school dance and it looks like I never will go to one… *tears*…
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Ok… so this coming up weekend Justin has his weekend visit right?... and it just so happens that this upcoming weekend is homecoming weekend and homecoming dance… I asked Justin if he would go with me and he said yes… I was so excited… finally I’d be going to a dance and actually have a date for once… with just a friend but still… now I’m like so depressed because I really got into the whole idea of dressing up and getting my hair done and my makeup and stuff… I was gonna wear last years prom dress that I never got to wear because I didn’t have a date and Jessi was gonna do my hair and my sister was gonna do my makeup and… it would have been so fun but it’s all ruined… I hate the new principal… it’s not that big of a deal… I just… Kevin wouldn’t take me… I don’t even want to go with him anyways… I wanted to go with Justin and show him off and be like… yeah it’s Justin Tilkins back at Cony… but nope… isn’t gonna happen. I’m so sad now… grrr… why can’t anything in my life go the way I want it to?
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In other news… I got to talk to Kyle on the phone last night… only for like 10 minuets but it was better than nothing… he’s telling everyone that the little girl in the picture with him (Gaby) is his daughter lol… that’s so funny… he would have had a baby at 12 years old. That’s so sad. His nephew Donavan is back up in Maine. I guess the baby’s grandmother came and picked him up so Kyle’s family isn’t coming up here for Thanksgiving, so I get to go down there… um… I have $180 saved up to go but I forgot to tell Kyle that…
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Wow the library just totally filled up with people…
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really quickly so I can get down to lunch… me and Kevin are… well I don’t really know anymore but guess what… the whole time I was mad at him…. He was mad at me too… that’s why we didn’t even see each other for like 2 days in a row… I don’t know how he feels anymore but I’m really just sick of always being mad at him all the time… he doesn’t understand how much he means to me and how much he hurts me with the things he does and says…. *sighs*… anyways I’m just gonna try to brush everything off my shoulders for a little while… let everything slide and try not to get upset about anything… Kevin will like me a little more that way I hope… I hope.
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Um… well… I’m going down to C lunch to find Kevin and tell him the bad news… goddamnit! I hate my luck!
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Justin - you have class today so if you read this... I love you... thanx for saying you'd go... it's not your fault the school won't let you, you said yes and I appreciate it... hey wait it is your fault... lol... but I love you anyways...
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Kyle - I love you... you know that... your... my... everything... forever!
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Kevin - eh....

Mad at Kevin.... again!

Well... Kevin and I are no longer friends... I don't know if he knows that or not but... thats how I feel... I wrote him a letter. I haven't seen him today... well that's a lie... I saw him on his poarch with a couple guys earlier... I was walking laundry over to moms when I saw him but I didn't talk to him or anything... other than that I haven't seen him today and... to tell the truth I really don't care... I wish I did... I mean... he's suppose to mean so much to me... certain people know why... but... I don't know. Last night I cried for... like an hour thinking about him and how much he hurts me like every day. I guess it's not just one thing this time... it's all kinds of stuff... but mostly it's the fact that he just doesn't care... he says he does... sometimes... and gets mad at me when I don't believe him... here's part of the letter.

Kevin,
Laying in bed and I can't stop thinking about you. I've decided something - I care way too much about you when you don't give a shit about me. You'll sometimes say you care about ,e and you yell at me when I don't believe you but I don't care anymore. You hurt me so much more than you make me happy. When you won't hug me or say you love me... it hurts so bad because your my best friend and it doesn't seem to mean anything to you. I'm obviously not yours. Kyle is a good friend and you're not. Do you know why? Because he'll hug me whenever I want a hug, he'll hold me and let me cry when I'm sad, and he tells me he loves me without me having to beg him to say it. Does it make you feel happy to know I cry when you don't say it, when you won't hug me? I'm constantly crying because of the things you do to hurt me and I don't want to anymore. I shouldn't be crying over you. You're here with me everyday so I'm not crying because of a good reason like missing you. I'm crying because you hurt me - all the time. So... I don't want you to talk to me or come over my house or anything anymore....... I wish we could still be friends but I don't want to be upset and depressed all the time because my bestfriend acts like he doesn't even care about me most of the time. The bad feeling outway the good and I feel like I need you now but eventually I will be fine without you in my life. It may take... oh ten years or so... but eventually I'll live on.

Lots of Love
Always and Forever
(even if we're not friends)
Tiffy

P. S. I'm sorry.


Yeah... so that's that... I gotta go... Matt's being an asshole.... fuck him!


New Kyle Song:

Christina Aguilera's "I Turn To You"

When I’m lost in the rain,
In your eyes I know I’ll find the light to light my way.
And when I’m scared and losing ground;
When my world is going crazy, you can turn it all around.

And when I’m down you’re there; pushing me to the top.
You’re always there; giving me all you’ve got.

For a shield from the storm;
For a friend; for a love
To keep me safe and warm,
I turn to you.
For the strength to be strong;
For the will to carry on;
For everything you do;
For everything that’s true,
I turn to you.

When I lose my will to win,
I just reach for you and I can reach the sky again.
I can do anything,
’cause your love is so amazing; ’cause your love inspires me.

And when I need a friend, you’re always on my side;
Giving me faith that gets me through the night.

For a shield from the storm;
For a friend; for a love
To keep me safe and warm,
I turn to you.
For the strength to be strong;
For the will to carry on;
For everything you do;
For everything that’s true,
I turn to you.

For the arms to be my shelter through all the rain;
For truth that will never change;
For someone to lean on;
For a heart I can rely on through anything;
For that one who I can run to....
I turn to you.

For a shield from the storm;
For a friend; for a love
To keep me safe and warm,
I turn to you.
For the strength to be strong;
For the will to carry on;
For everything you do;
For everything that’s true,
I turn to you.

For a shield from the storm;
For a friend; for a love
To keep me safe and warm,
I turn to you.
For the strength to be strong;
For the will to carry on;
For everything you do;
For everything that’s true...

For everything you do;
For everything that’s true,
I turn to you...

I got a letter!

I got the letter Kyle sent to me today... I love him so much! Even if his mom did write me more than he did... Um...he took out his piercing and cut his hair all off because I said I missed the old Kyle (and because he wants a better chance at getting a job) Megan and Jessi were about to kill me when I told them he did it because of me lol... and I was used to him with the lip ring and long hair now too... he was gorgeous!
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Um...Saturday I talked to him on the phone for a bit... he said that I might not even get to go down there for Thanksgiving vacation.... because he might be up here for it... his mom is planing on visiting for either Thanksgiving or Christmas...hopefully Thanksgiving so I can see him earlier. He told her that if she brings him up here he isn't going back because it will be like teasing him... I can't wait!
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I also got to talk to Justin for a couple mins... in between Jen, Jessi, and Kevin talking to him... but it was ok because Jen hasn't talked to him in a while... and Jessi... well... you know how he is about her so as long as he's happy... wanna hear something funny??? Jessi is messing around with Mike now... as in my sister's kid's dad Mike... Heavan and Gaby's dad. Yeah... so... for a while there I was a little interested in her but I changed my mind... she reminds me of Jen which is why I think I liked her but... I don't know... I still have NaToni even if we never get to see each other.
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Well the library is closing so I gotta go I guess... write more later... maybe tomarrow from school I will write... who knows nowadays...
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Kyle James Sanchez... I love you!

Wow do you know how great it was to check my blog for comments and find that my two best friends in the whole wide world left me comments?

Kyle - "hey, its me. Wow, things aren't going to great for me. As much as she wasn't meant for me i kinda miss casey. It's no fun having her around always telling me she loves me. Shes like you when you're not here for me. Now i don't have her. well g2g peace!!!

Tuesday, September 13, 2005 12:57:54 PM

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Justin - "Tiffy i love you :) im at the computer lab till 3:45 today but you better call me on time.. :( its not like i did it on purpose. And kyle i miss you man and i miss everyone ecpecially the little ones i have been really depressed lately thinking about them being taken away. but it doesnt matter what laws or whatever are holding us back from seeing them ill lie cheat steal or kill to see my family happy so things have to work out.. Hey im 17 today :) wuts up now BIOTCH! (not directed towards anybody just felt like saying it... :)) "

Wednesday, September 14, 2005 7:10:47 AM

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That made me so unbelieveably happy... I love you guys... and Justin I'm sorry I didn't call you on you're birthday... and you had to call me... lol... or well... your mom's house... but I was at night school until 9pm which is when the cell phones go free. Sorry... but you know I still love you.

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Kyle... Gaby still talks about you being taken away by the cops... I'm sorry Matt's phone died the other night before I could tell you I loved you. I tried and tried to get to call you back but Rose wouldn't let me use her cell and the payphone wanted like 3 dollars and my sister's Subway didn't have long distance... I even thought about walking to Cumby's to buy a phone card for my cell but Matt wouldn't let me use the computer to put the time on it... grr... I hate him... Anyways I can't wait to see you again... god... I can't wait. I miss you so godamn much! I love you!

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Anyways I'm like at school and stuff... so now what's been up with my life... um... well after I left the library Tuesday I had to go to work... That Mark guy was all hitting on me again and stuff... talking about me being good with my mouth and weather I shave or not and weather I spit or swallow and in my head I'm like... eww this pervert is getting a divorse from his wife it's only gonna get worse and ewww he's so old and... eww... NO! I keep talking to him about Jen and NaToni and I think he likes it or something because he keeps getting worse. He asked me if I thought it was sexual harrassment and I was like "No..." not at all sure... I think it is sexual harrassment but he gives me cigerettes and it's not like he's pushed me in the bathroom and forced himself on me... when that happens... we have big knifes in the back room and he will never be able to do that again... and he seems the type too... ewww... Anyways I went home and hung out with Jessi until she left and I went to bed. Wensday is pretty self explanatory... school and then night school... during lunch I walked to Hannaford's and got food with my food stamps... after school I went home... hung out with Jessi and did the dishes... took like a half hour nap... shot out of bed and went to night school. After night shool I went home and hung out with Kevin and Jessi until 10 when Kevin left and like 1 when Jessi left... I went to mom's and made food then watched like 6 episodes of Rosanne.. I went to sleep around like 4:30am or something like that... Thursday was my day off... yesterday I slept till 1:30pm... woke up, hung out with Jessi... hung out with Kevin a bit, went to Wall-mart with Jessi, picked out groceries and ended up calling Kevin's house to get a ride since no one picked up at Mom's and Matt didn't answer his cell... finally got home... got pissed off at Kevin because he said I couldn't keep my hands off him for more than 5 minets... then I went home.... and got drunk... left the room whenever Kevin came in it.

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oh class is over... got to go

Kyle...Kevin...Justin... my loves!

At Lithgow... suppose to be at the skatepark but Kiwi will get over it. Ok... I took a vow or whatnot. I decided that no matter what, I am going to put on a happy front this week.... then I get to be miserable like normal for as long as I want.
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Tomarrow is Justin's birthday... I'm thinking about calling him the next day to rub it in some more about him not calling me on mine but he said he was sorry a bunch of times and that he tried but the staff wouldn't let him... I guess I'm gonna call him on the right day. We went to see him this weekend and... oh my god I missed him so much! Not as much as I missed Kyle and all but still...
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Oh guess what... I got to talk to Kyle on the phone the other day and Matt's cell died right before I was gonna say "I love you, Goodnight" and I couldn't figure out how to get it to work again so I never got to tell Kyle I love him. I'm really traditional and sentimental and stuff so I really like the last thing we say to each other to be "I love you" so that... just incase... anything happens, ya know. Anyways... I felt so horrible and I cried for like an hour... I know I'm pathetic but I can't really help it. Kyle means a lot to me and anyone who doesn't like it can kiss my ass!
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Oh guess what... Russell knows I cut now too... I was wearing my nitey and my socks were like scrunched down or something and he took a picture with his digital camera... a blackmail picture... so now like everybody knows I'm cutting again. Kevin was first... then I told Angelina... then my brother found out and told Megan and Sean and Justin... then I finally sucked it up and told Kyle (whom I love because he understood and didn't critacize me like I thought he would) and then I told Lee... I thought she had already known so it was kinda an accident.
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Anyways... so what else is new? Nothng much really... I've been hanging out with Megan a lot lately... getting close to her even though I don't really want to get close to anyone else because everytime I get close to someone they move away like I have a disese or something... Kyle, Justin, Leola, Jen, NaToni, Alicia, Ashley, Melissa, Larry, Jaylyn, Ilene, ect... I mean... it's horrible... and Megan's already talking about moving to New Hampshire to be with her boyfriend Randy... and Kevin is moving to Arkansaw (sp?) soon too... I hate being alone... I have some serious attachment issues that I need to work on getting over!
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Well I'm gonna be done now... I have better thing I could be doing on the internet... lol... peacerz!

YaY!

I did it! I did it! I did it! I got blogger to post my entry from Matt's computer... anyways, I just wanted to let everyone know I told Kyle and he is the most understanding caring person in the whole wide world along with being the bestest most gorgeous best friend a girl could have! He said he understood my little problem and he doesn't hate me for it! Yay! Yay! Yay!... anyways I'm gonna post all my Xanga's into my blog now that I fnally got this thing to work... ohmygod it was pissing me off!
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Yeah... so... did I write that Justin called the day after he went back to that place (monday) and told me he was home sick and missed me already. I was like awe... and the fact that he got to be there for me when I need someone... that was so ... well... anyways I really missed him being there for me... I missed someone being there for me... I haven't had that since... well since Kyle left... no one has been there for me to just hold me while I cry and try to tell me everything will be ok... which is why I went back to cutting... I mean... at least when Justin and Kyle were living around here trying to get me to stop they seemed... I don't know... respectful... they didn't yell at me and make me wanna do it even more the way Kevin does... Speacking of Kevin... I haven't hung out with him much the past couple of days... yesterday I didn't see him exsept for a couple mins in the hallway at school and then today I spent maybe.... an hour with him after work.... along with Megan, Guido, and Tiffany.... Megan and Kevin have been hanging out a lot lately and I hope she's not replacing me as his best friend... she's cool... but Kevin's my best friend... and I'm suppose to be his... I don't really know too much anymore... it's hard to tell what that one is ever feeling... at least with Justin... you can see if he's mad but with Kevin... he's so... unresponsive... I don't know... I just... I miss him... the way we were this past summer... I miss him is all... and he's right across the street.... but school tires him out so he doesn't spend any time with me... he just sleeps all the time or goes to the skate park.... and I hate the skate park!
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Well at least I got to talk to Kyle last night... god I miss him so much! I got $95 now... Iowa/Kyle... here I come... I love you Kyle. You had better come back up with me... i want you here. Oh and Gaby still talks about you being taken away by the cops... it's so cute... she says she wants you to come live with us. I am not even making this up she said she wants you to live with us Kyle... isn't that the cutest thing ever... God I can't wait to get down there and see Mariah and Christian too.... I miss them cuties... Well Matt just woke up and went to the bathroom so I think I gotta get off the computer now... writemorelaterz!

Justin's here for the weekend

From my Xanga:

Justin is visiting for the weekend... and I have to work constantly... he has to go back tomarrow so I think I'm calling in to say I can't make it. I want to spend the time with him... right now he's at Elena's... my had a sorta small-like birthday party for him today... it was ok... it was just Kevin. Rose, and me.... I bought him a cake and Rose made Chilli dogs... not much of a party but we're all so broke right now... I guess he gets to come down the first weekend of every month for a visit so... that's cool... I've been missing him a lot... when he first got here I acted like I couldn't care less. But to tell the truth... I really did care... a lot... I finished his name on my ankle and it hurts like a bitch... I made the letters really big and it goes across the back of my heal of my foot... you wouldn't believe how much that fucking hurts... I called Jen today from work... Jessi will be down in a couple days... she'll probably be here for Justin's next visit... that'll be fun... watching them... running to my bathroom every time they touch each other in my view... yeah... loads of fun. I still want him to come down and stuff and I want him to be happy... but... I don't know... I thought I was over him... but last night I had this dream... I was giving him a massage and I told him I had a birthday present for him and stuff and well... I kissed him in the dream. I kissed him and he kissed me back and... well... it escalated to much more in my dream... I know it ain't gonna happen... I mean... it would be wrong if it happened... I'm just so confused
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Oh my gosh... everyone knows the Macerena song right?..."Now come on what was I suppose to do? He was out of town and his two friends... were soooo fine"... reminds me of Justin being out of town and... Kevin and Kyle.... yeah... lol... so hilarious!
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Yeah so...life sucks and I have to keep living if only for my baby... aka Kyle... he's my baby... always and forever because I love him more than I hate my life. I mean... he is my life... I saved up $40 now... I'm working on it...
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Yeah... so next week I have to go to regular day school Tuesday and Thursday and night school Wensday... I have to work Tuesday night I think it is... I hate my job so much... like today wasn't so bad... I just hate closing... I hate sweeping and moping... hate it with a fucking passion! And my feet hurt so fucking much!!!!
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anyways... I don't have anything much else to write and I wanna post some pics so check out my photo album... if you go to my blog and like my user profile... you scroll down and it says "Tiffy Jean" and then "Friends" and then "Photos"... well click on photos... there's some good ones up already...
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I love you Kyle James Sanchez bestest friend in the whole wide world!
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I love you too NaToni!

I'm at school

Skipping Accounting to write this... hey I learned the whole first half of the book last year.... what I missed was the secound half because I got all depressed what with Kyle and Justin gone so I withdrew from school and slept a lot. But this is my last chance... I'm gonna do it and get it over with once and for all... um... I've been writing in my Xanga because Matt's computer won't let me post to my blog and I really hate that... this is my Xanga Link ... um... alos check out my photos blog cause I added some new ones.... um... read my Xanga... Oh Kyle called last night and his mom is thinking about moving again because of all the problems with DHS down there and Kyle told her the only other place he would live is Maine so everyone cross your fingers for me at least.... I need him here... Um... wow... I don't even have much to say... I only have to go to school every other day and I don't have to come in till 9am so that's good... oh well times up anyways so I gotta go.
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I love you Kyle James Sanchez!