Prego

Life sucks… I got fired from my job… I need to pay $498 rent… I have no food… no clean clothes…. And I’m pregnant…. I want to have an abortion but I don’t have any money… I’m royally fucked… what am I gonna do???? I wanna just die and get it over with but I’m too fucking chicken… I don’t even know who my baby’s daddy is… I’m such a fucking slut that there are 3 different possibilities… and none of them even care about me at all… they all care about me as a friend of course… but none of them love me…. None of them want to be with me… none of them are in love with me… hell one of them hates me… and he’s the one I’m in love with…. I love him so much and he doesn’t feel anything for me… last night we got into a huge fight that left me crying for hours…. He told me that it’s not his and I should have an abortion and even if it is he isn’t gonna come around to see it or even acknowledge it as existing… my friends started yelling at him because that’s an awful thing to say…. “You put your dick in her, you have to deal with the consequences” and he goes “If she didn’t beg me to fuck her all the time then I never would in the first place”…. That is so horrible… I do not beg him for sex…. The other night he woke me up… I was sleeping on the couch and he’s like “Tiffy I need your help in the bathroom” and I’m like “What? What do you need, I’ll tell you how to do it” and he’s like “no I need your help”… he woke me up to make me go in the bathroom and give him head…. What the fuck… and you know what I did… because I love him… I did it and I didn’t complain at all about being woken up to be used… about a week ago he woke me up with him penis in my mouth…. But I don’t wanna be a head whore…. The “begging” he was talking about was when he makes me give him head and then my mouth gets tired and I wanna fuck so I’m like “My mouth hurts… fuck me” and he’s like “no finish” and I’m like “come on my jaw hurts just fuck me” at least then I would get something out of it too and then he’s like whatever and we fuck…. I don’t wanna be a head slave… it’s not fair for him to get everything and me to get nothing… I give him head whenever he asks… I do not consider it “begging” because I want something out of it too… I do everything for him and I almost never complain… I don’t make him feel like shit because of it or anything… but he makes me feel so unwanted and undeserving all the time… and I know why he doesn’t want me too… it’s because I’m fat… if I were skinny he would love me and we would be happy… but because I’m overweight no guy will ever want to be with me… ever… and it’s not like I can fucking help it… I’ve tried over and over again to lose weight and it just doesn’t happen… I tried… I can’t do it anymore… I was finally becoming ok with my body and then this shit happens and I wanna die all over again… I know it because I’m fat… every single guy I like falls for Jen, Jess, and Amber…. My 3 skinny friends… he liked all 3 of them… but not me… because I’m fat… so I don’t deserve to be happy… I don’t deserve to be loved… I don’t deserve to breathe… everyone cares about me oh so much but I’m not happy and I never will be so I just wanna give it all up already… I don’t wanna bring a baby into this world that’s father isn’t gonna care about it… who’s mother is an emotional wreck and broke as fuck… how am I suppose to afford a baby???? How can I raise a baby when I have absolutely no money… the state will help me out but not forever… and then I’ll have 2 mouths to feed… a screaming baby and no one to help me out… oh sure all my friends say they’ll help me… Amber and Heather and Sean and Jesy… but they’re not gonna be able to be there every second of every day to help me… and they’re gonna realize that my baby is not their responsibility sometime and get sick of the baby and of me and I’ll be alone again… I’ll be even fatter and I’ll have a baby… no one will want me and I won’t blame them…. I’ll be another loser with a baby… and my poor baby is gonna grow up never having anything.. like I never had anything… and I don’t think it’s fair to do that to my undeveloped baby that didn’t do anything… it’s gonna be fucked up because I’m a fucked up loser and why would I want to bring another fucked up loser into this world to make them hate themselves too… I hate my mom for not aborting me when she had the chance… I would much rather have been aborted before I even knew what the world was then I wouldn’t have to live in it… If more people had abortions… maybe there wouldn’t be so many fucking suicides… gawd... I just want the pain to stop… the pain in my heart, the pain in my head, and the pain in my ass… aka babies daddy #2… actually #1 can be a pain in the ass too but at least he somewhat tries… of course he doesn’t love me and neither does #3… he likes Jesy.. of course… because she’s skinny… she can still get guys even after having a baby because she’s so hot that guys are willing to put up with it…. They’ll see me with a baby and look right past… it’s hard enough to get a guy interested in me without having a baby now I’ll just have one more thing that makes guys steer clear of me… I just don’t know anymore… earlier I was crying really hard and I wanted to die and I started to write a diary entry but realized I hate writing… I like typing… I need a computer… bad… anyone wanna give me one… it doesn’t need to be fancy… just have a usb plug and word document and I’m happy… so I can write… it used to keep me sane back when I had one… kept me alive… but yea this is so long so I guess that’s gonna be it…