well I'm home

Well I'm back home... well really I'm at lithgow on the computer.... sigh computer... that was something I really and trully missed. But anyways yeah... I guess Bobby had this gf and he liked her a lot and stuff so he doens't want to mess around with me now that I'm back... oh and yeah I'M NOT PREGNANT!!! no way in hell... my period was just a month late... thank god!!... yeah so.. I saw a lot of people yesterday... Jess is still sexy as hell... but nothing has really changed ya know... I mean... I was gone for a long time and... Laura and Russell broke up but... my mom and me already got into a fight.... Jen still tries her best to keep me happy but gets distracted cause she's always positive... I mean... Jess still kinda ignores me.... I haven't said more than like 5 words to Kevin since we got off the bus.... I don't know it just sucks... I want... I just want to be alone... I can't stand being in Iowa knowing that I'm drifting away from Kyle... my supposed escape from reality was a lie and now I don't have anywhere I can go to escape... I can't go to Kyle anymore... oh yeah and his fucking phone got shut off!!! So even though I said I was gonna come up here and forget about him... now I can't take it back if I wanted to... I can't call him and here his voice... nothing! I talked to Justin and he said I was a traitor and a backstabber.... I just want to confront him... make him sit down and get every vile word he has to say to me out... rag on me for hours if he feels the need... I just want him.... I don't know... it's like... now what will I do....fighting with Kyle hurt me a lot... to the point that I wanted to kill myself just so I wouldn't have to look at his eyes that seemed filled with hate... but... now... I would do anything to look in those eyes... it was hard... living without Jen... it was hard without Jess... it was hard-ish without Bobby or Sean or my family or all the other people up here... but to live without Kyle... I can't do it.... it's already killing me inside to be sitting here knowing that he's so far away from me... I can't go see him... I can't even call him... what kind of bullshit is that... motherfucker!!!!!
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Anyways.. if anyone reads this please comment... say anything ... I don't care I just feel like there's nobody listening to me anymore...

Gahhhhhhhh

We were all set to leave... and then Kayla didn't show up till way later and decided she didn't want to bring us. So now we're leaving tomarrow on the bus for Augusta... we'll get there at 3:55pm... this is gonna suck so much more than driving... ahhh... but at least I'll see Jen and Jess and Bobby and Nick and everybody... Alicia and all... so that will be cool... but I'm gonna miss Tori so goddamn much! She is like my bestest friend for a girl down here.... I know her and Jen would love each other... or else they will absolutely despise each other like my two best friends in 2nd grade did... I'm hoping for the first...
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anyways the other night Kyle sat me down and apoligized for being such an asshole all summer... He said he would take it back if he could... but that isn't possible... we can't re-spend that time together... we can't change it and make it right... I can't take back all the times I thought he hated me and I took it out on myself... I can't take back all the tears... the tears that I'm sheding now as I type... he drove me away by being an asshole, keeping things from me, not respecting me... I feel so sad though... I just realized I'm not gonna get to be here for his birthday... me and Kevin are abandoning him right before his birthday... he's not gonna be feeling too great I know it...
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Why do I feel so bad about leaving???? Why am I crying when I haven't even left yet... I could still just not go home... be stuck in Mason forever with no money.... no way to get home and never see Jen or Bobby or Jessi, or anyone ever again... to be with Kyle forever... I used to say I would in a heartbeat.... but after all my hard work... Kyle didn't like having me around.... we fought and it basically ruined our friendship... so why do I want to stay... shouldn't I want to leave and somehow try to salvage what little part of a friendship we have by spending time apart and stuff... the only thing is... I can't just walk a couple blocks and see him anymore... I won't EVER be able to hug him... as is now he'll only hug me occasionally... but if I'm in Maine that occasionally will turn into never and it's hard enough as it is when he denighs me.... but at least in Maine he won't be able to denigh me... he won't have the chance to....
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why did I have to start writing???? Now I'm bawling and I can't stop... when I was playing around on my myspace I was happy and now I can't stop crying because I'm all depressed now thinking about all this shit and I'm like 2 miles away from him... but that is so much better then 2,163 miles away in Maine.... I'm so confused and scared to make the wrong decision... if I don't go... Kyle and me will keep fighting and I'll be broke and our friendship will probably detriorate so much more than it already has.... but if I do leave... Kevin will have a sappy bawling Tiffy for 48 hours on a bus... and then I might lose my friendship with him.... why does eevrything have to be so hard????

how can he live with himself

Knowing he hurts me so bad?

well i feel like shit

I Leave tomarrow and he wouldnt even hug me goodnight...