Just incase for some reason Justin delets this: Tiffy, i love you i bet your in iowa now. i hope you have fun. call me sometime let me talk to everyone. *muah* i love you. ... that's what he wrote to me on his website June 6th... the day I arrived in Iowa... that was before he decided to put an end to our friendship by telling me I couldn't tell Jen something I think was important for her to know... well I love you too Justin and I hope that someday we can be friends once again because I still love you and I always will....
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In other news.... the last time I wrote I was pretty depressed but now I'm even more depressed... it seems like Kyle doesn't want me here... maybe not exacally that but... he means so much to me and we're growing apart... I fear the longer I stay here the more we'll drift away from one another until I lose him all together... here is a part of the lett I've started writing him... I haven't quite finished it yet... though I don't really know what to say... I just have this feeling I'm not done with it yet:... write more later

My world may be over

I'm sorry Justin and I'm sorry Kevin but Jen had a right to know that something stupid that Kevin did could kill her sooner than expected.... it is not my fault that Kevin is an asshole and made a bad decision....
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Jen says to Justin that if you cared about her you wouldn't care how bad your brtother would look you would care about her life and obviously you don't...
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so you know what you guys can go fuck yourself... if you don't wanna ever talk to me because I wanted to let Jen know something like this then fuck you... I really care about her... she is my best friend and at one point both of you were my best friends too but if you can throw it all away then so can I....
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Justin I loved you with all my heart for 3 long goddamn years and it never got me anywhere so I guess all my time was wasted... you don't even want to be my friend because of your brothers stupid decision well then fuck him and fuck you... you guys have a happy life.... your the one who will be regretting the loss of our friendship because I know I did the right thing by telling her something she deserved to know...
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I'll miss you guys but it seriously is your loss...
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Jenyfer if by some chance you find a way to read this know that I love you more than words can say and I will always be there for you... forever and always ok... I love you.
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Kyle I love you too!

Big Deal

Last night someone asked me to marry him.... he's 34 and he only has a little while to live... he has 4 brain tumors so I feel really bad... the guy is rich and he wants to leave me all his money... Jesy will have a place to live and Shandi will have a horse and I'll have anything I ever wanted... the only thing is... I have to marry him and sleep with him occasionally... I still get Bobby one day a week and I can have chicks anytime I want.... he's rich and has a few houses... I feel bad knowing I don't love him but all he really wants is someone to take care of him and make him happy before he dies... he is 34 though.. and that's old considering I do like younger guys... I don't know... I feel like a whore... like I'm using this guy for his money... which I would be doing... I feel like a gold digger... that's what Kyle called me today... and I feel bad... Shandi and Jess and Newcomb and Cormier are all "He's a good guy" and stuff and... he's dying in 1-5 years... Justin said if he fucks with my head then he's gonna kill him.... Justin made me feel protected.... and he said he'd get Kevin and Kyle to help and if their not ok with that then justin will kill him himself and have his mom help bury the body lol... Kevin was like "let her know I'm definatly ok with that" so yeah.. I felt really loved last night by Justin and Kevin... Brett hung up on me and Kyle is just plain dissapointed in me... he thinks I'm being too easy and stuff but ... yeah... I can't help it... I like sex and now that I know that... I want it..... now that people want me for a change... I mean... it's still all pretty new to me ya know... sex... I've only done it a few times with a few guys... but... see if Bobby would just fuck the shit outta me anytime I wanted it... I would be set and I wouldn't need anyone else... I just want him... everytime I see him I want to rip his clothes off him and stuff... 3 times bitches what! ... he made me feel so good... and I love him so much for that... and with him it... in a way it means nothing... but in reality it means a lot... we're just friends of course but... the fact that I actually like him... and I actually care about him as a person... that means something to me... he would be one of my best friends if I could possibly let anyone else in......
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Kyle you mean the world to me and we have 3 months to think and talk about this... but I am coming back.. I'm not leaving Jesy forever when I love her this much.. no I won't say I'm in love with her because I know I'm not... as of now... I've decided I didn't really love Russell, or Jonathan, or Kevin... maybe I wasn't even in love with Jen or I couldn't feel so much for her sister... I just don't think it would be possible... ya know... I want to be able to take care of Jesy and make her happy... get her away from all her drama.... she would never be homeless again... if I could do that for her she would love me forever.