so...............

OK so today was OK or maybe I should say yesterday because it's 1:23 am right now but yeah. Yesterday was pretty good aside from the fact that Jen is grounded for 3 days for being a pyro LOL. So I didn't get to see one of my bestest friends today. Some things that suck though are Kyle's family moved into the Econo Lounge I think it's called s that means they'll be outta here pretty soon and Kyle wont be coming to school so I wont get to see him and he definitely wont be at the bus stop waiting for me in the morning. I will have no one to talk to at the bus stop. I don't talk to the girls anymore. Our lives are so different I have nothing to talk to them about. I don't know what I'm gonna do... I'm getting really depressed and suicidal again... I hope I can pull out of it again like I did before. I mean I was really depressed bad before but then well, Alicia and Justin broke up and we started playing out the joke that we were dating and that was fun and I was hanging out with Justin and Kyle every night and Kevin was around for Vacation that cheered me up and I got the CD burner that I wanted and I don't know I was OK then but now....school is back pounding in my head "5 more months and your fucking it up!" "Get outta bed and go to school you fucking lozer!" keeps running through my head. I'm fucking it up so bad. I really am. I haven't been to my even day classes since before vacation and I know I'm gonna fail all my half year classes for absences. My American Pop Music class, gawd that class is so easy and I'm gonna fail it. That's really gay. I think I'm gonna fail Math and Wellness. I have no clue what's gonna be on the math final, NONE! My English class book "1984" has a lot of big words and complicated sentencing. I mean I'm a good reader I fucking read just for the hell of it all the time and this book is giving me trouble. It's just like what the fuck is the point? I don't get it? My Art class is dumb. We have to do a project every quater of our own choosing and pick an artist that their work is somewhat like ours and write a paper on the artist then give a big speech at the end of the quarter on it right. Well, I never wrote the stupid paper and I only did one piece of artwork when I was supposed to do two but didn't cause I didn't have enough time because I stayed home too much so I fucked that up. Not to mention we were all supposed to do these stupid heritage banner thingy's and I took mine home for Thanksgiving Vacation and lost it somewhere between my house and Nick's. I thought I had left it at Nick's but they never found it so I don't know what happened to it. If Justin hadn't been such an asshole that night I never would have lost it. But I can't blame it on him. I was the one who got upset and forgot about the stupid banner. Whatever, so I'm gonna fail Art. Who the hell fails ART?!!? Stupid people fail art!!!! Stupid people like me who are forgetful and lazy and depressed all the time. The only thing that ever brings me out of my depression is the little bit of the time where Kyle sits down and really listens to me while I talk. I love that about him. That he'll actually listen to me. Justin I could be talking to for hours and he wouldn't retain a word I've said but Kyle remembers stuff I say to him. Fuck, Justin read my whole very very obsessive diary about him. The one where I list out all his good qualities and everything and talks about how I cut myself over him and how depressed he makes me feel and shit and he can't remember any of it. All he remembers is that he forgot it was him who I was talking about and at the beginning he thought this "Justin" kid was cool but became an asshole near the end. And I was like yeah that's about right. But the thing is he never remembers anything **coughpotheadcough** and Kyle does. That's why Kyle is my bestest overall best friend and I would jump in front of a train for him or I don't know anything. I would do anything for that kid (nothing sexual Kyle don't get any bright ideas). But I love him so much and I will have no one I can talk to like I can talk to him ever again. There are certain things that I can't even tell Jen and Kiwi, I mean I want to but I can't. Well, I guess there is one person I can talk to and that's my cousin Leola. I mean I tell her everything too but it's different. She's family and stuff ya know. But even she lives all the way in Booth Bay Harbor ya know. I don't know. Now what was I talking about oh yeah school.... lets see period 1: English- book's 2 hard, period 2: guidance help - no credit didn't go enough, period 3: Wellness - 2 many absents, period 4: Math- haven't been to class in...forever and have no clue what's going on in that class oh yeah and i hate our new slutty teacher, Period 5: Art -fail, period 6: APM - fail, period 7 - Study, period 8: Accounting - now this class I actually like too bad I don't know what's going on because I haven't been in class in forever! So yeah that's school looks good huh? Nope I didn't think so either. And the saddest part is I'm 18 years old. I don't want to be in high school at 19 fucking years old. I'm gonna have to take night school classes and summer school classes. Not to mention I still owe the school $210 for this last summer's school I went to. eeerrrrr! and my job is crappy I make no money whatsoever and I tried to get another job but I can't get hired anywhere. I don't know what's wrong. I know I don't want to work around any type of food cause of my diet and I can't work at most retail stores in town because I used to be a big time shoplifter and I don't want them knowing my name and shit in case someone remembers me from a surveillance tape or something. My Mom says I'm paranoid but so what if I am, they can charge you up to three years later for shoplifting and that scares me. Hell I just stole a bunch of batteries yesterday so yeah I'm scared. But I like the rush and I like free stuff too. Ok so some other bad shit happening, one of my very bestest friends mom is getting really sick and that's making her sad. I feel so bad for her. It's Kiwi for anyone who doesn't get it. Her mom is getting sick again and I can't do anything to help her out with this. Not to mention a certain couple asshole guys are making her life a living hell. I really hate guys. Boys are just not worth all the energy us girls put into them. All they do is take our hearts and stomp on them and spit on them and well you get the point. If Kyle wasn't male I think I would give up on the whole species. But Kyle is proof that there are a few good ones out there somewhere. There just aren't enough Kyle's to go around and it's not fair. Oh one good thing Jen 3-wayed me and Kevin and I got to talk to Kevin. He said I have to update my site LOL. He keeps going to the wrong one. I have a new one now. Also, he's coming up next weekend so that should be fun. I missed him already.I think I'm gonna have Leola come up too just because it's gonna be Kyle's last weekend her I think and she really likes him. *New Years* made her so happy! Well, it's getting pretty late and Justin will be here to wake me up in a few hours so I better get some sleep tonight.
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KYLE I LOVE YOU!
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JUSTIN I LOVE YOU!
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KIWI I LOVE YOU!
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KEVIN I LOVE YOU!
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JEN I LOVE YOU!
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Goodnight!