Well...So

Ok I'm gonna be complaining some more so.... #1 Kyle is still moving. What am I gonna do. I won't be able to deal with Justin being such an asshole if Kyle's not around to pick me up and put me back together after I fall apart and I'll have no one. He's my best friend and I need him. Why do all my best friends keep getting taken away? It's not fair! My life is so royally screwed up and I know Kyle doesn't want to leave us he just can't help it. He's not old enough to move out or anything. Plus, I know that kid, he loves his family and doesn't really want to leave them. But it sucks. I finally get really close to someone to the point where that person almost knows more about me than I do myself and he gets taken away from me. He's the only one around here keeping me sane. I tried with Justin. I really did. I really wanted him to be one of the people I can talk to about everything and he is, to an extent. I just there's stuff I'll never be able to tell Justin that I can actually tell Kyle. I don't know... I just... wish I could crawl into bed tonight and have my whole life start over from the beginning. I would make it so that when my dad kidnapped me at 6 I wouldn't let him fatten me up and get me used to fattening foods. Did u know that before my dad kidnapped me I was skinny? My mom did a good job taking care of me. But I was a spoiled little brat and after my mom got me back and we went grocery shopping I'd always beg for canned food and chocolate until my mom gave in. Then when I was really little I remember stealing candy bars like 6 at a time and eating them off in little corners of K-mart. I don't know. All that combined with my very slow metabolism.... now I'm fucking huge. I am losing weight yes but I still have a long way to go. And even when I get to my ideal weight he still won't love me. He told me he wouldn't. He said he already found the girl he loves and wants to spend the rest of his life with "and guess what it's not you" That's what he said. Oh great now I'm crying. Why couldn't I have been perfect? Why couldn't he love me just for who I am? I go "Justin tell me what's wrong with me other than my weight and I'll fix it" I told him I would even go as far as plastic surgery to get him and I know I can't make him love me but it did nothing. There is nothing I can say and nothing I can do that will change his mind ever. He loves Jessi and he doesn't love me. I just I want ever little bit of him. I want him to be the guy I go to when I need someone to just hold me while I cry but he will never do that for me. He can't. He doesn't love me and he doesn't care. He said there's nothing else wrong with me. He can't name one thing wrong with me besides my weight problem. I'm a cool friend to him and that's all I'll ever be.
SO WHY CAN'T I JUST GET OVER HIM ALREADY what the hell is wrong with me? There has to be something!! I'm nice and funny and cool to hang out with. I give him everything barely expecting anything back (what can I say I don't want to be a slave, I like getting rewards). I can't make up a way to change myself to be better and he can't give me one. Oh gawd you guys I love Justin so much and I'll never have him and I love Kyle so much and he's being taken away from me.... what the hell is there to live for huh? Give me a reason. There are none. I...I....no one will ever love me like I love them especially if I can't get over Justin long enough to ever love anyone else. I've loved him for 2 years in March. 2 YEARS That is a long fucking time to be in love with somebody and not have that somebody love you back. What the hell am I gonna do? I'm actually trying to lose the weight now for once in my life but for what? Why am I doing it? He won't love me any more or want me any more so what is the point. No Offence Jen but I wish Jessie would just go away and not contact him anymore so then maybe I could have some chance in hell. But that isn't gonna happen is it? She's gonna keep showing up and showing up and soon she'll move back and they'll be a couple and I'll have to watch them being all over each other and I won't be able to cry to Kyle about it cause he'll be in Iowa. Kyle's really moving.. ohgawd I am really bawling now. Reality has set in and everything sucks! I just wanna give up on everything because what is the point? Really...like what is the point of any of it? My fucking wrist hurts but I guess that's what I get. It feels better for a couple of mins and then it all just hits harder that I'm a fat "Loser" who's friends all leave her and boys never love her and I'll always be the best friend but never the girlfriend no matter what I do. Not with Justin. Not with anyone. No one is gonna love some freak who cuts herself up over some boy who doesn't even love her. Never did and never will. Who will want me if I can't get over him. Justin says I put all this pain on myself. Like I have some little switch in the back of my head that I can just flick and all my feelings for him will be gone in an instant. Tell me something Justin do you think you could get rid of all your feeling for Jessi in an instant? It's not that easy. I love everything about him. The way he moves, the way he eats, the way he over-thinks every little thing (classic Virgo trait), the way his voice sounds,the way he picks up cute little things from movies and makes them his own, how he can make me laugh, he makes me smile when I'm upset, the way he twirls his hair into little knots when he's bored or thinking because he just can't help it, it's his "nervous habit" he says. I love his eyes and how they get big and glazed when he's high and crinkle up when he laughs, but his laugh is goofy and I love that too. I like his arms. I say I don't but the thought of him holding me in his arms someday... I don't know.. it's just like an ultimate fantasy. Just for him to hold me in his arms and I would be in Heaven. I like his taste in movies and music. He's introduced me to all kinds of brand new music I would never have listened to before. I love that he's so practical and can think so far into the future even though he makes some pretty stupid on the spot choices *wink wink*, I think it's weird but I like the way that when he gets all mad he turns bright red. I get scared of him yes but I feel protected around him too if that makes any sense. I love that he would stand up for his friends against anyone, he acts like he's not afraid of anything and that's a huge turn-on. He's really honest and trustworthy. I kinda like the way he makes me wait on him like a maid. It's kinda cute, which is weird but I like to be able take care of him and his wants and needs ( of course certain needs he won't let me take care of LOL) He's extremely smart and gets all quiet and trance-like when he's concentrating. I love all his flaws I used to find annoying, I now know that they make him who he is and I love him for it. I love it how he can only sing when he's not trying and only to certain songs. Some songs he sounds really bad singing along to them but other times when he's just sitting there and he's not thinking about it. He can sound really good like especially the song "All Star" by Smash Mouth. He sings that really well. Poor guy everyone tells him he sings bad when really his problem is he thinks to much about it and it gets him nervous and he screws up. I love the way his eyes get big when he's concerned about me and he asks what's wrong with me and I love it that he gets frustrated really easily but he still keeps trying to make me understand his stupid Runescape stuff. I don't know I just love everything about him. The only bad things about him are he's very critical (classic Virgo trait again) so he makes fun of me and calls me names. Which yes, I do get upset but I get over it. I love him to much to hold a grudge. I don't like it that he hits on all of my friends. Even the ones he says straight-out to me that he doesn't like them, he still hits on them. It's so bad that I don't let my friends spend the night because of it. Because I know that if I have a friend stay the night not only will I not be able to talk to him all night cause he'll be so busy trying to get in her pants but I also won't get to talk to her all night because she'll like it. All my friends like him. Why wouldn't they? They don't see and know everything I know about him but they can still see that under that hard ulterior shell is a great guy. I can see it. Why shouldn't I expect others to see it too. I don't like the way he talks really bad about his ex's and any girls that have ever done anything with him. That he's egotistical, self-centered, and conceited. He makes me feel worthless and suicidal. And the thing I don't like about him the most is when he tells me nothing will ever happen between us, ever! That just breaks me down and hurts so much. And when he threatens me by saying if I do this, or I don't do that he'll never talk to me again that really hurts because all I want is to talk to him and be around him because "When you like somebody proximity is a good thing, regardless of how they feel about you? Or don't. As the case maybe. ~ Pacey about Joey on Dawson's Creek. You get it? It just helps to be around him and talk to him and stuff anyways I got to go to bed... I just.... I'm in love with him and he doesn't love me and it sucks so I'm gonna go get in bed and cuddle up with Jimmy and cry myself to sleep.... See ya'll tomorrow I guess or whenever.... Jen girl you better have read this... I love you. Your one of my very bestest friends. Your one of the only reasons I'm sticking around too.......................
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I LOVE YOU KYLE JAMES SANCHEZ!****YOUR MY VERY BEST FRIEND IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD!