Replaceable...

It hurts when he denies me. It hurts when he says he'll never talk to me again. It hurts when he says he'll never love me. But I realized something. All that is nothing compared to how I'm feeling now. I feel.... replaceable. Do you know how that feels? To know that your ex-best friend has replaced you. It took me so long to become his best friend (or one of them) and now.... I think Jen has replaced me. I mean I know he likes her as more than a friend, and yeah that hurts a little. That he can like my best friend and not me when I love him so much. But they seem to be getting so close. And yeah I think it's cool. I mean Jen is my best friend and I want my friends to get along and stuff. I just feel like.... I don't know. This is worse. Jen replaced me. And she did it so quickly. I tried so hard and nothing I do is right. Nothing I say can make him forgive me for what I did. I'll never get him back. I just...wanna go cry. I really want to talk to Kyle but Kyle seems to have disappeared off the face of the earth. His sister Kari went into labor last night but he's been gone with Elena for the past 2 days since Monday night. It's not fair. He has so little time left and he's spending it away from me. I feel like he's already in Iowa. And with him in Iowa and Justin ... ignoring me and stuff. I don't know what to do. I have no one to talk to anymore. I can't talk to Jen about this. It's not her fault Justin likes her so much more than me and that they've become so close so fast but I just can't tell her I feel so forgotten and left out. I don't think she would understand. She would probably try to say something to make me feel better like... "I could never replace you Justin cares about you a lot" (when I know he doesn't) or "I have Kevin, what do I need Justin for, I love Kevin!" She would tell me that everything's not my fault and it'll all get better and stuff because that's what she does. And yeah sometimes I love it. She can be so fun to hang around with and to help forget but the minuet she's gone I'm all depressed and remembering again. Remembering that I did something he'll never forgive me for. Remembering how it used to be and will never be again. I fucked up so bad. And I really don't want to regret what I did. I mean it was fun and at the time it seemed like an OK idea ya know, but the consequences.... I should have known better. To the guy - I'm sorry I regret it but you know how much I love Justin and I wish I could take it all back and pretend it never had happened or have it not have happened. God I love him and I messed it all up! I'll write more later. I got to get offline so that Jen can call.