He's mad cause I said I love him

Jen kissed me yesterday it sucks that she's straight though. Too bad. It's OK though cause I knew that ahead of time. Plus she's my best friend, I don't need to be attracted to her, it's weird.
.
.
.
In other news - I talked to Justin on the phone a little bit. He picked on me again and told me I "fucked it all up" again. It's not fair. Why can't he just forgive me? It wasn't that bad.
.
.
.
OK that was what I had wrote earlier when Kyle and Jen were here. Now I um ... have something new to be depressed about. This convo:

good night, sleep tight, and all that good stuff, love you goodnight
shut up your so dumb, and don't fucking say that
I'm sorry, say what
peace
say what
the l word
I love you goodnight?
i don't want to hear that shit
oh get over it
u are the dumbest person i know I'm blocking you, happy
i love all my friends, no
and plus I'm not gonna talk to you, good job, peace
OK I'm sorry jeez
(Mine is in bold)
.
.
Yeah and then he signed off. I can't believe he got so mad over a few little words. I say it to everyone. I just happen to actually mean it when I say it to him. I mean I really do love all my friends but I'm in love with him. But that's besides the point. The point is I was saying it, or in this case typing it, casually. Like "good-bye I love you" except goodnight. I say it to everyone. It wasn't supposed to be a big deal but he must have like some serious issues with me right now because he gets upset about anything I say. I mean I guess he has some sort of a right to get mad about the other thing, not that it's really any of his business what I do and with who, but this...it was seriously not supposed to be some big thing. Whatever, let him take it how he wants to take it. I'm starting to get sick of all his shit and him getting mad at me over every little thing. I mean I know he doesn't love me. He doesn't really even like me right now, why should I ever expect anything out of him like um ... friendship. Nope it's too hard for him I've realized. I'm probably gonna regret putting this out there for anyone to read but I'm really sick of him. Why do I try so hard to get nothing in return? Why do I put myself through this with him everyday? It doesn't make any sense now does it? But I can't help it.... I love that jerk and I can't get over him. I try and try and it never works out.

"Death to me and life for you, Something isn't right, And I need some space to, Clear my head to think about, My life, And I can't be alone"..."With or without you, We fight it out"..."I must confess, I'm falling apart" ~ Papa Roach - Decompression Period


That song doesn't really remind me of Justin. There's already too many songs that do. That song just reminds me of now. Like.... I don't know... I'd die for Justin ... and something isn't right about me... I need to think about myself instead but I don't want to be alone ... to think about my life with or without him in it ... we fight a lot ... and I am falling apart thinking about it. I don't know...it's just a symbol of the time and how I feel right now.
.
.
"And I'll take you back if you'd have me" ..."Come on let me hold you touch you feel you, Always, Kiss you taste you all night, Always" ...."And I'll miss your laugh your smile, I'll admit I'm wrong if you'd tell me, I'm so sick of fights I hate them"..."So here I am I'm trying"
.
That's the song I was just listening to. I want to touch him, feel him, kiss him always LOL. I do miss his laugh and his smile. I'd say I was wrong if he fought with me long enough but I'm so sick of fight. Also, I'm trying to make him forgive me. Don't you just love how musician's can put your own feelings into songs without even knowing you. Songs are so universal. I love music. So why did I fail American Pop Music in school? Oh yeah cause I skipped class a lot to go to extra lunches with my friends, that's right.
.
.
Now I'm listening to Justin Mix 2. Smile Empty Soul's "All My Problems"... It's 4:35 am..... Now "Only One" by Yellowcard. Justin is my "only one" He really is too. He's the only one who gets me like he does...... made my mistakes let him down...ran my whole life in the ground, I can't get up when he's gone ... something's breaking up I feel like giving up.
.
.
Wow my head feels like it weighs a million pounds I am so tired. 4:46am
.
.
Michelle Branch - Good-bye To You. "I still get lost in your eyes and it seems that I can't live a day without you, closing my eyes and you chace my thoughts away..."


"Mama tells me I shouldn't bother, that I ought to stick to another man, a man that surely deserves me, but I think you do!... So I cry, and I pray, and I beg...Love me love me, say that you love me, fool me fool me, go on and fool me, love me love me, pretend that you love me, leave me leave me, just say that you need me, I can't care 'bout anything but you... I don't care if you really care as long as you don't go." The Cardigans ~ Lovefool.
.
But seriously my Mom does tell me he doesn't deserve me (and so does everyone else I know) I cry over him and I pray for him and well I don't really beg, but I really wish he would love me. Pretend that he loves me, that would be nice, even if he's not sincere cause I really don't care about anything but him and I don't care if he really cares as long as he doesn't leave me. It's horrible thinking I may never see him or talk to him ever again.
.
.
"I'm giving up on everything because you messed me up... I won't forget you were the one that was wrong I know I need to stand up and be strong....gotta get away, there's no point in thinking about yesterday, it's too late now, It won't ever be the same" ~ Avril
.
.
"Lost in emotion, deep in your ocean of lies....Romeo, lay down your ego.....who you are is the way you speak of others....is this the way you treat your friends" ~ Lindsay Pagano
.
.
Now the goddess of Justin songs: Sarina Paris "I'm fragile, all I do is cry ... and you didn't even want me, I'm lost and lonely, Can't live without you..You, every beat of my heart, every day of my life, every thought on my mind, every second you" -You "Contemplatin' every day,Wondering' if I'm wasting' all of my time, You know I'm dedicating' every thought on only you... And so I wait through the night, Cause tomorrow you might find, That you will need me again For some tender loving' care, So I wait hoping' you, Will discover you're in love, That you need me, As much as I need you, And so I wait all my life, Hoping' one day you will see, That love's a lock, You're the key, You will come and rescue me, So I wait hopin' you, Will discover you're in love, That you need me, As much as I need you, It gets frustration' time and again, But I am not complaining' cause in the end, If I just keep believing', No matter what, I'll be with you" ~ So I Wait "Cannot take anymore of you, Just about enough, You got me over the edge, Just about enough, You won't give me what I deserve,I’m no fool, Gotta get away from you, After all you put me through, Boy, I’m still in love with you, Oh, but you don't seem to care, you keep pushing my love down the stairs....I have given all to you, Gotta change my point of view, ‘Cause all I get in return, is a heart getting torn apart" ~ Just About Enough
.
.
.
Well I'm gonna listen to my music on my own now.. It's 5:17 and I'm really tired. I'm probably be out in minuets ... goodnight