Jessi's Back

Jessi got mad at Justin because he kissed Jen but she’s forgiven him now. I’m pretty sure they’re gonna get back together. He loves her I guess. They love each other and they’re gonna be together forever and it’s gonna kill me. She’s not like all the other girls he’s been dating. She’s absolutely perfect! She has the perfect little body and everything. Plus she’s really pretty. I’m not her and I never will be so he will never love me. He’s all I want in life. Everything would just fall into place if I had him. I’m sure of it. I feel for him the way he feels for her the only difference is she feels the same way back about him. I really do want him to be happy and I know he won’t be happy with me. The only way he’ll be happy is by being with her and I can’t do anything about that. I love him so much. Last night after I read his webpage about how much he hates life and loves Jessi so much and she’s the only girl he’s ever loved blah, blah, blah, I actually started bawling. My eyes filled with real tears and everything. I was crying so hard. Right now even my eyes are tearing up thinking about his website message. Anyways I got him out of bed at 3am for nothing. I went over there and I just wanted to cry to him but I couldn’t tell him what was wrong. It’s him. He is what is wrong with me. He causes everything I feel, live, die, it’s all him. He is everything to me. I don’t really care about any of my friends other than Kyle. No offence to whoever is reading this if anyone but really no one else is really of any importance when it comes to Justin. I love him with everything I have. I try to give that boy everything. I do anything he asks. I try so hard and nothing I ever do will make him love me like I love him. Want me like I want him. I just want him to take me in his arms and hold me while I cry. Laugh with me when I laugh. Kiss me when….well you know. Without him I’m a big ball of nothing. He is what I think about all day when I should be thinking about school work or my sick grandmother or my other friends come to talk to me. The whole time I’m listening to them but really thinking about Justin and what he’s doing and how he feels because that’s what I care about. I care about him and nothing else. How did I let myself become so wrapped up in one very stupid boy? I really want him to be happy but it just hurts so much. Knowing that soon he’ll be touching her and kissing her and telling her all the things I wish he would say to me but won’t and can’t because he doesn’t feel that way about me. Why did she even have to come back around? Why? He thought he was over her. What if she breaks his heart again and he actually goes off the deep end and kills himself. I’ll be the one dieing inside. Not her. I can’t stand the thought of them together in the same bed again and everything. My arm looks like it’s been through a meat grater. I just want it all to end. All the pain in my life, what is there to live for if he doesn’t want me? How do I ever expect to find someone when I can never truly love someone until I get over him and I can’t make myself get over him? I’m too weak. I need to love him. It’s my thing. It’s all I have going on in my life. I just want him to love me but I know that’s too much for me to expect because I can’t get anyone to love me. No one ever will, will they? I should just give up. What’s the saying “No one can love you, till you love yourself” that’s Justin’s reason why I can’t possibly love him, because he doesn’t love himself. Well, that’s why no one will ever be able to love me, because I don’t love myself. I HATE MYSELF AND JUST WANT TO DIE! There really is nothing to live for without him in my life. I have so much fun with him. He can make me laugh so hard and he can make me cry so long. He is who I worry about on a daily basis. I don’t mind worrying about him. I want to be there for him through anything. I love him. What will I do? I’ll end up hurting myself really bad if they get back together. Right now my wrist is on fire and hurts really bad there are 23 different cuts on my wrist. I hate myself! Why can’t I just die and get it over with. There’s nothing that can take away this pain. Not even the best drugs and alcohol will make me forget that he doesn’t love me. All the cutting won’t make me forget. Nothing will. What is wrong with me? Oh yeah, I’m in love with an asshole who doesn’t love me back and never will. I just want to be able to move on. I can’t help it that I love him so much. He says I do this to myself. Like I just chose to feel this way about him. Like he had nothing to do with it. Like if he wasn’t so funny and cute, and easy to talk to, and smart, and just an all around cool guy I wouldn’t be in love with him. Well ya know what he is all those things. He can make me feel so great with just a few words. He makes me feel so good about myself sometimes and I need that in my life but no I can’t have it. I’m not good enough. Do I not deserve to be happy? Is that it? Was I born to be another lonely pathetic suicidal lozer. I don’t know I guess I’m gonna end now because well I’ve complained about myself long enough….well not really it’s just my wrist hurts and I want to stop tying and look up things….cutting….suicide songs (new mix cd), you know all the things one normally looks up online…… byes for (ever, now what I don’t know)