Phone calls.....

Ok so anyone want to hear what I'm complaining about tonight? Well I cut myself again. Sorry to anyone who asked me to stop. It just really hurt...bad! Ok so Justin was in my room and he called Jessi on the cell phone. That hurt a little. Then she told him she would call him back in a few mins. and she called back the wrong phone. MY PHONE! and that hurt a lot! My house, my room, my phone even.. The one girl in the entire world that I'm actually scared of. I'm scared she'll take him away. Well I guess that's what I get for not being perfect enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, nothing is do is even right and I'm never enough for him. So yeah I took off so I didn't have to listen to him flirting with her on, again, MY PHONE! It's not fair. He knew. He must have known it would hurt me for him to do that. He must have and he did it anyway. I really do like Jessi. She's a cool person but I'm scared of her power over him. She has power over him like he has power over me. I don't know... I just wanted everyone who told me not to, to know and try to understand how much it hurt more in my head than on my wrist. My wrist will hurt now but if the pain in my wrist can make me forget about Jessi and Justin for even a secound it's worth it. Hey Kyle I was really crying again so I guess that problem's fixed now. I've been crying pretty steadily lately now with actual tears and everything.
And I was in such a good mood today for once. The whole half day of school which gave Jen time to hang out at my place was cool but the one class I missed getting out early was the only class I wanted to go to that day (Accounting) because I hadn't been to that class in like forever. God I'm still bleeding for pete's sake. And now I'm smoking my very last cigerette because I gave alot out to peoples but hey they share with me when they have them and I don't so I don't like saying no ya know? God I'm stressed out of my mind!!!! I hope tomarrow is a snow day or well today now but I hope it's a snow day but it doesn't look like it will be because it's not even snowing or anything right now.(12:23am)I just want to sleep all day long and cry a little to myself. But I know I won't be able to because Justin and Kyle will show up to visit with my computer and stuff. Yeah I said my computer all they ever do is play Runescape on my computer when they're over here. Kyle sometimes talks to me but if there's any other girl around he's trying to get in her pants instead of talking to me by saying "2 weeks". Yeah Kyle we get it, we'll never see you again, that's for making it harder on me. I already cry myself to sleep why do you have to keep reminding me that the world as I know it is about to end. Because it will when he moves. My life will be crappy and I'll have no one to talk to about it. Jen is like my best friend and there's a bunch of stuff I can't even tell her cause Justin would get mad at me. Hell there's even stuff I keep from Kiwi and Jaylyn and everyone because Justin would get mad. Leola, my cousin, is really the only girl I can talk to without Justin getting mad and that's only because she lives in Booth Bay Harbor or I couldn't talk to her either. It's not fair but whatever. Justin has his secrets and I really shouldn't have to talk to other people about them but I can talk to Kyle about everything because if I don't tell Kyle something then I know Justin will anyway. Whatever, I'm really gonna miss him. I can't believe he's really leaving me. It's not fair! I can also talk to Kevin all I want but Kevin lives all the way in Casco. Gawddamnit! Why do all my friends have to move away on me! Errrrr....
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Oh so yeah I got to talk to Kevin on the phone today. He might not be able to come up this weekend. Which means he probably won't get to see Kyle before he leaves for Iowa. That really sucks! I would be so mad if it was me. I would be throwing such a hissy fit it's not even funny. It might be immature but ya know what I don't care I would be flipping out on my grandparents if I were him.
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I talk to Lee too. We three-wayed Kevin. But yeah Lee is coming up this weekend cause Kyle is leaving and she likes him a lot so I wanted her to have a chance to see him before he leaves for Iowa.
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I don't really know what else to write.. Oh yeah today Justin said I wasn't his best friend. I never way and I never will be so yeah.. that hurt a lot too. Today was just an all around bad day between me and Justin. I love him so much and he makes me feel miserable about it. He thinks I... I don't know what he thinks...but it's not right. I love him and I want to be his best friend since he won't have me as anything else. Now what do I have. Nothing! He goes "I don't even like you" so yeah now I'm gonna cry again thinking about this. He's one of my best friends and I'm not one of his. He used to say I was and he even told Jen that I was but he didn't want me to know because I would get to excited but now he denies I was ever his best friend. Pretty soon he'll say we're not even regular friends anymore. I swear the only thing holding my and Justin's friendship together is Kyle and when I lose Kyle I'll lose Justin too so yeah... I'll be friendsless.
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And Jen don't get offended but sometimes I feel like the only reason your my friend is because you like the boys I hang out with. I hope I'm wrong because I really trust you ( which it's hard for me to truelly trust people) and your one of my best friends but sometimes I don't know.. I don't feel like I'm yours...
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Well Justin is not waking me up in the morning becuase he hates me so I got to be getting to sleep now. Hope somebody actually reads this....


Kyle I love you

Jen I love You!

Kevin I love you!

Kiwi I love you!

Justin.......what do I say? I'm not sure.....