NaToni, NaToni, NaToni!!!

I apreciate so much that you actually read my blog... unlike my other loser friends who just skim it when they get the chance. The only thing is that you're not here to make me upset. That's why I don't talk about you too much. But you are a good friend. Today I got into a fight... with Kyle, of all people.

My head is really messed up and I tried to explain to Jen how I can't help it that I'm always depressed. That I'm not the same person I was when I first met her. That everything about me has changed for the worst. That I hate my life so goddamn bad!

I wanted to walk with Kyle to Elana's cause he was suppose to stay there tonight but Jen and Jessi ended up going and Kevin was already going... Kyle I guess got anoyed with me because I'm reminded him that he has to leave soon by wanting to spend time with him before he leaves. I got off my lazy butt for the first time this entire summer just so I could spend a couple more minets with him and I annoyed him by doing it. Jessi and Jen didn't want to walk in the dark on the rail trail but they didn't want to make me walk alone either. I told them I didn't mind but they wouldn't listen and Jen got all mad at me because I still wanted to keep going when they wanted to turn around and walk back. I just wanted to spend more time with him. I feel like I've wasted this entire month's worth of time to be with him. He says I make him be depressed about leaving. That I remind him of how much he doesn't want to go back. Well guess what Kyle... I don't want you to go back either. I want you to stay right here and hold me when I cry and tell me you love me everyday and be there for me. I don't want you to leave. Ohgawd... I hate crying.
Anyways, I faught with Kyle about that and then I gave everybody the silent treatment figuring that if everyone wants me to keep my feelings hidden and be happy well... then at least if I don't talk at all then no one will know how I'm truly feeling inside. How I want to rip out my hair and scream that "I *** *** **** ***** ***" yeah... that.... I want to tell Jen how I feel and why I feel it but I just can't and it hurts so godamnmuch! No matter what I tell her she'd never understand anyways. She wouldn't understand that my life is just not what it used to be. I lost something I held really close to my heart and now... I am nothing. I feel everything 10 times worse than I ever have and I am still nothing!

Well I got to go... I'm getting yelled at for being on the computer. God I hate my mother's asshole boyfriend! I gotta go.