Contemplating suicide

I've been depressed and suisidal a lot lately... .
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Sometimes I just feel... like I'm not good enough for anyone to love me. Well... by love me, I mean fall in love with me. I fall for all these asshole guys who have girlfriends and use me. The guilt is overwelming and it hurts so bad that I want to kill myself sometimes... a lot more often recently... it just hurts is all I can say.
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and soon my best friend in the whole wide world will be taking off for another state... will be thousands of miles away... and I can't stop it. I can't do anything about it. I need him so much... he's the only one I feel like I can talk to... even though he calls me a nutcase and stuff... he's still the only one who knows anything about me and my life. I have to keep everything bottled up inside and I feel like I'm gonna burst but I can't let it out or people would hate me and I can't stand to have people hate me.... so I keep theses secrets that are tearing me up inside...
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I just don't know what else to do anymore... I will take this secret to the grave.... I'm trying to make that come sooner but everybody tells me not to... I don't see the point. It's not like I'm doing anybody any good. I'm not even a good friend...
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I just... I want someone to share all this pain with... someone who will just hold me during the rough times and tell me it'll be ok... someone who will kiss me whenever I want a kiss... someone who will tell me they love me and mean it in a way that isn't as a friend.
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Jen and Kevin have been together for almost 8 months now... my longest relationship lasted about 3 months and he was never around except when we were fooling around... it was nice that he was sexy as all hell... Peurto Rican (however you spell it) and six pack abs... but when he wasn't around I fooled around with his friends... I dated one of his friends while I was still with him... the whole Rory thing happened while I was still with him too... well really... I guess we never offically broke up actually.. but I've moved on and I'm sure he has too ya know... he moved to New Jersey for pete's sake so I say it's way over. The whole first month we were together he was cheating on me with my friend Kasey too so... well... I guess he was dating both of us really... but still.. he cheated on me with her and he cheated on her with me... we were fighting over him.. I don't have a picture but if you had seen him... DAMN! He was worth it. Me and Kasey weren't that close anyways... it was more of an aquantince thing... she got the better deal out of it anyways.. she started dating Nick Gagne and they're still together... 4 years later... I liked Nick too... but I never had a chance with him... he was too old... he's be like 22 now... Steven would be like 21... wow... that's weird... I have a 21 year old ex-boyfriend. Kasey's probably like 21 too... they were all older than me.
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Memories... anyways... that's long over and now I have nobody... no one will ever fall in love with me because I fall for all the wrong guys... the ones who already have girlfriends... or are too young... or just want to use me... or a combination of all three (you know who you are.) I'm just sick of being alone all the goddamn time! I'm too depressed to write anymore... this is a lot more than I thought it would be...