My Birthday ~ Kill Me GOD!

So I've been really depressed lately.... and I'm getting more and more depressed as each minuet of my birthday goes by with this gay ass fucking slow computer. I just want to take it and smash it all to bits.

Anyways… Kyle is going back to Iowa on July 26th… he won’t even have been here a month’s worth of time. Last night I was all depressed and if he hadn’t been here…. What would I have done? Kevin just isn’t the way Kyle is. Kevin says I’m his best friend… and he knows I’ll always be there for him… but he would never just hold me in his arms and rock me while I cry… not that Kyle did quite that either but close. Kyle made me feel better for a little while. The first hour of my birthday I sat listening to my Ultimate Justin Mix Cd and crying… First hour of my birthday I spent it bawling my eyes out.

Nothing ever works out for me… never! I never get anything I want… or anyone I want… I never get nothing. I have tons of material possessions sure… but what good are they if no one loves me. I know all my friends say they love me and shit but…that’s just words… nothing feels alright.

It’s like my whole life has fallen apart and nothing can ever get it back together again the way it once was. I have nothing left to strive towards…. I wanted kids… I wanted to make Jimmy a reality but… I can’t. It’ll never happen because Justin isn’t into it. I don’t want to have my babies with anyone else. He’s the one. I don’t even love him anymore. I mean… I love him so goddamn much and I always will but… I’m not in love with him anymore and that hurts. I don’t know what to do. If I’m not the girl obsessed with Justin Tilkins anymore… than what am I? Who am I?

Why did I have to fall in love with a guy who treats me even worse? At least Justin pretended sometimes that he could stand me. I know Justin cares about me now… I know it. I’m his best friend and stuff… but… I’ll never be more… hell I don’t really want to be anymore.

I just want someone to truly love me… for me… for who I already am… I don’t wanna have to fix myself anymore… I just want to start all over from the beginning and stop all the bad things from happening. I hate my birthday… I’m crying again. I hate my life… everybody thinks I’m kidding but I’m serious as all hell. I want to die and rot away in a box underground. It’s not like I believe in god anymore so… all that happens is I’ll rot away… no heaven or hell… no final judgment… if there was a final judgment I’d go to hell and I don’t want to do that so I’m not gonna believe in it.

My mom thinks it’s all because of some boy that I feel this way but she doesn’t understand. It’s not just the Justin thing… it’s everything. Kyle leaving, my friends not caring, giving my heart to boys who just rip it out and throw it away, not having a future. I’m 19 years old now and I still have nothing to do with my life. it’s not like I’m good at something. It’s not like I’m smart. There is nothing to me. I’m just a depressed loser who can’t keep herself from crying. I’m not good for anything. I can’t give good advice. I can’t fight. I can’t do anything.

Jen called me for my birthday. She made me promise to wait till she gets here before I do anything stupid. I still want to… I hate when people make me promise stuff.

The boys just showed up. They’re mad at me because I don’t get all cheered up the second they talk to me. Well too bad… depression hits hard and stays for a long time. They’re not everything.. they can’t make it all better just like that. It just doesn’t work that way. I can’t magically be fixed.

4:20pm

Well… Jen’s here… Lee’s here… Kiwi’s here… Megan and Doug are here… Kyle and Kevin are here… I got a lot of new stuff… like recordable cd’s and 2 camera’s and a couple new shirts and some more tissues and stuff… but… I still feel like crap. I feel worse now that it’s 9:33pm and I know Justin can’t call me any later tonight. He didn’t call me on my birthday. What did I do? Did I do something wrong? Does he just not care?… I tried to call him but… I could never get through…. What did I do?… He seemed… I don’t know. He did say happy birthday on Runescape today but… I don’t know… I was all telling him how I feel and he seemed concerned but then… why didn’t he call me? It’s my fucking birthday for Pete’s sake and all I had wanted for my birthday was him and I didn’t get that so all I could hope for was to talk to him on the phone but I didn’t get that either. It’s not fucking fair. I never get anything I want ever! EVER!