Thoughts of Kyle..

Ok... so early Saturday morning me and Kev were almost made up.... but then I had to go and fuck everything up again. At least he ... I think... understands a little better as to why I was upset with him.
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So yeah... about me fucking everything up... I'm kinda sorta... ah... very extremly nosy... and I watched Jen's tape... it was suppose to be all personal and stuff.... not that I didn't know everything on the tape anyways... one thing I didn't know though was that Kyle... m bestest friend in the whole wide world who I never hold back from... who I never keep secrets from... who I love more than anyone in this world... said I was "a grade A nutcase" on the tape... it was suppose to be kept from me so obviously it was his true thoughts about me.
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I'm sorry I confided in him and let him know how I was feeling... I guess I really don't have anyone I can talk to openly with about anything without them judgeing me... but that's what I get I guess...
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Kyle..... Kyle you guys... I love him more than Justin.... I can't.... I can't talk to him anymore....
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I'm probably gonna go to a mental hospital on Monday. I realized... if even Kyle thinks I'm crazy then I must be... I need to be locked up in a padded room or something...
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I wish I could talk to Justin... or Jen... but...so many lies about feelings and betrayals and... I can't.... I love them both so much and I just don't want to hurt either one of them... it's a good thing they won't read this... Justin never checks my site and Jen doesn't have computer acess... and no one better tell them to read this either or I will be pissed!
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I jsut wish I had someone... like a councelor maybe... who I could tell all my thoughts to and not have to worry about it getting back to people I don't want to hear about it... I tried to tell Kyle and he thinks I'm a nut... I tell Lee but now I'm scared of her too... I figure if Kyle can think that way about me then... anyone could.
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Who am I gonna talk to now... I scared of myself... and no one understands me.
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I was so happy just a few weeks ago.... I think I may be bi-polar or something.... I've been depressed since around the beginning of this month... when....something big happened. Something big happened on the 26th and it was ok for a few days and then Kyle showed up and everything went straight downhill because I was so looking forward to him coming and fixing all my problems and I realized he can't... he used to be able to... but he just can't anymore... and it's not his fault... nothing is his fault... like I told my brother... Kyle is the best thing in my life... why did everything have to happen to me now?

ANNA NALICK ~ "Breathe (2 AM)"
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"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?,
I don't love him. Winter (summer) just wasn't my season"
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No one can find the rewind button, girl.
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe... just breathe,
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Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him. Maybe I'll just sing about it. (Justin)
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So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe... just breathe,
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You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around.
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If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to (suicide)
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Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to
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No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe
woah breathe, just breathe,
oh breathe, just breathe.


I guess I'm done writing for now... I still... never mind...