hey

yeah so... really I don't have much to say... I've been at this here library posting pictures to my photobucket account for the last.. oh i dont know... 4 or so hours and posting to my blogspot photos as well... surfing around myspace... stuff like that... missing my friends... thinking about the asshole otherwise known as Justin.... thinking about Bobby too... and Kevin.... and Kenny... *sighs* I've also been thinking about what I need in a guy to turn back straight... well maybe not straight because I don't think I will ever be straight again... but... bi at least.... first thing I need in a guy is he need to accept me for who I am and love me reguardless of how much I weigh.... he has to bring me places and tell people we're together... he can't be ashamed of me... can't want to keep everything we do a secret... sure I get that some guys don't like everyone knowing the size of their penis and how good or not good they can work it... but... I mean... I want to be called his girlfriend... in public... and it no guy in the world wants to call me his girlfriend in public... well then... I don't need them... the penis isn't as great as I thought it was... turns out I can live without it... for a while there it was all I thought about... hell it's still kinda all I think about but... there's more to life than sex... it made me feel special but why???? Why did it make me feel special to let some guy take advantage of me and use me and then never want anything to do with me ever again.... why did that make me feel good about myself... the truth is... it didn't... sure it made me feel special at the time but I realized what an ideot I was and what kind of a loser I was to let those things happen to me... because sex really should be saved for someone it will mean something with... I don't regret losing my virginity... I needed to know what all the fuss was about.... but I regret that Rory guy.... and I regret a couple Mason guys.... and I regret a certain cousin of a friend who is a friend and... whatever you get it if ya knwo me.... I mean... I regret it all... I wish I could take it back but I can't... at least I never did get pregnant and I'm pretty sure I'm clear of STD's... I'm gonna get checked again in a little while but I was clean as of my 20th birthday.... 20 years old.... wow... that's like 2 decades.... 2 decades that got me... where... exacally???... Nowhere... I realize that Mason people don't care wheather I'm there or not... and the people here don't give a fuck either so I just have to make it day to day and get by... wake up, go online, eat, sleep, wake up, go online..... continuous... there is nothing more for me and there never will be....... *tears* ... and the saddest thing is... no one cares.... not even the people I care about most... they'll never read this because they no longer care anymore either...
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but Jen... I love you... you are the only thing keeping me going in a world where I think everone has given up on me... your still there for me... everyone else... is g.o.n.e.