Green with Envy

Ok... so.... this really cute girl.... who's Bobby's age.... likes him... and all of a sudden I'm jealous again.... why?... why is he so perfect for me and everything I ever wanted in a guy.... but he doesn't like me? Why is this?Why don't any of them like me.... I'm suppose to be a complete lesbian now but I can't help having feelings for him.... and I know he doesn't have feelings for me... who would? I'm all depressed again now because Sam's little friend likes Bobby and he thinks she's cute... which she really is... she's all gothic and such too.... *sighs*... not fair....I want to be over him... I want to be so over anything with a penis.... I mean... I want to be done with it.... why can't I be?... the penis sucks... all it does is hurt me... so why do the people connected to the penis mean so much to me? Why do I get jealous of the penis not wanting me when I say I don't want it.... sighs.... life sucks.... but I'm still scared to die.... whatever.... I need to get laid... too bad I swore off sex as well.... it's this fucking house... that's what it is too.... this house... these people.... Stewart lane.... brings back so many memories and so much pain... I mean some of my best memories took place here too... I mean... this is where I met my best friends... the people who mean the most to me in the world.... Kyle.... Justin.... Kevin.... Jen... Jesy.... Brett.... the only person who means as much to me as they do who I didn't meet on Stewart lane is Tori cause I met her in Iowa and stuff.... now I'm beyond depressed once again thinking about my past and how I'll never see anyone ever again.... I barely ever see Jesy anymore even.... I haven't seen Jen in over a month.... it's been 2 months since I've seen Kyle or Tori and I'll never see them again unless I put forth all the effort to get myself 2,316 miles away from where I am now to Mason CIty to see them... cause god knows Kyle is never coming here again.... what if I never see him again... I haven't talked to him since Sept 14.... that's 13 days since I've talked to my very best friend in the whole wide world... I used to share my everything with him.... and now.... he knows absolutly nothing about me and I know nothing about him anymore... I'm so depressed.... and I'm making myself even more depressed writing this so... I'm gonna stop writing... stop thinking... eat this ceral... download some songs... and work on my collage... I love collages... don't you? dododododododo... no more depressing thoughts.... think of.... um.... happy thoughts.... um.... shoplifting... getting positive.... new clothes, shoes, diaries.... hmm... I am so materialistic.... I need to get rich... without doing much work cause I'm lazy.... yeah.... hmmm.... maybe I need to go to job corps.... Mom told Laura to kick me out and I'd go to job corps... maybe I should just go.... maybe I'll meet someone... and they (job corps) would give me money.... but I wouldn't be able to get high.... and that would suck ass..... but I would have somewhere to live for a little while... but I would miss my baby gaby.... I want my own place.... my own bed.... stuff like that....well I'll keep thinking about it..... peace!
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I even thought she was cute... I mean... I do.... but she is way too young for me.. but she is only one year younger than Bobby.... I don't see why I'm bothering myself with this anyways since he doesn't want me.... he dumped my ass.... *sighs*... I wish I were so beutiful and sexy hott that I could have any guy I wanted... but once I found the guy I want no guy would ever want me anymore and I could be happy.... of course I would have never gotten mixed up with Bobby in the first place if that was the case because I would be happy with Justin right now.... and forever.... but because Justin didn't want me, and Kevin didn't want me, and Jonathan didn't want me, and Corey, Andy, Dustin, Brett, Russell... I mean... none of them wanted me so I eventually found Bobby... and he really is everything I want in a guy... he's punky and kinky and sexy and he can dance and he can sing without sounding bad and he can talk me into anything (Justin, Kyle) and he's a stoner and he holds me when I cry (Kyle) and he makes stupid mean jokes but always says he's sorry and stuff.... just like all the boys... plus he's crazy as fuck... just like Brett... he skateboards and does crazy stunts and he is so funny.... and he can be so goddamn sweet that I melt.... I just... I mean... he's all 4 of the boys combined to make one person.... plus he has excelent taste in music and movies... he might not like everything I like but that can be expected with the whole difference of the sexes and stuff... and I think he's pretty honest with me and he's trustworthy... I know that.... so yeah... I guess he really is everything... and yet he's just too perfect for me... so he apparently is too good for me and goes after somebody else... whatever....