So tired... I am so tired... yeah so... boy am I tired... anyways... I didn't get my pretty prom dress... I figured I really never would wear it.... so I didn't buy it... was I really suppose to rely on Bobby... I mean come on.... Sean and Kenny got into a fight with soda at Laura's house while I was shopping... Tori you wanna hear the most awesomest thing..... I walked into K-mart in a skirt and walked out in pants and they didn't even notice... and I got Justin's birthday present... spongebob boxers of course (Spongebob is winking) and a spongebob card, stickers, a towel, mechanical pencils and regular pencils... all Spongebob for Justin... no I just have to mail it to him... wow he will be 18... I've know him since he was 14 years old... that's like 4 years or something... wow... I still think of him everyday... he's always my last thought before drifting off to sleep and usually my first thought when I wake up... *sighs*...why do I still love him after all this time and all the heartache and all the pain he's put me through????? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? In other news I called Kyle, well actually I called Tori... and they were watching a really important movie or something... most important than thier best friend who would drop everything if one of them called... their best friend who doesn't have a cell phone anymore and hasn't talked to either of them in a long while... that best friend... their best friend who crys listening to Lips of An Angel thinking about them... more about Kyle than Tori on that one but still... I considered cutting once again... I want to have someone be proud of me for not doing it... but Kyle wouldn't even talk to me... I even tried explaing to him how I can only call every once and a while when Nick is at Laura's which isn't very often and that he was leaving and taking the phone with him when he left and Kyle didn't care... what kind of a best friend is that... I need him to be there for me and he's not anymore... I've lost him completely it seems.... and I don't even consider Sean or Bobby anymore.... Lee hangs out more with Laura then with me... That leaves Justin (who hates me) Kevin (who loves me but hates talking on the phone and hates me crying and shit even more) and Kyle (who thinks movies, *positive,* and well basically anything else that happens to be going on is more important then me needing him) I knew when I got back that I should have just forgotten about Iowa... forgotten Kyle and how much I love him because all loving him does is hurt me... all loving Justin does is hurt me... all loving Kevin does is hurt me.... all boys do is hurt me and now I'm crying again.... Justin, Kevin, Kyle, Sean, Bobby, Brett... they are all the same.... they all used me and when I really need soemone.... none of them are there for me... if I wasn't so scared of death I would so kill myself. Why did Laura have to go and read me that mormon book? Now I'm depressed and scared instead of before when I was only depressed. Why does Kyle have to be like this??? Is it because I think somewhere deep down I'm in love with you and I just don't realize it so your trying to make it so I'm not... you of all people should know that won't work... I mean look how Justin treats me and I still love him... and I don't think I'm in love with you Kyle... I know that you mean alot to me... and to everyone else it seems like I'm in love with you... but if I don't feel it.... how can I be????Well I'm done for now.. I gotta get a little sleep... gaaa
Bobby just called Nick in the middle of the night... he never called me in the middle of the night when I had the cell phone... *sighs*.... I don't really remember him ever calling me... I called him sometimes.... whatever....boys suck
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last night or well friday night I asked Kenny is I had "a chance in hell" and he said "no, not really"... he said he didn't want to hurt my feelings but he thinks of me only as a friend....*sighs* Do you see why I should just give up???? Guys are worthless... except for Kyle.... he has worth.... or well... ya know what I mean....
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I tried calling him tonight but forgot to call back.... damn! I do miss him.... damn!
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I got to talk to Tori the other night... her mom saw my pics online of us getting *positive* and freaked out and grounded her I guess... that sucks... I feel like it's my fault (and it is) even though she says it's not
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Jesy has moved to the Scandinavian Inn with Luke.... at least she's not long-distance anymore so that's a good thing
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um... anyways I'm wicked tired cause it's 8:36am now and stuff... and I haven't slept or anything... so... 'night