Hey... my mom's... or should I say Matt's computer is being totally gay so I won't get to update everyday like I usually do... I'm gonna write on my own computer and put them on disk to bring to the library or something because I need to write. I need to let Kyle know how I am... let NaToni know how I am... I really need to call her... maybe I'll get to sleep over and.... yeah... I have a girlfriend! I have a girlfriend! And this time she's not a tease (Alicia) and she's not straight (Jami & Jen).... grr... Kev wants to watch lol... anyways yeah... I gotta call her up soon and see if I can spend the night at her place... meet her friends in Bath and stuff... maybe meet that Jesse guy she keeps talking about.
Oh...oh... guess what... Justin didn't go where he was suppose to... he went to Rumford... or Brewer or something... the place is called Greentree House.... I hope we can go visit him soon... I miss him a lot... not as much as I miss Kyle... because I know I can see Justin every now and then... I mean I still miss him like crazy... It's just not the same... goddamn... today I broke down crying because I was singing and Kevin told me I can't sing... and people always tell me I can... except Justin and Kevin now... niether one of them can sing... they both tone deaf... I don't know why I took their opinions so seriously... anyways... I went into the closet off from my sister's room *memorie* and cried a while... then I got up and asked everyone to leave so I could lay in my room... listen to my Kyle cd and just cry... but they wouldn't leave so I went and sat in the chair in the living room and cried a little. Angelina came out and made me laugh... yes I like to laugh... but it doesn't help... that's why I love Kyle so much... he (well usually) will sit down and talk to me instead of just trying to make me laugh... I laugh... so what... jokes fade from memory... pain doesn't.... Kyle will sit down with me and help me talk out everything that's bothering me. He doesn't just make me laugh once and call it good. Lee's really good for the whole listening thing too... I need to call her too... She came over... what was it... Monday... yesterday... and I showed her the video... the parts she wasn't in... I showed her the "Tiffy I asked you a question"... "You didn't ask me a question, you said stop recording"... "Well I asked you nicely" scene... lol... She loved it. Everybody does. Kyle being adorablely stupid.
Angelina moved in... Her dad was being an asshole again and kicked her out so Laura said she could stay here.... tonight was the first night Kevy hasn't slept over since... well... since Kyle left a week ago... more than a week ago... It's kinda weird him not being here... Kevin I mean... not Kyle... it's kinda weird being without Kevin for once... I'm so used to him... I love that kid... even if he is an asshole most of the time... not in love people... I think that was lust I had for him for a while there... yeah I wanted him... I admit it... it was wrong and... anyways... I wasn't in love with him... it's still Russell, Jonathan, and Justin... Justin... Justin..... Justin.... why did I fall out of love with him?.... oh yeah... that was Kevin's fault wasn't it... I should tell Justin to thank Kev.... though now... I have that horrible empty feeling again... I like being in love... I'll admit that too... I like the feeling of being in love.
"Do you even care if I die bleeding?... cause I'm losing my sight, losing my mind, wish somebody would tell me I'm fine "
Everybody wanna hear something cool... my family misses Kyle... well Mike, Laura, Russell, and Gaby do.... it was so adorable... Gaby had me holding an end of her jump rope and she was swinging the other side and she goes "When Kyle comes he can hold the other end" and I go "aww Gaby.. Kyle's not gonna come back for a long time" and she goes "When him get back... jump rope" it was so cute. I'm like "Gaby do you miss Kyle" and she's like "Yeah, I miss playing with him".... I was like almost crying... she talks about Jen too... she misses Jen too... it's so adorable. I wish she actually knew Justin so she could talk about him but it's kinda better that she doesn't so she doesn't miss him. She knows him by picture though... she always forgets Kevin but she remembers Justin, Kyle... and get this... Brett! She knows who Brett is by his picture but she doesn't know Kevin... and he's here like everyday. She calls Brett, Brat... but we get it. When is that boy coming to see me goddamn it. He said soon... but soon could mean anytime between now and next year when it comes to him. I need to "conquer" him lol... now that him and Christy are on the rocks... maybe I have a chance... maybe... I mean... he did break my bracelet....
it's 7:08am and I am so hungry and tired it's not even funny. Guess what I wore yesterday.... I so felt like Jen lol... I wore one of the black beaters that Justin had given to Kevin... possibly the one he gave to Kyle... then I wore one of Kevin's button up shirts and tied the front up... I wore his ghetto LA hat and these huge jeans I have... the one's with the cool holes up the legs... then I wore my ADIDAS. Kev said I looked "bangable"... god I wish... I mean... lol... Jen's boyfriend... Justin's brother... bad Tiffany.... I wonder if anyone is still reading my babbeling.... pink is a pretty color... Justin looks good without a shirt on... so does Kevin... so does Jen... I mean... lol... just kidding... oh yeah... for a little while I was wearing my hoodie like Jen does... with the arms on but my back showing... with the hood like covering my crotch, lol.
"Should have done something but I've done it enough, by the way you're hands were shaking rather waste some time with you, should have said something but I've said it enough, by the way my words were fading rather waste some time with you"
... I wish a guy felt that way about me... would drop everything to just waste time with me because I'm upset... just sit with me... just hold me... let me cry on their shouldar... I had that with Kyle... my bestest friend in the whole world... and no Jen it's not the same when it's a girl whether I'm bi or not... it's not the same as being held by a guy while you cry. I want someone... other than Kyle, not that I dont like when Kyle does it for me, but someone other than Kyle to just hold me and let me cry... just... be with me.... what is wrong with me?... why am I such an emotional wreck?... why can't I ever get a boyfriend?... it's so easy to get a girlfriend... girls aren't as shallow and only in it for sex... but boys... seriously... what is wrong with me?... I tried to fix the weight thing... I really did... but... stoner ya know... I get the munchies... not to mention that a brownie is a lot easier to get ahold of then a hamburger... meats are a lot more expensive and I am one poor bastard. It's not my fault. I tried. I don't know what else to fix. People tell me not to change... that I'm fine the way I am and that one day I will find a guy who will like me the way I am... well.... I don't trully like me the way I am so how could I expect a guy to. There was one boy who I thought liked me the way I was and ... he turned me down too... so apparently noone likes me and I don't think anyone ever will... it's so... earth shattering to hear that the one guy you thought was interested in you, the only guy in a long time... was really only using you and playing you and treating you like.... nothing... like an object... like... a possesion. I feel... lost inside my head to the point where I don't think I can get help anymore. And what I have is fucking contagious... all my friends are starting to be just like me.... all depressed and thinking bad thoughts of taking their own lives... I ain't saying who... remember I love you guys... all of you and I want you here with me to make it all a little more barable while I'm still here... I want to cry some more now... I think I'm gonna do that....
Suicide checklist:
Things that cause stress making teens think about suicide as a solution:
Losing a job
recieving low grades
fear of failure
having health problems
fear of pregnancy
parents fighting with you or each other
parents divorcing
violence at home
rejection by peers
losing a friend, boyfriend/girlfriend
death of someone you love
making decisions concerning sexual activity
making decisions about drug and alchol use
expierencing peer pressure that is against your values
being abused, sexually, emotionally, or physically
questioning sexual identity
anxiety about being different
putting unrealistic pressure on yourself
substance abuse
Warning Signs:
talk about commiting suicide
have trouble eating or sleeping
expierence drastic changes in behavior
withdraw from friends and/ or social activities
lose intrest in hobbies, school, ext..
prepare for death by making out a will and final arangements
give away prized possesions (I tried)
have attempted suicide before
take unnessarsry risks
have had a recent severe loss
are preoccupied with death and dying
lose interest in public apperence
have a history of substance abuse
may have incresed use of alcohol or drugs
run away from hoime
become involved in criminal behavior
What Suicidal People Feel That They Can't:
stop the pain
think clearly
make decisions
see any way out
sleep, eat, or work (unless I have the munchies, I don't usually eat, but I always have the munchies)
stop feelings of hoplessness
see a feature without pain
see themselves as worthwhile
get someone's attention
seem to get control
cope with overwhelming anxiety
Listen:
When I ask you to listen to me
and you start giving advice -
you have not done what I asked.
When I ask you to listen to me
and you tell me why I shouldn't feel
that way - you are trampling on my feelings
Listen! All I asked was that you listen.
Not to talk - just hear me.
Advice is cheap: 10 cents will get you both
Dear Abby and Billy Graham in the same newspaper.
And I can do for myself; I'm not helpless
maybe discouraged and faultering,
but not helpless.
When you do something for me that I can and
need to do for myself, you contribute
to my fear and weakness.
But when you accept the sinple fact that I do feel
what I feel, no matter how irrational, then I quit trying
to convince you and can get about the buisness of
understanding what's behind the irrational feeling. And
when that's clear, the answers are obvious and I don't
need advice.
Irrational feelings make sence when we understand
what's behind them.
Perhaps that's why prayer works, sometimes, for some people
because god is mute, and he doesn't give advice or try
to fix things. "They" just listen and let you work it out for yourself.
So, please listen and just hear me. And if you want to talk,
wait a minuet for your turn - and I'll listen to you.
By Anonymous
Yeah so... while I was about to move this to a cd so I could transfer it to somewhere I could post it we lost the fucking electricity. It wasn't ever hooked up right because Russell never called to have it switched over. We've been stealing electricity for like a month. I didn't know what to do so I went to mom's to ask Matt what to do. He was the one who had hooked it up illegally in the first place. I just thought he would know what to do. That started off a big war. I want to shoot that fucking guy. He is a waste-case who doesn't deserve to live. I was all upset and I wanted someone to talk to... the only person around who I trust was Kevin... I tired to wake him up but nooooo he wouldn't get up no matter what. He's like "come back in two hours" and I'm like "If you don't come talk to me now, I may not be here in two hours" so ya know what he did... he put his blanket over his head and went back to sleep. Almost sobbing I go "fine Kev whatever... I'll see you... wait I won't".... I ran up the road crying first and then I was like FUCK THIS! Kyle would never do that to me. Kyle would have gotten up if I was in a crisis where I wanted to kill Matt and myself afterwards. So I went back to my mom's, went in the bathroom, turned on the bath water, and tried to drown myself again... that obviously didn't work or you wouldn't be reading this. Do you know how hard it is to drown yourself when suffocation is your biggest fear? Yeah... let me tell you... it's fucking hard. My sister Sam knocked on the door and I didn't say anything cause I was pissed. Then she went and got mom so I said for her to go to Laura's and use the bathroom. Laura flipped out and came over here yelling because I was trying to kill myself in the bathroom... or at least that's what Sam had told her. She was mad because everyone who lives over here keeps walking in her house like they own the place and she said that if anyone else comes in her house today she's gonna punch them until they bleed and I don't want to be beaten up by my sister. She may be smaller than me... but I am a weakling... I can't even take Jen. yeah so... I haven't slept and I'm stuck at my mom's house till god knows when, when no one wants me and no one cares about me. The people who do care about me... you know who you are... aren't here to help and don't know what's going on.
Great now my mom hates me too. Why can't I just do it and get it over with. I'm 19 years old and I still live off from my mom... she hates me because of it. I can't take care of myself. All I do is sit around and cry on random. I can't do anything. You think I like not being self-sufficiant... let me tell you, I DON'T! I wish I could be independant and live on my own and all of that good stuff... but I just can't. I don't have a job. I apply but no one calls me back. I don't know what to do. I have so many problems. I try to tell everyone how much better it will be without me here. My mom wouldn't have to support me, I wouldn't have to have a place to live, I wouldn't spend any of my mom's money. I wouldn't eat any of the food that Sam could eat. I wouldn't be breathing someone's else's air. The only person who would care... I don't know... I'm so sorry everyone who says they care about me.... I never believe a word anyone says about how much they care... I don't see it... I don't believe it. The only person I believe is Kyle. The only one. I don't know why I believe him... I've been screwed over by people who I've thought were my friends so many times... that... I really don't trust anyone... I tried with Justin.... but... he uses stuff against me... all the time... Kevin... just doesn't care. Jen.... it's my own fault... it's not that I don't trust her... it's the fact that I hate myself for what I did to her. I still can't get over the fact of what a bad friend I was... falling for her boyfriend... kissing him and stuff... I mean.... I know, open relationship... but still... I feel so horrible when I think about it. . why did I fall for him anyways... he seems to be the least caring of all the boys... I think Brett cares more about me then Kevin does sometimes... and yet... I thought I was in love with him.... what the hell was wrong with me? I hate myself so much.
Anyways... I got out of the shower and got to listen to Laura bitch for like 20 minets until she finally left and went back next door to yell at Sam or whatnot. Matt... that fucking asshole said "When is she leaving doesn't she have some 15 year old to give a blowjob to" Well ya know what I don't... I haven't given a guy a blowjob since I was 14 years old... sorry to burst your asshole bubble Matt but my guy friends hang out with me regaurdless unlike yours... just because you have to suck some guys dick to keep him as a friend doesn't mean I have to. Sometimes people just like to hangout together so they don't have to be lonely and friendless. I admit when I was 14 years old I gave some guy named Rory head... he was cute and I liked him... he talked me into it and I didn't even like it. I haven't done it since and I don't plan on ever doing that again. So Matt can go suck a dick himself. Fuck! I'm still a virgin.... I am not a slut... why people think such horrable things about me? Am I not allowed to have friends of the oppisette sex? Hey guess what... I'm bi... what does that mean I can't have any friends at all?????? I've never even made out with a girl before... I know I like girls... I like to look at them and I want to kiss them... certain ones that is... like it goes with guys... yes I do makeout with a lot of guys but I don't fuck them all or anything... I mean... come on! It's not fair. I wish I could call Kyle... or maybe Justin... I don't wanna ever talk to Kevin again so... last night Kevin told me that he loved me and that if I ever killed myself he would kill himself too and I said "no you wouldn't because of Jen" and he goes "Tiffy you're my life, Do you see Jen here? No! you're my life. If you killed yourself, I would kill myself"... yeah right... that is the biggest lie I have ever heard. #1 Jen must mean more to him then I do, #2.... I don't know but Jen has to mean more to him then I do... I mean... it's Jen... she's always gonna be better than me and get everything I want... it's like being Jaylyn's best friend all over again... being her bestfriend.... with Jaylyn... I was always being looked over or used to get close to her... with Jen... it's the same way... they are both way better than me. . They have smiles and I have a moped.... not funny! That is such a horrible joke and it like kills me inside.... why do people find it funny to rip other people apart?... why is that funny... like at all? I don't think making fun of another person is so funny... I think it's just mean. Making fun of other people... espesially when they're not in the right state of mind... it's just not right. I wanna get positive so bad right now... But I am also so very hungry! I wanna die! I wanna break down and cry and let it all out and then never have to cry again. I want to start cutting again. The cutting really was better... I would cut a little and I wouldn't cry anymore... I cry for hours everyday now... I never used to cry... I couldn't... remeber that Kyle? When I couldn't make myself cry if I wanted to... now I can't get myself to stop... I just start out of the blue... totally random... if I could just stop crying...
Well I guess I'm done.. I'd so depressed and I gotta call Kiwi... it's her birthday ya know...
