Note to Kyle...

Post from Xanga:

Part of my note to Kyle:
I put away my first ten dollars to go see you... next week I get 23 hours so I'm gonna try to put away $20 instead of $10... what do you think? You wanna see me right? because I want to see you more than anything in the world... I wanna see you an hug you and tell you to your face how much I love you and need you and ... well all kinds of stuff... I love you Kyle... your my best friend... your my rock... your what keeps me grounded... your what keeps me alive... did u read my blog where I wrote how I was in a car with my friend Lisa and she was high and it started raining and I was like "We're gonna die" and I was scared because I didn't get to see you before I die... did u read that... you were the only thing I was worried about... the fact that I wasn't gonna see you or hear your voice ever again... I was actually scared... I love you so much Ky... um... well I don't know what else to write... I'm gonna go home and watch the videotape and cry some... and... yeah..........
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ but I love you... oh and Kevin said you won't marry me and I was like "Is it because I'm ugly" and he's like "Do you want me to slap you?" lol... it was funny... I don't really expect you to marry me though... I'm just kidding about all that stuff... you know that right??? It's all in my letter.. asking you to marry me and stuff.... what I really need... is a boy... no a man... who's just like you... but... I don't know... somehow... different... so I can fall in love and be happy forever with someone who loves me the way I am... who will cheer me up like you do... who will tell me they love me all the time... since I have issues with not thinking people love me and stuff... and who will never ever leave me... I have attachment issues too... and someone who can make me feel the way I feel when I'm with you... someone who can make me feel.... loved.
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yeah that's how Kyle makes me feel... he makes me feel loved... really and truly loved... not like "oh I love you" (slut, I'm only your friend to use you and once you stop giving me stuff I won't be anymore, I say this because I like Kevin/Justin/Kyle and I'm using you to get in with them, I feel bad for you, etc.) yeah... Kyle makes me feel loved... I love him and trust him and... well... everything... he is my everything. More than Kevin. More than Justin. More than Jen. More than Leola. More than Kiwi. More than... well... everybody.. I have a lot of friends... and I love a bunch of them... you know who you are... but Kyle is like... above all else.... my soul mate... I don't have to be in love with him for him to be my soul mate... I just know... he's the one. God I wish I could fall in love with him... he's so.... everything I should want in a guy... and yet... he isn't because if he was... I would be head over heels in love with him and I'm not. I don't see why and I can't understand why girls aren't throwing themselves at him... he totally deserves it... he deserves so much that he just doesn't get and it kills me to know how bad he feels just living down there... how bad it hurts him. I want to go down there and kidnap him and never let him go back... it would solve all our problems... I love him so much. Well... I gotta go... I'm gonna watch the video and cry myself to sleep... I have to be at work in... 9 hours... Subway... fun fun... *sighs* shoot me!