blog I wrote days ago on my computer...

ok so... I only get to post up one picture... a floppy disk is so useless... it held one picture and the memory got too full. Anyways... I finally hooked my computer back up in my own room and cleaned it... took me forever...yesterday I woke up at 4:02pm... I was like... goddamnit! I won't be using a computer today... as in I wouldn't make it to the library in time or anything so I didn't bother... I hope I have some comments from some certain people... you know who you are. Ok... so then I made an english muffin sandwich with hashbrowns at my mom's and ate. Then Lisa called to see if I wanted to hang out. She came and picked me up and we all went down to the gazebo. I met her friend Jarred... I can so tell she likes him so bad... I hope he likes her... he seems to a little bit. He's ok... I wouldn't say he's "fucking hott" but he's pretty cute. Chedar Bob and Casey, Karma and Cassie, and Guido, Tiffany and the baby were all there... Kevin and Angelina walked down on their own because I told Kevy where I was going and who I was going to see. Karma caught a fish but Guido thru it back. We hung out there with those people for a little while but soon Guido and Karma left and then Chedar Bob and Casey left taking Kevin with them leaving Angelina with us. When we left Angelina was all alone... it wasn't like I was the one who had asked her to come... I was suppose to be hanging out with Lisa when I was down there so when she left I went to. Lisa doesn't like people she doesn't know being in her car so I couldn't ask for Angelina to come with. I felt bad leaving her there all alone but I really couldn't help it ya know. We went driving around then Lisa's sister's fiance called so we went up to Glenridge to pick him up. We went out on some back road and smoked up. Then we got gas at J&S and went driving around again. Smoked again... made Jarred think he said "Shut up, I hate you" to Lisa... lol... we were fucking with his head and we got him to say he was sorry lol,. He never really said that. Oh yeah... Lisa took one hit off the joint to light it while she was driving... then it started raining... we were all like "We're gonna die" lol... she was like "I can't see the lines... we're gonna get in an accident"... in my head I was like "If I die right now... I'm good... I've accomplished most of what I needed to accomplish... but then I was like "I will never see Kyle's face ever again if I die" and I got kinda sad... I'd rather kill myself than be killed... I mean... at least I can choose how I die if I kill myself and I can say my goodbyes and stuff... I can choose when I die if I do it myself... I don't know... that convo with Kyle.... I can't believe I'm still even considering suicide knowing what I know.... I shouldn't be... I want a hug... lol... from Kyle... I'm watching the tape and he's singing "Everybody Hurts" to me.... god I miss him! I miss him like crazzzzzzy! My bestest friend! Who I would absolutely die for, in any situation... my way gorgeous friend who should do the world a favor and get in the movie buisness so everyone can see what I see when I look at him... perfection. I really do see Kyle as perfect. He is the perfect guy. He is gorgeous. Tall, dark and handsome. His eyes and that hair... shivers... yet... I'm not in love with him? Why is that?... Shouldn't I be in love with Kyle if he's so perfect? I don't even get it myself... he's perfect and Justin and Kevin are so flawed... why can't I love the perfect one? Why did I love (or think I was in love with) the flawed ones?... Any advice feel free to leave a comment. Um... I still haven't gotten to see Justin... not since the day after Kyle left so... yeah I miss him a bit too... and yesterday I was sitting in my room and I was like "Huh... I miss... Jen" it was weird... cause I don't know... I kinda like it when she's not around... I mean she's my best friend and I love her and all... but I like being alone with her boyfriend... and sometimes I like watching them together... but not constantly... not to mention everything with that whole situation is kinda... depressing and shit... I fell for Kevin and they closed they're relationship so I make myself get over him. It was a lot easy to get over the Kevin thing then it was to get over the Justin thing... that Justin thing... I don't know... maybe I'm not over Justin yet... maybe I'm just... well... I feel like.. even if I got him.. I wouldn't deserve him for the way I've been... because of the secrets I keep... because of... well everything... Justin is such a fuck-up and yet I'm the one who doesn't deserve him. I don't deserve Justin, I don't deserve Jen, I don't deserve Kyle, I don't deserve Leola, I don't deserve anything or anybody's love.... There is one thing I do think I deserve though... I think I deserve to be with Kevin... Kyle,an opinion?... Think about it. I deserve only him and I don't think he deserve's any better than me either. Nope I don't think he deserve's Jen... she is way too good for either one of us. I think Jen is so good... she deserve someone as goodhearted as herself... someone... perfect. Guess who that is... and I think he deserve's her too... he deserves.... love. Real love... not bestfriendship love like he gets from me but real true love... I hope Casey can give it to him... he needs it. He deserves it. Well I guess that's it... I'm outie. Kyle James Sanchez.... I love you so much!!!