Kyle's gone.

Well… Kyle left on Saturday. Friday night he was suppose to stay with his sister at her house but Newcomb showed up here and I told him Kyle was at Lani’s so he went over there and picked Kyle up. Newcomb brought Kyle to some BBQ party out in the middle of nowhere. When he got back in town he spent the rest of the night walking around one last time with Scottie. I stayed up all night too… I made him a photo album… so he could have pictures of all of us. I was just about to lie down in bed when Kyle knocked on the window. It was like 8 or so I think… I’m not really sure. Him and Scottie came in and I recorded more of Kyle singing… Everybody Hurts (because like two nights before when I was upset while walking him to Lana’s he sang it to me so I wanted to have him sing it on the tape) by R.E.M. and Tainted Love and some other stuff… plus I recorded him sleeping… weird I know, but he did that a lot at my house over the last year so I wanted to always remember how he looks when he’s asleep. Anyways… yeah I went with him to the bus station… Rose drove us… Kyle, Kevin and Me… we picked up Lana on her way home from work... she had Kyle’s ticket locked in her house so we had to go all the way back to her house and then to the bus station… Rose made Kevin leave early so that Cathi wouldn’t torture OJ if she showed up and she never even did. I wanted to give Kyle a kiss goodbye since I wouldn’t be seeing him for… oh 6 months to a year… but I didn’t want to in front of his sister so I didn’t… it was so funny. He was in the bus and the driver had just shut the door when Kyle jumps out of his seat talks to the driver and runs off the bus… I was like “huh?” and he grabbed his cd player off the bench we all had been sitting on and gets back on the bus. He was *positive* so it wasn’t his fault he forgot it. Oh gawd…. What am I gonna do?????? He said he would call me first thing when he got home… he said he would call on his sisters cell and he should have been home hours ago so now I’m kinda worried about him.

No one will ever understand how much that boy means to me… if anything ever happened to him… I don’t know what I would do… he is my everything. He is the thing that’s kept me here this long… he is my best friend and I would do anything at all for him all he has to do is ask. I don’t know what it is about Kyle that makes me love him so incredibly much. Maybe it’s cause… he listens to me when I talk… unlike Justin… he doesn’t jump in with rude little comments about everything I have to say and try to change the subject to Runescape every single conversation we have… unlike Kevin… he doesn’t fall asleep on me or say “oh I’m sorry were you talking” every time I pause to see if he’s listening… which obviously means he was tuning me out… unlike Jen… who ah… I can’t talk to about most stuff anyways… like how I felt about her boyfriend and stuff… I didn’t feel comfortable talking to her about how sexy I thought her boyfriend was… I mean… I just felt wrong… I don’t know what it is about Kyle… but he’s really the only thing keeping me going. I mean I know I have other friends… who love me too… Justin, Kevin, Lee, Jen, NaToni, Kiwi, Michaela, Ashley, Brett… friends who would be hurt if something bad ever happened to me… but… I don’t know… I just think that… Kyle and me have this… connection… I don’t know… he’s just the best thing that ever happened to me and now he’s gone… I feel like I wasted all the time I had with him… like I should have tried to make more out of it… like… I don’t know anymore… I’m just so depressed.

The day he left… I spent the whole rest of the night bawling my eyes out… watching the video of him and bawling… Kevy stayed with me that night… I… for some reason I don’t feel safe over there.. I haven’t been alone one night in that apartment yet… and I don’t know if I’ll be able to handle it… he’s staying at Hippie’s dad’s tonight I guess… I’m gonna be all alone all night… Jeesh… I’m sad and teary already. Anyways… yeah the day Kyle left I like cried all day… Newcomb and Cheddar Bob showed up and one of them was like “What’s wrong with her?” to Kevin and he goes “Kyle left” and I go “Kylllleeee’ssss goooonnnnne” all crying in front of them… that was so embarrassing but I couldn’t help it. I felt so pathetic and dumb.

Since he’s gone and Jen’s gone… I feel really lonely… I mean I have Kevy… thank you god he didn’t go to Cathi’s like he was suppose to… but … I don’t know... for a while I was like… everyone was all back together again and now… every one is so far apart again and it hurts so bad. I feel all-wrong… nothing is the same as it once was… I don’t even have my safe little room in the back of my mom’s house to retreat to and cry… everything changed. I can’t look around my new room and have all the same memories of the good times rush back… good times with Justin, Kevin, and Kyle all together in my room. Sure they’ve all been together in my new room too… but only for like 10 seconds… it’s just not the same and it never will be. All the memories of falling asleep with Justin playing Runescape on my computer… Kyle knocking on my window with a big stick in the middle of the night… Kevin… uh… never mind that one… everything happened in that room. Watching Life As We Know It! Every week with the boys “It’s a midget” nothing is the same…

Yesterday we went to see Justin… we went bowling and miniature golfing… I got a hole in one on the last hole and won a free game… “We Belong Together” was on the intercom radio as I did it. I had sucked most of the rest of the game and I totally lost at bowling but Kyle’s song was on and I got a hole in one…. Kyle’s my good luck too. All I could think about most of the time I was with Justin all I could think about was how great it would be if Kyle was with us… god… I hate this fucking world! I wish I could kill myself and watch him from hell waiting for him to join me… but he probably never would… he believes in god… he may not be a saint but he believes and he’s a good person… unlike me… I’m a horrible person and I don’t even deserve his friendship or anyone else’s… god I hate myself!

Well… I’m gonna post now I guess… post.. go to my room next door… grab Kyle’s hoodie… take a walk over to his old house… see if anyone lives there… if not then I’m sitting down and crying.. if so… well then they’re gonna have to deal with a girl sitting and crying on they’re lawn because I can’t help myself… I have no where else to go… I have no one to hold me and tell me it’ll be ok… now that’s he’s gone… I have… nothing to live for.