Ok so

Ok so I cut again.... sue me.... its not like anyone reads this.... its not like anyone cares... but ya know what... I care.... I care because I have beautiful scars to remember my pain.
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Anyways I went to see the new cony tonight.... it was huge and took me 2 hours to find the art department.... there was a cyber cafe but it only had like 5 computers... first come first serve I guess.... I would never eat because I would always be glued to the computer screen the scound I could get outta clss for lunch... I miss school in a weird way.... and I ran straight into Chris Berry coming down the stairs... we locked eyes and everything.... now thats one guy I never thought I would see again.... its weird how you can see someone everyday at school and then never see them again once you graduate high school.... it's kinda scary and sad...
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Laura got a new job today.... she starts wendsday.... $500 a week.... no more going hungry maybe.... yay!
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Gaby started school yesterday and loves it.... Sam started high school 2 days ago and hates it... I guess some girl is calling her names and stuff.... let me see the girl doing it... I hate Sam and all but she shouldn't be getting harrassed, especially at school...
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um.... I have a headache.... and I'm hungry.... and these computers suck ass.... everything is so fucking slow that the screen doesn't register half the letters I type in and I keep having to go back and enter spaces and letters and tuff.... look at that, that was suppose t say stuff* and that wassuppose to say to* and that was suppose to say was suppose*.... grrrrr...
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I'm going on myspace since I don't have much else to say....
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oh yeah one more thing.... I keep having this weird dream where I'm somewhere and I get lost and run into these two guys I've never seen before... I have it all the time.... it's weird.... today in the dream Bobby was there.... first we were in the library trying to find somewhere but there were people everywhere so we went outside and to this like lake place and I went swimming and he ditched me and I got out on the other side and ran into those guys.... they were really hott in a non-existant way.... and then Nick was there and he had quit his job to go to this place that I think was like a camp school which apparently me and bobby went to also and those guys.... and Sam was visiting us (grrrr) and stuff.... and then bobby told me he had ditched me to go to the bathroom... and I was like "Oh" and then I woke up because I had to pee... lol.... yeah so what does it all mean??????
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Oh and I ran into Bobby's ex Mandy at the library.... she scares me.... she's Jen and Jesy's cousin and she scares the fuck outta me.... I would protect Bobby from the world if I could.... I'm always so worried about him.... anyways... he dumped me.... I can't believe it.... ok guys... if you had a FWB who was pretty much up for anything and willing to go at it anytime.... would you break up with them????? I mean he doesn't even have a girlriend... that I would understand.... that scares me too.... he's gonna go to school and get a girlfriend and then I definatly will never get him back.... he's s wicked hott... I have decided I don't love him.... the other night before we did anything he asked me if I liked him as more than a friend and this is what I said lol "Let's see... Do I wanna rip your clothes off of you everytime I see you?- yes, Am I in love with you? - no!" Because what I feel for Bobby is purely lust I have decided... I mean... I don't like anything else about him.... hes an ok friend but he was way better before I went to Iowa... specially when he held me for the hour before I got on the bus... he just held me... even thinking about it makes my eyes tear up.... he was so sweet.... he as like Kyle... then I went to Iowa where even Kyle wasn't like Kyle... and I came back here and Bobby wasn't like Kyle... I just realized I have no Kyle personality in my life whatsoever anymore.... *tears*
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Fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!! If only I weren't so afraid of death.... when I was little I was always afraid of death.. I would hold Teddy, listen to Nsync's first album and cry about my grandmothers death afraid that I would die at any moment... and then when I got older I forgot my fear and was suisidal.... everyday it was a battle against actually going through wth it.... and now I'm once again scared of death.... what if I die tomarrow... and there's nothing else... what if my soul doesn't live on.... I was tought that is church but that is not what the bible says happens. I miss Kyle... everybody else I miss you too of course but right now I just wish I could see his face.... see him smile... and I would stop crying maybe only for a little bit but I know his smile could stop the waterfalls rushing from my eyes.... Kyle James Sanchez I love you.... you're still my best friend!

Cutting

I feel used once again... by someone I promised myself I wouldn't be used by anymore... I cut again.... I know I know... but now no one has to worry about me killing myself anymore... I'm too scared.... anyways I'm working on my myspace and stuff so I'm not gonna write much.... to the people I love (you know who you are) I love you!
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oh and I put up some new photos so yeah check that out

Lips of An Angel

Oh my god I have heard the saddest song ever written and it is called "Lips of an Angel" by Hinder... ohmygod... it is so going onmy myspace profile... It makes me cry uncontrablly.... it reminds me of Kyle and Kevin and in a weird way Laura but for a whole different reason... I have this song on repeat on my desktop...

Honey why you calling me so late? it's kinda hard to talk right now...
Honey why you crying? is everything ok?
I gotta whisper cause I can't be too loud (Kyle cause I always call late at night and when his niece and nephew are asleep)

well....

my girl's in the next room,
sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on.... (well niether one of them liked me so, but it's hard getting over Kevin...maybe I'm not...)

it's really good to hear your voice
saying my name it sounds so sweet (both of them)
coming from the lips of an angel (Kyle once told me he was depressed because he made 2 angels cry... Tori and me... so there's the angel thing)
hearing those words it makes me weak
where as I never want to say goodbye (both of them)
but girl you make it hard to be faithful
with the lips of an angel... (Kevin)

it's funny that your calling me tonight
and yes I dreamed of you too
does he know your talking to me when its not a fight
no I don't think she has a clue...(Kevin)

my girl's in the next room,
sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on....

it's really good to hear your voice
saying my name it sounds so sweet
coming from the lips of an angel
hearing those words it makes me weak
where as I never want to say goodbye
but girl you make it hard to be faithful
with the lips of an angel... {Guitar solo}

it's really good to hear your voice
saying my name it sounds so sweet
coming from the lips of an angel
hearing those words it makes me weak
where as I never want to say goodbye
but girl you make it hard to be faithful
with the lips of an angel...

never want to say goodbye
but girl you make it hard to be faithful
with the lips of an angel...

honey why you calling me so late?

I miss those boys so much... I remember so much from the Kevin era... but I'm starting to forget the Justin stuff.... my memory is being clouded by so much smoke.... I rememeber a few choice times with Justin... but I can remember whole volumes of Kevin stuff without looking at it in my old blogs or in a diary... I always read back to Justin and though I still talk about him... I'm always talking about how I love him not all my fun memories with him... because the truth is... I don't remember ever having any fun with Justin with the exseption of Christmas Eve - Eve and even then he was using me... wait new years was nice... oh yeah grilled cheese not to memntion he pointed out to me how bad my self-consious was in front of a ton of people.... so that was ruined... um... everytime we've seen each other since he left for Cathie's was a bad time... something fun would be ruined... and then there was the night he said something really really really rude to me, kyle, and brett, and only I remember it because everyone was on magic cards little sleepy ones... but me... or well i was too but i remember and they don't but I may just remember because I'm positive as I type this....
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anyways I have something like very very heavy on my heart and I have absolutely no one to talk to about it.... not even Kyle... it's that big and that much of a secret... I have no one and I'm so scared and so confused over this.... maybe it was always there and I just now notice it... it's a little embarassing.... ok it's a lot embarassing... I hate my brain always getting so mixed up.... goddamn it I bet I'll end up telling Kyle... I will too and then will I be in some trouble.... will he hate me for this?? I may now be scared of dying... I admit it... I am.... I'm scared now... fuck suiside... my sister was reading the mormon bible and then reading the parts in the bible that say the same thing and it said IN THE KING JAMES VERSION OF THE HOLY BIBLE that when we die that's it... there is no heavan... there is no hell... there is nothing... you cease to exist... there is nothing.... ok maybe I said I was agnostic before but... this like totally scares the fuck outta me... I mean I know I wouldn't go to heaven if it existed but I beleived in hell... yes I always believed in hell... I believed it to be someplace after death... that I wouldn't be gone I would just be in a different place and now I believe I wouldn't go anywhere I would be dead....no more writing...no more internet... no more reading.... no more friends... no more sex.... no more food.... no more frosting... no more anything cause I would be dead... no more waking out of a dead sleep at 2 oclock in the morning eastern time to call Kyle after he gets outta work.. no more goofing off with Jen...no more making out with Jesy, no more shopping with Tori... no more gaby, no more lizzie, no more Jimmy, no more vada, no more music, no more movies... no more nothing, and that scares the hell outta me.... yeah so I'm not suisidal anymore.... I'm too scared now... before I was scared I would be hurt real bad and not die and then I would be watched all the time and go to a crazy hospital and stuff... now I'm just scared of dying at all...

Friday August 25th 2006

ya know how I was so depressed earlier... well I called Justin and Kevin's and talked to Kevin for like 45 mins... he was playing diablo and I was playing solitare and my mood was lifting but then he had to go and he wouldn't say he loved me.... that night I freaked out he promised me he would never not say it again when I wanted to hear it because he does love me and blah blah blah but then he wouldn't say it.... *Sighs*... well I love him anyways... and I know he loves me wether he says it or not... because of that night and the night at Aunti Kim's.... I will always believe that Kevin loves me after that... Kyle didn't get to me that much that night... even though he was the one who held me down... it was mostly Kevin who got through to me.... mostly when I ran away the secound time and he fallowed me and hugged me and wouldn't let me go and I told him about how he made me feel like such a horrible person and he told me never to feel that way because of him again..... he told me that one day a certain somebody will forgive me for what I did.... even though I will never forgive myself... but anyways I love him... it was fun talking to him again.... I also called Sean's cell and he I guess has an apartment with Kenny at Cote's apartments... I told him he should come over later today so... we'll see about that one... um.... then I called Kyle but he was like wicked tired so he couldn't talk cause he was falling asleep on the phone...I guess he started school a couple weeks ago too... Kevin being the first to start school a while ago... why is Augusta the last city in the world to start school... it's cool and all but... hmm... I don't know.... well Jen isn't going to school yet so... I don't know... all I know is my schooling is over for now... I have to find a way to make some money. And I don't want to do it illegally... but I need to make and save about 500 before Novemeber... or well the end of november... so that I can be with Kyle again for Thanksgiving... Yeah so I don't really want to get a job and get tied down and stuff because I want to leave again soon so really... what is the point of getting a job? I just want to make some money.... my mom just asked me when is Kyle's turn to come up here? and I said after he graduates from high school, though I have this feeling that he still won't be coming back even then... I have this feeling that he's never gonna step foot on Maine soil again...and that saddens me but I don't blame him... I now realize what a shit hole this place really is... there's some retarded new gang in town named "POOPS"... I am so not kidding about this... and they like broke into a friend of mine's house and beat some girls head with a bat and gave her a concussion... Bruce and Bobby were there during it but didn't get hurt and my friend Josh (the really cute guy with dreads who hung out at Jesy's) got his stiches ripped out... he had his appendix taken out like a couple days before this... but yeah so this town is hell... my mom makes my life even more miserable everyday.... if it weren't for the fact that I no longer have a cell phone then I wouldn't care wether I ever see her again...that may sound horrible and I'll probably for some stupid reason regret this when she does eventually die but come on... she does make me want to die on a regular basis...so much so that I can't stand being around her... I hate even the sound of her voice.... you know who has the sexyish voice on earth.... Kevin! I've noticed it before and I noticed it again when I talked to him today on the phone... he has like a seriously sexy as all hell voice... *sighs* .....yeah so now I'm spending my days being lonely and bored... not knowing what to do with my time... I wish I could be with me friends... I miss going to school.... weird I know... but I miss seeing my friends everyday... and it's not just Justin, Kevin, Kyle, Jen.... it was horrible going to school with the memories of them... sepically Kevin... having to walk by his homeroom everyday and walk by his math class on the way to my accounting class... that's why I eventually gave up on school days... Justin... eating lunch with him...giving him my hot pocket that first day of school the year he called in the bomb threat... looking for him at the vo-tech field... him and Elena walking past me laughing after the first time Justin and me madeout... now those may not be good memories but they are my memories and I cherish them... also that time with Travis in the hall before the catwalk... so many memories... he even walked me to my classes a couple of times... *tears* That boy meant so much to me... now I'm actually crying... he still means so much to me... with him there's no secound guessing and questioning... I know I love him so much... I am so in love with him. I knew March 5th 2003 and I've know ever since... a few times I told myself I was over him... that I moved on.. but the truth always filters back to me that I am in love with Justin David Tilkins and will be for the rest of my life... I will someday move on... but I will never give someone Justin's huge piece of my heart... Kyle at school I don't remember too much... I remember the bus stop with him and I remember that one time in the library with him and Jen but that's it... Jen... I remember skipping my art 4 class to go hang out with her in her lunch... I remember getting into that fight with her about punching the locker... I remember going to her study hall... I remember going to the freshman computer lab with her and seeing the hottie teacher... I remember she had fine arts at the same time I was suppose to have art 4 and one time our classes were held together... and we talked and got in trouble.. lol... and everyone thought she was my little sister and I was like "Nope, she's my best friend".... lol I remember when me and Kevin were gonna go with Trisha Bechard to smoke a cigerette because we didn't have any and Kiwi grabbed me and wouldn't let me go but Kevin went anyways and Jen like freaked out lol.... god I miss that girl... I miss going to school with her and Kevin.... remember when we skipped on friday the 13th and Matt drove by while we were walking the streets so Jen ran back inside to her study hall and me and Kevin went to Dunkin Donuts... the bus driver was a bitch and wouldn't let us on the bus so we had to walk and kevin was thisclose to getting hit by a car... Kev got grounded for the weekend and I was kicked off the computer for the weekend... but I had to write a paper so I got to use it anyways hahahaha... Kevin came and got me to go run errands for his mom and I found an empty porn box and twisted my ankel... then I had a cigerette in my room and I thought I put it out like halfway but when I came back the whole thing was burnt away... I was so sad... Friday the 13th sucks!..but like I said it's not just them that I miss.... I miss Jaylyn, Erin, Becca, Ali, Shawn, Jodi, Jon, Michelle, Susie, Cecila, Corey, Russell, Andy, Lisa, Ilene, Larry, Melissa, Monica, Cora, Holly C, Holly P, Katie R, Katy H, Katie H, Katie S, Emily, Jenny, Jillian, Casie, Emily, Leola,.... Michela, Leana, Mary H, Cindy, Bethie, JP, Doug, Christian, Steve, James, Sean, Justin D, Nikki, Ari, John-John, Megan, Crystal.... I just am in a missing mood... but someone I really miss is Travis.... I haven't talked to him in probably over a year.... I know I haven't seen him for two years... he was everything I had ever wanted in a guy... clean cut but punky... hung lol... very very cute... he was practically a virgin which turns me on all to hell.. a guy whos only had a little bit on expierence... which is why I like teenage boys... he was funny and sexy and super cool... but I fell in love with Justin.... *sighs* once again......Justin.... I'm back to him.... he.... is undescrible.... he took everything I had wanted in a guy and did the oppisette... I mean...he put me down for the way I looked and acted, he used me, he was always broke, and always rude, my mom hated him back in the day, he was dirty and hairy and played video games all the time, he was a druggie and an alcholic and he hit me... he didn't like any of my friends so I switched my whole group of friends for him... not that that wasn't the best thing to ever happen to me because if it weren't for Justin I never would have hung out with Kyle or Kevin which means I never would have become friends with Jen and eventually Jesy... I wouldn't know Jesy if it weren't for Justin.... nothing would be the same in my life.... I wouldn't have became so close with Kyle if it weren't for Justin.... (and the election, and him moving 2,316 miles away and talking on the phone all the time) Kevin and me would definatly never have happened... and if I didn't have Kevin to ease me into becoming ok with my sexuality I would probably still be a virgin to this day.... he's the one that made me feel comfortable with myself by saying I was amazing... maybe because I was his first... but still I was "amazing"... I have since heard "awesome", "Wow", and "Thanks"... the thanks one is kinda rude though... hmmm.... whatever... Kevin is such a great person and if I didn't have his fucked up point of view in my life then... I don't know... I would be such a different person now.. Justin has shaped my whole life nowadays... everything I do somehow relates to him... take this blog for instance... I started it to basically rant about my crush/love of Justin... I needed a diary and an online one is so much easier to keep then a paper one... I hate writing but I love typing...anyways I'm pretty tired now that it's 7am even... I best be going home and going to bed... plus I have a headache...



Cassie - Me & You:baby I'll love you all the way downget you right were you like itI promise you'll like it, I swearjust, relax and let me make the movesit's our secret, we'll keep it between me and you

Ok tell me that's not about giving some guy head... either that or she just lets him sit there and do absolutly nothing while she rides him or something... but I'm pretty sure it's about giving head..

Yeah so

ok so I'm way depressed again... Jesy left for Norredgewock yesterday and now I have nothing to do and I'm so lonely... it's reaching the not coming back point where I just wanna lock myself in a room and never come out.... too bad I don't have a bedroom to lock myself into... it's also starting to get cold outside so if I wind up on the streets... sigh... well I need a way to make some money because Thanksgiving is coming in a few months... like 3 months and I want to be in Iowa with Kyle.... he is still the person I am most thankful for... I am thankful for Jen and Kevin and all my other friends too but.... yeah... it's Kyle and I want to be with him for thanksgiving like I have been the past 2 years....
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I miss him and Tori so much... and I haven't talked to either one of them in a long ass time...
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I miss Justin and Kevin too....
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This song reminds me of all my friends who are so far away:

That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore

I wish Kyle felt this way:
I wanted
I wanted you to stay
'Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go

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You know if he had told me I had no choice... that I had to stay with him... that I couldn't go back... instead of saying "I want you here but go if you wanna go" or whatever... I would have stayed... I would have given up everything to be with him... sometimes I get scared that I love him too much... so much that I would give up everything for him.. and that scares me... i mean... he's only my friend.... my best friend but still only a friend... maybe somewhere deep down I am in love with him and I just don't realize it because as I'm writing this my eyes are filling with tears thinking about Kyle... not Justin... but Kyle and that scares me into thinking there's something there that I just don't see.... is that possible... to be in love with someone and not even know it??? I'm so confused....
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well I gotta go and get some stuff done... it's not like anyone cares about me missing my friends anyways and its not like anyone reads this at all...
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http://www.myspace.com/tiffyjean86

yo

I'm in a very Kevin mood today... I was reading some old entrys and I just miss him... a lot.... he was such a sweetheart the last time I saw him... Oh and as of a few hours ago.. I'm not pregnant once again... I hate being female... anyways... yeah.... Jenyfer I love you... Tori write back to me... oh and Jen ... the next time you leave the diary in Augusta while you go back to Norredgewock why don't ask Jesy to watch it for you... damn... I could have wrote to you all this time... the last time I cut I could have calmed myself down by writing to you instead.... geeze... but I love you anyways....
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my myspace is coming along great with my tinkerbelle background and everything....
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well I guess I gotta go....

I talked to Bobby today.... he hates me....I knew it... and I don't mean in the sexual way.... *tears*.... I'm just kidding... the sad thing is he doesn't hate me... Jesy might go to Job Corps...I might go with... if I could share a room with her.... then we'd be in Bangor... another hour away from Kyle.... but an hour closer to Justin and Kevin... only $18 for a bus ticket... did I tell ya'll I talked to Kevin yesterday... he was watching some movie... he has a sexy voice.... so unlike Bobby's... when Bobby's trying to sound sexy... I'm trying not to laugh.... ohmygawd eww.... his lil brother Christian has a crush on me... he's always poking me and calling me sexy... the other day he grabbed my boob.... it was like so wrong... I wanted to shout "DO YOU KNOW WHAT I DID WITH YOUR BROTHER!?!"... but instead I was like "Get your hands off me I could go to jail for that... I am very 'in like' with your brother".... I'm so not in love with Bobby... I can't believe I even thought like that.... but it was true... full-and-full... Kyle and Kevin saw it... saw me blush... saw my face light up after talking to Bobby on the phone when I was in Iowa... *sighs*....oh well... I'm full on Lezzie now.... guys are not worth it... the only guys that ever truelly like me.. I have no feelings for... can't forse myself to have feelings for them... and the guys I like... Kevin, Justin, Bobby, Brett.... use me... even guys I don't like somehow get to use me... Chris, Sean, Rory... at least the girls I've been with I think liked me... Jess does.. I know that... Jen promises me if she could swing that way it would be for me... and.... Tori... well I don't think she ever actually liked me or anything... hmm.... but then I didn't like her like that either so it was all like a mutual agreement.... her and Jes tie for best kissers right after Jen... she is like... thee best kisser in the world... I put her ahead of any guy... guy good kisser... hmmmm... that 2nd time with Justin.... Kyle's a pretty good kisser... but it might have been the lip ring he had way back when, Brett... he was a awesome kisser... he was awesome at everything... I should go visit him sometime soon... oh Kyle... I dated Kevin last night and my thing died.... um.... whoops... I'll tell you when I talk to you... wait... why on earth would you care.... ohmygawd random... anyone heard the song "Face Down" by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus... it's like my favorite song right now... it's about this girl getting beat up by her boyfriend and it's just... awsome... I'm a little positive if you can't tell....

6.26.05.... will be the best day of my life forever...

Tori go to our blog already.... check your lemonlicious61 e-mail for the link... kk luv you

Jen... what is this I hear about some Dustin guy???? talked to Casie... anyways I love you way bunches.... forever and ever

Ky don't forget to read the private blog... i love you

Tori Tori Tori.... I love you.... I made your myspace.... but the e-mail is Tiffyjean86@yahoo.com for now and ... hhhhmmmm.... I can't remember the password... I hope I wrote that down... lol... I will remember... I never remembered Justin's either....i still gotta get ur background up and stuff... and I'm gonna try to find Cassie's me and you to play when someone looks at ur profile... is that good with you... do you still like that song... i put up a ton of pics of you but only good ones dont worry... and one of jake... the one of you with rhiannion at missy's in the computer room... um... the one of me and you at the smoke spot the day i was leaving... um.... yeah but... i gotta go...

Kevin I love you and I miss you so much....

Justin... ur ok... lol... jk... you suck... jk again.... I love you...

Hey I just found out about this cool website that everyone should join....

Sign My Yearbook!

Yes Tori I am really happy you commented... but ya know what... I wish there was a way for me to comment you back... you should really start a blog... actually after I post this I'm gonna make the diary blog where we can write on the same blog together... check ur e-mail to get the link... ok.. I love you.
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PS.... I should be having loads of fun tonight... wish me luck...

ga er am I ....

hey... like the title?... I hate my mother so much.... in other news... blah... it's not like anyone reads this... sept Jen whom I love to death... and Tori who never leaves comments... if anyone else reads... they sure as hell don't let me know with like a comment or anything...
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Jess and me have been hanging out a lot lately... it's starting to be like old times... I still miss her... like the sexual part... but... when Luc goes to work it's just me and Jesy and it's awesome... I haven't really seen anyone else... ran into Emily at Hannaford's the other night... like last night... got caught shoplifting at Shaw's by Luc's mom.... horrible... didn't get in trouble or anything... just ain't going back to Shaw's cause Luc's mom is security and and she called up bitching to Luc that his gf needs to find better friends... oh well....
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In Bobby coverage... since he dumped me I've seen him like... once... he was wearing this dorky benie hat and it looked like he hadn't showered in a long while... maybe I'm better off... I haven't dated Kevin since leaving Iowa but I also haven't gotten any... given.. but not gotten... and not in a while.... anyways... I don't think I like the person Bobby is becoming.... he's showing off more of the "justin" side of his personality... I see no Kyle whatsoever in him anymore... he wouldn't even give me a hug.. maybe he's right.. maybe we do argue too much and stuff... maybe what happened was right.... maybe I was suppose to get over him... maybe I'm suppose to like chicks for good... plus Bobby is turning into a junkie... drinking... stealing (not that I don't do that)... but he steals from people like my sister... Laura... he steals her food and her smoking stuff and *positive* which is really fucked up... maybe he isn't the one... maybe he's not everything I want rolled into one because I don't want a junkie... I don't want an alcholic (except Justin)... I definatly don't want someone who will steal from my family... a bum... I mean he has a nice warm bed at home with a mom who cares about him... sure his siblings are brats but they don't beat on him with broomsticks or anything.... he has a place to go... and yet he always stays at Jess and Luc's.... always...
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oh... anyone read this send me ur phone numbers since my phone is broken and I can't get any of my phone numbers out of it... I can't even get the damn thing to turn on.... gahhh... oh but I still can cheack my voice mail so leave me one and when I find a phone... like my moms or seans or someone's I can call back.. but ya gotta leave a number... ok... well... I guess that's all really... so peace.
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well

um... I've been staying at my sisters for anyone that cares... I haven't cut since I was last at my mom's... my ankel doesn't quite look like raw hamburger anymore... so that's a good thing...
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um... yeah.... so I can't get a job because I don't have a phone number for employers to call back and I don't have a permanent address... not to mention all my phones numbers are in my phone... like my referance numbers and my previous experience numbers... not to mention all my friends numbers I've collect over the years... gahhh... friends of mine leave ur number as a comment so i can write them down if you ever want to hear from me again... ok ... luv ya all.... I'll be back tomarrow

here I am

Here I am going on and on about how much I want to kill myself and do I even get one comment... no.. and do you know why I don't get any comments... because no one cares... I never get any comments no one cares if I live or die so why do I even bother??? That's ok though because after I finish typing all my goodbyes I'm gonna put this on my xanga, tagged, and myspace too... and after I'm gone... maybe someone will think to cheak this to see what my very last thoughts were running through my head before I took my life.... so fuck you all for not caring when you had a chance...
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Justin... I was, am, and even in the afterlife always will be in love with you.... for you are still the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about before I close my eyes and drift away... and even though you are not really the cause of my suiside the fact remains that you will be the last thing running through my head before I jump, or drown, or eat a ton of pills and go to sleep forever... you meant so much to me... I wish you could have seen through your superficial eyes to see my heart and how much it longs for you... no one will ever love you as much as I do... I don't care if you get married and some girl says she loves you... she might... but she will only love you a portion of how much I love you.... no one will ever compare... you could have had the world... I would have given it to you if I could...you know that... I tried so hard to be everything you ever wanted.... I just couldn't do it.... and I'm sorry.... goodbye Justin David Tilkins... don't forget what you could have had.... me.
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Brett... thank you... you know what for... you were awesome...
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Sean... "it's a booty call... it's a booty call"... seems like that was really all I was to you... but whatever... you weren't the first to use me like that... but hey... I just realized... you were the last...
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Bobby.... you were everything I ever wanted in a guy... and yet for once I didn't fall in love... for a while I admit I thought I was going to.... but it was faulse hope that I could be over Justin... you were a good friend... you tried to help sometimes... my favorite memory with you is when I was about to leave for Iowa and we just sat on the couch and you hugged me... held me really... while I cried... you didn't say anything... you just let me cry... it reminded me of Kyle (The holding part) and Kevin (the not saying anything while I cry part)... it was so perfect and it made me not want to leave you... but I did... and I came back... and you were done with me... you said you want to just be friends... but with you... I can't do it

Yeah so....

yeah so I wasn't done saying my goodbyes yet so I'm back.... I haven't done it yet... though I still want to.... more than anything... I don't want to be tied down to one place anymore... going to Iowa did make me realize one thing... I don't want to stay in one place I want to travel.... if I stay alive that is... because I am still seriously considering suiside as the solution to all my problems... it's the only way I won't be a burden on anyone.... it's the only way to make my mind stop running with all the thoughts I have going on in there... like... Kyle's so far away.... Tori's so far away... Bobby doesn't want me anymore... Justin never wanted me and now he hates me... Kevin used me.... My mom is a fucking low-life fucking cunt, Jessi isn't allowed to be with me... I really liked her... and she can't stand up to her fucking boyfriend and tell him to fuck off so she must not like me as much as she says she does.... everyone is out to fuck me over.... the whole Bethie and Bobby thing really got to me... the fact that I haven't heard from a certain guy since the last booty call he made to me... that's all I am to guys... none of them want to date me... they just use me for sex and sexual favors and I never get anything in return... I thought girls would be somewhat better but there's still all sorts of complications... and ya know what.... just because I'm bitter cause I haven't gotten any in a while isn't why I want to kill myself... it's just the tip of the iceburg... I'm homeless.... I have no hopes of ever getting a home.... I'm jobless.... and I don't want a job because it would tie me down to one place and I just can't have that anymore... so what if I don't want to grow up... it's like my favorite ICP song.... "FUCK THE WORLD"... I'm so sick of it that I can't stand it.... and my mom and Sam saying that Jessi should go stand on the corner and be a hooker to pay off my cell-phone bill if she loves me so much.... well fuck that... that is what I consider unforgiveable.... I am never going to forgive them for that... Sam can take her Pussycat Dolls tickets and shove them up her fucking ass for all I care because I don't want to be near her whiny ass ever again... I'm sick of her shit... she's a fucking cunt who I am old enough to not have to deal with anymore.... I would rather sleep in a garbage can then ever stay in the same house as my little sister ever again....
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Jessi.... like I said... I don't think you care about me as much as you say you do... if I had a boyfriend who told me to dump you... specially one I'm not even in love with.... I would tell him to fuck off and if he couldn't handle it then I would break up with him... even if he is the father of my child because your the one who made me happy... I talked about you constantly while I was in Iowa.... bragged really.... I liked you so much.... and now it's all over.... I feel like I wasn't good enough... but then again... I know I'm not good enough so I guess I was re-taught my lesson....
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Leola... hey cuz... I'll miss you... at least you still have Niomi.... seems like you like her a lot more then you like me anyways... well I still love you...
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once again i gotta go...

Well

I am so totally sick of this fucking town and these fucking people... I really have no escape... I want to just run and run until I can't run anymore... and keep on going... I want to do as many drugs as I can until I just fucking die... I want to bleed out every last drop of blood in me... I want to bash my head in with a rock and scream till my lungs collapse... I just want it all to be over and I'm not fucking kidding anymore...
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Jenyfer.... you know how much you mean to me... but my mom is right... being your friend doesn't help my life at all... sure you try... you talk to me when I'm depressed and all... but your only 15 years old... you can't save me... nowadays... no one can... I am beyond repair... there is no turning back from this for me.... I am going to kill myself one way or another.... I need to prove to the world that I can do this... I know I can... and then my fucking no good rotten ass mother will finally realize that she fucked up in a huge way...
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Kevin... if you ever read this... thanx for letting me leave earth knowing you care... I love you and I really wish your brother could have forgiven me... I really did love him... but I'm done letting him in... done letting him fuck with my head.... hey... funny how it turns out... he wasn't the one that made me go off the deep end... But Kev... thanx for June 26th and thanks for being nice to me lately... sticking up for me against Aunti Kim and everything... I love you but I just can not handle this anymore...
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well i gotta go...

Is it wrong to want to give up... on everything... and everyone... to not care anymore how much some people will miss you... like anyone but Jen and Tori would even notice... Kyle... I don't know anymore... I'm just so sick and fucking tired of feeling like this all the fucking time nowadays... I just want to give it all up... I mean... I know Kyle loves me... and he'd probably miss me if I died and stuff... but why the fuck does it even matter... it's not like I'm helping anything or anyone by staying around... always fighting with my mom... fighting with the love of my life... I can't have anything that I want... I'm so sick of just being here and not having anything... "not having a home to put one in if I did have one"... and it's never gonna get any better...no matter where I go... stay here or move to Iowa... there will always be people I miss... there will always be drama and complications... here I fight with my mom, I don't have the guy I'm in love with, I'm a slut and everybody knows it and likes to make their opinions of me clear as day... in Iowa... I fought with my best friend constantly... so much so I started cutting again... and now it's like I can't stop... to anyone who doesn't know... that would be Kyle, Tori, Kevin... I was hospitalized the other night for being suisidal... I got into a huge fight with my brother where he punched me in the face 6 times... in my arms and my head a ton of times and hit me in the stomach with a broom handle.... thank god I wasn't pregnant or else I would have lost it... I don't deserve that... or maybe I do... or else why would so many people do it... Nick... Kyle and Kevin... Justin slapped me across the face again the other night... the only time I feel remotely ok is when I'm with Bobby... because he seriously does make me feel good... better... he holds me when I'm depressed and.... he's just like how Kyle used to be... and that's what I love about him so much... I mean... I know he's really immature and stuff but... he's like one of my best friends... if I could give that title to a guy again... it would be him... but I think I give that title away too easily... I mean Justin, Kevin, Kyle, Brett, and Sean... it's just too much... Justin still means so much to me... but best friend... I want him to be... we used to be there for each other... hell I almost got fired from Subway for talking to him on the phone during work... I gave up so much for him... I sacrifised... he never did that for me... and he just... gave up on me... just like that... so is he really a best friend... was he ever??? I tried so hard for him... I really did... and all he did was break me down and make me feel worthless all the damn time... and I tried so hard for him......... Kevin... I don't know.... Kevin only seems to want to be my friend when it's convient for him... when he wants something... though the other night at Kim's.... I've tried so hard for him too... and it's like... I never get anything in return from those boys... never... and like... even when I do get something from one of them... it always guilt trips me and haunts me until I want to die... but kevin really has been being a great guy lately... ever since July 11th when I told him Jen has a boyfriend... it's like Kyle and Kevin switched personalities.... and Kyle... what I wouldn't do to turn back time and still be down there with him... and Tori of course but this is about the boys.... I miss him... I really do... even though we fought all the time... even though he made me feel like he didn't care about me anymore... even though he hurt me to the point of wanting to kill myself many times.... thinking he no longer cared about me... at all.... it killed.... it was like grabbing my heart and squeezing out all the blood.... sqeezing my eyes dry... pounding my brain into oblivion... the idea of Kyle no longer loving me... is just something I cannot deal with... he's still the most important person in my life... no matter who comes and goes throughout my life... I will never love anyone the way I love him... I'm like bound to him forever...
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For all those times you stood by me, For all the truth that you made me see, For all the joy you brought to my life For all the wrong that you made right, For every dream you made come true, For all the love I found in you I'll be forever thankful baby, You're the one who held me up, Never let me fall, You're the one who saw me through through it all

You were my strength when I was weak, You were my voice when I couldn't speak, You were my eyes when I couldn't see You saw the best there was in me, Lifted me up when I couldn't reach, You gave me faith 'coz you believed I'm everything I am, Because you loved me

You gave me wings and made me fly, You touched my hand I could touch the sky, I lost my faith, you gave it back to me You said no star was out of reach, You stood by me and I stood tall, I had your love I had it all I'm grateful for each day you gave me, Maybe I don't know that much,But I know this much is true I was blessed because I was loved by you

You were my strength when I was weak, You were my voice when I couldn't speak, You were my eyes when I couldn't see You saw the best there was in me, Lifted me up when I couldn't reach, You gave me faith 'coz you believed I'm everything I am, Because you loved me

You were always there for me, The tender wind that carried me, A light in the dark shining your love into my life You've been my inspiration, Through the lies you were the truth, My world is a better place because of you

You were my strength when I was weak, You were my voice when I couldn't speak, You were my eyes when I couldn't see You saw the best there was in me, Lifted me up when I couldn't reach, You gave me faith 'coz you believed I'm everything I am, Because you loved me

I'm everything I am, Because you loved me
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I love Kyle so much and no one will ever be able to replace him in my heart...no one.... no matter how much we fight and it seems like we grow apart... he will always own a huge piece of my heart... my life.... I wouldn't be here if it weren't for him... I love you Kyle James Sanchez..... never forget that.... Brett... he was there for me when Justin went to jail.... I don't know... that's what placed him in the best friends category.... but... I wasn't really as close to Brett as I was the other 3... Sean... after Justin... then Kyle... then Kevin left me... Sean was all I had left... and he was great... we never shared any of those heart renching moments but... he was fun.... So really... I guess that only leaves me with Kyle and Kevin... I guess Bobby could be my best friend... he's kinda a fill in for Justin, Kevin, Kyle, and Brett... not that he could ever replace them... he just... helps hold me over.... I don't know... Bobby is so... perfect for me... except for the fact that he doesn't have any feelings for me either... it seems like no guy ever will have feelings for me... Kyle don't you dare say Brice because we both know that would never have worked out... he didn't even have the guts to tell me he liked me... not to mention the other reasons I couldn't bring myself to be with him for any long period of time ya know...
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but yeah I have to go take a shower and stuff so i can go see jenyfer before she leaves so... peace out...