Is it wrong to want to give up... on everything... and everyone... to not care anymore how much some people will miss you... like anyone but Jen and Tori would even notice... Kyle... I don't know anymore... I'm just so sick and fucking tired of feeling like this all the fucking time nowadays... I just want to give it all up... I mean... I know Kyle loves me... and he'd probably miss me if I died and stuff... but why the fuck does it even matter... it's not like I'm helping anything or anyone by staying around... always fighting with my mom... fighting with the love of my life... I can't have anything that I want... I'm so sick of just being here and not having anything... "not having a home to put one in if I did have one"... and it's never gonna get any better...no matter where I go... stay here or move to Iowa... there will always be people I miss... there will always be drama and complications... here I fight with my mom, I don't have the guy I'm in love with, I'm a slut and everybody knows it and likes to make their opinions of me clear as day... in Iowa... I fought with my best friend constantly... so much so I started cutting again... and now it's like I can't stop... to anyone who doesn't know... that would be Kyle, Tori, Kevin... I was hospitalized the other night for being suisidal... I got into a huge fight with my brother where he punched me in the face 6 times... in my arms and my head a ton of times and hit me in the stomach with a broom handle.... thank god I wasn't pregnant or else I would have lost it... I don't deserve that... or maybe I do... or else why would so many people do it... Nick... Kyle and Kevin... Justin slapped me across the face again the other night... the only time I feel remotely ok is when I'm with Bobby... because he seriously does make me feel good... better... he holds me when I'm depressed and.... he's just like how Kyle used to be... and that's what I love about him so much... I mean... I know he's really immature and stuff but... he's like one of my best friends... if I could give that title to a guy again... it would be him... but I think I give that title away too easily... I mean Justin, Kevin, Kyle, Brett, and Sean... it's just too much... Justin still means so much to me... but best friend... I want him to be... we used to be there for each other... hell I almost got fired from Subway for talking to him on the phone during work... I gave up so much for him... I sacrifised... he never did that for me... and he just... gave up on me... just like that... so is he really a best friend... was he ever??? I tried so hard for him... I really did... and all he did was break me down and make me feel worthless all the damn time... and I tried so hard for him......... Kevin... I don't know.... Kevin only seems to want to be my friend when it's convient for him... when he wants something... though the other night at Kim's.... I've tried so hard for him too... and it's like... I never get anything in return from those boys... never... and like... even when I do get something from one of them... it always guilt trips me and haunts me until I want to die... but kevin really has been being a great guy lately... ever since July 11th when I told him Jen has a boyfriend... it's like Kyle and Kevin switched personalities.... and Kyle... what I wouldn't do to turn back time and still be down there with him... and Tori of course but this is about the boys.... I miss him... I really do... even though we fought all the time... even though he made me feel like he didn't care about me anymore... even though he hurt me to the point of wanting to kill myself many times.... thinking he no longer cared about me... at all.... it killed.... it was like grabbing my heart and squeezing out all the blood.... sqeezing my eyes dry... pounding my brain into oblivion... the idea of Kyle no longer loving me... is just something I cannot deal with... he's still the most important person in my life... no matter who comes and goes throughout my life... I will never love anyone the way I love him... I'm like bound to him forever...
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For all those times you stood by me, For all the truth that you made me see, For all the joy you brought to my life For all the wrong that you made right, For every dream you made come true, For all the love I found in you I'll be forever thankful baby, You're the one who held me up, Never let me fall, You're the one who saw me through through it all

You were my strength when I was weak, You were my voice when I couldn't speak, You were my eyes when I couldn't see You saw the best there was in me, Lifted me up when I couldn't reach, You gave me faith 'coz you believed I'm everything I am, Because you loved me

You gave me wings and made me fly, You touched my hand I could touch the sky, I lost my faith, you gave it back to me You said no star was out of reach, You stood by me and I stood tall, I had your love I had it all I'm grateful for each day you gave me, Maybe I don't know that much,But I know this much is true I was blessed because I was loved by you

You were my strength when I was weak, You were my voice when I couldn't speak, You were my eyes when I couldn't see You saw the best there was in me, Lifted me up when I couldn't reach, You gave me faith 'coz you believed I'm everything I am, Because you loved me

You were always there for me, The tender wind that carried me, A light in the dark shining your love into my life You've been my inspiration, Through the lies you were the truth, My world is a better place because of you

You were my strength when I was weak, You were my voice when I couldn't speak, You were my eyes when I couldn't see You saw the best there was in me, Lifted me up when I couldn't reach, You gave me faith 'coz you believed I'm everything I am, Because you loved me

I'm everything I am, Because you loved me
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I love Kyle so much and no one will ever be able to replace him in my heart...no one.... no matter how much we fight and it seems like we grow apart... he will always own a huge piece of my heart... my life.... I wouldn't be here if it weren't for him... I love you Kyle James Sanchez..... never forget that.... Brett... he was there for me when Justin went to jail.... I don't know... that's what placed him in the best friends category.... but... I wasn't really as close to Brett as I was the other 3... Sean... after Justin... then Kyle... then Kevin left me... Sean was all I had left... and he was great... we never shared any of those heart renching moments but... he was fun.... So really... I guess that only leaves me with Kyle and Kevin... I guess Bobby could be my best friend... he's kinda a fill in for Justin, Kevin, Kyle, and Brett... not that he could ever replace them... he just... helps hold me over.... I don't know... Bobby is so... perfect for me... except for the fact that he doesn't have any feelings for me either... it seems like no guy ever will have feelings for me... Kyle don't you dare say Brice because we both know that would never have worked out... he didn't even have the guts to tell me he liked me... not to mention the other reasons I couldn't bring myself to be with him for any long period of time ya know...
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but yeah I have to go take a shower and stuff so i can go see jenyfer before she leaves so... peace out...