Friday August 25th 2006

ya know how I was so depressed earlier... well I called Justin and Kevin's and talked to Kevin for like 45 mins... he was playing diablo and I was playing solitare and my mood was lifting but then he had to go and he wouldn't say he loved me.... that night I freaked out he promised me he would never not say it again when I wanted to hear it because he does love me and blah blah blah but then he wouldn't say it.... *Sighs*... well I love him anyways... and I know he loves me wether he says it or not... because of that night and the night at Aunti Kim's.... I will always believe that Kevin loves me after that... Kyle didn't get to me that much that night... even though he was the one who held me down... it was mostly Kevin who got through to me.... mostly when I ran away the secound time and he fallowed me and hugged me and wouldn't let me go and I told him about how he made me feel like such a horrible person and he told me never to feel that way because of him again..... he told me that one day a certain somebody will forgive me for what I did.... even though I will never forgive myself... but anyways I love him... it was fun talking to him again.... I also called Sean's cell and he I guess has an apartment with Kenny at Cote's apartments... I told him he should come over later today so... we'll see about that one... um.... then I called Kyle but he was like wicked tired so he couldn't talk cause he was falling asleep on the phone...I guess he started school a couple weeks ago too... Kevin being the first to start school a while ago... why is Augusta the last city in the world to start school... it's cool and all but... hmm... I don't know.... well Jen isn't going to school yet so... I don't know... all I know is my schooling is over for now... I have to find a way to make some money. And I don't want to do it illegally... but I need to make and save about 500 before Novemeber... or well the end of november... so that I can be with Kyle again for Thanksgiving... Yeah so I don't really want to get a job and get tied down and stuff because I want to leave again soon so really... what is the point of getting a job? I just want to make some money.... my mom just asked me when is Kyle's turn to come up here? and I said after he graduates from high school, though I have this feeling that he still won't be coming back even then... I have this feeling that he's never gonna step foot on Maine soil again...and that saddens me but I don't blame him... I now realize what a shit hole this place really is... there's some retarded new gang in town named "POOPS"... I am so not kidding about this... and they like broke into a friend of mine's house and beat some girls head with a bat and gave her a concussion... Bruce and Bobby were there during it but didn't get hurt and my friend Josh (the really cute guy with dreads who hung out at Jesy's) got his stiches ripped out... he had his appendix taken out like a couple days before this... but yeah so this town is hell... my mom makes my life even more miserable everyday.... if it weren't for the fact that I no longer have a cell phone then I wouldn't care wether I ever see her again...that may sound horrible and I'll probably for some stupid reason regret this when she does eventually die but come on... she does make me want to die on a regular basis...so much so that I can't stand being around her... I hate even the sound of her voice.... you know who has the sexyish voice on earth.... Kevin! I've noticed it before and I noticed it again when I talked to him today on the phone... he has like a seriously sexy as all hell voice... *sighs* .....yeah so now I'm spending my days being lonely and bored... not knowing what to do with my time... I wish I could be with me friends... I miss going to school.... weird I know... but I miss seeing my friends everyday... and it's not just Justin, Kevin, Kyle, Jen.... it was horrible going to school with the memories of them... sepically Kevin... having to walk by his homeroom everyday and walk by his math class on the way to my accounting class... that's why I eventually gave up on school days... Justin... eating lunch with him...giving him my hot pocket that first day of school the year he called in the bomb threat... looking for him at the vo-tech field... him and Elena walking past me laughing after the first time Justin and me madeout... now those may not be good memories but they are my memories and I cherish them... also that time with Travis in the hall before the catwalk... so many memories... he even walked me to my classes a couple of times... *tears* That boy meant so much to me... now I'm actually crying... he still means so much to me... with him there's no secound guessing and questioning... I know I love him so much... I am so in love with him. I knew March 5th 2003 and I've know ever since... a few times I told myself I was over him... that I moved on.. but the truth always filters back to me that I am in love with Justin David Tilkins and will be for the rest of my life... I will someday move on... but I will never give someone Justin's huge piece of my heart... Kyle at school I don't remember too much... I remember the bus stop with him and I remember that one time in the library with him and Jen but that's it... Jen... I remember skipping my art 4 class to go hang out with her in her lunch... I remember getting into that fight with her about punching the locker... I remember going to her study hall... I remember going to the freshman computer lab with her and seeing the hottie teacher... I remember she had fine arts at the same time I was suppose to have art 4 and one time our classes were held together... and we talked and got in trouble.. lol... and everyone thought she was my little sister and I was like "Nope, she's my best friend".... lol I remember when me and Kevin were gonna go with Trisha Bechard to smoke a cigerette because we didn't have any and Kiwi grabbed me and wouldn't let me go but Kevin went anyways and Jen like freaked out lol.... god I miss that girl... I miss going to school with her and Kevin.... remember when we skipped on friday the 13th and Matt drove by while we were walking the streets so Jen ran back inside to her study hall and me and Kevin went to Dunkin Donuts... the bus driver was a bitch and wouldn't let us on the bus so we had to walk and kevin was thisclose to getting hit by a car... Kev got grounded for the weekend and I was kicked off the computer for the weekend... but I had to write a paper so I got to use it anyways hahahaha... Kevin came and got me to go run errands for his mom and I found an empty porn box and twisted my ankel... then I had a cigerette in my room and I thought I put it out like halfway but when I came back the whole thing was burnt away... I was so sad... Friday the 13th sucks!..but like I said it's not just them that I miss.... I miss Jaylyn, Erin, Becca, Ali, Shawn, Jodi, Jon, Michelle, Susie, Cecila, Corey, Russell, Andy, Lisa, Ilene, Larry, Melissa, Monica, Cora, Holly C, Holly P, Katie R, Katy H, Katie H, Katie S, Emily, Jenny, Jillian, Casie, Emily, Leola,.... Michela, Leana, Mary H, Cindy, Bethie, JP, Doug, Christian, Steve, James, Sean, Justin D, Nikki, Ari, John-John, Megan, Crystal.... I just am in a missing mood... but someone I really miss is Travis.... I haven't talked to him in probably over a year.... I know I haven't seen him for two years... he was everything I had ever wanted in a guy... clean cut but punky... hung lol... very very cute... he was practically a virgin which turns me on all to hell.. a guy whos only had a little bit on expierence... which is why I like teenage boys... he was funny and sexy and super cool... but I fell in love with Justin.... *sighs* once again......Justin.... I'm back to him.... he.... is undescrible.... he took everything I had wanted in a guy and did the oppisette... I mean...he put me down for the way I looked and acted, he used me, he was always broke, and always rude, my mom hated him back in the day, he was dirty and hairy and played video games all the time, he was a druggie and an alcholic and he hit me... he didn't like any of my friends so I switched my whole group of friends for him... not that that wasn't the best thing to ever happen to me because if it weren't for Justin I never would have hung out with Kyle or Kevin which means I never would have become friends with Jen and eventually Jesy... I wouldn't know Jesy if it weren't for Justin.... nothing would be the same in my life.... I wouldn't have became so close with Kyle if it weren't for Justin.... (and the election, and him moving 2,316 miles away and talking on the phone all the time) Kevin and me would definatly never have happened... and if I didn't have Kevin to ease me into becoming ok with my sexuality I would probably still be a virgin to this day.... he's the one that made me feel comfortable with myself by saying I was amazing... maybe because I was his first... but still I was "amazing"... I have since heard "awesome", "Wow", and "Thanks"... the thanks one is kinda rude though... hmmm.... whatever... Kevin is such a great person and if I didn't have his fucked up point of view in my life then... I don't know... I would be such a different person now.. Justin has shaped my whole life nowadays... everything I do somehow relates to him... take this blog for instance... I started it to basically rant about my crush/love of Justin... I needed a diary and an online one is so much easier to keep then a paper one... I hate writing but I love typing...anyways I'm pretty tired now that it's 7am even... I best be going home and going to bed... plus I have a headache...



Cassie - Me & You:baby I'll love you all the way downget you right were you like itI promise you'll like it, I swearjust, relax and let me make the movesit's our secret, we'll keep it between me and you

Ok tell me that's not about giving some guy head... either that or she just lets him sit there and do absolutly nothing while she rides him or something... but I'm pretty sure it's about giving head..