Ok so

Ok so I cut again.... sue me.... its not like anyone reads this.... its not like anyone cares... but ya know what... I care.... I care because I have beautiful scars to remember my pain.
.
.
Anyways I went to see the new cony tonight.... it was huge and took me 2 hours to find the art department.... there was a cyber cafe but it only had like 5 computers... first come first serve I guess.... I would never eat because I would always be glued to the computer screen the scound I could get outta clss for lunch... I miss school in a weird way.... and I ran straight into Chris Berry coming down the stairs... we locked eyes and everything.... now thats one guy I never thought I would see again.... its weird how you can see someone everyday at school and then never see them again once you graduate high school.... it's kinda scary and sad...
.
.
Laura got a new job today.... she starts wendsday.... $500 a week.... no more going hungry maybe.... yay!
.
.
Gaby started school yesterday and loves it.... Sam started high school 2 days ago and hates it... I guess some girl is calling her names and stuff.... let me see the girl doing it... I hate Sam and all but she shouldn't be getting harrassed, especially at school...
.
.
um.... I have a headache.... and I'm hungry.... and these computers suck ass.... everything is so fucking slow that the screen doesn't register half the letters I type in and I keep having to go back and enter spaces and letters and tuff.... look at that, that was suppose t say stuff* and that wassuppose to say to* and that was suppose to say was suppose*.... grrrrr...
.
.
I'm going on myspace since I don't have much else to say....
.
.
oh yeah one more thing.... I keep having this weird dream where I'm somewhere and I get lost and run into these two guys I've never seen before... I have it all the time.... it's weird.... today in the dream Bobby was there.... first we were in the library trying to find somewhere but there were people everywhere so we went outside and to this like lake place and I went swimming and he ditched me and I got out on the other side and ran into those guys.... they were really hott in a non-existant way.... and then Nick was there and he had quit his job to go to this place that I think was like a camp school which apparently me and bobby went to also and those guys.... and Sam was visiting us (grrrr) and stuff.... and then bobby told me he had ditched me to go to the bathroom... and I was like "Oh" and then I woke up because I had to pee... lol.... yeah so what does it all mean??????
.
.
.
Oh and I ran into Bobby's ex Mandy at the library.... she scares me.... she's Jen and Jesy's cousin and she scares the fuck outta me.... I would protect Bobby from the world if I could.... I'm always so worried about him.... anyways... he dumped me.... I can't believe it.... ok guys... if you had a FWB who was pretty much up for anything and willing to go at it anytime.... would you break up with them????? I mean he doesn't even have a girlriend... that I would understand.... that scares me too.... he's gonna go to school and get a girlfriend and then I definatly will never get him back.... he's s wicked hott... I have decided I don't love him.... the other night before we did anything he asked me if I liked him as more than a friend and this is what I said lol "Let's see... Do I wanna rip your clothes off of you everytime I see you?- yes, Am I in love with you? - no!" Because what I feel for Bobby is purely lust I have decided... I mean... I don't like anything else about him.... hes an ok friend but he was way better before I went to Iowa... specially when he held me for the hour before I got on the bus... he just held me... even thinking about it makes my eyes tear up.... he was so sweet.... he as like Kyle... then I went to Iowa where even Kyle wasn't like Kyle... and I came back here and Bobby wasn't like Kyle... I just realized I have no Kyle personality in my life whatsoever anymore.... *tears*
.
.
Fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!! If only I weren't so afraid of death.... when I was little I was always afraid of death.. I would hold Teddy, listen to Nsync's first album and cry about my grandmothers death afraid that I would die at any moment... and then when I got older I forgot my fear and was suisidal.... everyday it was a battle against actually going through wth it.... and now I'm once again scared of death.... what if I die tomarrow... and there's nothing else... what if my soul doesn't live on.... I was tought that is church but that is not what the bible says happens. I miss Kyle... everybody else I miss you too of course but right now I just wish I could see his face.... see him smile... and I would stop crying maybe only for a little bit but I know his smile could stop the waterfalls rushing from my eyes.... Kyle James Sanchez I love you.... you're still my best friend!