From home and catching the world up on my life...

January 20th 2006
I don't know why I get like this sometimes.... I just start crying randomly all the time.... I'm looking at pictures on the computer... editing them and stuff... and a lot of them are pictures of Kevin... I go back in my mind and I think of all the good times we had together and then I go and start thinking about all the bad times... the times where he made me feel worthless and unloved.... and my eyes tear up and I start sniffling and it hurts... I talked to him today... well yesterday now.... I just wish he would say he loves me.... he didn't even say goodbye... he wanted to talk to Jessi... why can't any of my supposed best friends want to talk to me.... Justin, Kevin, and Kyle too.... they always want to talk to her.... it gets me so sad sometimes! I know it's not her fault guys fall at her feet... I don't understand why they all want her and not me.... she's so perfect, she gets everything I want... At least Tori understands how I'm feeling. Tori I love you... you're the awesomest.... Grrr... I'm so mad at the world and myself for letting it get this bad.... why can't I just make myself get over him.... oh yeah I remember because he was the first person who made me feel good about myself in years... for 2 years I felt like I was a loser and I could never get the one thing that I wanted (Justin) no matter how nice I was or how much I waited on that boy hand and foot I couldn't get him to like me even a little... I felt so hopeless and undeserving and worthless.... until Kevin came around and gave me confidence... and then everything changed... I started to actually have feelings for him instead of his brother... I eventually forgot about my feelings for Justin all together... (and I was bad about Justin) ... and he noticed I had feelings and stopped with everything... I mean... I guess it's nice he didn't want to lead me on once he found out I actually liked him but... I already had felt so much by then that it was hopeless... at least Justin didn't lead me on the way Kevin did.... I mean the way Justin treated me hurt... a lot.... but he never acted like he liked me just so I would do sexual things with him... I gave up a lot of stuff to be with Kevin and now I feel like I wasted all that time and energy and love... because he doesn't love me.... not even as a friend or he would tell me.... wouldn't he? I understand how he could do stuff with me and not be in love with me... I really do understand it now... because I did stuff with Josh when I was in Iowa and I don't have any real feelings toward him... I mean I like him... I liked him a lot back then... but afterwards I realzed that I'm still in love with Kevin... no matter what I do and or who I do it with... I still love Kevin... I could have sex with Jesse McCartney tomarrow... better yet Chad Micheal Murray... and I would still be in love with Kevin Andrew Tilkins.... because he's my everything... I don't know what to do... my head hurts now... I've been crying too hard, for too long and now I have a headache that won't go away... and I miss Jen.... right now I really wish she were here because she can make me stop crying.... she's the only one of my friends besides Tori who I'm not mad at right now and I love her and I miss her and I wish she were here...

Jan 21st 2006

12:30am
I'm listening to "I Wanna Be There" and getting sad again.... I wish Kevin were still here for me.... I love him so much and I miss him so goddamn much!... I talked to him on the phone today and he has a new girlfriend... she's short and Indian.... all they've done so far is makeout in the school hallways... he doesn't even rememeber her name... his story is... his friend Jean (my middle name) noticed that Kevin was flirting with her a little bit so was like "You guys look like you'd make a good couple"... and then he basically asked them out for each other so now they're dating... I don't know... I'd like to say I wish he hadn't found a girl up there.... but maybe I'll love her like I love Tori!.... But then again maybe I won't.... maybe I'll hate her with a burning rage for being with the man I'm in love with! What if, like Kyle, he falls in love with her... and when it gets down to it... he won't be able to leave her... I'm scared now more then ever that he'll stop loving me... even as a friend... I've already been replaced in Kyle's life... well not replaced... he says no one will ever replace me... but I still feel replaced sometimes... they both will have all new lives that they won't want to leave just to be with me... when I'm practically nothing to them.... nothing but a friend... I don't want to be more then a friend with Kyle... but with Kevin... I want to be his everything like he's my everything... because I love him.

5:11am
OK so not only have I dropped out of school... but now I quit my job too.... plus Jen is so mad at me she doesn't want to be my friend.... great I lost one of my best friends.... I already lost Justin last week because of Jessi and now I've lost Jen.... grr... If it weren't for the fact that I only have one credit to go till I finish high school.... I would be so outta here and on my way to Iowa... I have nothing here for me.... no place to live, no job, and no friends anymore... Justin and Jen hate me and Kevin will soon enough... all I'll have is Kyle and Tori... how long will it be till they too see what a horrible fucked up person I am and decide to hate me also... Lee's up here... right about now she's the only friend I'm staying for... she's my only best friend I got left up here... well I still have Kevin but... I lose him more and more every day... even though not a day goes by when I don't think of him... I seem to be thinking of him less and less... I'm still not attracted to any other guys... but I'm not thinking of Kevin as much. I'm alone and miserable up here.... I've been saying this for a while and it seems to be worsening and worsening... the only resolution I have been able to keep is the not cutting one and right about now it's hard to keep it... I want to just look at the blood so bad... I want to feel the pain and see the blood poar... I'm sick I know... but ask any other person who cuts... they know... it just makes everything ok for a little while.... alcoholics drink to relive pain, stoners get high to forget, lots of my friends tweek out on walls to get out their anger... I want to cut to relive my pain and I write to relive my anger... not everything I write is exacally how I feel... sometimes though... it is how I feel... sometimes I'm just to upset, depressed, angry or sad, to tell someone to their face what I really feel... that's just the way I am.... I can't do it... I can't look someone in their eyes and say something mean... not even to Felicia or Jessica Seagrieve and I wish they would both get hit by a 18-wheeler... I'm just not that type of person... Well... I feel more worthless now then ever in my life.... no reason to get up and out of bed... I only have that one night class Wednsday from 6-9pm at Cony... so depressed and confused and I just want Kyle and Kevin and possibly Justin to be here.... I do want Justin here... but not if he doesn't want to be... I don't want him to be mean to me or anything... I miss him.... I'm so fucked....

7:27am
I can't believe he has another girlfriend that I'm gonna have to wait out... I thought Jen and him would last forever but I waited it out and see where it got me?.... same place I was before... nowhere... I just miss him so goddamn much!!!! I just want to see him.... just look into his eyes and tell him I love him again.... I need.... someone to bethere for me... and I have no one... If Jessi never forgives me this time... well then I guess I deserve it.... if Jen never forgives me... well.. other then the fact that I may die.... I know I deserve that one... I am not a good friend to her at all.... I mean... a good friend wouldn't have done anything with her boyfriend, open relationship or not. A good friend wouldn't let themselves fall in love with her boyfriend and get jelous of the fact that they were happy together... a good friend wouldn't have wished the day would come when she would realize he didn't love her anymore when she knew it all along but didn't want to get her other best friend (who only cares about her when he feels like it) to get mad at her... wow... I think I just confused myself.... basically... I knew Kevin had lost his feelings for Jen a long time ago... he did have some... he had a lot... he was in love with her... I could see it... and when he told me he didn't love her anymore... I didn't tell Jen because #1 - I didn't want to hurt her, and #2 I didn't want him to be mad at me.... but he only cares about me when he feels like it... and ... I feel like nobody cares about me.... that's a really shitty way to feel....

12:39pm
Jen talked to me sternly about what I wrote in my blog.... she's mad at me because apparently I lied.... she's not mad at me enough to not be my friend anymore but she is really mad at me... also... she asked me if Kevin and me had ever had sex.... because of another thing I wrote in my blog "that's how I got into this whole mess with Kevin" ... by that I had just meant that sometimes someone gets with a lot of guys, probably because it makes them feel loved and confident... Kevin made me feel loved and confident when we "amazing"... I mean... the whole amazing thing... him calling me it... that gave me such a confidence boost that I kept coming back to him and eventually I fell in love with him... I still haven't told her why.... I'm gonna tell her later tonight I just decided.... for anyone who happens to not know... one time while me and Kevin were messing around we were both really into it and he told me he loved me... and I believed him... I thought he loved me in a way other than friendship.... but I was wrong... he has told me time and time again since that he is not in love with me, he never was... he was using me for sexual favors and I understand that now... but I can't stop loving him... I mean we were making out and he whispered... whispered he loved me under his breath... like I wasn't suppose to hear it... ya know... like he really felt it and he had to say it but he didn't want me to know... I don't know... he said it out loud a couple times too but the time I remember most is when he whispered it because it was like in the movies... they don't shout I love you in the movies... the boy whispers and it means something.... I just wanted it to mean something... well I gotta go to the library so I can post this.... maybe I'll write more when I get there... who knows...

4:30pm
Jessi forgave me too... and I admit Jess you have been doing really good lately... I am really sorry for writing mean stuff about you. When I get angry I like to type... the sound of the keys calms me down... and.. I take out my anger that way... and that day I happened to be really angry at you but I am sorry... you are one of my really good friends and I'm glad you didn't do anything to hurt yourself last night... after you were mad at me it took a lot for me to not go running for a knife too... so I'm proud of you... please don't ever do something like that to yourself because of something that has to do with me... I'm really not worth it... I'm not... and you're better than that... you know it! I'm sorry and I love you.