Damnit!

Ohmygod.... I thought I had my blog from last night on a disk and I was gonna post it but it isn't on my disk and now I am so pissed off....
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It pretty much said that certain people should mind there own business and this blog, along with my Myspace and Xanga are how I express myself and if you don't like what I have to say then stop reading it and don't go telling people who have yet to read it, what my blog is saying! If you caught that... then go away! If you’re the one I'm writing to... and you know who you are... then stop getting me in trouble... If a certain person were to read my blog themselves then I would understand that person getting mad at me but it's not fair for someone to get mad at you because someone else is telling them shit about you...
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Anyways… only 10 more days till I leave... I am getting so excited and paranoid... oh... guess what I am for Halloween.... Kyle!... yeah... they didn't have any Tinkerbelle wings at I-Party anymore so I dressed up as Kyle... I got the "priceless" shirt, the EAST hoodie and the hat Justin gave him...
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I invited a ton more people to Jen’s party today… Steve Moore, Chris Belanger - (who I thought I had invited last week), Sean and Arie… I just have to make sure that when people start showing up my sister doesn’t have a hissy fit or something… she was such a bitch last night… I worked all day yesterday then mom made me go shopping for Cullen’s Halloween costume at Wal-mart and we were there for at least an hour if not 2 or 3. Then I went home and dropped off my stuff then went to Mom’s and got on the computer… Leola called one time that I had to shut down Matt’s computer because it’s gay and she told me that she can’t come to Jen’s party because her football team is playing in the championship game in Jay. That sucks so bad because #1 – I won’t get to see her again before I leave for Iowa and #2 – she won’t be on Kyle’s tape… plus she won’t be there for Jen and Kevin’s party… this sucks!
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Well a little while later Kevin came over because he had something and he wanted me to go over to my house to hang out with him. He got tired of waiting for me trying to post my blog and went to my house to wait. Jessi showed up… told me some stuff which isn’t going on here and left… then Kevin came over and I was like fuck it… whatever and I went back home… we hung out for a while… he *positive*… me… not so *positive* and then Pow-Pow showed up looking for something… My sister showed up as Kevin and Pow-Pow were leave and had a fit because “the house was filled with teenagers” and now all my friends have to pay $20 to get in the door or else they have to climb in my bedroom window…. even Kevin whom my sister likes. She was just mad because Pow-Pow was there and Pow-Pow was one of the … what was it 6 guys that my sister thinks Jessi is sleeping with… Mike, James, Justin, Kevin, Pow-Pow, Adam, Keith, some random black guy… wait that’s eight… well… my sister thinks Jessi is a slut and all the guys that like Jessi are losers and not allowed in her house and blah blah blah blah blah… which all comes down to… I can’t have any friends that are friends with Jessi too because my sister is a bitch and says so. So my party will go fine as long as my sister has to work… then it will be all ok… and if not… uh-oh… I’m in trouble!
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Wow I have been here way too long … I only have a few minuets to go see Mr. Michaud and see if I can take the chapter 6 test…25 minuets… I’m gonna go now… quick quick run run!

Justin… I’m sorry I’m jealous loser and you get mad at me for that.. I can’t help it that I get jealous… I loved you for so long and I feel like I’m losing your friendship too… I love you anyways… “*so, I love this boy. He’s my world. But he doesn’t care he’s off with some girl. she’s probably prettier than me; she’s probably nicer and smarter too. But no matter how great she is...She’ll never love him like I do. It’s not fair how she can just show up one day. I know I never had him, but it’s like she took him away. Doesn’t he get it? All I want to do is hear him say to me "I love you"

Kevin… “No CAMERA could ever capture the look in your eyes & the feeling in my heart when you look at me like that”…remember when I you wouldn’t let me take the picture of you… well I love you anyways.

Kyle - “He was the one person I could count on and trust with my life depended on him with everything. My best friend & now he’s gone. I miss you.” I’ll be with you soon!

Yeah... it's too late now to go anyways... I just had to add in little notes to my boys... my little quotes I found on the internet... I just had to so now I can't go make up that test... I'll have to do it tomarrow... this sucks... but I do have to go see Ms. Michaud after school... she says I can't make up the test any other day... the quarter ends on Friday I think... this sucks so bad!

Ok everyone... I didn't remember until today when she told me that Staurday is Jen's Birthday. Now it is also the same day we're having the taping for Kyle so everyone is already invited... the only thing is no one realized it was Jen's birthday so now I'm throwing her a sorta party like thing and everyone has to try to bring a present for her so she doesn't feel like all her Augusta friends have forgotten about her. OK so for everybody who doesn't know... Saturday November 5th is Jenyfer Clark's 15th birthday... if you are friends with her or with Kyle James Sanchez. I am leaving soon for Iowa and bringing the tape with me for Kyle so he can have something to remember all his friends and stuff and then I am thinking about a secound tape for Jen since its her birthday and all... or maybe we can just record more onto her old tape... yeah that will work.. I'll have her bring it down and stuff... that will be so cool...

12:20am.... Just got off the phone with Justin!

So... I'm still weirdly jealous that NaToni may get back with Justin... finally got to talk to Justin today by the way... I guess he didn't tell his roomates to blow me off yesterday... they did that all on their own... whatever... I had so much news to tell him... I love that kid... he's like the best... I hope he's ok... I hope he always stays safe and gets his life back together and becomes someone respected in society because we all know that's what he strives for - respect.

How's it been going with Kevin? You ask... well today I was crying laying in bed and Kev just comes in and stares at me crying and then I asked him for a hug and he said "Do I have to?"... No Kevin you don't have to... you don't have to be a good friend and know that all I need is a hug and a few words to come out of your mouth and I'd be ok... but I can't get anything even remotely sweet outta him... last night when I told him I loved him... I meant it more than any other time I've ever said it... I really and truly meant what I said and I realized that , that was me telling him I'm in love with him and he didn't even realize it... He even said he loved me back... not meaning it the same way I did but he still said it and that made me feel good...

And... have I heard from Kyle yet? you ask... well no... I haven't heard from Kyle yet... at least I don't have to worry about him being dead anymore... he did update his blog and stuff... wouldn't that have sucked if I spent $170 just to go down there for his funeral because he got hit by a car or something and no one had any way to let me know... ohgod now I'm thinking about Kyle dying again and I'm about to cry... grrr... earlier I was talking to Kevin and crying and I was like "I wish Kyle lived across the street" and Kevin was like "Well I'm sorry I'm not Kyle... that I can't make myself be Kyle" and I'm like "I'm sorry about that too" and he was like "fine then" and he was like trying to leave but I was like "I love you too, I just miss Kyle a real lot" Then Guido showed up and Kev ran out to the living room ahead of me and whispered something to Guido. When I went out there I asked Tim for a hug and Kevin was like "Oh... I so called it"... lol... Tim gave me and Kev some *positive* and then left... we smoked and I felt so much better....

3:10am - Just got off the phone with Kyle.... yay!
After I walked Kevin home at 10 I went to my mom's and got on the computer... started talking to NaToni who was talking to Justin on the phone... ended up calling Justin and talking to him for an hour. When he had to go at like midnight I got back online and soon after Kyle signed on... I freaked out... cause you know me... I do that... and he was at his friend Scottie's so I used up my other hour talking to Kyle on the phone... Ohmygosh... he told his friends about the stuff that happened between us this summer... and he told his girlfriend... I am gonna be so embarrassed when I get down there but... fuck it who cares I get to see my Ky-Ky... my bestest friend in the whole wide world! Guess what... ya know how I was trying to keep it a secret from Kyle about when exacally I will be leaving for Iowa... well... my stupid dumbass brother has already told him so for everyone who doesn't know... I'm leaving on Nov 10th... yes that's 4 days before Kevin's birthday... and yes... that does suck! But at least I know I will find a way to call Kevin on his birthday and I can make Kyle talk to him too... that way his two best friends will get to talk to him on his birthday... Kyle couldn't call Justin on his birthday and stuff but at least if I'm down there I know I will find a way to get Kyle and Kevin to talk on Kev's birthday. Anyways... I will be in Iowa at... what is it 5:15pm on the 12th... then I have to leave on the 25th so that I can be back on the 27th... so long of a bus ride.... but hey I'll deal. If I get to see my best friend and talk to him and hug him and everything that I need him so bad for... then... I will be fine... I can deal... I love Kyle too much to just not go down to see him... I love him too much to let him forget about me... I will never forget him no matter what because... like I say... he is what I am most thankful for... Kyle... Kevin... and Justin.... but Kyle most of all... which is why I must be with him for Thanksgiving.

Well I'm done... for now I guess... write more from school later today... I hope... if I can wake up for it in time...

Oh Justin I'm sorry I never write to you on here anymore... maybe if you left me a comment some time.... anyways I've been really busy making monies... I haven't been to school in a while (until today) and so I didn't have any time to update... I still check my myspace even more than my blog so... you should check that out... I'm gonna make you an account so I can load pics of up of you and then you can take over ok.. I already did it for Kevin and last night I started on Kyle's... it has like E-mail and stuff... anyways I love you and I'll try to call you tonight in between getting home from school and leaving for night school... I am so happy you got your phone hooked up I miss being able to talk to you and there's tons of things I've been meaning to tell you... like... well I don't know right now but I've missed you... Guess what... when you come down on the 4th, Jen and NaToni are coming down too and maybe Leola and Kiwi, Doug, Chris, Sean, Tasha, Micheala, Jessi and whoever else we invite are coming over all on Saturday so we can make a tape so I can give it to Kyle when I go down there.. I'm going soon ya know... I won't write the date on here because unlike Kyle I'm gonna really surprise him when I get down there... he won't have a clue but I'll tell you when I talk to you... Um... I love you lots and lots and lots... I don't have much else to say... work hard for your midterms... your smart you can do it. Toodles... lol... j/k .. luv you, **Tiffy**

Kyle - Yeah so... I'm coming soon... be suprised, be very surprised. And I come bearing gifts.... lol... I am really hungry for some reason... anyways I have much to tell you... I have stuff about Jen (almost again) Justin (false alarm) Jessi (she owes me and underware - think about that) Kevin (dreams)... and yeah... Leola (BF) Tasha... everyone... I have so much to say and I have a 120 minet phone card which I am going to call Justin with today after school but I wont use it all so you should call and then I can call back with the hassles of borrowing someone's cell and the battery dying and stuff... Anyways.. I can't wait to see you. I love you Forever and ever and ever and ever!

Um... other than that... I been working a lot... and smoking a lot too... I go to see Kyle soon.. I can't wait... but I am scared of getting lost on my way down... really scared actually... like I got sick thinking about the bus ride the other day... I don't know... I'll probably be ok and stuff... Kyle does it all the time.... well... I'm gonna check my myspace now....

what's up?

"And Tiff im glad my last post made you so happy... Its a wonder that you act so suprised when you find out that your my best friend and i love you. Shit ive been telling you that for 2 years. But tiff we are gonna live together all of us and you know what the best part about it is. The state is gonna pay for it all.. muahahahaha. Fuck the state! ok sorry anyways keep it real and try to get those songs. peace out." Lol... he's such a liar.. he hasn't been telling me that for two years... it's been maybe 2 months if that. Before he would say I was his best friend one day and hate me the next and call me names and I don't know... but other bad things that showed I was not his best friend and he did not love me and now he does and that does make me feel happy. As long as Justin, Kyle, and Kevin love me I'm happy... if a certain one of them found out something about me that made them hate me... I would so seriously kill myself... but since they all know pretty much everything about me... I'm happy...
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Gonna see Kyle in 25 days.... yay yay yay! I so cannot wait... well that's only if he calls me soon... Damn! I haven't talked to him in 12 days and I can barely stand it.... grrrr... my phone is messed up so it might not be that he hasn't tried but that he couldn't get through.
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Darn... phones suck ass sometimes.... a while back Kyle and me would talk on the phone for hours upon hours because he had a cell phone that had free incoming calls and it was bought in Maine, in Augusta so it wasn't long distance even though he was in Iowa... but then my phone got shut off... and then my phone got turned back on and his cell phone got shut off... and then I would call his cousin Josh's (who is so totally cool by the way) and talk to Kyle from my mom's cell phone... but then Josh's number got disconnected too and soon after that my mom's cell got turned off so me and Kyle didn't talk for an entire month before he came back to Maine... he called once (his mom made him) to tell me he was coming like the day he left... then I had 30 days to talk to him basically whenever I need to.... except when he went to stay at Cathie's with Kevin for like 2 days... and then he had to leave and go back to Iowa... and I cried for 3 days straight... until he called me to tell me he was home and safe... I even cried in front of Karma and Newcomb and I made Kevin stay with me every night for over a week because between Kyle, Jen, and Leola a few times I hadn't slept alone in... i don't know... two weeks before Kyle left... I was so used to always having someone there and I got scared being alone for a while... I mean... it was a new apartment and... I don't know... Kyle was just always there and then he all of a sudden just dissapeered... *tears*... but... even though phones suck lol... I get to go see Kyle soon no matter what... basically what I need to ask Kyle is to have him ask if I could stay a little longer than I thought I was gonna... I mean... I don't want to spend like $150 just to stay with him for a week... so I wanna spend two weeks... hopefully and if I can't then... I don't know... I sleep on the sidewalk as long as I get to see him...
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I have $340 saved up so far... Justin said he has close to $500 when he went down to Iowa with Elena... but he also said he ate Chinece all the time and was "living large" for a while there... well I'm not gonna be stupid and just waste all my money... I know how to budget and stuff... all I will need to buy is like food.. I "bought" little travel sized shampoo and conditioner and deoderant and toothpaste and... well all kinds of things for when I'm down there.... and things should be like super expensive or anything... it's not like I'm going to California or New York for vacation... it's Iowa!
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Wow the library is like really cold... air conditioner...
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I hate not being able to use the computer at my mom's house... I need to download some songs bad...
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Ok... here's my notes:
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Justin - I love you... you are the "bomb"
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Kyle - 557-1449 call it if you can't get through on my home phone... it's Matt's cell... I love you!
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Kevin - um... I was writing something but deemed it unapproproate for the net... something along the lines of "***** **** ** ***** please"... anyways... I love you lots and lots too!
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Jenyfer - sorry you've been so sick... even sorryer (is that even a word?- that can't be how it's spelled if it is) I heard about it by third party information... I miss being able to talk to you and not have to hear about you from everybody else and their brother lol... get it... Justin and Kevin... brothers... not that you'll read this anyways but I love you.
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Jessi - yeah I agreed, it doesn't matter... I still think you're a totally cool person... I just... I didn't really want you living with us anyways... I don't want any of my friends to live with me.... not for a very, very long time... visiting is like... ok... but I am one of those types of people who gets sick of seeing the same people every single day.... unless that person is Kyle... him I could live with... I mean... I get sick of Kevin all the time... and I use to get sick of Justin all the time... (I better get my own sectional boy, lol) Leola, Jen, Kiwi, Angelina, Ashley, Lisa, Amanda, Brett, Nick... I get sick of everyone eventually. It's not just you... but the fact that my family all decided they liked you more than me... that they were trying to replace me... don't tell me that wouldn't make you hurt inside? Wow I wrote more to you than I have to anyone else... hell everyone else put together... how odd... yeah so.... yep... that's it.
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Nick - ha I did read your blog and I did comment so hahahahaha
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um... I love my myspace site... people should all definatly sign up... but not Kyle and Justin... at least not yet... let me sign up for you so that I can load up pics of you boys and then I will hand them over to you and you can do whatever you want with them...
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brr my hands are seriously like really cold from typing and stuff... plus I have to go pee... not that that's anyone's buisness... I don't want to lose my computer and the librarians will kick me off in like 10 minets anyways... so... ttyl... love ya all

I LOVE JUSTIN DAVID TILKINS!!! (BFF)

"tiffy i love you i just want to let you know that and when im 18 were gonna live together like a happy family and maybe if i dont kick you out by then :) kyle will live with us and kevin and jen if she wants.. and thats it though. maybe with a couple exceptions being anyone with money to put up :). But untill that day tiff your my best friend.. right up there with.. lol well your in a catagory of your own. ill talk to you later. to all my homies keep it real peace out." - Ohmygod he made me cry... I think that's the sweetest thing he's ever wrote or even said about me or to me... I hope I get to see him this weekend... I just want to grab him and hug him and let him know that I now realize that this is how it always should have been.... I never should have fallen in love with him... it's so much better being his friend.... even if he is a good kisser (now)... I mean... (don't worry Justin no one reads this except you and Kyle) I never kissed Justin lol....
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Justin your the best (the bomb! lol) I love you so much!!!!
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Kyle.... call me... I need to talk to you soon it's important. If I don't get to talk to you soon I won't be able to get time off from work to go see you... I need to know what day I should leave and I have to talk it over with you and stuff... I love you!
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Anyways Justin made my eyes tear up so I just wanted to post that... oh yeah... you can find that on his website... he's so great sometimes.... maybe because of that comment I won't cry myself to sleep tonight...
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you know whats funny... I'm actually starting to feel better... I get to go see Kyle soon and Justin and Kevin are both telling me they love me... even if I know their still both assholes.... it's nice that I'm their best friend and that they love me... and I've always known that Kyle loves me... so yeah... I guess right now I'm having an ok time instead of being depressed...
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Oh everybody guess what... I got to see my girlfriend Thursday.... she was suppose to sleep over soon and it was suppose to be a surprize for Justin and Kevin but since she can't... my sister's being dumb saying I have to pay her to have my friends sleep over ans also the fact that we're getting evicted so I might not even have a place to live soon... yeah...well that's kinda depressing... but Justin, Kevin and Kyle love me so... I'm still in a good mood... Justin totally lifted my spirts.... *sighs*... Well... I keep jumping every time my mom's bedroom door opens thinking that Matt is gonna come out here and catch me on the computer so I best be going before I get in trouble because god knows I'm not allowed to touch the computer... I might break it even though I'm the only one who knows anything about computers... but... right... I'm happy.... um... so I'm done... gonna check my myspace real quick and then get home...
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everybody who reads this should sign up for myspace... it's like better than blogger because you can upload a ton of pictures and subscribe to other peoples journals and there's e-mail.... and it work from school... like it's not blocked or anything... me and Kevin and Angelina and Monica and NaToni all have them... plus a lot of people I know from school have myspace... lots of people have Xanga or Livejournal too but myspace is the best so far that I've found... so yeah... especially Justin and Kyle.... sign up for Myspace and I will love you both forever and a day...
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Ok... I'm... Done...

save me

why can't anyone save me?

why doesn't anyone even want to try?

why do I have to sit here and be yelled at for doing my homework?

how not right is that?

should I not have gone to work?

I don't understand... I never will...

why isn't anything in my life simple?

why does it seem like everyone hates me?

why is everything I love always being taken away from me?

why can't I be loved?

why can't someone fall in love with me and let me be the one to make them happy?

I just want to make people happy and I never seem to do the right thing ever.... all I can do right is cry and that's not some sort of marketable skill.... I'll never be anything... I'll never have anyone... no one will ever love me because I am a failure and fuck things up beyond recognition most of the time... I lie and I cheat and I steal and I'm just an all around horrible person... and I'm even worse on the inside.... inside my head is so filled will guilt I feel like I'll burst.... I hate so many people and things.... I just want to die and get it over with most days... hell that's how I feel every day... like I'm trapped inside my head with no way out... no one to help me... no one who cares enough about me to even try to help me... god I hate myself and my life and... well... everything...


um... I love you (you know who you are) please call me... (again you know who you are, I need you)

Quotes

*No CAMERA could ever capture the
Look in your eyes
&& the feeling in my heart
When you look at me like that.. (Kevin)

*cross my heart hope to die
swear I wont say what happened that night
starting today things are going to be alright
the best you tried, yea you did fine
no better then fine, perfect in my mind
in fact i wish your heart was mine

*so, I love this boy. he`s my world. but he doesn`t care
he`s off with some girl. she`s probably prettier than me;
she`s probably nicer and smarter too. but no matter how
great she is ..she`ll never love him like I do. it`s not fair
how she can just show up one day. I know I never had him,
but it`s like she took him away. doesn`t he get it? all I want
to do is hear him say to me "i love you" << again.. i think im gonna cry..


* He was the one person i could count on and trust with my life depended on him with everything..My best friend && now hes gone..I miss you. (Kyle)


*dear heart,
sorry for the pain. sorry for the emptiness,
the sadness, the being torn-in-two. i want to
say it's all his fault, but i can't. it's mine too.


*The only boy who ever gave me the time was the one who only wanted five minutes of mine.

update from Lithgow

Just a really quick update because I'm at the library and my computer time is almost up.... Justin had his weekend visit and it was very eventful... Friday I saw him for a couple hours then I had to go to work. By the time I got out of work Justin and Kevin were already asleep. Saturday Justin woke me up in the morning... that was a nice way to wake up... I missed him... Anyways, we talked a little about some stuff *wink wink* Kyle you know. Anyways it was loads of fun having him back. Jen came up for the day and we all ended up walking to McDonalds and Jessi got $20 out of it but spent it all already... Saturday night.... uh... *positive* don't remember much... um... Sunday I got up and went into work... late around 9... I was suppose to open and I went in half an hour late Grrr... I'm an ideot. Anyways I got out at 2 and my mom was a bitch and left me there for 45 minets before I started to walk.... I was so upset because Justin was leaving that day and I wanted to try to see him before he left... mom found me on state street almost to my sister and Jerry old apartment... I got home and took a shower... um.. went to my moms for a bit because Justin was out somewhere with Jessi... um...went walking up the street as Kevin, Justin, and Jessi were waling down... i think.. something like that. Anyways I walked up the street and Justin fallowed me and we talked a little... about me moving to Iowa mostly... I wanna give my notice and just leave for Iowa today but it's not possible. He told me that if I go live with Kyle in Iowa then I'll miss him and Kevin and Jen and Jessi and everyone else here but... I told him, nothing else really matters except Kyle... Justin means a lot to me (I love you Justin, you know that) but... Its like... I could live without him... without Kyle here... I find it hard to roll out of bed, even in the middle of the afternoon... because when I sleep everything is so perfect... I'm with Kyle having fun... usually Justin and Kevin are there too but... I don't know... Kyle just means so much to me. Oh well I gotta go... after we went back to the house I got upset cause I missed Kyle and I cried a lot and yelled at Kevin, Jsutin, and Jessi for hanging out in my living room with the furniture. I think it was rude of them to hang out in my house if they''re not hanging out with me... rude and weird but whatever. I missed Justins leaving because I was crying... I called him later and talked it out and I worked everythingout with Jessi and Kevin too and found out some interesting news that... Kyle I will tell ya next time I talk to you... jessi said it's ok. Well I gotta go for reals now bye.