Big update

January 29th 2006
Ok... so I was going through my unmarked data disks to see whats on them and one had only two blog entries on it so I started reading the first one and my eyes teared up... this: "I do know what love is... love is when someone is always there for you and your always there for them and you want to always be there for them forever... when you can't imagine being able to breathe without that person... when you cry when your not with them... when they are your entire world... when your near them it's like no one else is in the room.... when you look at them and find them so unbelieveably attractive and brilliant and just everything you've ever wanted... when you want to be with that person forever and can't imagine your life without them... that's love... when you'd give up everything just to be with that person for 10 more minets... when you look in that person's eyes and want to do anything for them... when... well in my case... when your sleeping with someone else and all you see is the person your in love with... you think about how he held you in his arms and told you he loved you and kissed you and you felt it go through every inch of your body and he makes you feel so special.. like you're the only one he wants... like he couldn't possibly want someone else even though you know in the back of your head that he does.... when he makes you feel loved and confident and so happy... that's Kevin to me... he makes me feel so amazing... no one else has ever made me feel like that in my entire life... I know he's not always the niceset guy to me but the way he makes me feel just makes up for anything he could ever do to hurt me... nobody is perfect and I love his flaws... I love him!" and this: " Lee and Jen... I will see but they still moved away... they aren't here for me everyday like I need someone to be... I need someone... and I don't want to get attached to anyone new because it will hurt to much if they leave me too... no more attachment... no more feelings... I love who I love and I don't want to love anyone else... Justin, Kevin, and Kyle are my life... they are... I admit that... everyone can see it... I can't deny how much they mean to me.... why would I want to? I love them... my mom says it's good that Kevin is leaving... then I can focuse on myself... but does anyone stop to think... maybe that's why I push all my focus onto other people? Because I hate myself and I don't want to focus on myself and my own problems... I just want to be with Kevin and Justin and Kyle... I want to be happy and with them... If we're ever together again... I promise I won't take the time for granted... I'm just stupid and selfish and god I hate myself... I hate how I always feel like I've wasted time... I always try to make the most of my time with Kevin... I've been trying... the whole Kyle leaving me thing really hit me hard on the wasting precious time thing...." made my eyes tear up... sometimes I have some deep thoughts huh?

And then this about Kyle... "Kyle is special because he protects me and would never think badly of me and that makes him special... because he loves me enough to know that I make mistakes like everyone else and I need to be forgiven... he doesn't rub all my faults in my face and make me feel like shit because I do something wrong... that's why he's special... because I love him and he loves me and we're best friends who can tell each other everything without worring about what the other will think about us because we love each other regaurdless."

God I love that kid... Kyle... he's the bestest best friend a girl could ask for sometimes.... I miss him so much... I haven't talked to him in 4 days now... it's horrible... I miss him like crazy.... but I guess that's what I get for falling asleep at like 9 every night and waking up 7 or 8 in the morning... I'm finally on a normal schedule when I don't even need to be... this sucks... everybody sleeps when I'm awake and I'm asleep when people call me... I had 3 missed calls when I woke up... all different people... the night before I had four missed calls... all after like 9:30pm... and the other day I was at the library and my phone was on silent and I got 4 missed calls... in just an hour at the library with my phone on silent... Justin even called me and I can't call him back because he calls with phone cards so the right number doesn't come up... he called yesterday while I was at Wendy's and the phone was on vibrate.. I never realize the damn thing vibrating... grr.... I miss Justin too... and of course I miss Kevin... the other day he admited to missing me... hehe... , .


February 3rd 2006
Guess what... I'm typing this from my computer in my room and guess who's here..... Justin and Kevin.... this is crazy.... Wensday Mom, Cullen, and me went to the TNAF office and Walmart... I pulled all the blackness off Kevin's hoodie and my mom was like "JNCO hoodies cost a lot of money why would you do that?" and I'm like "because Kevin gave it to me and he was already pulling the stuff off. Plus his grandmother bought it for him and he hates her anyways" and my mom asked why he hated her and I explained about the little kids and my mom was all saying that Rose signed the kids over and blah blah blah... well yeah Rose did sign the papers over but it was only suppose to be for six months or something like that and we kept talking about Kevin's family and stuff till we got home. Then... as I was walking to my house I looked over to the boys old house and felt sad... like esspecially sad and decided I was gonna call Kevin just for a couple minets so I could tell him I missed him and loved him. So I go inside and I went to my room and was gonna call and Russell comes into the kitchen and tells me that Rose and Kevin were here and I missed them. I immediatly went into shock and almost started crying until Russell told me Kevin was actually in the other room. I went in there and felt like I had a heart attack almost. I definatly went into shock again. I couldn't talk for a good 20 minets. It was so freaky that he would show up when I had thought and talked about him all day.

February 4th 2006
To anyone who reads this and thinks they're my friends... well... your wrong... I have no friends.... Im giving up on everyone.... I gave up on Kevin today and I'm giving up on Kyle too everyone knows that he was my everything.... Kyle is my everything and I'm giving up.... I call him up bawling my eyes out and he'd rather get stonded.... he always would rather get high... when did drugs become more important then your friends Kyle? Tell me.... because I would never have done that to you.... EVER! And Kevin.... I'm just so done with him making me feel like shit... I know I've said it before and I keep going back but I am so fucking done! I do everything for him... I gave him everything I could.... I did anything he wanted me too and he still treats me like I'm nothing... makes me feel worthless and suisidal and.... and it's worse then anything Justin could have done to me because me and Kevin connected in so many ways that me and Justin didn't... and there's something special I had with Kevin and... it's all for the best I guess... I did need to get over him too... I mean... he got me over Justin... maybe I can forse myself to get over him too... I used to tell myself I didn't love Kevin over and over... that I didn't even like him... and now what's happened? Now I'm in love with him...

February 9th 2006
Becca showed up drunk that night that I was suisidal... she was drunk off fire water... yeah.... so I had to take care of her... but then Justin called me so I was outta here and off to aunti Kim's for a couple days... I left on Saturday and came home Monday to shower and change... then I went back to Kim's till today (Thursday) when I came home to shower and change again. Yesterday Jen showed up... her and Justin are getting close to the dating stage I think.... I seriously hope they do start dating... they deserve to be happy. It would get Justin over Jessi and Jen over Kevin and ... yeah... they would be good together... at least in my opinion. Anyways... yesterday Jen showed up at Aunti Kim's with Jessi so that jessi could get her stuff. Jessi is going to Conneticut for a little while so Ammi took Jess to get her bus ticket and her state ID. Jen got me a stuffed key chain and a necklace for Valentine's day and I got her a rose that I could record a message on... it was pretty cool... too bad she's already messed up my messsage to her. Yeah...so... when we got back from Rite Aid (where I got her present) we hung out in the bedroom at Kim's and Jen and Justin kept flirting and kissing and stuff and Justin kept shooting me these dirty looks like "get out of here" looks... but everytime I tried to leave Jen wouldn't let me... and then when she left Justin acted mad at me... I went to night school and felt better somewhat... I called Jen on my walk back to Kim's from Cony... the minet I walked in the door Jen needed to talk to Justin but he was reading his tarot cards (they told him to be nicer to me) so she had to talk to me some more but all we talked about was "Is Justin done yet?" over and over until he was done and I gave him the phone. Jen and Jessi talked to Justin until I was like "When can I have my phone back?" I got my phone back like 5 minets after that and then Jen was like "Jessi talked to him. Can I talk to Justin now?" and I was like sure and threw the phone back to him until it died so I had to plug it in... the damn thing was so dead it wouldn't even turn on... he got on the phone with Jen again just as soon as it turned on. While he was on the phone with her I left to go for a walk and cry. I went to the store to try to buy cigerettes but they wouldn't sell me any cause I lost my ID and they didn't believe I was 19. I got back and sat down to watch dirty dancing with Kim and Justin... but then Josh called me so I talked to him for about half and hour... Justin was playing PSO when I got off the phone so I went in the room to be alone and I started to write in my diary but then he came in to go to sleep so I went into the bathroom, sat in the tub and started crying... then the phone rang... it was Kyle... I told Justin to push the 5 button (Kyle is speed dial #5, Kev =2, Tori =3, Kayla & Josh =4) so Justin called him back while I went back in the bathroom and cried some more... Kyle wanted to talk to me I guess so I got up and talked to him... he asked me what was wrong and I said nothing so he asked me why I was crying and I said same reason I always cry and he was like but what overall and I was like nothing it was just everything and he was like is it Justin or Kevin and I was like no and he was like "swear on my life" and I was like "I wouldn't even swear my name is Tiffany on your life" Blah blah blah and Kyle made me feel better... I still didn't tell him what was wrong though.... I tried to tell him last weekend and he wouldn't listen so I'm not telling him anything for a while... especially not my innermost feelings.
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And for anyone who doesn't know why I gave up on Kevin's dumb ass... it was because he promised me if I did something for him and Justin (that I am really against by the way) then he would do something for me. He told me he would say he loved me into my phone like all my other friends.... and he fucked it up by saying "I love you, now go away"... it pissed me off and stuff... but now the library is closing so I must go... I put up some new pics so check those out and leave me a comment or something... love you all.... and I changed my mind about giving up on all my friend... it's not everyone's fault that Kevin is an asshole and it's not everyone's fault that Kyle likes drugs more then he likes me.... so byes