feb 10th 2006

I talked to Kyle last night for like 3 hours... we talk about some weird shit... oh and can you believe that Justin didn't know that Kyle was suppose to be twins???? I was like "Why did you think the kid has four nipples???" When I told Kyle about that he was like "Well, you do probably know the most about me" I was like "That's cool" becuase he probably... no... I know that boy knows the most about me out of any of my friends.... he's like... the one I tell my stupid stuff to... I wouldn't tell Justin or Kevin because I love them... or well... I love Kyle too of course... but I'm still hesitant to tell Justin the weird shit even though I haven't been in love with him for a long while... since June 26th 2005 to be exact. That's the day I fell in love with Kevin instead...It's some weird shit how everything turned out... Everything I thought I wanted was in Travis... and yet I didn't fall in love with him... I fell for the stoner/alcoholic from across the street who recently decided not be a stoner anymore.... I was in love for 2 years and 3 months until I fell in love with his little brother... I am so fucked up... what the hell is wrong with me???... How did I do that????... Not only that but I thought I was falling in love with the little brother's girlfriend for 3 days short of a year... life is so weird... I feel like my life would make the greatest fucking drama filled movie ever... there's drugs, alchol, pre-marital unprotected teen sex.... I mean there's perfect girls and slutty girls and preppy girls and gothic girls, abortions, children, run-ins with the law, shoplifting, lesbians, homosexuals, raving, partying, near-death experences,parents and grandparents, rebeling, hot guys, geeky guys, smart guys, dumb guys, medicated drug addicts, guys who wear makeup, weird guys, egotistical guys, phycotic boys, boys who just dont give a fuck about anything but their dicks... I mean.... there's someone for everyone to relate too. So much drama.... a movie wouldn't be enough to explain my life... I'm sure everybody must have fucked up television worthy moments... but... mine would be like Sex in The City. I have been through so much stuff... and my life has Dawson's Creek, The OC, One Tree Hill, the movie Thirteen, it has all the elements of my favorite television show... this people is why I don't watch television to escape anymore... I can watch my own fucked up reality show... Ok.... wanna know what's going through my fucked up head right now.... I'm hurting and I wanna call Kyle actually.

It's weird because even though I think I'm completely over Justin... like I am so in love with Kevin... but it's hurting me... the thought of Justin and Jen getting together... I mean I have been saying forever that they would make the perfect couple... I've basically put them together... but it's weird cause there's that jealousy thing kicking in once again. Why am I even thinking like this???... I'm suppose to be over him... and she's perfect for him... but then again this is the one girl I've ever questioned about... wether I can possibly fall in love with someone of the same sex... she's the one and only girl I've thought about doing the actual stuff with... I know why everyone likes her... everyone falls in love with her... I understand Jen's appeal... unlike Jessi's appeal... which I don't understand at all... I mean Jess is hott and stuff but... yeah... Jen... is like... so... WOW and stuff... so I understand it... and it's so weird... Grrrrrr I am suppose to be over him... and I'm definatly not suppose to be in love with her... I may have thought I was for a little while but I've come to the conclusion that I'm not. It's so fucked up and confusing and shit.. I wish I could just hit myself in the head and pretend I didn't exist sometimes.

Feb 16th 2006
Sometimes I wish I could just fall asleep and never wake up.... this isn't me being suisidal... it's more than that... I just want to stop all the confusion, the fear, the pain that I have on the inside... I was laying in bed thinking... just thinking about my whole Kevin Vs Justin thing in my head... and... I don't know what I want... neither one of them wants me... so I shouldn't have such a hard decision to make... it's not like I'm Jen and I'm choosing which one I want for a boyfriend... it's just me... being confused, fucked up really... because what difference does it make?... If I love Kevin... then ok... why do I love him... because I thought we had something, I thought he felt something too... I thought he was the first boy to ever really like me... and I did think he liked me... in some way... or else what happened shouldn't have happened.... I mean... I know we weren't suppose to have feelings for each other from the beginning... maybe he just thought of me as a safe way to get what he wanted sexually... I mean... I was in love with his fucking brother... had been for 2 years practically when all this shit started... I shouldn't have let my feelings slide so much... maybe he thought that I loved Justin so he could mess around with me and it wouldn't hurt me... because that's how it was at first... I told myself... I don't have feelings for Kevin, I still love Justin, I'm just sexually frustrated and Kevin wants me right now so who am I to tell him no... I wanted it just as much as he did... it was all for fun... it wasn't suppose to mean anything... but then my head got all weird and I started thinking about him all the time and talking about him all the time... I found myself staring at him at random moments and finding him so... attractive... I don't know how it happened but it did... and eventually... after he told me he loved me... I decided... I love'd him... but did I really fall in love with him or did I just tell myself I did... because when I was hanging out with Justin this past week I started having all these weird thoughts about him again... like laying in bed and just wanting to lean in and kiss him... I wanted to kiss him.... do you know how bad it hurt to know I couldn't even chance it... because if I kissed him... it would give him back the power over me that I finally got him to believe he no longer had. I can't give him that type of power over me again... it'll hurt so bad when he decides to use it.
Ok... so now I'm thinking about Kevin again.... he has so much sex appeal... everytime I see him I want to push him on the bed and ... yeah... so maybe all I feel for him is lust... which is what I thought in the beginning... but then I thought it was more than lust... but now I'm not sure... god I'm so confused... what is the point???... I will never be happy. I wish I were full-on lesbian... then I would know who I want to be with... I wouldn't have to deal with all these guy issues. I'm missing Kevin so now I'm watching Swimfan... god this movie reminds me of us... it's so crazy. But yeah back to what I was saying. Guys suck... I suck... my fucked up mind sucks,,,, I don't know what I want and no one wants me... am I destined to be alone forever???? Like... ok how do I explain this??? With Kevin... I like being secretive... I like having to run off and hide to makeout... I like to just lay with him and not talk... I always feel like I should be talking, so I usually do... but when he's just holding me and we're not talking and I can feel every breathe he takes and hear every heartbeat... that's when I love him... I know I love him... I love everything about him... the way his body feels when he's hugging me, the way he makes me feel when he's touching me... just... I feel like it's love then... I don't know. And then when I'm around Justin and we're laughing and fooling around all those familiar feelings rush back... and when I'm laying in bed with him... I feel safe. I know Justin can protect me... I always loved that about him. Justin just... he has so many problems and I was so determined to love him throughout anything... and yet... I thought I was over him... goddamnit! Grrrrrrrrrrr.... I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH!!!!!

Feb 26th 2006
Jenyfer - I'm sorry I was in such a bad mood right before you left... I don't know what happened but I started getting all theses images in my head and it hurt and I don't really wanna explain it all right now but I couldn't help it... I just felt.... bad... I can't explain it in any other way... I just felt shitty, worthless, stupid, ugly, fat, and like nobody cared... I get that way sometimes... exspeccially when I'm around the people I really care about like you. Right before Kyle left over summer we were fighting... it always happens... when someone's about to leave me my head fills with all these unsaid hurts and overwelhelms me... I think to myself "What if I never say these things I'm meaning to say", "what if he/she never finds out how I really feel" it scares me to know I still have a lot to say and I may never say it to them.... like when one of the boys hangs up on me, or leaves mad at me... I don't know why I do it to myself... I get all moody before someone leaves me so they're mad when they leave... I'm such a better friend over the phone... without the possiblity of them leaving me... I don't know I'm so confused and scared about everything... wow... this ain't even to Jen anymore.. it's just me rambling on about my problems again. Anyways Jen... I'm sorry I was feeling fucked up and depressed and took it out on you somewhat... I wasn't really mad at you, I was mad at myself, and I was just so sad... have you ever been so sad you just didn't want to move? Like the energy to move was too much for you? Well that's how depressed I was the other night... I wanted to take a bunch of sleeping pills and go to sleep forever... and I know it hurts you to hear me talk like this but would you rather I lied to you because I know how much you love me lying to you about stuff... I'm just so scared to lose you that I'm pushing you away... and this is how I know I've fallen in love with you too because I don't get that way with normal friends... only Justin, Kevin, Kyle, and you now.... I may not be in love with Kyle but he is my best friend and he means more to me than anything in the world so I have the same feelings for him and... is this making sence... well it does to me at least... So I get all weird and stuff because I think I've fallen in love with you... I love you...

Kevin - I just wanted to write, even knowing you'll never read this, to let you know I still think about you. Even though I have given up all hopes of you ever really caring about me I can't help but still love you for everything you are and everything you did for me. I sitll love you in so many ways. I can't wait to be able to move on and get over you.. at least get over you enough to match your brother. See I'm over him... I think I can live my day to day life without him but I still love him... I thought I didn't because I was so head over heels for you for awhile but... I know now that I still love him... a part of me will always love him and long to be with him, but I know I have given up my right to be with him someday and I have accepted that. I might not always like it but I can accept it and still love him reguardless.

Justin - Yeah so... if there's anyway you read that then... yeah.... I guess I do still love you.. I realized it when we stayed at Kim's together... I can't help it... but know that our friendship means so much to me and I don't want anything to change between us. I want us to stay just as good friends as we are now... I still wanna be able to tell you anything like I pretty much can now. It's just... being around you again made me realize how much I missed you and love you... I miss the days when we were always together. Everyone always says it's not true love if you get over the person and I used to say that was a lie I knew I loved you and I thought I was over you when I fell for your brother but I'm not totally over you and I never will be able to completely move on because you are this huge chunk of my life. You consume some of my best memories and one of my most memorable kisses (Christmas Eve-eve). You will always be the one I think I loved deepest... I mean.... 3 years soon... in 7 days I will have loved you for 3 years... that is a long time... March 5th Justin... 2003... the day I fell in love with the boy next door and my life changed forever. I love you Justin... you're like my best friend.

Kyle - hey hunny... so much shit has been happening and I've wanted to talk to you about everything for so long but it seems like we never really get much of a chance to talk... the other night you made me cry... I love you so much and it hurts to know you're hurting. I really hope everything works out and that someday soon we will be together again. I miss you beyond crazy. Sometimes I just wanna look into your eyes and tell you everything on my mind but I know I can't because you're so far away... I look at pictures and I can call to hear your voice but... it's just not the same as being held in your arms when I'm crying and your soothing voice telling me I'll be ok... I need you to tell me it'll be ok. When my life is fucked up in so many ways it's you I need to comfort me and make me feel better. Other people like Jen and Justin and everyone can help a little... but no one can put everything in perspective like you can... no one can make me believe every word they say like you can... I'm so weird... just know that I love you sooooo soooo soooo much!



Febuary 28th 2006
Only 95 days till I leave for Iowa lol.... and 5 more days till it's been 3 years of Justin obsession.... I wonder if I should call him on that day.... I really miss him... I haven't talked to him in a week now... it's been even longer since I've talked to Kevin... since he left for Houlten I haven't said one word to him... he said "Goodbye Tiffy" to me but I didn't even say that much back... I am still just so mad at him for what he did... I love him, yes but I can't just forgive him for what he's done that easily... he really hurt my feelings and made me feel used... not that I don't always feel that way around him but still.... well I gotta go post pics and lyrics and all kinds of shit... so maybe I will write more tomarrow.