KD & JD & BB & ASP & me alone!

BB is here and I am soooo high!!! KD I guess doesn't smoke out of a bowl or as JD says "the can." I'm jealous of all of his girlfriends. I can't remember to write, and the stuff I am remembering to write when I do is stuff I can't really put online.Stuff that he's testing me on to see if I tell anyone. I can't tell anyone I know much less, strangers. I'm sure he doesn't want strangers knowing all his business. But he got mad at me for telling a secret earlier this week even though it wasn't me who told. He said he never was gonna trust me again and he said "good-bye forever" this one time I went over this week. I thought he hated me and was never gonna talk to me again ever and I got so depressed I cut myself again. The first time I did it in a long time was last week when he started dating CP. So I cut myself, then he got mad at me so I made the first one deeper. Then he called me ugly and told me he was dating KD but gonna cheat on her with ASP and this was my test to see if I'm trustworthy. And I haven't told anyone. BB did tell KD what she saw but not me. Anyways I had a really nice and sharp knife but Kyle was over tonight and he took it so I wouldn't hurt myself anymore. Today I was walking KD and BB(Since they're both my friends) and he comes walking up the hill with ASP, who wasn't his gf at the time. Jeez doesn't he know he's gonna get caught and told on and he'll never get any girls. But I think he just wants to see which one will put out first before he chooses between them. I say KD sleeps with him first to keep him longer since she's young but so is ASP so I don't know.... BB thinks ASP will do it first. hmm.... w/e after they do whichever one does I won't talk to them after cause both of them know how much I love him. I just wish I could be the only girl he wanted and he would never even think of cheating on me or I'd fucking kill that fucker. In a prfect world I would be skinny, daing my bestfriend, and happy. Instead I'm fat, I have no boyfriend, and I'm suisidal. I hate this world it sux! I wish he loved me. That would be nice. I wish never fought and we could be happy together forever. I love him so much! So much and he just doesn't care. He doesn't care that he makes me want to hurt myself or that he knows (I think) I can't believe him. See he's my bestfriend but he was never tested on how he'd act around me when I'm depressed or anything because I was always happy around him. Just being near him makes me feel good. Or it used to. Now I feel like I'm gonna throw up becuse all I can think about is, he's mad at me/how do I make it better/ can I make it better? I love him and I just want him to love me. That will never happen and I'll be glad if he will even talk to me. Anyways I never got to test him on being a good best friend in a crisis and this is my first crisis really since he became my best friend. And it's because he's mad at me so I can't really go to him for help ya know. So I went to Kyle my secound bst friend. love Kyle but I wish the guy would give me back my knife. It was good and sharp. W/E I'll find a new one. Well I am getting tired now. My high must be wearing thin. Nigty-night.