OMG SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED

So Bobby started fucking my best friend behind my back.... they both lied to me over and over again... what makes it even worse is she was dating Nick.... yupp that's right... Nick "best" friend.... some friend huh? Bobby's a fucking asshole and he gets mad at me if I get mad at him... I'm not allowed to have feeling about anything around him.... that's why I need to move on... He's a piece of shit asshole and I gotta remember that!

I hate him so much!

Why the fuck does he do this to me??? why won't he just leave???? I know I should have jumped last night.... I had every oppurtunity and my pussy ass couldn't do it... I fucking hate myself for letting him make me feel this way but the tears keep falling and my heart keeps hurting and I dont know how to make it stop! It's never gonna stop.... ever! It's so hard to breathe and hold back the tears so everyone doesnt notice what a basketcase I am.... but I dont think I can hide it anymore... I'm so fucked in the head I really just want to make it all stop but I can't... I dont know what I'm gonna do..... I'm so alone and I'm always gonna be alone and there's nothing I can do about it! I WANNA FUCKING DIE!


I seriously should have killed myself long ago.... then I wouldn't be here letting it get worse and worse.... gawd damn I'm a retard.... I can't stand my hideous self anymore....

Sometimes I Really Dont Know Anymore....

I really don't.... I mean obviously I love the guy.... I just dont think I can stand him sometimes.... even when he's being nice to me... it still hurts like hell.... he'll never be mine.... no matter what I do... no matter how much I give... he'll just keep taking and taking and treating me like shit.... until there's nothing left and I'm heartless.... with nothing but my scars for comfort....


I just love him so much.... I hate my life!

Messages that explain a lot.... *some edits*

My moms got evicted and we couldnt find a place in time so we put everything into a storage shed and she went to live with a friend in windsor with Sam and her friends 3 kids.... then nick went to stay with a guy he knows from work.... leaving me the only one without somewhere to go.... it sux... and yea so i started dating him figuring I can be myself completely because if he turns me down its not like bobby where i'll be all heartbroken and shit... but i dont know... hes already buggin... when we got high last night he got all retarded and I'm kinda a smart high person I like to chill and think about shit and all he could think about was kitties... i was like... wut? and like I dont know... ok... ya know like... how when you get into a new relationship you just wanna kiss them all the time... well... he'd rather play video games then kiss me... and like... I dont care what happens between us so if i'm gonna be with him I want it to be perfect.... we have a lot of other stuff in common but hes a video game geek and I hate video games... I cant stand dogs but he loves them.... Bobby hates video games and pets... just like me.... I dont know... I'm still so hung up on Bobby but I know things arent gonna change and hes not gonna love me no matter how much he flirts with me and shit in front of people when we get alone he like changes and turns me down... hes always messing with my head and my heart is so broken it hurts.... love sux... I just wanna move on but I so dont think I can yet... have I confused you yet lol.... I have this feeling that Friday I'm gonna be on the streets again... If I dont have $67 on friday I have to find somewhere else to go.... I'm pretty much fucked because even if i got a job I wouldnt have that first paycheck by friday... no way.... so I dont know why I even bother.... and like seriosly(sp?) Nate's gf stays up on the couch all nite which is where Im suppose to be sleeping and she finally goes to sleep then Nate wakes me up like at 8am to go searching for a job - because employers wanna hire someone who looks like their dead tired - and its like I'm so exahausted how can I be expected to do anything... and like I have no money left so in turn I have no food.... so my tummy is always growling.... that will look good to potential bosses too right? Of course it will... I'd definally hire the chick who looks like shes so hungry she'll eat everything in the store and then pass the fuck out on the counter.... I would... of course... wouldn't you.... I mean come on.... NO ONE will hire me like this.... whats the point... I need to sleep and eat and feel refreshed and happy and peppy to get a job... I just dont have it in me to act like that so.... I dont know what to do... i think this message is long enough though lol so... yea... write back....

Bobby got out on Friday... I practically thru myself at him on Saturday.... and he turned me down... I like started crying and stuff... it was so embarrassing... I really thought he was changed in there... I thought he respected me for being loyal to him the whole time he was with another woman... the whole time he was in jail... I was a good girl and I thought he loved me for that... he said he did... but then he got out and nothing changed expect we're friends again... we werent even friends when he went in... so i guess thats good that were friends again but I still love him so much and I was so looking forward to a life with him in it... ya know... I was willing to do anything for him... i'll get a job and apartment and licence and car... I'm fucking scared of driving but I wanted to be perfect for him... I mean seirously.... its not like hes the greatest catch or something... he doesnt drive and lives with his mommy... he doesnt have a job and its gonna be really hard for him to get one with 5 felony charges on his record... he should appreciate the fact that I still wanna be with him... I love him so much Im willing to accept that.... he doesnt even realize how good I would be to him... I would change everything.... anything... for him... and he doesnt even care.. I hate boys... and my eyes are wet... damn.....

Visited Bobby in Jail

So last night I went to see Bobby in jail... At first he was kinda pissed.... of all people, he said, he didn't expect to see me.... He was like "What the fuck! Why did you come to see me?" but he calmed down and we actually had a pretty good conversation... lots of laughs and memories... it was sweet... He said he should have dated me instead of Chrystal... he hates me still but at least I didn't get Prego... I was like "I did get Prego" and he's like "yea but ur smart enough to abort it" and I was like "I didn't abort it, I had a miscarriage asshole!" lol.... I musta called him an asshole like 4 or 5 times... it was awesome... I missed him... He also said that the only reason he didn’t date me was because of what other people thought, but fuck what other people think, at least I love him enough to go visit him.... that’s what he said "At least you really love me, enough to come visit me" apparently Chrystal's only gone to see him twice... by the way she talks I thought she had seen him a bunch of times... but no... And he's proud of me for being celibate for 8 months ... he's like "Chrystal's out there being a little whore" and I'm like "She's only with Josh" He also said he's gonna call me up when he gets out so we can screw around lol... who knows if that’s the truth or not but.... yea... I'd be up for it... he's like "I haven't gotten laid in 3 and a half months" because apparently he stopped fucking Chrystal before they even got in that fight... so yea... I might get some lol... prolly not but ya never know... and when we were talking about the past he told me I was good in bed... *smile*... yay.... hmmm... and I told him what Leah said about Chrystal using Josh until Bobby gets out and he’s like "yea but I ain't taking her back" and "I hope she catches AIDS" and I'm like... that's not very nice and he's like "I don't give a fuck, I do"... We talked about our past sex life and everything… it was sweet… he said he was done with all his friends because none of them will come visit him and I was like “I ran into pickle, he might come visit you” and he goes “If Pickle comes to see me I will break through this glass and rip his head off” lol… the people who shared the visiting room with me knew Bobby too and they knew Pickle weirdly… lol… yea so… I can’t wait till he gets out… he can’t smoke or drink or anything for 2 years… he’s gonna be on probation and shit so… he’s like “when you get home smoke a fattie for me” and I was like “I will.” By the end of the visit he was happy I came… he’s like “thanx for getting me outta my room for an hour” lol


P.S. His piercing's havent healed up... he uses pieces of a comb to keep his nipples open and a rubber pencil for his ear.... he showed me his nipples.....

P.S.S. I guess Chrystal still loves him.... but I still love him too... and he hates both of us... so IDK... it's up to him I guess... he can either decided to go back to her or he can be with me... I just want him to be happy... and if for some reason he changes his mind about her and wants to be with her again then... yeah I'll be jealous once again but.... *sighs* I'll have to deal like I did before... It hurts but thats life right?

Going Home

Sean, Amber, and Laura are on their way to Portland to pick us up... yay! Nick is being discharged and we are going home yay again!


have you heard?

SXEPHIL and DAVEDAYS R AMAZING!

Home

He'll probably get to go home tomarrow... he says he'd rather stay here and relax... um... I would actually rather stay here too but I need a shower.... and sleep in a real bed... I'm so tired.... I slept like an hour and a half... thats it... then a nurse woke me up and said I can't sleep in Nicks room {I put three chairs together and was sleeping on those} I came out here to the waiting room and the 2 couchs already ahd people sleeping and now this place is too busy to sleep... I am so tired though... OMG... so tired....

Sleeping

Nick's sleeping again... he needs his rest.... so I'm on the computer once more... listening to Pass The Axe.... "nothing like the feeling of commiting the insicion" and Dave Days who is amazing! BTW...
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wow its been 3 hours since I wrote that last bit.... I saw this video for Bitch I'm Sexy of these hott lette girls lip-synching and just spent 3 hours looking thru their YouTube vids...


Princess Sparkles:
http://www.youtube.com/user/MiSsSPaRkLeZz
http://www.myspace.com/PRiNCeSsSPaRkLeZz

Niki *Beautiful* Nitemare:
http://www.youtube.com/user/DARKLOTUSbutterfly

Twiggy:
http://www.youtube.com/user/TWiiGGY
http://www.myspace.com/dubcbiatch

Ale:
http://www.youtube.com/user/Aletastic
http://www.myspace.com/alevendacious

KuKee:
http://www.youtube.com/user/kukeecarnage
http://myspace.com/KUKEECARNAGE

Kisa:(Who's not in the Bitch I'm Sexy vid but in others with the girls)
http://www.youtube.com/user/Kisa420
http://www.myspace.com/alevendacious
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yea these girls are fine-ass lettes!

Hello again

Nick has been moved to the 3rd floor.... room 315 bed B.... hes eating and he has to do facial exercises.... they gave him some good meds so I'm glad for that.... um.... We're watching Liar Liar right now {The Jim Carey version} but a nurse came in to take out his catheter so i had to leave the room.... um.... its like 6:10 now so Laura should be showing up soon... Um... I'm gonna go back in Nick's room now.... bbl

Brrrrrrr

holy crap I am fucking cold... and still tired... I fell asleep for about 2 hours.... I'm gonna try to do that again... Nick's sleeping.....

Eggs

So I guess they fed Nick some eggs for breckie and he ate most of them... thats good... now they're changing his face creame stuff for him so I'm gonna go smoke a cigerette... don't know if I'll update again later or what... hes gonna be moved to a different floor... hopefully one where he has an extra bed in his room empty lol... I am so tired and I so couldnt sleep on the couch in here... way too uncomforatable... I watched Hancock.... Rene was right... that movie was awesome! But yea I dont know if there will be a computer on the other floor or if Nick will want me to stay with him in his room or what so... I'm gonna go have that cigerette....

He's awake!

He's awake! and we're watching Family Matters... looks like his right cheek and side of his nose got it the worst... hes lucky hes not blind... I'm so happy he's ok.... I took some pics of the damage but these lame ass computers wont let me upload anything so it'll be awhile before I post them... um... oh yea and the breathing tube is gone and he can talk to me... yay! Well I'm gonna go keep him company... I just needed to use the potty and thought I would update on his condition while I'm out here....

Hancock

so I just figured out how to listen to stuff on this computer.... so now I'm gonna watch Hancock and when its over I'm gonna go check on Nick....

Ok... so....

Nick looks much better.... hes having a hard time breathing but they said hes doing better with that too.... I got to talk to Mom and Laura and Sam on the phone finally... a nurse called for me... um... the nurse lady told me that he might only have to stay a couple days so thats good... I think Mike is gonna bring Laura and Mom down tomarrow after 5pm... I dont mind staying here... I wanna be here for Nick if he needs someone for support ya know... his face is all red but without all the blisters and extra skin he does look better... I don't know... he's ok I guess.... they have him on a lot of drugs... I'm kinda tired but I don't wanna go to sleep.... I just wish he was ok....

Reasons I loved Justin {Back in the day}

Reasons I love him:

His voice and the way he calls me "Tiffy" (He was the first to do that)
He's extremly funny
His eyes, his hair, his arms, his stupid smile, his even stupider laugh
His shoulders, his back, his legs (in jeans), his hair, his tiny little ears.
The way he twirls his hair when he's bored or thinking
How he can think so far into the future when I can barely see to tomarrow
His taste in music, movies (except the porn)
Almost every song on the radio can remind me of him somehow
The way he walks
When he gets angry he turns red
He teases me
He loves his family and friends
I love the way he stands up for his friends against anyone
The way I have wait on him hand and foot
He's one of my bestest friends and I trust him soooo much!
He's really honest
He's on the same level as me economically, emotionally, and spiritually.
He's sometimes knows what I'm thinking without me saying anything
He's really smart, he could be anything he wants to be if he could stop getting into trouble
He has so many big ideas for himself and his life
The way he makes me feel; He can make me so happy I want to explode, or so sad I want to die
I like it when he gets all quiet and trance-like thinking about something
How I have to take care of him like he's a baby
We're both afraid of drowning and heights
The way he says he loves me even if he doesn't mean it
He sucks at singing if he tries, but he's not bad if he doesn't think about it
The way he dances
He's really protective of me and everyone else, when I'm around him he makes me feel safe
The way his eyes get big when he's concerned about me and he asks whats wrong
He gets frustrated really easilly but he still keeps trying to make me understand
He know ATC's "Around The World"... no one knows that song!
He used to love the Spice Girls when he was little (so adorable)

Reasons I hate him:
He calls me a cock-block and obbsessive
He calls me stupid, slut, and ugly
He hits on all my friends
He talks really bad about his ex's and any girls that have ever done anything with him
He egotistical, self-centered,and conceited
He makes me feel worthless and suisidal
He tells me nothing will ever happen between us, ever!