uh...well...

Today I went to school around 10:30ish and we played omniball.... that was cool. At lunch I sat with the usual lunch 6C lunch crowd except that NaToni joined us, so that was cool. Then I went to Accounting and Emily had boughten her Freshman year (aka Justin's freshman year) yearbook and I looked up Justin's picture... god it was adorable... his hair was curly... absolutely perfect. Not to mention his picture was placed right on top of Travis' picture. God I miss Travis. I was standing in the cafe today and I was like "Wow, I miss Travis." Somebody else I really miss who I never talk about is Jaylyn. I really miss her. She was like my very best friend for 3 years. I miss her. I get to go to her graduation on June 5th in Waterville. Melissa too. I haven't seen her since before Christmas. Damn! My mom saw her the other day and she was driving. I guess she works at Hannaford's in Gardiner now. I miss her too.... I'm just in a lonely mood i guess. Even though my room was standing room only this weekend, I'm still lonely.
.
.
Get this.. over the past couple days I've had Jen, Kevin, Kiwi, Monica, Cora, and NaToni over. Not all at the same time, but still.... why am I still so lonely all the damn time... oh yeah because I'm missing too of the most important people in my life: Kyle and Justin.
.
.
Damn it.... why is everything so goddamn hard?
.
.
Me and Justin's Chat from: 19 Feb 2005
19 Feb 2005

TiffyJean3787 [10:35 PM]: well...
seeker of choas [10:35 PM]: ...
seeker of choas [10:35 PM]: tiff you have nothing to worry about
seeker of choas [10:35 PM]: im still your best friend
seeker of choas [10:35 PM]: but you dissapoint me
TiffyJean3787 [10:35 PM]: what?
seeker of choas [10:36 PM]: your not even close to getting over me :(
TiffyJean3787 [10:36 PM]: lamfo
TiffyJean3787 [10:36 PM]: u thought i was?
seeker of choas [10:36 PM]: ...i dotn know
TiffyJean3787 [10:39 PM]: justin u dont want me to be over you and i know it. You like teasing me and still keeping me on your side fighting for you. You know that if i really get over you, you think you wont get anything anymore, and you know what that's proabaly right. You probably wouldn't get everything you do out of me anymore. You would still be my best friend but it wouldn't be the same. This way is funny
TiffyJean3787 [10:40 PM]: this is kinda down, here i am complaining to you about how mean you are to me
TiffyJean3787 [10:40 PM]: that was supposed to say dumb*
TiffyJean3787 [10:41 PM]: but if your gonna be my best friend u gotta know i complain about you a whole heck of a lot.
TiffyJean3787 [10:42 PM]: but i dont care that ur mean to me, i know its part of who u are. Your family your background. You are who you are and you dont go around liying about yourself to feel cooler.
TiffyJean3787 [10:44 PM]: thats the coolest thing a person could be. You are so cool. Your a little numb sometimes Osama but the bomb threat. That wasnt even cool justin. That used to embarras me that i liked the bomb threat kid but i stopped caring what everyone else though of me. The only person who mattered was you
TiffyJean3787 [10:44 PM]: is you
TiffyJean3787 [10:45 PM]: now that kyle has left me too i have no one
TiffyJean3787 [10:45 PM]: *crying*
TiffyJean3787 [10:46 PM]: Justin?
TiffyJean3787 [10:48 PM]: i just want you to know where you stand in my book. You come before my mom, my siblings, all my other friends except kyle. You too are very much tied. your such total oppesites, even though hes constantly trying to be like you more and more, you guys are so different that if you put both of you together it would make one perfect 10 man!
TiffyJean3787 [10:50 PM]: but just wanted u to see where u stand, your more important to me then anything and if something bad happend to you instead of me i feel so bad that i want to hurt myself over it
seeker of choas [10:51 PM]: .. tiff i cant talk im doing stuff..
TiffyJean3787 [10:51 PM]: i wish this had all happened to me instead of you. i dont want you ever to hurt because when you do you wont let me comfort you, like at all and it makes me sad. I just want to help you so much in any way i could and you dont let me help you
TiffyJean3787 [10:53 PM]: just read it when you get a chance...
i'm just spilling out my heart some more....
and you still dont care....
seeker of choas [10:53 PM]: ...
TiffyJean3787 [10:54 PM]:Do you know how many times i have read your "we cant be friends anymore" note to myself and just cried and cried? Even after we had sorta been ok for a while I still took out that note, read it, and cried every time just to keep myself in place when i get to thinking about you too much
TiffyJean3787 [10:57 PM]: like right now im really high, since i had it all to myself, cause i have no friends and all. So that's why I'm so bad right now and I'm sorry. But I like being this way so I can get out the truth if i was hiding something from you I'd hate myself until I spilled the secret or hurt myself really really bad
TiffyJean3787 [11:02 PM]: im desperate i admit it
TiffyJean3787 [11:03 PM]: if i didnt have friends i would be so dead right now
TiffyJean3787 [11:03 PM]: specially you
TiffyJean3787 [11:03 PM]: i cant get over you justin dont you see
seeker of choas [11:03 PM]: ...
TiffyJean3787 [11:03 PM]: if i give up on you then i give up on me too you have my everything
seeker of choas [11:03 PM]: you are really high
TiffyJean3787 [11:03 PM]: im crying
seeker of choas [11:04 PM]: im sorry
TiffyJean3787 [11:04 PM]: u dont understand
TiffyJean3787 [11:04 PM]: u dont understand me
seeker of choas [11:04 PM]: i guess not
TiffyJean3787 [11:04 PM]: justin
seeker of choas [11:04 PM]: what
seeker of choas [11:04 PM]: hey im doing that quest now..
TiffyJean3787 [11:04 PM]: please come get me tomarrow i dont want to be here alone anymore
TiffyJean3787 [11:04 PM]: cool
seeker of choas [11:05 PM]: ill see what i can do
TiffyJean3787 [11:05 PM]: please
TiffyJean3787 [11:05 PM]: i just want to be with someone
seeker of choas [11:05 PM]: if its snowing then im not going to be able too
TiffyJean3787 [11:05 PM]: anyone
seeker of choas [11:05 PM]: ill try
TiffyJean3787 [11:05 PM]: dont that truck have four wheel drive?
seeker of choas [11:05 PM]: the one we were in but i dont know if we can take that one
TiffyJean3787 [11:06 PM]: oh
TiffyJean3787 [11:06 PM]: i hope so i dont want to be alone anymore since kyles been gone no one comes over anymore
TiffyJean3787 [11:07 PM]: my room is sorta a making out in privacy oppertunity so thats why they come over
TiffyJean3787 [11:07 PM]: oh Jen and Kevin
TiffyJean3787 [11:07 PM]: no one comes over to hang out with me anymore
seeker of choas [11:08 PM]: im sorry..
TiffyJean3787 [11:08 PM]: and i know what ur gonna say "they never did" but Kyle seemed like he really wanted to hang out with me sometimes
TiffyJean3787 [11:08 PM]: i cant stop crying
TiffyJean3787 [11:08 PM]: i really miss Kyle
seeker of choas [11:08 PM]: its gonna be ok
seeker of choas [11:08 PM]: kyles comming back
TiffyJean3787 [11:08 PM]: ive only gotten to talk to him 10 mins in the last 3 days
seeker of choas [11:09 PM]: and hopefully youll come over tommorow
TiffyJean3787 [11:09 PM]: hes not gonna be the same
seeker of choas [11:09 PM]: and you wont be lonely
seeker of choas [11:09 PM]: ...
seeker of choas [11:09 PM]: of course he will
seeker of choas [11:09 PM]: its kyle
TiffyJean3787 [11:09 PM]: do u think im needy cause i dont want u to see me as needy or anything
seeker of choas [11:10 PM]: ..everyone needs someone there...
seeker of choas [11:10 PM]: unless your name is justin tilkins
seeker of choas [11:10 PM]: then you get used to being lonely
seeker of choas [11:10 PM]: and noone there for you
seeker of choas [11:10 PM]: but its not so yes its fine that you miss your friends
TiffyJean3787 [11:11 PM]: its just a lot of shit happened to me today that would never had happened if i had never met u and stuff. but you know what i wouldnt take back knowing you for the world
seeker of choas [11:12 PM]: i know
TiffyJean3787 [11:12 PM]: you really are my best friend even is i am a little obsessive over you
seeker of choas [11:12 PM]: and that cool
seeker of choas [11:12 PM]: ...thats not cool..
seeker of choas [11:12 PM]: ;)
TiffyJean3787 [11:12 PM]: i try to be there for you
TiffyJean3787 [11:12 PM]: i dont try to be
TiffyJean3787 [11:12 PM]: i cant help it
TiffyJean3787 [11:12 PM]: its like part of who i am, i always have been
TiffyJean3787 [11:13 PM]: i used to obssese over dolls and barbies, and my pile of dirt at the beach and stuff
TiffyJean3787 [11:13 PM]: and now thats not so cool
TiffyJean3787 [11:13 PM]: so i obsess over a boy and thats a little more aceppted
TiffyJean3787 [11:13 PM]: though not too much when the boy is you
TiffyJean3787 [11:14 PM]: lol....jk
TiffyJean3787 [11:14 PM]: no im not
TiffyJean3787 [11:14 PM]: lmfao
seeker of choas [11:14 PM]: stoner...
TiffyJean3787 [11:14 PM]: so i dont know
TiffyJean3787 [11:14 PM]: do u hate me
seeker of choas [11:14 PM]: nope
TiffyJean3787 [11:14 PM]: r u just saying that so i dont cut?
seeker of choas [11:15 PM]: nope
seeker of choas [11:15 PM]: you wont cut anyways
TiffyJean3787 [11:15 PM]: perfect!
seeker of choas [11:15 PM]: cause if you did i would hate you...
TiffyJean3787 [11:15 PM]: no u wouldnt
seeker of choas [11:15 PM]: i would be 8 kinds of pissed
TiffyJean3787 [11:15 PM]: ud be really sad that i thought i had to.....lol........
TiffyJean3787 [11:15 PM]: cause your that kind of great guy
seeker of choas [11:16 PM]: ...but all that would be replaced by burning rage...
TiffyJean3787 [11:16 PM]: u know i wont jeez
seeker of choas [11:16 PM]: ok not quite that bad
TiffyJean3787 [11:16 PM]: yeah ok
TiffyJean3787 [11:17 PM]: what would u do hit me again? cause I'm willing to accept that. At least from you. I can deal with it.
seeker of choas [11:17 PM]: when did i hit you?
TiffyJean3787 [11:17 PM]: it didnt hurt that much
seeker of choas [11:17 PM]: your full of shit
TiffyJean3787 [11:17 PM]: about kiwi
seeker of choas [11:17 PM]: i never touched you bitch
seeker of choas [11:17 PM]: ..
seeker of choas [11:17 PM]: huh?
TiffyJean3787 [11:17 PM]: dont be mean
TiffyJean3787 [11:17 PM]: u didnt do anything im lying
TiffyJean3787 [11:17 PM]: whatever
seeker of choas [11:18 PM]: ...
TiffyJean3787 [11:18 PM]: i do not want to fightr with u
seeker of choas [11:18 PM]: i dont know what your talking about
TiffyJean3787 [11:18 PM]: dont fight with me
TiffyJean3787 [11:21 PM]: oh we were talking about how you didnt hit me but it felt like you did when your hand brushed my fase with forse behind it that could kill a baby, or at least it shocked me that much. ANyways we were talking about how if you were that type of stand-up guy I would let you hit me cause... I'm used to it... i'm used to everything you do to me. A lot of it at least
TiffyJean3787 [11:22 PM]: i'm always been talked down to and well if u were this type of guy (hit), and stuff so it's nothing new that I havent delt with before
TiffyJean3787 [11:22 PM]: so i would let you
TiffyJean3787 [11:23 PM]: kyle thinks thats dumb
seeker of choas [11:23 PM]: your dumb.. i dont want to hit you
seeker of choas [11:23 PM]: and if i did before then im sorry
TiffyJean3787 [11:25 PM]: When Andy at the Edge just found out I liked you the other day, he asked me if i want to have kids and i was like yeah and he goes what if he starts hitting the kids and I'm like Justin's not like that. And he's like "you might think the sun rises and sets with Justin then that's your buisness, not everybody wanted to hear about it" and i was only talking to like mary or kiwi one of them
TiffyJean3787 [11:25 PM]: that quote is totally fucked lol
TiffyJean3787 [11:31 PM]: one of the things i used to love you for was u were so good to your friends, at least you always seemed like you were, you always back up your boys and i respect that
seeker of choas [11:32 PM]: lol gangsta.. B
TiffyJean3787 [11:32 PM]: but jeez your never nice to me well sometimes you are but not as much as u are mean
TiffyJean3787 [11:32 PM]: god i wish you were here
TiffyJean3787 [11:32 PM]: i really am like totally lonely
TiffyJean3787 [11:33 PM]: Kevins been gone, then u left, then jen got grounded and i got really depressed and went to school one day in two weeks
TiffyJean3787 [11:33 PM]: then kyle left and i didnt go back to school for two weeks again
TiffyJean3787 [11:34 PM]: i have been probably 10 days total this quarter
TiffyJean3787 [11:34 PM]: i get so depressed with everyone having left me all alone to fend for myself after i gave up all my other friends for you guys
TiffyJean3787 [11:36 PM]: i dont talk to erin or becca or jaylyn or anyone other than you guys and our mutual friends anymore I stopped calling anyone who critized me about what a bad guy you are, im gonna stop going to the edge because Andy and Kiwi will not give up
TiffyJean3787 [11:36 PM]: i cant be around them they dont understand you the way i like to think i do
seeker of choas [11:36 PM]: ...
seeker of choas [11:36 PM]: i think your getting to obsessive tiffy
seeker of choas [11:37 PM]: for fucks sake just chill out a little
TiffyJean3787 [11:37 PM]: why cause i care about you
TiffyJean3787 [11:37 PM]: im sorry
TiffyJean3787 [11:37 PM]: what do u want me to do?
seeker of choas [11:37 PM]: not let me interfer with any of your other friendships
TiffyJean3787 [11:37 PM]: lol... it already happened
TiffyJean3787 [11:38 PM]: and i dont like them anyways
TiffyJean3787 [11:38 PM]: they were all filler friends and best friends until i met you and kyle
TiffyJean3787 [11:38 PM]: filler best friends*
TiffyJean3787 [11:39 PM]: just people i never really cared about but hung out with because i needed someone to play barbies with when i was 8. No one has ever counted to me as much as you do
TiffyJean3787 [11:40 PM]: u and kyle mean so much more than any other people ive ever met in my life you both mean so much more to me than anyone.
TiffyJean3787 [11:43 PM]: choice a: Justin lives, the entire rest of the state of maine die including yourself. choice b: Kyle lives, Iowa dies choice c: Kyle and Justin dies, the rest of the world remains choice d: Kyle and Justin both live and you are the only person to die........ you know what i pick D.
TiffyJean3787 [11:45 PM]: i pick D becuase you and kyle are really the only thing keeping me alive, if you died or kyle died, I'd die inside and go insane and see you guys in hell
TiffyJean3787 [11:45 PM]: but....
seeker of choas [11:45 PM]: well if you picked b me and kyle would be alive
seeker of choas [11:45 PM]: and iowa would die
seeker of choas [11:45 PM]: nobody like that state anywyas
TiffyJean3787 [11:45 PM]: i would rather sacrifice myself
TiffyJean3787 [11:45 PM]: lmfao lmfao
TiffyJean3787 [11:46 PM]: oh gawd i miss you
TiffyJean3787 [11:46 PM]: if i could be hearing u say that it would be so perfect
TiffyJean3787 [11:46 PM]: u r fucking hilarious
TiffyJean3787 [11:47 PM]: what i really want is a cigerette
seeker of choas [11:47 PM]: me too..
TiffyJean3787 [11:48 PM]: ill proably steal some good ones from my mom for us
seeker of choas [11:48 PM]: sweet
TiffyJean3787 [11:48 PM]: u remember when i used to steal them from her to give to u
seeker of choas [11:48 PM]: uh huh
TiffyJean3787 [11:49 PM]: then when we got high that first time you handed me a cigerette and said it increases your high
TiffyJean3787 [11:49 PM]: but i kept forgetting to light it and u ended up doing it for me
TiffyJean3787 [11:49 PM]: well that was when i started smoking
TiffyJean3787 [11:49 PM]: cigerettes
TiffyJean3787 [11:50 PM]: i had tried smoking cigerettes before but never kept up with it for as long as this
TiffyJean3787 [11:50 PM]: i used to be like "I will never kiss a boy who smokes Yuck!"
TiffyJean3787 [11:51 PM]: i dont think i have ever made out with one who doesnt
TiffyJean3787 [11:51 PM]: and most have them had done other drugs too
TiffyJean3787 [11:56 PM]: (edited for content)
TiffyJean3787 [12:03 AM]: im not trying to be a bitch
seeker of choas [12:03 AM]: i know
seeker of choas [12:03 AM]: guess you dont ahve to :p
TiffyJean3787 [12:04 AM]: lol
TiffyJean3787 [12:04 AM]: um... where was i then scare me why dont ya?
seeker of choas [12:05 AM]: its so easy i got to show you im kidding or youll freak out
TiffyJean3787 [12:05 AM]: yeah
TiffyJean3787 [12:05 AM]: because...
TiffyJean3787 [12:05 AM]: wel.....
TiffyJean3787 [12:05 AM]: i cant help it
TiffyJean3787 [12:05 AM]: it hurts so bad to have you mad at me
TiffyJean3787 [12:06 AM]: sometimes i cry so much i start chocking and think im gonna have and overdose of tears of something and drown or get really dehydrated and die
TiffyJean3787 [12:06 AM]: beacause of you

(I lost part of our conversation here - my guess is we were talking about my hair)

TiffyJean3787 [12:32 AM]: y not?
seeker of choas [12:32 AM]: its looks good the way it is
TiffyJean3787 [12:32 AM]: nothing about me looks good
TiffyJean3787 [12:33 AM]: nothing is good enough and not just with you with all guys
TiffyJean3787 [12:33 AM]: even boys as good to girls as Kyle is are still jerks
TiffyJean3787 [12:34 AM]: they still dont want me
TiffyJean3787 [12:40 AM]: Justin?
seeker of choas [12:41 AM]: what
TiffyJean3787 [12:42 AM]: i miss playing runescape
seeker of choas [12:42 AM]: lol i dont im doing it right now :)
TiffyJean3787 [12:43 AM]: yeah i know, u jerk lol
TiffyJean3787 [12:44 AM]: justin if its not snowing so much that i dont get to go down there, then what time do u think ull be here around?
seeker of choas [12:44 AM]: dont know
TiffyJean3787 [12:44 AM]: oh
TiffyJean3787 [12:45 AM]: not even a close guess
seeker of choas [12:45 AM]: nope
TiffyJean3787 [12:45 AM]: darn
TiffyJean3787 [12:47 AM]: well at least remember to call first cause im up pretty late and i will sleep in pretty late and i sleep wering very flimsy nities now figuring no one sees me now. I have no friends waking me up in the middle of the night to go smoke cigerettes with them i have no one coming to wake me up for school and i actually get up
TiffyJean3787 [12:49 AM]: justin u know how i said uve been gone for 27 days so i owe u 27 back massages well it's really been 37 i just looked it up. Oh gawd my arms are gonna be sore.
seeker of choas [1:15 AM]: looks like i have to go
TiffyJean3787 [1:15 AM]: really?
seeker of choas [1:15 AM]: peace out
TiffyJean3787 [1:15 AM]: ok night
TiffyJean3787 [1:15 AM]: call me tomarrow ok
seeker of choas [1:15 AM]: see ya tommorow maybe
seeker of choas [1:15 AM]: k
.
.
That was our chat from so long ago... sometimes he can be so very sweet and sometimes... he tells me everything will be alright and that when I go see him I won't be so lonely anymore... I wish I could go see him tomarrow... god I miss him. He's one of my best friends... I hate my life!