Dreams and Being Mad At Kevy

God my eyes hurt.... I had a horrible dream that Rose and Kevin left while I was asleep and I was cryinh andd.... anyways it was bad. Guess I miss him a little more than I want to admit. I did say I don't want to go but, I was just mad. I really do want to go. I do. If Kevin tells his mom that I don't want to go and they leave without me... I will be so upset. Damn, what the hell is my problem.
.
.
Plus I just remembered something.... I'm all kinds of broken out so I don't want Justin to see me really. But then I really want to see him. I want to grab him and hug him and (kiss him) But I'm not gonna. I wonder if he's even noticed that I don't say "I love you" to him anymore.... *tears*... I bet he's happy... It just makes me hurt
.
.
I miss him.
.
.
DAMNIT.... he still has power over me.
.
.
Yesterday at the Skate park I got really mad at Kevin because Justin called my cell and all he wanted to do was talk to Kevin. Kevin kept talking and talking... and that stupid thing is so expensive. I don't even like talking on it myself. It costs so much money to have that thing work and once I run out of minuets, that's it.... I have no money whatsoever to buy another card to have any more mintuets. It just really pisses me off that Kevy seemed to have no respect for my money. I personally think that he thinks he can control me. I am weak and giving yes, but does that mean that he has to use me. He thinks because he's a guy and ... well... some other stuff.... that he can control me. That just because I love him so much that he can tell me what to do and I will just accept it because that's the way I am. I do that to Justin and I hate myself for it. I don't want to do it for Kevin too. Kevin does somewhat have control of me but I don't want him to take advantage of his power and I think he tried to yesterday.
.
.
I felt really bad though cause when I told him I think he did what he did because he's a guy and guys are assholes and stuff... he's all like "you're calling me sexist?" and I'm like "yeah" and he got all kinds of pissed but I felt I was right. I still do. He was like punching signs and a phone pole and things.... I felt really bad. I guess he got a cut on his hand... Kevin always acts like he doesn't even care wheather we're friends or not and then he got so upset...
.
.
Last night we were talking about butts and me and Kiwi both grabbed his butt lol and he's like "Tiffy, did you just grab my ass" and I'm like "Yeah" and he's like "That offically mean you're not mad at me anymore" and I'm like "I'm still mad at you, just not when I'm like this"... I got positive with Jen and Monica. So we put off our anger for the night and I get to be angry at him today instead.... ok I have less than an hour left to sleep before I have to get up and get ready to go see Justin so I must sign off and sleep, take a shower, get dressed, coat on my cover-up, blah, blah, blah....
.
.
Nighterz... luv ya'll