I hate my life!

I really do.....
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get this.... Last night I snuck Matt's cell phone and called Kyle my bestest friend in the whole wide world only to find out that his phone's been turned off. Now what in the world am I suppose to do. IT'S NOT FAIR! I need him! I am going through a really rough time in my life and I really need him. Ohgawd I'm in school and my eyes are tearing up. I used to not be able to cry and now it's hard to keep myself from crying. I hate my life so much!
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In other news I got passed over by a guy for one of my sister's again. Yep this time it was Sam who stole the guy I liked. At least I never did anything with Russell when I liked him and he ended up with my sister. This hurts a hundred times more cause I've been with him. He told me he liked me and gave me all kinds of false hope. Hate my life, hate my life!
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Anyways I kinda got upset about this as you can imagine. Wouldn't you? I wrote him a long letter about how betrayed I felt and stuff and how I wanted him to stay away from my sister if he was gonna play mind games on me because he hurt me and I don't want him hurting her too. I went down to his house around 6am and meant to give him the note but when I saw him I got all flustered and forgave him. I told him to not break Sam's heart and to stop lieing to me about his feelings since I'm suppose to be his best friend and all. I told him that he better not fill her head with lies like he did mine and I asked him if he ever truelly liked me. He said "at one point" so I guess it wasn't all for nothing. He said he really likes Sam. I go "I thought you said she was annoying" and he goes "She is. It's kinda like you and Justin, one day you love him the next day you hate him" and I'm like hmmmm... Jen thinks that the reason he doesn't like me anymore is because I'm too fast for him. I want to do more stuff then he does and he's just really shy but whatever I'm over it..
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Good news (the only good news) - Kevin moved back to Augusta! That could be good and that could be bad considering who you're talking to..... No names....
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Yesterday Rose took Kevin and Me to go visit Justin.... We hung out with him for about an hour. Kevin brought him Spongebob boxers that he was wearing a copy of that day. Now he has two of the same shirt and two of the same boxers and aa bunch of the same socks and all his wifebeaters are the same.... He's like "all I need now is two of the same pair of pants and I can wear the same thing two days in a row" people will think he doesn't change his clothes when he will be. He's so cute. He was wearing all black yesterday and he looked so goddamn hott! I miss him so much... Like I miss being around him constantly like it used to be. Oh other Justin news... I guess he might not be going to Kid's Peace after all. I guess something happened with his social worker or whatever and he didn't get a room yet or something. The new place they're checking out is gonna be either in Rockland (Jessi) or near his grandfather's house in Weeks Mills. I hope he doesn't go to the Rockland one...... "Jealousy, turning saints into the sea, swimming through sick lullabys, chocking on your alibis".... whatever I'm over it.
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Anyways... Kyle told me (before his phone got shut off) that when he comes up for the summer he's bringing a ton of people with him. Ok just Josh (his cousin), Kyle (his friend), and Casey (his gf).... I kinda don't want him to. I mean I want to meet all of them and everything but I just feel like I won't have any alone time with him if he has all these people with him. They will all be nervous and fallow him around like lost little puppies. I know I will if I do make it down there. I just really want to pull him into my bed and make his hold me for hours while I cry out all the bad stuff in my life. I miss him so bad. I hate getting close to people. I lvoe Kyle so much...ohgawd tear again.... I really do though. Kyle is the best thing that ever happened to me and if I don't shut up I won't be able to type.. the screen and keys are getting all blurry through the water in my eyes. I hate myself and I hate my life. I miss Kyle so much. What am I gonna do without him?
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JP just came in here... god is he cute!
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back to Kyle.... He's my best friend and I love him so much. He became my best friend this one night when I was fighting with Justin. I had no one to turn to but I rememebered Kyle was babysitting at his sister's house on Washington st or whatever that little road near the church off from Washington st is. I went over there with my Life As We Know It tapes. He told me that Justin would eventually forgive me (and he did) and he was just there for me. He was such a sweetheart (he always is). I remember on Nov 2nd I hung out with Kyle at his sister's babysitting and afterwards he came to my house and we watched election coverage and made fun of Bush all night long... I walked him home when it was light out so that he could take a shower and we met at the bus stop and smoked a cigerette after having been up all night long. That was so perfect. that's something I miss a whole lot. I miss meeting him at the bus stop. Now I barely make it on the bus for the very reason of not wanting to stand there all alone in the morning or stand with my little sister like a lozer. I miss him so much.... well class is getting over so I gtg. I'll try to get more in later.
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I love you Kyle! Call me!