depressed

I did something last night that I'm so not proud of at all.... and then today I lied to my docter about it because I was afraid... I'm afraid of going to a hospital when I have so much crap on my shouldars.... I just got a cell phone with a 2 year contract.... I have to pay the electricity bill at my sisters or else the girls won't have heat or lights for the rest of winter... I have to finish up with high school even though I don't think I'll graduate this year either... but let me tell you something if I don't happen to pass all my credits and graduate this year then I will not go back... no way in hell... not even if I'm only 1 credit short of graduating... I'm still not going back to Cony for another year... fuck that... my life is pathetic enough as it is... anyways.. yeah... all that plus Justin is running away to live in Iowa with Kyle and all my other friends... he wants me to go with him... and I really, really want to... I just know that my mom would be so heartbroken... there's nothing much here for me except misery and heartache and lonleyness... Kevin moved... he was truly the thing I missed most while I was down there... I mean... I missed other people too... don't get me wrong... but my heart longed for Kevin and now that I don't have him anyways... what do I really have here to stay for??? I have bills and responsibilities... nothing more.... there's times when I'm all alone and I feel about ready to shrivel up and die and it seems like nobody cares... ever... but when I was down there... in Iowa... I had so much fun ya know.... and I'm afraid of Justin... I'm afraid he'll go down there and unlike Kyle... Justin will tell everybody all my faults so that noone down there will like me anymore... not that I think I'm all bad... he can just... I mena the boy makes me hate myself... I can only imagine what he can get other people thinking about me... great... I'm crying now... my life sucks... I think I'm gonna go curl up in a ball and cry for a while now... I'll be back later... I hope....