Well.... lots of stuff has happened since I last wrote... actually I don't know when the last time I wrote was but I'm sure it was a while ago... by the time anyone reads this Kevin will be long gone and in Houlten, Maine... all day long he wasn't allowed to have company because he was packing.... I cried constantly all day. My mom made me an appointment to see a docter on Thursday. I have to convince him to put me on medication for my depression.... I mean... I am really depressed... wouldn't you be if all you're best friends and most of your close friends were all taken away from you?... Kevin was the last person I had who was here for me everytime I needed to be held.... not to mention the fact that I'm so in love with him.... I love him so much... I don't care what Justin says.. I do know what love is... love is when someone is always there for you and your always there for them and you want to always be there for them forever... when you can't imagine being able to breathe without that person... when you cry when your not with them... when they are your entire world... when your near them it's like no one else is in the room.... when you look at them and find them so unbelieveably attractive and brilliant and just everything you've ever wanted... when you want to be with that person forever and can't imagine your life without them... that's love... when you'd give up everything just to be with that person for 10 more minets... when you look in that person's eyes and want to do anything for them... when... well in my case... when your sleeping with someone else and all you see is the person your in love with... you think about how he held you in his arms and told you he loved you and kissed you and you felt it go through every inch of your body and he makes you feel so special.. like you're the only one he wants... like he couldn't possibly want someone else even though you know in the back of your head that he does.... when he makes you feel loved and confident and so happy... that's Kevin to me... he makes me feel so amazing... no one else has ever made me feel like that in my entire life... I know he's not always the niceset guy to me but the way he makes me feel just makes up for anything he could ever do to urt me... nobody is perfect and I love his flaws... I love him!
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"Oceans apart, day after day, and I slowly go insane, I hear your voice, on the line, but it doesn't stop the pain, if I see you next to never, how can we say forever, wherever you go, whatever you do, I will be right here waiting for you, whatever it takes, or how my heart breaks, I will be right here waiting for you, I took for granted, all the times, that I thought would last somehow, I hear the laughter, I taste the tears, but I can't get near you now, oh can't you see it baby, you got me going crazy, wherever you go, whatever you do, I will be right here waiting for you, whatever it takes, or how my heart breaks, I will be right here waiting for you, I don't know how we can survive... but in the end if I'm with you I'll take the chance, oh can't you see it baby, you got me going crazy, wherever you go, whatever you do, I will be right here waiting for you, whatever it takes, or how my heart breaks, I will be right here waiting for you, waiting for you" - Richerd Marx ~ Right Here Waiting
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This is taking so long... I'm trying to pick out songs to give him a mix cd before he leaves... songs he can listen to and think of me.... grrrr... why does everyone I love always have to be taken away from me.... I am so unlucky in love and friendship... Kyle, Justin, Kevin, Jen, Leola, Melissa, Larry, Travis, Jaylyn, NaToni, Alicia, Ilene, Amanda, Teresa, Angelina, Amy Dyer, Ashley, Dustin, Donny, Jesse, Scottie, Tony, Reggie, Luke, Emily S.... all moved away on me... Jon, Shawn, Becca, Erin, Susie... so many of my friends graduated and went away to college... who knows if I'll ever see any of these people ever again? Lee and Jen... I will see but they still moved away... they aren't here for me everyday like I need someone to be... I need someone... and I don't want to get attached to anyone new because it will hurt to much if they leave me too... no more attachment... no more feelings... I love who I love and I don't want to love anyone else... Justin, Kevin, and Kyle are my life... they are... I admit that... everyone can see it... I can't deny how much they mean to me.... why would I want to? I love them... my mom says it's good that Kevin is leaving... then I can focuse on myself... but does anyone stop to think... maybe that's why I push all my focus onto other people? Because I hate myself and I don't want to focus on myself and my own problems... I just want to be with Kevin and Justin and Kyle... I want to be happy and with them... If we're ever together again... I promise I won't take the time for granted... I'm just stupid and selfish and god I hate myself... I hate how I always feel like I've wasted time... I always try to make the most of my time with Kevin... I've been trying... the whole Kyle leaving me thing really hit me hard on the wasting precious time thing....
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"So we talked all night about the rest of our lives, where we gonna be when we turn 25, I keep thinking times will never change keep on thinking things will always be the same, but when we leave this year we won't be coming back, no more hanging out cause we're on a different track and if ya, got something that you need to say, you better say it right now cause you don't have another day, cause we're moving on and we can't slow down, these memories are playing like a film without sound, and I keep thinking about that night in June, I didn't know much of love but it came too soon, and there was me and you and when we got real blue, We'd stay at home talking on the telephone, we'd get so excited and we'd get so scared, laughing at ourselves thinking life's not fair, and this is how it feels, as we go on, we remember, all the times we had together, and as our lives change, come whatever, we will still be, friends forever, so if we get the big jobs and we make the big money, when we look back at now, will our jokes still be funny? Will we still remember everything we learned in school? Still be trying to break every single rule... I keep--- I keep thinking that it's not goodbye, keep on thinking it's our time to fly... and this is how it feels... as we go on, we remember, all the times we, had together, and as our lives change, come whatever, we will still be friends forever, Will we think about tomarrow like we think about now? can we survive it out there, can we make it somehow, I guess I thought that this would never end, and sudenly it's like we're women and men, will the past be a shawdow that will fallow us round, will these memories fade when I leave this town? I keep--- I keep thinking that it's not goodbye, keep on thinking it's our time to fly... as we go on, we remember, all the times we had together, and as our lives change, come whatever, we will still be, friends forever, as we go on, we remember, all the times we had together, and as our lives change, come whatever, we will still be, friends forever, as we go on, we remember, all the times we had together, and as our lives change, come whatever, we will still be, friends forever" Vitimin C ~ Graduation (Friends Forever)
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In other news... not that anything could possibly be more important then the fact that I won't see my best friend, the boy I'm desperatly in love with, for two years or more.... but... Kyle and Tori broke up today... and got back together... I told him they would and he just wouldn't believe me, but they did. I guess she didn't even really want to break up with him... she wanted to "take a break" from seeing each other for a few days and all her friends took it wrong and he took it wrong and it was all blown out of porportion and stuff or something... weird girl she is... but I love her! Tori if you ever read this, I love you... you're the bestest!
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Um... so yeah I talked to Kyle a little...I like talked to him and then he talked to Kevin... and then he accidentally hung up on Kevin... and then he called back and talked to Kevin some more... accidentally hung up on Kevin again... had to call back... then hung up for reals... without saying goodbye or I love you or anything to me.... *tears*... Kevin, Nick, and me watched Not Another Teen Movie until 11pm when Kevin had to go home... I walked him of course... I gave him a hug and told him that I'll miss him and I love him... he said "goodbye Tiffy"... that was it... it hurt, I admit it... I know he loves me and that he'll miss me but I just wish he could tell me... I'd feel better ya know... if only he could say it... I would feel so much better letting him go... even if he does say it I'll still be a million times heartbroken... wanting to crawl into a hole and die... but... if he says it... then maybe it won't become reality... I love him so much... I know I loved Justin too... I'm not saying I didn't because I did... I loved Justin with every piece of my heart... but it's a different love with Kevin... certain people know what I'm talking about... why Kevin is so goddamn important to me and always will be... I just love him immencely.
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Great now I'm crying... AGAIN!... just what I needed right now... it's 5:06am and I'm really tired... I have to be at work at 11am... not knowing if Kevin will be gone before then, leave while I'm gone, or be there when I get home... then I must go back to work at 5pm... if I'm not dead by then... I wish someone would shoot me... I now have a plan... I just came up with it off the top of my head... Kevin said that if I killed myself, then he'd kill himself... and if Kevin killed himself Justin said he would kill himself... and if Kevin kills himself then obviously Kyle wouldn't be able to go on living without all three of us so him and Tori would probably kill themselves too since Tori said she would if Kyle did... so I think the answer is... I have to kill myself and then we can all be together in the afterlife... of course I am too fucking chicken to actually go through with it... not that I haven't made serious attempts because I have... 3 this past summer after that tramatic June event... but I got scared and thought of Kyle... and Jen... and Justin... and of course Kevin... though he was most of my reasoning for wanting to do it in the first place... yeah... the point is I didn't do it... and I won't cut... I promised Justin... and this time I'm gonna try to keep my promise...
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I promised Justin I would never withhold information from him ever again... you see... the other night we got into a huge yelling match on the phone because he thought I was lying to him... I wasn't lying... I just was withholding information... not telling him every little thing is not lying... but anyways I'm never gonna lie or keep anything from him ever again... Kyle thinks he's not special anymore because Justin and Kevin know just as much about me as he does and... though they do know as much about me as he does... he's still special because I love him... I just wanted to let Justin and Kevin in... I was finally ready... I couldn't do it before... I was too scared... I was scared Justin would think badly of me... which he does... Kyle is special because he protects me and would never think badly of me and that makes him special... because he loves me enough to know that I make mistakes like everyone else and I need to be forgiven... he doesn't rub all my faults in my face and make me feel like shit because I do something wrong... that's why he's special... because I love him and he loves me and we're best friends who can tell each other everything without worring about what the other will think about us because we love each other regaurdless. I takes me a while to tell Justin and Kevin stuff because I get scared. I loved Justin for so long and I'm still in love with Kevin so it's really hard to tell them my indiscretions... but Kyle... I was never in love with Kyle... I tired to make myself fall in love with him... I did everything I could think of to make myself fall for him and I just couldn't do it... sure I made out with him and stuff but I couldn't fall in love with him... I just... I don't know... I couldn't... and that's another reason Kyle is special because I didn't fall in love with him... Though he is the most gorgeous boy I have ever seen with the most amazing personality and I did type amazing.... personality..... He found a Tori... I want to find someone like him to fall for... yet... just not him... because I can't.. I don't get those... feelings for him that I do for those Tilkins boys... I mean I know they say they're related and all but... yeah but anyways Kyle... I love you! Thank you for being my friend.
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Well I just started Kevin's cd to burn so now I'm going home and getting a couple hours sleep before I wake up and watching Kevin walk out of my life forever... Justin I love you and I meant it.... every word I said to you in that letter I wrote the other night... I meant it... I love you. and Kevin.... if you ever read this... I'm sorry I love you so much.... I really am... I wish I didn't, but I do... I love you... and not only that but I will always love you... forever!