So he's gone.... god I miss him so much already... like... at 11pm I was like... I can't walk Kevin home.... and it depressed me... Jessi and me are gonna have a girls night party when Jen and Lee get down here for vacation... last year was just me and the boys and this year will all be girls... Jess and me were just hanging out in the apartment talking and stuff... we agreed it's just not the same without the boys there... she said the other day she cried harder then she's ever cried in her life... I believe her too... Justin is a pretty hard guy to leave... or let leave... it's hard... I cried forever when he left too... but... Justin just up and left... it wasn't all dragged out he was just there one minet and gone the next... I still had Kyle to protect me from the pain... and now I have no one to protect me... the depression just keeps building up and I can't really do anything about it... Nick has started refering to Kevin as Mark because every time anyone says his name my eyes well up and I start bawling... at least him leaving was perfect... he held me the way a boy is suppose to hug a girl... like Nick Hodge used to hug me... he put his arms around my waist and didn't really pull away until I let go... it was perfect... and then he told me he loved me (Yes Justin I know) and... I started crying before he was even off Stewart ln... it was like my entire life was ripped away from me. And he was my entire life... I gave up everything to be with him... I gave him my everything... anyways... after Kevin left I cried all the way to Subway... had to work 3 hours on Bangor st... then went to Western Ave and worked 3 more hours... after work I talked mom into bringing me to Wal-mart and I tried to get my pictures but the kodak company lost them or something... Wal-mart is gonna call the company and see what they can find out... those pictures better find their way back to me or I will totally flip the fuck out... I'm not even fucking joking... those are my Kevin pics and I need them... what I really need is him... I need to have someone here for me anytime I need someone... I used to have 3 someone's and now I have none.... god life sucks! I'm gonna go over to "not Kevin's" house and crawl into "not Kevin's" bed and cry some more... just because I can't think of anything to keep my mind off the fact that the boy I love is "so far away... doesn't anybody stay in one place anymore, it would be so fine to see your face at my door... and it doesn't help to know that your so far away...."
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Justin and Kyle.... I miss you guys too... you know I love you... it's just... time to miss Kevin now too... promise me we'll all be together again someday.... please... somebody promise me... I need to be reassured... I'm scared of myself.... but I didn't do anything to hurt myself... I swear... I will never lie to any of you boys again... ever... I promise... I love you all too much to keep stuff hidden away in my head... but Justin... I do have one secret I keep from you.... you won't know what that key goes to until you're 21.... and obviously it's not my chasity belt... lol... somebody already got that off... lol.
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Kyle... I was listening to "My Body, Your Body" or whatever it's called and it made me laugh... thinking of you and your cute stupid little dances... that and the laffy taffy dance... lol... I was bawling and those songs came on and I thought of you and it made me laugh so thank you for that... I love you so very much.
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Hey... does anyone remember me saying anything about that time right after Kyle went back to Iowa after summer with us and I was bawling in my room and Karma and Newcomb showed up? Well guess who showed up like 2 minets after Kevin drove off and saw me crying once again... Karma... yep... he always shows up at just the right time to see me crying my eyes out...
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yeah so about that hour and a half or sleep that will make me just want to reset my alarm for 10:30 and miss posting this online anyways... I should probably try to sleep for that time... but maybe I should stay up... at least then I would be able to sleep after school instead of crying until 9 when I can call Kevin or Kyle or Justin or Jen or Leola or somebody... somebody who loves me and will listen.. oh and I don't know if you ever check this but Angelina... I was reading a note from you that you wrote to me on my computer and I miss you too... I love you girl... don't forget it!
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Good.... morning... but I'm gonna go sleep now... in "Not Kevin or Justin's anymore" bed... *sighs*
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Memories.....Jami's leg being crushed... ear make-outs...babysitting... diaries, kisses, drugs, ciggerettes in the room, back massages... tears... cuts... bruises... hugs... sex?.... Trisha Bechard ewww.... friendship forever.... hallalujah... much love... KT, KS, JT, LC, JC, and TJ... A&F.... BFF... I love you!