I'm Backkkkkk!!!!! <-- and depressded

Well... my vacation was beyond amazing.... so much happened... I got some great new friends and... Well just so much... I won't be able to get it all down for quite a while... but I just wanted to let everyone know I'm back so hopefully I will be able to update once in a while... it's getting hard to get to a computer... I don't want to waste any time I could be with Kevin at the library...see... Kevin is moving in like 2 weeks... to Louisiana now... first they said Texas and now they're saying Louisiana... I know they have been saying they're going to move for years but... well... OJ got his SSI check and so... they really are leaving this time and I won't see Kevin again for... like 2 years... if ever. He was the last one of the boys I had here... the last person I could rely on to hold me when I'm feeling depressed and make the hurt go away... and now... he's leaving... Justin left me and then Kyle left me and now Kevin is leaving me... I'm just not good enough to stick around for... I mean I know it's out of their control but... the reality of being without my 3 best friends for the next 2 years of my life is beyond depressing....cutting does not seem to help anymore once again the mental pain isn't going away by causing myself physical pain... instead it's intensifying everything... well at least Justin, Kevin, Jen and me are going to be all together again for the last time this coming weekend... the last time... it's so... "If I could relive those days... I know the one thing that would never change..." the times with my friends have really been great and I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world.... I have the bestest friends in the whole wide world... Kyle... Justin... Kevin... I love you all with every bit of my heart and no matter how far away we are from each other... that will never change... no matter how much you change (who could that be meaning) and no matter how grown up you become... I will still love you. "You can't erase, you can't replace it, I miss it now, I can't believe it, so hard to stay, too hard to leave it" ... so hard to stay behind... too hard to move to Mason to actually be with Kyle...

Its 3:37am... every night since I've been home I've stayed up crying and writing letters to various peoples... Tori, Kyle, Justin, Jen, Kevin, even Rose... and then I always fall asleep right before I'm suppose to go to school... I try to stay up all night and it just doesn't work... maybe if I have this thing in front of me I'll be able to stay awake but I am starting to get tired now...

I guess I'll start on the vacation thing... I left on November 10th... about 20 mins before I left... I started having girl problems which made the bus ride very uncomfortable... it wasn't as bad coming back... even though my crotch hurt the whole way back too... but I'll get to that later...Kevin slept over the night before I left because god knew I was going to miss him like fucking crazy so I made him hehe...um... we went to Wal-mart and got popcorn chicken... lol... Kevin was like "It's unexpectedly delicious" lol good times, good memories... I am so going to miss him! Anyways... I bought a couple cameras and a watch so I could keep track of like my layovers and stuff....um... My bus left at 3:15pm and my dad met me there... Kevin came to the bus stop with me too and before I got on the bus... he... he... kissed me! Right in front of my mom and dad and my two little brothers and I was so ecstatic (sp?) I was very happy is what that means lol... It was just a little goodbye friendship kiss thing but... it made me have something good to think about ya know. Later I told him he was brave to kiss me in front of my dad and he said "I'm not scared of your dad" lol... then I was like "maybe I have something to tell him..." and he's like "NO!" and gets this scared look on his face... it was so cute! Um... once I was on the bus I waved to my mom and blew Kevin a kiss... he put it in his pocket and blew me a kiss back... it was so incredibly sweet... made me almost want to jump off the bus and go rape him somewhere but I knew I couldn't do that... my dad being there and all... lol.. j/k... I really wanted to see Kyle too.

I guess I was ok... until I got to Boston... girl problems made me get straight off the bus and rush to a bathroom and not think about anything else that could possibly happen... somehow I realized I lost my ticket. It was in the front pocket of my hoodie and it must have fallen out...I went to customer service and got this really cute black guy named Kevin to help me look for it on my bus... when we couldn't find it I sat in the line I was suppose to be in and almost started crying. Thank god a security guard had found my ticket and came up to me and gave it back... I was so happy I jumped up and hugged him... I had never seen so many black people in my life and the Boston terminal was packed full of them... it was crazy! When I was in Chicago... I called home and got to talk to Jen and Kevin... Jen was staying with Jessi for the weekend because I guess one of her friends (James' cousin) died or something... When I was talking to Kevin I was like "I love you" and he's like "I love you?"... It really sounded like a question and when I called him on it he was like "Oh, my 'I love you' isn't good enough"... it was so cute... you had to hear the tone of his voice to really appreciate it but it was absolutely adorable!

When I finally got to Mason City at 1:40pm on Sunday November 13th... Kyle, Scott, Brenda and Kaylee were all waiting for me.... Kyle was wearing his girlfriend Tori's tiny black hoodie that is way too small for him lol... When I got off the bus he hugged me... little did I know that would be one of the only hugs I'd get from him during my visit... I probably got like... 5 hugs the whole time I was there... and the fact that he would always hold me in his arms and make me feel better that way... it really hurt that he didn't want to hug me... I guess he's gotten used to not having anybody hugging him all the time and so now he doesn't like to be touched all that much anymore... when I told Jen this she's like "What happened?"... And "He's just not Kyle" and I'm like "Yep, he changed a lot!" Anyways... we got to Kyle's house and I took a shower and then Brenda gave us a ride to Scott's house... then we walked to Missy's house (2 blocks up, 2 blocks over, one block up.... I think). Tori was there too so we all hung out there listening to music on Missy's computer. I went to the Kum & Go with Missy and Scott. I took a picture of a water tower lol... and then I bought "pop". Missy "barrowed" $20 from her mom's purse for "hair dye" and we got her dad to drive us all to Kyle's... me and Missy each bought a half gallon (I think that's what it was) of Hawkeye Vodka. Soon after we got to Kyle's, Tori's dad showed up and made her go home but she was suppose to sneak back over when her parents were both at work (she never did) Um...a ton of people showed up to meet me I guess... Josh and Kayla, and Tori's best friend Riannand, Kyle McLaughlin (who I already knew from when he was up in Maine visiting), Scott's girlfriend Mili... who I actually met earlier at Missy's but she had to leave and go to a play she was in or something.... "You have a nice seat"... "Take an umbrella it's raining" ... um... I met some other girl too who's name I can't quite remember... Missy got Kayla to drive her to Wal-mart so she could highlight her hair... Josh actually dyed it for her... I got hungry and ordered pizza for everybody... Kyle got really drunk and called Tori... while he was on the phone with her he got sick because the pizza was the only thing he had eaten all day on top of a lot of alcohol... he ran to the bathroom and started throwing up while talking to her... romantic huh? After Kyle finally gave up the phone, I barrowed Scott's cell and called Kevin... got him to say he loved me twice hehe and he admitted to missing me... I told him I wasn't drinking and he told me if I didn't he wouldn't say he loved me ever again so I stole Kyle M's drink lol... I only took like 2 sips... he talked to Kyle a little bit too but had to get off the phone so we called Justin... the video we made before I left was actually a really good thing because Scott was using my notepad that has my phone numbers in it to draw me a picture at Missy's and we forgot it there... if it hadn't been for Justin saying 41-70 on the tape I wouldn't have remembered his phone number... I talked to Justin for like 2 mins and then Kyle talked to him. While Kyle was on the phone with Justin I went to Cenex for cigarettes... Marb's were $2.71 a pack... crazy isn't it? Anyways... I was all set going by myself but everybody decided to fallow me... well... just Josh, Riannand, Missy and Kyle M... I walked down with Josh and told him that even though he doesn't look like Clark Kent from Smallville in real life... I still thought he was cute... on the way back a cop stopped Missy and Kyle because Kyle ran into the bridge or something... they were both drunk but the cop didn't catch on I guess because she just drove off... Kyle cheated on his girlfriend that night by making out with Missy... I guess she feels bad but I don't know why because it's not her fault he's a cheater... it's not like she made him or something...if it hadn't been her, it just would have been someone else... I guess he made out with Kayla that night too... plus the kid was all over me telling me I'm "totally sexy" and trying to rub my legs and stuff... I was like "No way am I even remotely interested"... that's what I told Kyle anyways...When we got back from the store everyone who had been drinking got yelled at because they weren't suppose to be leaving the house... soon after that Brenda kicked everyone out and Kyle got off the phone so Scott could leave. Kyle immediately stripped down to his boxers when everyone left... I sat on the bed going through my suitcase and he sat in his chair starting to read my old diary when Missy's dad showed up looking for her... Josh and Kayla were supposed to be bringing her to Kyle M's but I guess she wasn't there or something... I don't remember... after her dad left I went back to looking through my suitcase and Kyle went back to reading... a little while later there was a knock on the window... Tori, Scott, Mili and Tori's mom Bridget were driving around looking for Missy and wanted to know if Kyle could show them where to look. We drove off to Kyle M's but he wasn't there and neither was Missy so we went to Josh and Kayla's but she wasn't there either. When we were there Kyle let the dog out and had to chase it around the car... it bit him lol... Bridget finally got it inside and dropped us off. He finished reading my diary and then I think we went to bed talking and stuff...
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And that was my first day in Mason City for vacation.... fun fun...
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It’s now 5:40am... and I'm going to take a break... probably fall asleep... which isn't good because I neeeed to go to school today...get makeup assignments and stuff...*yawns*
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I miss... Kyle, Tori, Scott, Missy, Josh, Kayla, Justin, Jen, Leola, Jaylyn, Larry, Melissa, Ashley, Angelina, NaToni, Alicia and soon I'll have to add Kevin to that.... *tears* *sighs* *more tears*
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Kyle I love you loads and loads... Always & Forever bestest most bestest friends forever!
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Tori I love you... you're the coolest... take care of Kyle for me
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Justin... I love you... see you tomorrow
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Jen... I know you won't read this but... I love you and I can't wait to see you tomorrow too
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Lee... I love you and I gots so much to tell you... so much!
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NaToni... are you coming down this weekend?? Since ya know... you and Justin are broken up and all...??? I love you.
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Um... I don't know who else may read this but I love you.