I'm sorry but I need to do this. I am so Fucked in the head!!!!!!!!!I'm back to that crying with no tears bullshit... that's all these pills are doing... making the tears stop so know one will know, no one will try to help me anymore, I'll end up bottling everything again and hurting myself or just fucking going crazy with built up emotions. I keep telling everybody all my buisness.... I tell Jen because I'm in love with her... plain and simple... I try to tell her everything.... there's stuff I keep from her sure but that's just because I'm sure she doesn't want or care to know some things about me ya know... my life was pretty boring before I met Justin.... god he changed me... what have I become.... I moved on from Kevin in the sexual way... I started by letting Josh in... it pulled me away from Kevin a little bit... not enough though and I kept lusting for him. It didn't really go off the way I wanted it to... "Was I amazing?" I ask... "as always" he says and yawns... that made me feel like shit.... he yawned like it was nothing. Then "Tinkerbelle" (the best christmas present ever!) pulled me away - a lot.... AMAZING... and I fell in love with a girl for the first time.... Yeah Jen it's been that long... I love you hunny. And then the "I love you, now go away" happened and I seriously thought I hated him... I was so angry and disappointed because I thought we were friends and that we did things for each other because we are friend and we love each other... I would do anything for him... anything at all... just because he's my friend... who cares that I'm in love with him... that's the way I am about my close friends...Tori, Kyle, Jen, Justin, Leola, Kevin, Brett, Jessi, Kiwi, Bethie, Cindy, Monica, Jaylyn, Lisa, Becca, Erin, Angelina, Ashley Y, Larry. Russell, Melissa, Sean, NaToni, Cora, Tim, Alicia, Nick... and anyone who I've missed I'm really sorry but I am also really *positive* which is why I'm freaking out here...


cant finish... write more later