a secret is contained in this entry.........

Hung out with Jen and Kevin today.... we went to the library.... then to Shaw's and went "shopping" at the dollar store... I got a M-azing candy bar, two key chains, and a Sponge Bob candy toy thingy for Justin. Jen got two little journal things.... one for her mom and her to write back and forth to each other and one for me and her to write back and forth to each other. Then she got me the nail polish I wanted and got a Sponge Bob candy toy for me to give to Justin too. Kevin got me a little pink photo album. He's so cool. Ok .... who knows how many people read this but.... I think I actually like Kevin. It's kinda weird considering everything with Justin... and ... other things..... "amazing"... anyways... it's weird. I don't know what to do about this because he is my best friend's boyfriend and I get so jealous when I see them like touching or kissing or anything really. I get really jealous and it makes me mad that I get jealous because I shouldn't like other guys being so in love with Justin.
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I do still think I'm in love with Justin... I just... I don't want to spend everyday of my life waiting for him when he tells me everyday that it's useless... I want to try to move on... maybe his brother is not a good choice but still.... NaToni on her Xanga journal says that she wishes she hadn't given up everything else in her life for Pappy:
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"Wow... I cant believe how much I missed out on a lot. I threw away a lot of opportunities for someone that never even truly cared. I thought I loved him and I guess at one point I did, but then he fucked my life over and now everything I do and everyone I talk to and everything I talk about has something to do with him and there’s nothing I can do no matter how much I try I cant get him out of my head and I cant get over him and I hate it." NaToni's Journal
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That's how I feel too and I don't want to be like that... no offence to NaToni... I don't want to miss out on opportunities when Justin doesn't even care. I know I love him but he does hurt me sometimes. Everything I do and say is connected to Justin too and it sux... this is why me and NaToni are friends because we relate to one another. I just... I love Justin.. but I don't want to be a loser who sits at home waiting for something that will never come week after week. Sure I'll go see him and hell I even put off other things to visit with him and call him just to hear his voice and no I would never ever do that for Kevin but .... I just... I hope anyone who reads this gets where I'm coming from. I DO LOVE JUSTIN! How it's possible for me to be in love with him and still like other guys is beyond me but I know I do love him.
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And just because I screw around with other guys while I'm waiting on Justin doesn't mean I love him any less either. It just means I'm a ho (not a slut cause I don't sleep with the guys)or a "sleaze" as one guy happened to point out to me. Plus, Justin likes slutty girls so there's the upside. The downside is I really only do stuff with other guys so I can feel good about myself because of my self-esteem problems... Um.. yeah.. I have really low self esteem so when a guy seems to want me I give it all I got and try to make the guy feel good... a guy paying attention to me even, makes my confidence go up and I like to repay the favor. I like doing stuff with guys because it makes me feel better about myself to feel like someone wants me... just because it's not the someone I want more than anything in the world doesn't mean I can't pretend and still feel good. But then afterwards I feel really slutty and gross... after anything I do with a guy... I don't know what my problem is...
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Wow that was a really personal entry... wonder how many people will actually comment... probably none but that's ok cause I got everything all out of my head and into words.
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Ok... I don't want to make a new entry since it's been like half an hour since the last one so I know that no one's even read this one yet so I'm just gonna put this as a little add on thing....
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It hurts really bad... I was reading some of my old blog entries and I got this overwhelming feeling like I wanted to cut myself. I was reading about myself doing it and how good it feels to just let it all out and I want it. I want to feel it again. I promised Justin, I promised Justin... I won't do it, I can't do it. I need to see him again... really badly... if and when I see him again I will tell him how bad I hurt right now wanting to cut and not doing it. He will ask me why and I won't be able to tell him and I won't lie to him... I will just withhold the information from him. I'll only tell him about reading the old entries and stuff. the only one I can really talk to is Kyle and the authority figures in these parts won't let me use the phone to call him.
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Found this on a old post and it still rings true: What do I miss?.... Well, I miss talking to him. I miss fighting with him. I miss ignoring him. I miss flirting with him. I miss listening to music with him. I miss watching Life As We Know It with him. I miss his dancing. I miss his singing. I miss him asking for things. I miss smoking with him. I miss the smell of him and the overwhelming feeling of desire I get every time he's around. (Wait, that's kinda sick) I miss joking with him. I miss his voice. I miss watching the way he walks. I miss watching him twirl his hair. I miss him teasing me (yep I miss it even though I usually don't like it when it's happening in the first place) I miss being able to take care of him. I miss him asking me to do stuff for him (I shouldn't, I know, but I do miss it) I miss him being concerned for me. I miss being honest with him.... I miss him taking over my computer to play Runescape without even asking. I just miss everything. Even things I didn't like. Even things I tried to get him to stop doing! I miss now that it's gone. Now that he's gone. I miss him so much! I love him!" The "...." part was something time fitting and doesn't apply anymore.