Missing him

Ohmygawd I miss him so bad. He hasn't called me in the two days he's been gone. I told him he could call anytime. I hope he's ok. I mean he's in a foster home and they're suppose to be safe and shit but... I don't know. He hasn't called me and that gets me worried. Maybe they wont let him call me but then... Why wouldn't they? I'm his best friend and he just got cut off from his whole world. I was just getting used to the idea of him living out in Lisbon falls and BOOM he's on the move again. He can never be in one place too long it seems.

What that boy needs is stability. I need him to have stability.

I need to go to school, I need my license and a car, I need to graduate, I need to get therapy, I need to get high, I need to talk to Kyle, I need to not be left alone, I need....

Justin!
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I wanted you to know, that I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away
I keep your photograph, and I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away....

There’s so much left to learn, and no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain
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I just... I really miss him so damn much. And what makes me feel worse is.. does anyone remember when I was ignoring him to see if he'd contact me? Well that was right before he got kicked out. So I ignored him for two day where I could have been talking to him. It's like everything's my fault again because last time, when he got into the fight with OJ and got kicked out of his moms... That was because I didn't go to school that day so he wasn't at my house on the computer like he should have been. He was at home drinking and fighting instead. That night I had yelled at him saying he was "using me" only for my computer and I told him I hated him. Every single time I get mad at him something bad happens and it makes me feel like it's my fault. I just.. wish I could turn back time and do everything all over. A lot of things in my life wouldn't have even happened. Just start back over from September 1st 2004. No bomb threat, Kyle would still be here, I would have gone to school the day Justin and Alicia broke up so that I could have been there for him instead of grounded to my room, I would have gone to school the day of the fight so I could have been there for him, the weekend after he left would be all rearranged so a certain thing didn't happen like it did, this past Thursday morning with Justin would be erased, or maybe not erased... But different, I would have shown him instead of letting him yell at me and giving up. But there are a lot of things I would want to keep the same. Watching him dance to Copacabbanna, learning the hallelujah song, being there for him when he was all depressed cause he though no one loved him (I've loved him for two years but then I don't count so..), Night before Christmas Eve Party and the New Year's Eve party. I don't know... I guess the experiences the way they've happened made us as close as we are but I still don't like it that his life is so royally fucked up!

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Always

My life is falling apart
Everything I know and Everything I love is distrupted
I am faling in shambles onto the floor
Someone please pick me up

I need some help
before I do something more to hurt myself
before I die by my own hands
bloody, broken, and bruised

I love him more than life itself
and I never want to give up the fight
for his love, his life, his pride and his future
He is my all, he is my everything

I can't live without him
he is my best friend
and I love him so much
I always will

forever and always
I will love him
no matter how many wrongs
I will love him
ALWAYS!

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Desertion

I feel horrible
I feel deserted

I don't like this feeling
It's hard for me

I'm scared of what will happen
When you leave me for good

I'll miss you forever
I hurt even longer

Anyways... Justin if you somehow can read this, I love you and I miss you